Wifflesnook

I like it too, Kay, and thanks for posting it

Thank you Fae. I think what you (or Doug) wrote was probably the most imprtant thing of all. We have loved, and been loved and nothing can take that away.it keeps me going against all the setbacks. And I think you believe, like me, that somehow we are still loved by them and we still love them and always will.

Thank you Mary. Maybe I saw this before but if I did I can't recall it. I saw it on Facebook today when you posted it and wanted to post it here but wasn't sure how to. I can relate to it totally. I count myself as one of those who doesn't want to get over grief, who doesn't want to rebuild my city but would rather sit in the rubble. But yet despite myself I'm forced back into life to be a part of my beloved grand daughters' lives. But deep down I'm still with Pete, talking to him, living a life which is only meaningful to me when I can bring him along, even though others don't even know that is how I'm feeling inside. This piece really gets what it's like for those of us who have lost what seems to be the heart of ourselves and yet have to live on. Thanks

Totally agree Marty. Positive for me is our daughter and her two littlies came for Easter and at five and almost three they are a joy to me (and full on hard work). The holiday went well and they have just left leaving a huge gap, but for sure I couldn't cope with them all the time and shall be glad of a rest and chance to do what I want rather than what they do.

Why did he have to treat you like a collection of bits? Why couldn't he start with the really good news, like brain scan normal? It all sounds good if only you can interpret it. Oh Anne ......

Dear Anne I woke up thinking of you. I hope that yesterday wasn't too hard for you. I'm going to be busy over the next few days as our daughter and her two littlies come today. I've made icecream, bought Easter eggs for the hunt on Sunday, got all meals planned. I know I'm lucky to have them but oh how my Pete would love them. I still manage to feel he is here with us. If I lost that feeling I would lose myself. I wish you all a peaceful Easter. Jan

I know it's hard for you Anne and I'm thinking of you. Somehow Jim is alongside you. I just know he is. Jan

Oh Kay. you and me both. I wasn't there when Pete died. He was in a nursing home and I was supporting our daughter as she gave birth. He died and afterwards I couldn't bring myself to ask the circumstances. Whether he was alone, how it happened, (I know it was an onset of pneumonia bfought on by his respiratory problems), if he knew he was dying, if he wanted me there, so many hard questions and I deliberatly didn't ask them because I knew that any one of them could have been answered by what would cause me pain for the rest of my life. I know that he died and that he wouldn't want me to feel any greater pain than I already do. So I never asked. Maybe I would have been told things which would have helped me? Maybe not. But it's something I hardly ever visit willingly. It's just so hard. We shared our lives for 50 years and we should have been together. And the only thing that I would have left him for (and of course I didn't know he would die then) was because our daughter (a single mother) needed me. But if I'd known he would die I would never have left him. I've always put Pete above everyone. Even our children. But I didn't know. I know QMary had the same pain of not being there, and you, Kay, and me. And it's so hard. But I also know that our beloved spouses would understand totally and not want us to suffer because of this. If I wrote it down addressed to Pete I know he would say "please my Lovie, don't worry. I understood why you weren't there". But it's still almost too hard to bear, even now, three years later. Jan

That is so lovely. I too came across it on facebook but I'm glad you posted it here so more people can see it Anne.

Yes, we are so used to looking for change. I'm trying to experience the moment and realise that I'm lucky if my pain does t worsen. Oh dear sounds negative but you know what I mean

Anne, thank you for the update, though for those of us who have learnt to love you, it doesn't make happy reading. You are in a no man's land and it must be awful, and, as we know, without your beloved Jim going with you to appointments, being there to off load one, hugging you. Oh Anne I so hope you will get news that will help your indomitable spirit to help to heal yourself. And having an appointment on Jim's birthday too? All I can say is I hope you can feel him near you. What a lucky man Jim was (and is) to have you for his wife! Everything I've heard tells me that he knew it. And we are fortunate to have you amongst us, and we will be near you on Friday (somehow).

Dearest Anne this is lovely. But how are YOU?

I will watch harder

QMary I know that feeling of questioning myself about whether I'm trying to fill my time with activity so as not to think about my grief. It's a possible problem with me though I do set time aside for meditation. But I always seem to be doing things and I think it sometimes isn't so good for me to try to ignore the deep deep sadness which any way catches me out when I'm least expecting it. Yesterday I had to wash some of Pete's underpants which I'd left in his cupboards and thought I would use as dusters. Having used them I put them in the washing machine and then drier. And oh the sudden sadness when I got them out and it was a sharp sharp memory of the times when Pete's clothes were always there mixed up with mine. Such a small thing but I know you all know how that felt. But anyway whilst we can do I think we should keep busy. And your life sounds full of good activity.

