Cakes01

Mary, How have you been?? How is the remodeling going? Today turned out to be a good day. Well maybe a doable if that's a word better describes it. Seeing Dr.S made me feel so close to Marcus. She knows all about us and knows how much we love eachother. It felt really nice. I broke down and she cried with me. He was such a likable man-charming, but not sleazy like some men by pouring it on too thick. Just charming. I miss him!

Hi NATS Thank you for your kind words. It brought me great comfort when you said you believe Marcus is fine. I know we don't know eachother, but i know most people that mention a faith usually believe in it strongly so thank you for that comfort. I am trying to stay calm as to hopefully see more signs from him. He knows i'm not observant so i'm hoping he will send me some in my face signs. I believe he will. I still don't understand why he died. It should've been me....

Anne, I think Marcus sent me a message threw you. Hot air balloon? Swim with dolphins? He surprised me with a hot air balloon ride and wanted to teach me to scuba dive and swim with the dolphins! Come to think of it you may have known about the balloon ride already, but i still feel him tonight. I will take your suggestions. Thank you

Kay, i too think of the plans Marcus and i had. So many....it makes me want to not try. Makes me mad that we didn't have more time together. I do plan to make our business successful, but other then that i'm at a loss. What kind of plans did you and George have? If you'd like to share i would like to hear about them. I hope you're right about Marcus not being alone and feeling my love. I think i got a few signs from him today. I was calmer then yesterday and i've read that extreme grief can make it hard for them to get threw. I don't know i'm just reaching for something anything to connect with him. Anne is a wonderful woman from what i've have had the pleasure to know of her so far. I pray she will be ok . I can not say it enough as i'm sure many say-life can be so unfair

Oh Anne i am at a loss for words. It took me a bir, but found where you are posting updates. I am so sorry and scared and angry for you. I know you much rather be focused on your beloved Jim. I am so deeply sorry you have to go threw this. Life can be so unfair! Please keep letting us know what's going on and you can always pm me anytime. Between my phone and tablet i'm always checking in. Also i have nothing planned till Saturday so i'll be on my tablet. Big gentle hugs to you!

I wish you only pleasant dreams Shannon.

I really appreciate the responses to me. i look forward to reading them when i get to my tablet soon. i am going to see a therapist that Marcus had gone with me to see only a few months before he died. it will be nice to be around someone who knew how much we love another. I wanted to say thank you in advance cause it really means so much to me that people care. i am alone here. not on this site, but in my life here. so....THANK YOU.

I'm sitting here fighting the feeling of breaking. Marcus used to say he hated being alone. i always said i didn't mind being alone just hated being without him. he later started to say he"i hate being alone and no just anyone won't do. i need to be with you-my KJ" I am a loss without him. i have one friend in Florida who is pulling away. i get it people don't know what to say. it doesn't ease the pain of being so alone. he didn't believe he was my everything, but he was and always will be. i still can't believe he's dead. i don't know how to keep going and i don't want to. as he said i belong by his side. he wanted me to take my place there. i wish he would come get me. i hate being alone now and no not just anyone do. just you my sweet Marcus. it's always been you. We talked about everything happening for a reason and maybe with nothing to do with me there is a reason why he died, but as for my purpose? I see none and i do not want to see one. only be with him. I am so alone. i only hope and pray he is not alone and feels my love still. he is my everything.

Love this!

Awe well it's nice that you shared time with Bill there. I know i dislike when things are not organized. I bet your blinds are really nice and will look lovely once you are able to put them up. Hopefully it will be sooner then later.

Marcus was a beautiful person. i can't catch my breath. i ache for him!!

Thoughts are with you. you are stronger then you think or maybe feel at times. let us know how things are when you can. big hug.

Thank you Marty so much for these links. i'm going to look at them right now.

