AnnC

I think your story is so sad, and that in your place I would also wonder "what if?" And I would feel like the nurses and doctors were vultures. But also, my ex-husband/dear friend died waiting for a liver transplant. The gift of organ donation is a gift of life. While I do believe sometimes miracles happen like in the story you quoted, sometimes the miracle is the lives that are saved because your brother agreed to be an organ donor -- though it must be so hard on you. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

My dad passed a year and a half ago, and I still find it hard to say "my mother's house" instead of "my parents' house" when I go to visit her. I don't hesitate to say that my dad passed away when the subject of parents comes up, but then I am at the age when most people are dealing with elderly parents and their passing -- my dad was 78, and my mom is now 80. It's hard too because seeing my mother alone is painful, and she's scared of living alone -- she lived with her parents, and then was married to my dad for 56 years. My brother, who is divorced, lives with her now and helps her with stuff, but he won't live there forever. Yes, no matter at what age, the adjustment is hard, and I still cry when I see the photo I have of them together. Ann

I am not at all sure my grandfather didn't just remarry so quickly in order to fill the empty spaces. On the other hand, people around me seem to think that I have to "move on", and evidently dating is not "moving on" in their opinion. People urge me to remarry. It bothers me, because it's my life, and I am not closed to the possibility that I would find someone to marry, but I haven't up to now, though I have dated some really nice men over the years. I have been divorced for 25 years, and remained friends with my ex (who was gay), and we were especially close during his illness. He died four years ago, and I did feel widowed. But I dated a lot after divorce, had a 10 year relationship at one point; and have dated since his passing. But people keep acting like I'm not "moving on" unless I actually get married!

It's very hard to say what is the "right" time for someone to get into another relationship after being widowed. My grandfather was married to my grandmother for 48 years and cared for her for 10 years during her battle with cancer. When she died, it was June 1975. Three months later, he married a widow whom they had known for 40 years. My mother thought it was way too soon and a big mistake. My father (whose father it was who remarried) totally disagreed and said my grandfather knew what he was doing. In any case, my grandfather was married to his second wife until his own death 12 years later. Were they happy? I didn't see all that much of them, and I was young and getting married and wrapped up in my own life, so I can't really say. I think they gave each other some comfort. In my grief group, there was a woman who had lost her husband to suicide. After about a year, she got engaged to their next door neighbor, who had been a huge comfort to her after her loss. She was a bit defensive about how soon it was, but our grief counselor said it's different for everyone, and no one can judge for someone else when is the "right" time -- if ever. Ann

I get a lot of messages from my family members who have crossed over. I do believe mediumship is possible, but not all of them are true, some are fakes. It's hard when it's on TV. But I saw John Edward in person, and he seemed quite real. He also gave me a reading, and absolutely everything he said was exactly on target, to my ex and how he died, and my uncle's death and his name. Plus some other things about a suicide. But I believe we can learn to recognize our loved ones' presence without a medium. My ex sends songs that answer my questions, and electrical things happen without any explanation, and I have had many, many dreams where he comes and tells me things that later turn out to be true. Read the book Hello From Heaven. It can teach you what to look for, and you find out from that book just how amazingly widespread the experience of getting signs from those who have passed on really is. Ann

About this, it's important to find someone who is the real deal, since there are way too many fakes. I think word of mouth is the best way. That being said, I totally believe, no I KNOW, that our loved ones remain with us, just not in the physical body. I have had so many, many contacts with my husband, through mediums, but mostly directly. He's very good at getting through, and I will talk to him in the car and right then a song will come on the radio that answers me. For example, I am going to the beach tonight for Thanksgiving, and I wondered out loud yesterday in the car whether he will be there with me, and that very moment, a song came on with the lyrics, "I will go wherever you will go"! And the song goes on to say, "I know now, just quite how, my life and love might still go on; In your heart, in your mind, I'll stay with you for all of time." I also have very real dreams where he comes and talks to me, and even tells me things about other people that later I find out are true. He told me my dad was terminally ill a whole year before my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and told me how long my dad would live, and he was correct to within a week! No way is that coincidence! I also smelled both my grandmothers around my parents' house while my dad was going through chemo -- I believe they were there to support my parents. And in the year since my dad died, I sense him around often, especially around my mother. To me there is no question that it still is painful to lose the physical presence of those you love, to be able to touch and hug them and see their faces and hear their voices in a normal conversation. But, I do know they remain in spirit form -- crossed over, but still able to see us every day and see and hear what is going on in our lives. The relationship changes, but does not end. Ann