Oh QMary this is so what I want to beleive. I hadn't thought of it quite like that but now I shall do. Thank you

Yes, validated is just the right word. As we pass through our lives surrounded by people who don't have a clue what it's like to lose the person who was the centre of our world it's good to be able to come here and know that we will be understood. And Kay is our matriarch (not to say you are old, Kay, just wise)

Dear Maryann like Fae I have been around here three years and like her I haven't replied to you yet. I tend to post on Living with Loss. I know what it's like to lose a sense of time passing. In fact despite the fact I did so much in the first year after my Pete died (I had to help with her little baby born the day before) i can't really remember that year nor do I wish to. All you can do is plod on, doing your very best. You will find kindred spirits here. Jan

It's a lovely morning here in England and I dreamed of Pete last night, one of those weird dreams where we have a row about something small but when I woke it was unresolved. Still good to dream about him nevertheless. I opened my eyes and thought about my plans for the day. I thought that I had things to do. That I wasn't ready to die yet (neither was Pete as he was so active and full of enthusiasm for life when the stroke struck him down). But I thought Jan you have things you want to complete and indeed some you want to start. You need to use the time you have left. You are needed by your daughter and her littlies. So onward and upward. Sounds so positive doesn't it? But it sits upon a ground of deep deep sadness and longing for my beloved Pete. Life is so different now he isn't near me. No Kay I don't like acceptance either, but,like you I suppose I have accepted my life now has to be lived alongside the loss.

That sums it up, Anne

Dear QMary That is inspirational. I think all of us here on the Living with Loss section have somewhat similar stories. We want our loved ones with us, we are amazed that we have survived. We can appreciate things that we still have left despite the massive hole at our centre. Yes our hearts have been broken but somehow we have put some of the pieces together and constructed another one to keep us going. We can appreciate comfort, hobbies, intellectual activities, books and food (to our surprise!). My grief is still too deep for tears. I still feel I am only walking on top of a thin sheet of something and if I let myself I would drown. But I'm carrying on in such a fashion that people think I'm quite OK. Like you I am busy and it helps so much. We live with loss and I think we do it with grace and determination. You are one of the seniors and I've listened to you intently. Thanks for posting here in the senior section!

Who knows, Kay!

Fae I have appointed you my guru! I just love the way you write. I can relate to it so well. Had a strange experience whilst at Rainie our daughter's house. She has a clock on the wall that regulates itself from ???? Oh you know, it's always correct. Anyway whilst we were sitting near it the fingers suddenly began going round and round really fast. She thought maybe the battery had gone, but after a minute or two they went back to the correct time. I thought of the time not long after Pete died when his watch that I was wearing suddenly started ticking audibly (normally you can't hear it) just for a minute or two and then went silent. I just wondered .....?

Fae I love the fact you can talk QM! I wish I understood such things as I sense that that kind of research connects to spirituality in a way few of us if any understand. I know that what we see of the physical world is only a tiny part of 'reality' and it helps me to think about that as I search for where my Pete is now. I can't connect to conventional Christianity at all (haven't been able to do so for many years) and the Eastern religions seem to have a story I can relate to but they don't seem to help me to connect th the actual being and personality continuing of my beloved Pete. And I know that if I don't have some feeling of that I might as well walk into the sea and keep walking. I know I shall not find the answer until I too die but I'm going to keep on searching nevertheless. It's morning in the Uk and a beautiful spring one. Just waiting with worry to hear if littlest GD was sick again as she was last night. Our daughter hoped it was too many strawberries as she is due to go back to nursery today after ten days off with chicken pox, which has meant that her mother has to have the time off from work too and she is concerned about being behind hand.

I'm back home after five nights with daughter and her two beautiful girls, celebrating the fifth birthday of my eldest beloved grand daughter. It's been very busy and good but I'm so happy to be home where I feel closest to Pete. Oh yes Fae, I guess that the feelings of aloneness and vulnerability will never leave us. My PEte's name means The Rock as you will all know and he supported me totally for fifty years. Now I'm amazed that I can function at all without that Rock. But somehow I do, and see you all doing the same. This community of souls really helps me. Thank you. Every day I think if you all. Be strong.

Dearest Anne My soul sister in grief. I am very pleased you are sharing this with us even thought many of us (especially me in far off England) are too distant to help. I've always known that western Medicine is, as Marty says, fragmented. It treats every part of the body separately whereas Chinese medicine treats the whole person. When Pete suffered from IBS he investigated what Chinese Medicine could do. I'm sure treatment in the US is marvellous once they find out what is wrong but all these tests? In the UK it's the same but with the limited resources they don't go so far unless you are a private patient. You need an intermediary or an advocate to guide you. I know your daughter is far away and I also know you don't want to worry her. A problem. It goes without saying how full of admiration I am but I also know (because it's so for me) that you are in pain with the feelings of grief, loneliness and loss on top of or beneath these challenges. You can write as much here as you want. You can show your pain without needing to feel you should pretend. I know you do have friends close at hand. Are they really close ones? Does someone go along with you for all these appointments? I hope so. I'm thinking of you as you know. We are similar ages, had similarly close marriages to wonderful men. I've had a few health scares but they have on,y been scares. I'm hoping that the solution to your present problems are close at hand and effective. Keep writing A LOT! Here is a big hug from me.