I know they are a brotherhood. my soon to be ex husband is a firefighter. i have nothing, but respect for them, but Marcus's story is a bit different. i think i should just tell everyone my whole story including all about my wonderful Marcus. no he wasn't perfect, but he was to me and for me. I feel like i'm just giving everyone bits and pieces of my story which i guess i am. i don't mean to make you guess. i want to tell my story. i know i can here and i am safe here. Nothing was hidden with me and Marcus just to put it out there. just confusing and sucks because of legalties.

I want to tell my story, but can't see the link to do so. also i'm interested to know if anyone here believes in communicating with the dead. sign-energy as Marcus would say. i was going to start something about it, but can't figure out how.

I have to head back to my overnight I hope everyone has had a really nice day and finds tonight peaceful.

I started to reply to all of you, but then i lost it I shall start over. Thank you Mary, Fae, Anne, and Kay for all your kind words of wisdom. I don't want anyone here to hold back on advice or their feelings with me. I welcome it all as i know you all know how i feel. I will be nothing sort of grateful for any feed back you are willing to give me even if you think i may not want to hear it. I am back at my parents house with Luna till i have to go back for another overnight which i am not looking forward to. It's hard to write here with my phone which is all i have on overnights so i'm glad i have this time to write on my tablet. Mary-i loved what you said about a teaspoon of rich soil in the grand canyon that's inside me. It was beautiful as it deeply touched me-your concern for me. Marcus and i both used alcohol to deal with daily life in our marraiges. We only talked about it in the beginning, but we never needed it to be together. Just loved spending time together. The night he died we were drinking heavily and fighting. We had our disagreements, but it was the first time we were out with another couple and though it started off really great it got bad-stupid bad. Foolish. I have no desire to drink. I know it won't make me feel better. It can't bring him back. I had a really rough night. I felt sick to my stomach and had horrible dreams. The painters schedule must be a bit annoying. Have you moved into a new place or just redoing your home? I'm trying to read up on everyone, but it's taking me a little while. I hope you are continuing to enjoy the day. Fae-Thank you for returning all my pm's and for being concerned for me. I recieved a call from a clinic that i called on friday about grief counciling. She gave me a few different numbers. I started to really fall apart. Your list is very helpful. I used to make lists for everything. Marcus used to sweetly joke about them. I am here living back at my parents house and though i am extremely grateful for them i'm just....sad. i can't go into our apartment-the place we made our home with his girls. I just want to be with him. I want to be in our home. I keep driving up there 45min from my parents and going to places we used to go to. Places where people knew us as a couple. Saw how much in love we had for eachother. Hugs are something i can't seem to find at least not more then once from someone. Marcus was always the people person, but now i find myself in desparate need to be around people. Not just anyone though. People who knew and supported me and Marcus. My parents i don't feel ever did. They rather me stay in a loveless marraige. Even seeing how happy him and the girls made me they still gave him a hard time. He was nothing, but kind and sweet to them. I am very happy to have found this place and wonderful people like you. I have been crying a lot and seeing a client of mine sort of made me feel worse. She said she felt bad for me, but went on to say her divorce was a death and that she's struggling too being out of work so no ones life is perfect. I was right around the corner from where Marcus's girls live. I wanted to go to them so badly, but know that would only be selfish of me. How are you doing today? As i told Mary i'm trying to read up on everyone, but is taking me awhile. I do care though Anne-how are you doing today? I liked what you said about chocolate. Oddly before Marcus i didn't care for chocolate or so i thought. He didn't have a big sweet tooth, but loved my chocolate cherry cookies. I only made them for him. I have found that when i don't really want anything to eat something sweet does the trick. Marcus was a great cook. He always fed me well. A friend i used to have who lived in Arizona loved it there too. Even with the heat. She enjoyed taking pictures of the outdoors. It does look beautiful though i'm really not good in the heat. Kay-i do wish i knew what would help ease this horrific pain-for all of us. Bringing them back would be my goal. I think Marcus may be mad at me b/c we were fight when he died though i know we are so much more then that one terrible night. Also b/c i was using pills and then last night wine to drown my grief. I just want to be with him. Being at that overnight i thought would be good for me. The woman there had suffered a lot of loss and she focuses on her animals. It was so hard though. All i did was cry. Poor puppy was so sweet and affectionate. i just want to scream to that whole stupid town how much me and Marcus love eachother! I know it shouldn't matter what others think, but the way he was buried and the whole show that was put on--it was wrong!! Yes he was an amazing father and firefighter, but he didn't live in that town and happily married to the girls mother. We were living together and the girls stayed with us. They saw how we loved eachother. He was never ashamed of us and it feels like i'm letting him down-again. Enough about me. How are you today??