My cat was behaving strangely over the weekend. He would crouch alone in the hallway for hours on end. I scratched his head, but he would move away. He seemed miserable. I decided if he wasn't better on Monday, we'd go to the vet. Monday I took the afternoon off. When I came home, he was crouched by the litter box. He then climbed into it, but didn't do anything, and cried. Then he went to the kitchen, walking very stiffly and slowly, and stood by the water dish and cried. So I bundled him into his carrier and took him to the vet. To make a long story short, he had severe kidney damage. At first the vet talked about aggressive treatment, fluid IV, other treatments, even though one kidney was swollen and painful to the touch. But then she got the results of another test, and the levels of toxins that build up when the kidneys fail were very high, and she said he wasn't treatable -- a conclusion I had already come to, but it did help, because I was beginning to feel terrible that I wasn't able to spend thousands of dollars to save him. If he was unsavable, at least that made it clearer. Still, he was only 8. I cried all night last night. What made it harder is that just last Thanksgiving was when my father, who was at the end of his chemo and radiation treatments for cancer and might have gone into remission, instead began to go sharply downhill. He died Dec. 7th last year, and the anniversary looming already has me depressed, so having to have my cat put to sleep makes it that much worse. I hate the holidays now. I can't imagine ever liking them again. I'm glad my mom is having Thanksgiving at my sister's out of state, so that her day is totally different from last year, and I was looking forward to a nice long weekend all to myself, with maybe a dinner out with my brother. But now I think I'll just be sitting and crying the whole time, missing my kitty. I know I did the right thing in ending his suffering -- death from kidney failure is a horrible death, and the vet said at his stage, if he were human, the only answer would be a kidney transplant. But I miss him, he was so sweet. Ann

That actually does not surprise me, that the siblings who were saying you should get over it are now showing that they have not dealt with it. The fact that they were telling you you "should be over it" is actually a symptom of their own pushing away of emotion -- they were not facing their own emotions yet, so they were uncomfortable with your emotion. Probably afraid they, too, would break down. Lots of people are in shock at first, and that can last for months, up to a year or even more. Then everyone thinks they are "strong". The sad part is by the time they do start to feel the grief, everyone around them thinks they are fine, and there is little or no support. I found out that even each death is different. When my ex-husband died, I immediately fell apart, and cried every day for three years. When my dad died, I did not feel much at all, which made me feel guilty. But now, almost a year later, I have been crying about my dad more than I ever did in the past year. It's just different, because my relationship with each of them was different. Also, because I felt I had unfinished business with my ex, but not with my dad. And the fact that my ex died at only 50, while my father lived to almost 80 probably had an effect also. You just never know how you will respond. Ann

I don't know, what do you mean by coming to terms? Everyone has a different time table. I know my brother took my father's death very hard, while it wasn't quite so bad for me, because my husband's death was much harder. I don't think I would say anything to my brother, though, unless I just ask him if he wants to talk about it, but he usually doesn't. My sister and I talk about Dad sometimes, and how we are doing with feelings about his death. It's been almost one year. But the loss of a parent affects you for the rest of your life. I don't know what "coming to terms" with it would look like. And I think we all pretend, at least in public, that we are more pulled-together than we really are. I think our society expects us to have this thing called "closure" and "acceptance", and that's unreasonable. Your life is completely changed after anyone close to you dies. It takes time to build a new life. And it takes different people different amounts of time. It could be that if your siblings are pretending they are "over it", it's because their family members or work colleagues are telling them to get over it. Mostly, in dealing with my siblings and my mother concerning my father's death, I just ask how they're doing, and talk a little bit about how I am feeling. If they feel like sharing their feelings, they do, and if not, I don't push it. Ann

