feralfae

Kay, How is Polly? How are you doing, dear one? {{{HUGS}}} fae

Another great day! I went for my annual eye check-up today, and . . . Taa Daa! my eyes have improved since last year. My vision is better. The dryness has decreased. I am released to buy vanity readers at the drugstore. And today, I set some new personal records with my aerobic routine. I am going to make it. I am making it. I am getting better, and feeling some happiness again, which the sweating really helps, by the way. I still cry often, whenever I feel the loss of Doug deeply in my heart. But now I know and can honor that passing time of tears, and return to here and now once the tears stop. I no longer feel trapped in grief, and slowly, I am learning to stand a bit more outside of the pain and observe it, while honoring the grief and having compassion for my journey. I enjoy having some victories to report. Personal victories, mostly about my body which is what most people see, but also, more emphatically, about my mind, spirit and heart. nattering here... Sweet dreams, fae

Carrie, You know we are all holding you in our hearts, dear one. I remember so well those days and nights when our time sense was disrupted, and yes, sleep typing was common as it was the only time to update the CaringBridge site, which so many people around the world read. Thank goodness for CB, because it kept my correspondence at a fairly manageable level. I Love 'G*d answers knee mail'! I come from a tradition of standing in prayer, but I understand the meaning of knee mail. There is a pervasive awe that shifts our spirits when we pray. I think a lot of spirit level meditation carries that sense of awe as well, and I know during silence at Meeting for Worship, that awe is present. There are other emotional harmonics as well, aren't there? Gratitude, love, belonging, trust, self-compassion, and so much more. All the facets of love. Even if you sleep type, we will be happy to hear from you. But if you are not careful, you will go on the "watch list" and then Anne might come after you until you get a bit more rest. This tribe has a very tough set of rest and relaxation vigilantes. Angels. I hope Jerry is feeling better, and that you two are out flying planes again soon. Please know that we all understand that you must, like many of us, come and go. This is your place, and its paths are always open to you, whenever you can be here among us or we read your words. We will try to fill in the gaps of caring when you need to be away. You are a wonderfully loving and compassionate spirit, and I am so thankful that you have joined us around Marty's healing fire. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Anne, I am keeping you, your BIL, and your family in prayer. Holding you in my heart, fae

Dear Kay, I am glad you are home and safe. Have a good sleep and awake refreshed. fae

Dear KAY, I have been thinking about you today, and just wanted to send lots of {{{hugs}}} and clouds filled with *<fairy dust>* to you, dear heart. I am keeping you and Polly and your family in prayer. I am really glad you got to visit her, and I hope whatever was going on is now over and that Polly is returning to better health. (Dear G*d—enough already! Give this family some peace and a rest from challenges. Thank you.) It is a beautiful day here, sunny and windy, fairly cool. Some rain-filled clouds are beginning to drift over the Divide this evening, though. Much Love, fae

Oh, Carrie, good for you! We didn't and I still don't own one. But Gilda Radner was a warm-hearted and exquisite human being. Her autobiography is "It's Always Something" and she left us in 1989, due to ovarian cancer. Her glib delivery and sarcasm as art delighted her fans. That's all the biography I know. fae

Dear Mary, Thank you so much for sharing those links. I have subscribed to the feed from her site. What a journey! It is helpful to have more tools to use, and to read about other ways to look at the experience of healing from trauma. later: I've now read several of her posts, and it is most definitely familiar territory she is describing. Thank you so very much for your willingness to share resources with us here, and especially thank you from me for posting these helpful, healing, hopeful messages. Thank you. namaste, fae

Yes, isn't that just everyone here? Shining, keeping our spirit light burning, even if it might be only a tiny flame right now. This is certainly a place of amazing healing. I am continually amazed how we follow that old adage, "Joy shared is joy multiplied, and sorrow shared is sorrow halved." Thank you Anne. I think we have a mutual support system going, because I look to you as an inspiration. Time to go drink another large glass of water. Well, during this next hour, anyway. namaste, fae

Dear Kay, I am holding you in my heart and sending prayers for you and Polly. Blessings