Mary-i love your concern for me. makes me feel special. kind of like Marcus made/makes me feel. thank you.

I am at my overnight now. i'm sitting here missing him so much. i hear trucks pass and i think they are his. Thank you for caring so much about me. i only had 2 sips of the 3rd drink then left. i know he wouldn't want me there. i'm just so sad. i don't know how to do this without him. we both used alcohol to get by in our last marriages and we didn't drink much together. didn't need or want it. i wanted to remember everything we shared. I'm so lost without him. thank you Mary for listening to me. truely-thankyou. i hope you sleep peacefully tonight.

I have had 2 glasses of wine. on my 3rd and my friend is gone. everyone says i should talk ti someone but i don't know who to talk to. he would hate me sitting here drinking. something happened last night. i think he is mad at me. i hate being here. here in this life. not on this site. this site has been a huge comfort. how do you keep going???? I want to make him proud, but i also just want to curl up and give up. Mary-your strength is so admirable. very much like MM. I hope you're night is going much better then mine. Could you show me the portrait your friend drew of Bill? I'd love to see it

I am alone again. 2 drinks in and i'm so grateful for my friend yet so lost and sad right now. sitting here myself missing my Marcus

Hi Mary i'm sitting at a Mexican place waiting for my former boss turned friend. i'm sitting here with glass of wine that i think Marcus would've liked. i'm on the verge of tears as they sing happy birthday to someone. Marcus wouldn't like me sitting in here waiting for her like this. he was protective of me, but not in a bad way. i was down that road in my early 20's. Marcus just loved me. i miss him so much. this overnight is going to be hard. he used to message and call me all the time when i was there to make sure i was ok. that connection we speak of- i know so many say that and it's written on cards all the time, but that feeling that feeling you have with Bill and i have with Marcus it's almost indescribable. i have so much bottled up and don't know how to get it out. i believe Marcus felt the same way with all he struggled with-some big things to do with me. i hate myself for that. I'm glad you are getting your place together. my friend is here. write more tonight. i hope you're hear and well

Waking up is by far one of the things i dread the most these days. Hugs to you Jan

I had a dream a little over a week after Marcus died. Our tablets are still synced so i can see his email. His 11yr old sent him a message saying how much she and her sisters love and miss him. I wanted to throw up. I wanted more to respond to her, but couldn't. The next night i had a dream that i was sitting at a table with Marcus. I asked him if he spoke to her. He didn't hear the name so i repeated it. He said yes after recess he did. I said so you stay at home now? Don't go to work? He said yes he's at home. (The house he lived in with his girls) I remember feeling a bit angry in my dream because of the mother of his girls. When i woke up though i remember him telling me the only concern he will ever have for her has to do with her being well enough to take care of the girls. I never wanted to take him from them and still don't so i'm glad he's there with them. I just wish he would send me more signs that he's ok-that he's not mad at me. It was clear that was a message. I was getting lost in ways to communicate with the dead. We had spoke of it on ocassion and i know though it confused him and maybe even scared him he did believe in energy as he would say. Didn't like the word spirit. He saw things and experienced things in his past. He didn't like to talk about it till about a month or two before he died. He started to be more at ease talking about such things. I am greedy and want more. More messages.