My mom was telling me a month or so ago that she started packing up my dad's clothes, but could only get through part of them, and had to rest all afternoon. But you know, it had been only 9 months since my dad passed away! Nine months is not really very long, especially since they were married for 56 years! People need to be gentle with themselves when going through all this pain and loss. Don't beat yourself up because you think you "should" be packing clothes away after a few months or you "shouldn't" be feeling so bad. I was told by my grief counselor to do nothing major for at least a year. After 3 1/2 years, I have let go of some things, but I still keep others. Some things I will always keep as mementos. And I still cry and feel miserable -- but not as often as in the first two years. About packing things away, I'll say what I say to my mother: Take it easy. You'll know when you are ready. And it doesn't matter how long it takes. There are no Grief Police to see if you are measuring up! (though some friends and family can SEEM like the Grief Police! ) I don't believe we are "sent" these difficult experiences as some kind of test or lesson. Grief and loss are part of the human condition. I think we do learn compassion for others when we feel all this pain. Ann

I took a class on the psychology of grieving. The professor of the psychology of grief class said that he doesn't like the word "acceptance". That suggests that the death is okay with you. Of course that doesn't happen! He likes the term "adjustment" -- that you come to realize the death is real, that you can't change it, and you adjust to that fact and go on with your life. I learned that it really does depend on your connection to the deceased person as to how you are affected, and that doesn't just mean how much they're in your daily life. When my ex-husband died, we had been divorced for 20 years, and I hadn't seen him in 15 years. We had been in touch by phone since he became ill, but lived on opposite coasts. But we became very close again by phone while he was ill, especially since our divorce was no-fault (he was gay). When he died, it was as devastating as being widowed for me. It's been 3 1/2 years, and I feel the grief as a constant background to my life. At first, it consumed me, and I couldn't think about work, family, friends, anything. Now, I do have my life back, and can have fun and be happy, but that pain is always lurking. My dad died ten months ago, and although I often have sad times thinking about it, it didn't hit me like my ex's death. It was very, very different. I do believe both my father and my ex-husband are on the other side and they send me messages that they're around me, and I will rejoin them when my time comes. Ann

My mother has been widowed for 8 months now, but my parents were married for 56 years. She says sometimes she wakes up when the phone rings and asks my dad to answer it. Here's the thing: my ex-husband and I were close friends at the end of his life (we divorced because he was gay, but remained friends). He died more than three years ago. But I have awakened more than once during these past three years feeling he was sitting or lying on the bed with me. Once I woke up and heard him breathing! And we have been divorced for more than 20 years. I do think they visit us, to help us through. I still have very warm comforting dreams where I spend time with him. Ann

I would never rush into getting a new puppy just because someone else said to. But if you are ready to, it can be a blessing. I lost a kitten that I let out carelessly and she was killed by a car in the parking lot. I felt so guilty, and so awful, but it came to me to make up for my carelessness by rescuing another kitten who needed me. I went to the shelter and they had so many kittens and puppies that they were lowering the fee, frantically trying to find them homes, and the place was very hard for them to keep clean. I found a pure black kitten with tons of fleas, feline flu, AND ringworm. I could tell he had been abused, too, because he flinched whenever you tried to pat his head. I took him home and had to quarantine him from my older cats because of the flu and ringworm for the first month. I nursed him back to health, and now at the age of three his fur is like black velvet, his eyes are bright and happy, and he is totally imprinted on me, and follows me everywhere, purring. He has the funniest tail, tightly curled over his back like a little pig or some dogs. I've never seen a cat with a tail like that, but it's pretty cute! I sometimes see my other kitten who was killed out of the corner of my eye. I am sure her spirit is still here. Whenever I feel guilty for being so negligent that she got out, I also look at my black kitty and I can't regret rescuing him and giving him a loving home. You have lots of love to give -- when you and your husband are ready, a different puppy with its own unique love to give will be blessed by getting to live with you. Ann