Oh, Dear Maryann, You are exactly where you are supposed to be today. You are being honest with yourself about when you need to feel sad. I think it was Anne who wrote or quoted, "Allow yourself to be where you are." For now, and for as long as it takes, you will be putting yourself back together. Here, we work mostly on hearts. But there is your precious body that needs loving attention and good care, and that means everything from taking walks to eating well to drinking plenty of pure water. There is your home, and I see you are doing some house things, and that helped me a lot the first several months after Doug left. I hope you are keeping a journal. It is a wonderful tool of catharsis and self-exploration, because we need to figure who we are now, that our Beloved has changed form. There is no reason to think yet about what the future holds: you are still holding Mark with your body and heart and spirit, and it is not time—not nearly time—to worry about the future you will someday design for yourself, when you are ready. It is not wrong to not be ready to think about the future. You are exactly where you need to be. You are most definitely not wallowing. You are grieving the loss of your Beloved. I know what you mean about people taking for granted their relationships. It is still difficult for me to listen to girlfriends who "vent" about their husbands. I loved being Doug's wife. And he loved being my husband. That love is still here. Don't worry, you are doing fine. The love you and Mark have will make enough light for your to see you next step. Really. Are you doing any meditation? There are wonderful offerings here, on the Meditation thread, and Marty probably has more on her site. Peace to your Heart, fae

Bravo! Mitch! You did it! How wonderful to have the support of your work family around you, and to know that they care. I am touched. What a loving place to work. I am very glad that you are back there among them. Blessings, fae

Thank you Marty and Kay.

LOL

nattering . . . It is almost 3AM, and I am happy to be resting and that tomorrow many things will get done. I guess I truly had not realized how much the cancer and the PTSD were all tied together. How could they not be, for I am one entity, a spirit given this embodiment so I could play this human game "for Heaven and the future's sake" Frost, "Two Tramps in MudTime" one of our favorite poems. Emotions impact our health, our bodies, and our ability to function. Healing takes as long as it takes. I got to learn more patience. I think I am almost ready for a new game. Not quite yet, but I can tell I am getting closer. It is as though I am waking up, getting happy and even excited with gleeful anticipation for what tomorrow might bring in the way of wonderment and beauty. I should be going to sleep, but I am so enjoying this sense of wellness, peace, joy, and love, that all I want to do is revel in it, and let my heart be happy and present in this moment in a delightful way, for a little while longer. Oh, gosh! it feels wonderful to sense that I own my body again! I will get to play more in the mountains, and maybe do a little climbing again, spend time in the snow of the forests, silently gliding, with only the sound of my skis and my breath to let me know I am alive and not in some state of total transcendence. I will slip between the birch trees, watching for winter moose, and sensing the coldness of the low, low noon sun. I shall sleep beneath my stars again, falling up into them as I sleep. I actually can imagine that all of this could happen. I could not have imagined this even a few weeks ago. There is a miraculous synchronicity in my life, that is bringing together all these threads of wellness to weave a new pattern of my being, my life, and my spirit. I have no idea what I have done to deserve this incredible blessing, as well as all of those blessings that are on their way, but I am going to be able to greet each gift with a welcoming smile, seeing the goodness in the gift. I could not have done this even a few weeks ago. I believe now that my Faith and Trust in Doug's spirit and of course in G*d has paid off -- is paying off -- is lifting me up to this place of peace and joy that I feel sometimes now. I am writing this while tears are coursing down my cheeks, but these are tears of gratitude and joy. And, yes, some of remembering, too. I wish I could give a minute with Doug to each of you. People used to pause inside his energy, and be touched by his gentle loving presence. People did not forget him. I will not forget him. His spirit is here, in my heart, and when I need him, I can feel him within me, warming my heart and giving me a place of grounding. For more than a year now, I have had these little signs up around the house "I am Trusting" to remind me not to lose my faith and my hope in the promise of the Psalm 'through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. . . My cup runneth over." I had altered this slightly, and have had a sign on my desktop for a while, thanking G*d for preparing the Way before me. It has been very tough sometimes to remember the promises I had from Doug and G*d. Most of you know that we called G*d the Headmaster, and alternate days, the Headmistress, because who really knows? I mean, we are talking about G*d here, for Heaven's sake! Which brings me back to the first paragraph. One of the last things Doug told me as he was drifting away in the luminosity of his own spirit, was that there really was a Headmaster. He was absolutely beaming. What better gift from your husband than the assurance that your Faith was well-founded, that there was reason to Trust, and that no matter what, you had been given that fact by the one person on Earth whom you most trusted? Pretty cool. Whew, this is a lot of nattering. But this is a profound and miraculous recovery I am making, after feeling for a while that the dark forces might win this game. But we are assured that the dark forces never win: they just serve to help us hone our skills so we become better gamers. Many of my miracles these past two plus years have begun here, with the loving wisdom of Marty and Mary shared so freely with us all, and with the compassion and support I have found around this warming and healing fire of our Tribe. So, a part of my goal now is to pick up the gift of lovingkindness that I have been given here, and offer it each day as I return more to the world, knowing how much this gift is even better than water in a parched land -- it is fresh lemonade! (You all know, 'when life hands you lemons, make lemonade') We are all becoming such wonderful makers of lemonade. {{{hugs}}} namaste, fae

I'll still be having tests every four months for the next couple of years, it seems, then maybe we go to every 5 or 6 months, but to make it through this first year with such wonderful test results has really lifted my spirits.