The pain becomes easier to deal with over time. It doesn't really go away, but you get used to it a little more. It's very up and down. Well, at first I found I was DOWN nearly all the time. Then after maybe a year or so I started sometimes feeling a little better, then DOWN again, and it was almost worse because of the contrast. It's hard when others tell you what they think you should do. I was not married to my ex husband for 20 years before he died, but it still felt like I was widowed. People would say to me, "Oh, he was only your ex, so why do you care?" That hurt a lot. We were together 12 years, married for 6 1/2, but he realized he was gay and we got divorced, but we remained friends, though sometimes very distant. When he got sick we became very close again, and best friends for the last two years of his life. It was so hard when he died, so that I lost my best friend, and the man I once loved as my husband. I found a great deal of comfort because his boyfriend and his best friends became my friends and we all comforted each other. It's helpful to have someone to talk to who knows how you feel. But now it is 2 years and 9 months and I still have my crying spells. I also lost my father four months ago, which brings back the pain over my ex-husband. My mom has rearranged a few things in her house, but has not gotten rid of any of my father's things. I told her not to rush into that. They were married for 56 years. It's a huge adjustment. I think it's much better to take your time. Other people think having things around will remind you of your loss, but those of us who are grieving know that the loss is ALWAYS on your mind anyway! Eventually, in your own time, you will feel ready to give away or pack away some of her things, but there will always be some very special things you will keep forever. But when it is still so new, still in the first year, give yourself a break. It is an achievement just to get up in the morning and get dressed. Sometimes it's just an achievement to keep breathing. The pain is awful. If it was that much anguish for me, when I didn't even live with my ex anymore and hadn't for two decades, I can't imagine how painful to lose your soulmate you were living with, seeing every day. It's like having your heart torn out of your body. My grief counselor says, if you had a heart attack, you would need a long time to fully recover, and still your heart would be different, not like it was before. She says your heart has been broken, and though one day you will find joy in life again, you will be different, because this loss is part of you now. You will not become the person you were before -- you will find a new normal for yourself. But that takes a lot of time. I have been keeping a journal ever since he died. I have six notebooks now. It does help, and is recommended by counselors to do this. I also talk out loud to him when I am alone. Maybe I will be locked up some day! But it helps me. I believe our loved ones are in a good place and watching over us. But that doesn't keep us from missing them so terribly much. Hugs to you! Ann

My grief counselor tells me the grief work is just feeling the feelings. She says many people refuse to feel it, they stay so busy or numb the feelings with drinking or eating or too many painkillers. They ignore or suppress the feelings. This can happen at first, but if it continues for months and years, you never move through the grief because you are not feeling it. But if you are feeling the grief, and talking about it or writing about it, or chopping wood or doing physical things to work out the emotions, then you are doing the grief work. You have to feel the emotions in order to get through the grief. It's ignoring it that gets you stuck, if I am understanding what she told me correctly. I think everyone who comes and reads and/or posts on this board is doing grief work. We're working through our feelings. That's all. Ann

I heard from the widows' group I attend that it's a roller coaster -- up and down. YOu are up for awhile and think you're getting better -- then you have a down period. They say over time, the up times get longer, and the down times get shorter and less often -- but never totally go away. I've been in a down time lately. Not surprising, I guess, since it's just three months since my dad passed away. But his passing brought back all my grief over my ex-husband (not that the grief was very far away!) That's now going on 2 years and 9 months, so 33 months. But I cry just as hard. I guess I can concentrate on other things better now, and take some joy in life. But I still have this hole inside me that will never really be filled. He always said he wanted to die before me because he wouldn't be able to survive the grief if I died first. He always got his way... Ann

Wow, Marty -- that was powerful! I have been feeling VERY sorry for myself. My dad's death in December has brought back my grief about my ex-husband. I had found my pain settling down somewhat after two years, but then my dad's death seemed to bring it all back (which a counselor told me was normal.) Now I spend a lot of time crying over our divorce, our arguments, every single thing that went wrong in the 33 years I knew my ex. I joined a widows group, but they are not dealing with the same types of issues, though they are warm and welcoming and accepting. I read books and websites about straight wives/ex-wives of gay men, but they are not dealing with death. I know a lot of things intellectually (you can't change someone's sexual orientation, we needed to get divorced or the marriage would have just gotten worse, I needed some time to move on so it made sense at the time to stop talking to him, I have no control over the liver disease that killed him, we were fortunate to reestablish a close friendship before he died.) But my emotions are still on the roller coaster -- why, why, why? I loved him so much, WHY did this have to happen, that I lost him twice? Your post reminded me that we were not singled out for this. It happens to people. There are no guarantees in life or marriage. And divorce and his being gay didn't mean I should have stopped loving him, or he me. My heart cries daily for the unfairness of it all. But as you posted -- fairness is actually not part of life. I grew up in a church that said if you lived a Godly life, you would be happy. Which ended up convincing me that since I had all these losses, I must have been to blame. I brought it on myself by not living a good enough life. I know that is not true. But it's embedded in my right brain, I guess, where the left brain logic doesn't penetrate. How do the emotions catch up with the logical brain? I can repeat over and over that none of it was my fault, none of it was his either. It never gets through. I feel so much pain, and I fantasize all the time how I could have changed it if I just could go back in time. What do you do when your brain understands but your emotions are on their own separate treadmill of pain? I talk, I journal, I cry, and nothing stops the constant rehashing of pain. I can go to work, go out with friends, and have a good time, but the pain is just there waiting for me. Am I just stuck and wallowing? How do I stop? It's been 2 years and 8 months! Ann

When my ex-husband died, we had been divorced for 20 years. Over time, and many moves, I had sold a lot of what we had owned together. I went to his funeral, and then visited his friends again later. There was a portrait of his grandmother that didn't sell in the estate sale. They begged me to take it off their hands, since they had no reason to keep it, but felt bad getting rid of it (he had no family left when he died.) I was glad to take it and have something of him. But when I got it home, I felt weird. I left it in the box for months. Finally, I hung it up on the wall. Sometimes I would come home and it felt like he lived there too, because of the painting. But most of the time, it felt wrong, because the fact that I had it meant he was gone. I would not have it if he were still alive. Now it's almost three years, and I am glad I have it. But it took me a long time to get used to having it. Ann

I know about those multiple losses, and friend loss, too. I lost my best friend in June 2004, he was a gay man who used to be my husband, but we'd been divorced for 20 years. I loved him so much, I miss all those long phone calls and talks about our lives and romances, all the humor and support and love. People said, "Oh, he was just your ex, why are you so upset?" Well, the heck with them! They don't know how I feel, that I am all alone. Even when we divorced, it was not this bad. Then when we became friends, it was so nice, and then he died -- I thought I would die, too. I didn't because I know he would never want that, but it was so hard, and so hard not to have people recognize my grief as significant. A year and a half later, a coworker/friend died of cancer. I spent some time with him before he died, and that was hard, too. Not as painful as my ex-husband's death, but still ... Two months later, last February, my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He died Dec. 7th, and during the previous two weeks my mother's only cousin AND her stepmother died. I wasn't close to them, but it was still a lot of death, and it was hard to lose my dad. And it brought up the pain from the other losses too. I find myself grieving my ex-husband all over again. All this death -- I am only 54, but feel like I'm 84, with nothing but loss to look forward to... I have diabetes, and am a cancer survivor, but wonder just what will be the one that causes my death. And I'm scared of losing my mother or any of my siblings. I guess I've learned that no one is safe... Ann

My dad died Dec. 7, 2006. So far my mom has left everything where it is. I agree with her that there's no rush. Slowly, she has changed a few things -- moved paintings to different places on the walls that she likes. His clothes are all still in the closets and drawers. But it's not quite three months yet. Why rush? Besides, she is a person who likes things very tidy, so eventually I know she will feel like packing things up. She's just not ready yet. It's not like a shrine, she's living in the house and using her own things like she did before. She says after 56 years of marriage, the loss is huge, and she doesn't want to change anything familiar at first -- she has enough of an adjustment without tearing the house apart and getting rid of his things. I think she's wise. My ex-husband left everything to his best friends who took care of him when he was ill. He was not into wills and things, so didn't leave anything to anyone else. His friend, who was also his executor, asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said I would like my wedding ring if she could find it. The ring was his mother's, so when we divorced I gave it back to him (he treasured anything of his mother's, because she died when we were in college.) His executor did find both my wedding ring and engagement ring and gave them to me. She also gave me a cap of his, some of his books (she gave me a choice) and his college ring. It was really nice of her to think of me. I have a few things left from when we were married but not many, since I've moved several times and had to get rid of some things. I think it's good to take your time and wait until you feel ready. A lot of people rush into getting rid of things and selling the house, etc. Sometimes you financially have no choice, but getting rid of all these "reminders" will not make the pain go away. They can be comforting instead. The clothes still smell like the person. Eventually, you will feel ready to give away or sell some things, but there will probably be a few special things that you will always keep. As a remembrance, I wear my wedding and engagement rings on different fingers on my right hand. Most people don't even notice that they are a wedding set because they are very simple and not on my wedding finger, but I know what they mean to me. Ann