Thank you Jan and Carrie and Anne and Kay! Yes, this was the one-year series of tests, and if there had been ANY indication it was necessary, I would have had another PET scan scheduled. But not only was everything clear, there was the additional bonus of having improved vital signs and "impressively improved" liver function. Anne, your graphic and message are perfect for me on this snowy day. My heart and whole being are lighter today. And I am sure I did not realize the true depths of my worry until it was lifted. The wonderful aspect of making it one year is that now, rather than focusing on making it another three months to the next set of tests (and barely daring to plan beyond that time, especially after having all my plans with Doug dashed against the reality of death), I am ready to make more plans, dream more, and give more "hostages to time" in the form of taking action toward plans and dreams beyond short-term concerns and goals. Having this wonderful outcome has definitely lifted my spirits, and given me the hope to feel free to plan—and to take action— for many more years. And a lot of the worry is slowly lifting with the effective trauma therapy, so that I begin to ask myself, "What do you want your life to look like in ten years? In twenty years?" and to begin to feel some hope that my life will continue to move along in good ways. Thank you for all the loving emotional support and for caring. namaste, fae

Thank you Marty. Thank you Anne. Thank you everyone. *<twinkles>* fae

And Kay? Your blizzard just arrived. Side-ways blowing snow. I am so glad I started the fire!. I'm off to cozy up and enjoy a wonderful evening with my wine and chicken soup. I hope you are all snugged in and taking very good care of you and the fur babies. *<twinkles>* fae

Woo Hoo!!!!! How to say this? Celebratory joy abounds. I feel ready to fly, to laugh as I skim the waves of the lake, to play, to be fully alive in my element, which is for me, as it is for each of us, our beautiful Earth. This is our playground. This is a very happy time for me, this afternoon. My tests are all clear—better even, if that is possible—and I do not need more tests for four months, which is a month longer than the three-month schedule I have been on since a year ago when the cancer was discovered and all removed. I am keeping my positive attitude as much as I can. Getting the very effective treatments for the PTSD is really helping, and I am learning a lot about how to live with and manage the PTS, as well as feeling my emotional system/psyche/heart healing. Today, doc and I talked mostly about Doug, about climbing, and even nattered a bit about wines. The test results are so wonderfully healthy that I am released from all constraints on eating and drinking, but I will still continue at my moderate healing pace for a while longer, because I do not want any reversals. We talked about doc's climbing, the fora we both frequent, how cool Doug was, the climbing info that he shared with doc, and a lot about what doc considers my "remarkable spirit and determination" to be healthy and strong again. I am up another pitch, I think, on this incredible climb out of the shadows, and each day, I see more light. Thank you for being on this journey with me, and for putting up with my nattering, as well as appreciating my occasional words of wisdom. I am going to pick out a bottle of great wine from the wine cellar, and open it in an hour or so, maybe have some GF crackers and cheese, and watch a nice romantic comedy. I want to laugh a lot. I wish so much Doug were here to celebrate this day with me, and we could dance around the living room, maybe out in the yard, smiling at each other, laughing and hugging as we danced. I wish so much I weren't faced with the sometimes seemingly overwhelming challenge of designing a new solo life for me, but then again, I know Doug needed to escape and I am glad he was able to leave with my love all around him and filling his heart and spirit. But I do miss him so. I had decided as I drove in to see the doc that if there was bad news (because of all the strange ways of the tests this time) that I was not going to have chemo or any of that, but would probably retreat to simplicity and semi-solitude, and rid myself of all stress I could, take on no responsibilities, and just live in as much beauty and peace as I could, while foraging for organic foods and being as much at peace as possible. If possible, I would heal myself, but if not, I would enjoy each day, avoid chemo and any more surgeries and laugh as much as possible, while writing love letters to everyone I love. That would include many of you here. I may do the love letters, anyway, just because I don't think we can tell each other too much how very much we love one another. But, oh, I miss my darling Doug today. I miss his robust laughter, his strong arms and chest when he would pick me up and twirl me. I miss the feel of his hands tangled in my hair. I miss his kisses after we had sipped our wine as we stood on the balcony, watching the storms rise up and then spill down over the Divide. I miss hearing him declare, "Fantastic!" or "Excellent!" when good things happened. I miss his laughter that tickled my heart. So, I prayed today, before I went in, that no matter what I heard today, no matter what might be before me, that Doug would have me on belay, watching over me and keeping me safe, no matter what. I know for a fact that G*d constantly has me on belay as well, but I also know that Doug is no doubt working for G*d full time now, and I know he bargained that he would always be here to watch over me, because that was part of his deal he made before he left (remember, I got to hear his side of the negotiations and general conversation). So I know Doug was with me today. And coming home, seeing the wind surfer out there, riding the whitecaps and choppy waves, so joyous in his play that I could feel his spirit dancing all the way over on the shore, where the wind whipped spray sometimes and the scuttling clouds made patterns of hot and cold against my skin. There was Doug, laughing with me, I know. I hope I get back to wind surfing and maybe some wind skiing too. Maybe at least skijoring. We will see. I try not to natter about worry too much here around the fire, sort of to make up for all the incredibly toxic and terrible nattering I have done over these past two years, when the trauma stuff was so bad. But, I think that as I am finally healing this trauma in a caring and controlled setting, using the latest techniques with a skilled and supportive person, that I will also have less and less toxic stuff spilling out of me. Well, maybe you dears did not notice too much, but I certainly did. No doubt many thoughts will continue as I slowly winkle out those feelings and let them float away in Bill's Mary's bubbles. Thank you for that image, Mary. Well, what a day! Tomorrow I will probably return to being a more calm and staid person, but for now, I am going to twirl with happiness and let myself go revel in this relief and joy, knowing that Doug is here, smiling and laughing most robustly at my worries and now at my relief and joy. *<twinkles>* fae