Also, when you are grieving, it often happens that you are so worn out by grief that you don't have the energy to be around people very much. You don't feel like socializing. This is temporary, but it might be at least part of what you're feeling. My grief counselor said to go ahead and let yourself be alone for as long as you need to (and as much as possible, since most of us have to go to work!) But I have found that I am not feeling much like socializing or meeting new friends, just occasionally hanging out with old friends, and less often even with them. I think I just don't have the energy to make new friends right now. Later, I probably will. Ann

My ex-husband also betrayed me by lying and having an affair. It was short-lived, then he came clean with me finally -- he was gay, and trying to cope with that. We did divorce, but I always loved him, and later we were able to be friends. After he died, I did learn more details about what happened back then (due to his old boyfriend's insistence on telling me because he wanted to assure me he was more important to my ex than I was!) And it hurt. But I knew the boyfriend was wrong, and my ex told me a lot of the truth before he died. Love forgives a lot, especially when the hurt wasn't deliberate, but came out of circumstances. Nobody is perfect. Although some people are malicious, most people just trying to stumble through their lives, making the best decisions they can, even if it turns out later not to have been such a good decision. I really miss him, though. Ann

I can only say Canada sounds like a much nicer place, and only 150 miles away from where I live..... A pool for widows? Sometimes if someone is on the news with hardship stories, people might send money, but aside from that... Ann

It's been two years and eight months. After the two year mark, I was doing pretty well. Still sad at times, occasional crying, but not the desperate turmoil and devastation of the first two years. I figured I was on my way up. Then, in Dec. 2006, my dad died. It brought back all the grief, so that I was not only grieving for Dad, but for my husband again. My counselor tells me this is often the case. So I am back to it. It's not quite as bad as the first year, when I used to cry until I threw up, and couldn't sleep, and nearly had car accidents because I couldn't concentrate. But I now am sleeping much more than normal, am often depressed, cry a lot, and don't want to see people. And it's hard to concentrate at work. It's still a roller coaster. I do know now that it will be temporary, because it was before. But I never expected to feel this bad well into the third year! However, my dad's death certainly brought it all back. Ann

Unfortunately, feeling sad is part of it. Everyone seems to think it's important to "be strong", but you have lost your husband, and that is a HUGE loss, and of course you cannot ignore that. The feelings of grief must be felt, or you will never heal. And healing doesn't mean you will go back to what it was like before -- everything has changed, and you will heal to a new life, a new normal. But of course you will never forget your husband. I know people like to say, "You will find someone else". They said that to me. They usually say it because they don't know what else to say. And I said, "Who wants to?" Now, two and one half years later, I could maybe possibly imagine loving another person, but not INSTEAD of my husband. It would be a different person, and different love, and would have to be someone who would understand how much of my heart will always be my husband's, forever. We all want to escape the feelings, because they hurt so much, but the feelings are natural and normal in grief. You're not crazy, though grief can make you feel as if you are. Timetables are individual. But anytime under a year you will definitely be feeling it. You never actually get over it. You learn to live with the loss. Keep posting and reading here. You will see that you are not alone in how you feel. The loss of a spouse is devastating, no matter what age you are. When you are young, you mourn the years you expected to be with him/her. But when you are much older, like my mother at 79 who lost my dad after 56 years of marriage, she can't even imagine life without him, because she barely HAD any life without him. Either way, it's a huge adjustment, a huge loss. It is natural and normal to feel it. Ann