Kay, your stormy weather is gusting over the Divide and on its way here. A while ago, I drove home from the tests, past the Lake, where there was a lone wind surfer out, dancing on the waves, really handling his board and sail with beauty and grace, power and play. I pulled over and got our my binocs, and watched him for a while, just smiling at the beauty of this ride, as he appeared to skim the tops of the whitecaps, riding to and fro, obviously having a wonderful time. I could feel my body wanting to go out and ride the waves, but know I am not ready yet. More recovery to do. I have just laid and lit a fire, and I can see the snow beginning to come over the Divide. *<twinkles>* fae

Thank you Jan, that piece is perfect for me. I think we slowly find ways to integrate our history into our present, so that our perspective shifts to include all that has been, and we use this new base of knowing -- which of course shifts daily -- to shape our view of the present. And while we know we are "in the now" I think we also carry with us the energetic presence of our Beloved. Thank you for posting that. I am going to read it again later. namaste, fae

Dear QMary, On this day of memories and love, I am sending loving thoughts your way, and holding you and Mike in my heart. I hope it is a day of celebration for the beautiful, enduring love you shared, and that the memories bring smiles to your face and heart. Namaste, fae

nattering . . . It has been a beautiful day of culinary therapy. I made lots of chicken muchi curry, organic, and some is in the freezer. Then I made chicken vegetable soup, also organic, and that will cool overnight, so I can put some in the freezer. I find that one activity that truly soothes and consumes me (no pun intended) when I am not having a studio day is cooking. Slicing and dicing really are therapeutic! As well, my spirit sister in Fairbanks called and we talked for a long time, which was a heavenly visit. I had talked with our goddaughter, who is her daughter, earlier. Then I had lovely visits with some of our grief sisters here, and ended my day with lots of laughter. It has been a long day, and I may follow Anne's lead and have a "PJ day" tomorrow. I'll see what the dawn brings. I know there will be birdsong—a delightful way to begin the day. The arborist came and cut down the three dead trees threatening the power lines. Thank goodness, because we have had high winds, and one dead tree fell the other night. Just to confirm my status as a slightly whacky nerd, there was a huge CME (coronal mass ejection) from the sun recently, and a wave of the energy disrupted our Earth's atmosphere. I think we humans felt it as well, and that is why so may of us are feeling disrupted, or scattered, or vulnerable. I am intending using it as an opportunity to let some stuff shake loose that I don't need to carry any more. And Venus and the Pleiades are very close in the western sky, at about sunset. Stunningly beautiful. Eight sisters together :)End of sky report I feel so honored to be among this Tribe of love and light, rising from all our spirits and lifting our dreams and intentions of compassion and lovingkindness to shower down on all. *<twinkles>* fae