Cakes01

Oh Fae, reading you describe how you and Doug shared your anniversary brought tears to my eyes. So very beautiful. I am lighting a candle for both of you right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shannon, I am so very sorry for all you are going threw. It is absolutely heart breaking I will be praying for you and your Leo and that you will be able to be by his side tomorrow. I'm sending you thoughts of strength and hope.

It was Kay. Neither were expected encounters, but very nice. Also the other night i got texts from Marcus' youngest sister. She had stayed eith us one weekend with the girls. We really hit it off. I had left her a few messages on google, but didn't push. She said she just saw my messages and was so sorry she didn't see them sooner. She looked for me on facebook, but couldn't find me. She said she understands why Marcus distanced himself from the family and she is doing the same now. She said she met me and loves me and what i brought out in him. She saw a beautiful side of Marcus that they will never see and it's their loss. I just wanted her to know he was never mad at her. What she gave me in return was nothing short of a wonderful gift! How is your car? You did get it back, right??

I am trying Kay. i know i shouldn't worry or even think about her. thank you for the words of encouragement It seems fitting that i share this here. i went to do a visit today and the guy was home. We had a really nice and enlitightening talk. it will be 2 yrs in August that his wife died. that's why he needs a pet sitter. he had to go back to work and has 3 wonderful dogs. he was very open and so kind. we talked about how people who don't know what to say when faced with grief would just shut up and say nothing or just a simple sorry. we were able to just BE in our candid conversation. yes i get that MOST people mean well, but really? being an adult you know yourself well enough-close your mouth if it isn't going yo be nice or helpful. even this guy just now 2 hrs later waiting for my pizza he was so nice. took my cards and we talked about a lot of things. neither were close to romantic. just nice to be heard. i miss MM so much!

Thank you for reminding me about allergies. I always wrote on a little card all the ingredients to be safe. I have one recipe that has cheese baked in and the other peanut butter. Both are made with whole wheat flour. I'll check out the pumpkin recipe you have though. I used to sell my cookies and cakes a long time ago and just naturally fell into making dog cookies 8yrs ago. Thought it was 6, but been doing this longer then i thought

Thank you Kay. It's always nice to hear that someone is in my corner i wrote Marcus a letter today. It will be one of many i think. It felt good, but of course not the same as our many hour conversations. I do have to stop focusing on Jen and just do my thing and as you said-in honor of Marcus Hey did you you get your car??

Hi Fae, I don't know how i keep missing posts i'm.... still here. Therapy does help. Even if right now it's only to spend an hour with someone who knows how much we love eachother and to share memories with her. I don't know about the group support. People make me nervous though i do really well with my consults with clients. Also i'm on guard about being judged. I have this idea in my head that Marcus's ex knows EVERYONE. That can't be true though. I'm worried about what she and her "friends" are saying about the business. Marcus wanted this business to be successful. I wish she and her "friends" would go away. I wish they would all just focus on her and her baby! I miss him so much Enough about me. How are you doing??

Thank you Mary i will think about the facebook page. Not sure i want to go there though. Some good things have happen though. The woman that owns a gift shop where we were living has been so nice. All the store owners over there have been, but she's gone tge extra mile. She's so easy to talk with and so giving. They all took my cards and put them out and said they would put up my flyers. This woman came up with the idea for me to set up a table outside her shop on a busy Saturday. Said she'll bring her dog to sit with me and make balloons to give the kids. I was thinking of making the dog cookies i make for the holidays to give out with my card. God i miss Marcus. I either really feel Marcus with me or i'm in serious denile. I can talk about him without crying-most of the time. Not many people to talk to period let alone about Marcus. I remembered when he took me skiing-my first time. I choose to share it (without thinking) with my step father. It felt good till he didn't say anything. Just looked away and changed the subject. I was smiling and laughing at all we went through that long day. I felt bad because of his reaction. Not for long though. It was and always will be a memory of US. I'm grateful to have them. So....how did the painting turn out? Couldn't find anything you may have written about it.

Here's the card he desined. May not be easy to see, but it came out so good. I hope i can make him proud!

I don't have anyway of checking on that since i'm not on their and don't have any friends. Thanks for all of the advice. Some i wouldn't have thought of I have been a pet sitter for 8 yrs and we started this business last December so i know most of what to do. It's the advertising and marketing i don't know too much about. As i think i've already said it was to be my passion and his business sense. He was a great business man. I just picked up the business cards he designed.

I didn't know you can do that. Maybe i'll do that. I'm just afraid of putting our business into "their" heads if they haven't trashed it already

Hi Mary, I know my parents mean well. I just want some time to be. BE. I miss him. Just talking with him.... My mom is helping me make flyers to hand out and put up. I've also handed my cards out again today. The facebook page is a great idea. We were going to do that connected to his page, but didn't get to it. That's ok b/c i fear Jen and her friends would destroy it. I'm not on there and Marcus was only on there to check on the girls. I have been wondering if and what has been said about me on there. I'm sure nothing nice i just hope they don't bash Remmie's Companion Care. He chose to be with me and wanted this business to be successful. They don't have to like me, but at least honor ONE of his wishes/dreams! Sorry-got somewhat off topic. I would like to be able to get a page for the business, but Jen is on there all the time. I don't think i can as strange as that's sounds. If you see anything about our company on there could you please let me know?? How did that painting turn out? I should look on one of your threads

Kay, I'm sorry you can't get that money back. I know some will say it's only money, but as Marcus would say "Sadly money talks and makes the world go round". Let me know how things are going and if you get your car back on Tuesday

I am very blessed to have my parents support. The lawyer was just up there on the top of the list after the accident. I just had too many legal things going on. Marcus was helping me with my divorce while working on his own. Now i need this lawyer. We don't really have anything, but we do have a house which he is living in. He wanted the house in exchange for giving me the car i've been driving and taking all the debt. I was going to walk away out of guilt, but Marcus was right. I should get what i'm legally entitled to. Turns out we don't owe nearly as much money as he was claiming. He is a good and nice guy, but i need any money i can get right now. I don't know of anyone who can afford to say "no, really that's ok. You take everything. I'll just start over on my own". I'm so sorry you went threw all of that. That you still are. That would make me so angry! There's no way you could or can get the money back the money for George's hospital bills? I'm not sure how to get that balance. Marcus and i talked about balance a lot. Like our tatoos. We balance eachother out. On our own though we struggled to be balanced. He took such good care of me and not just with material things. He knew me better then i knew myself. I'm sure you miss that with George too missing their physical bodies is so painful. I know they are still with us though. When do you get your car back?

I'm trying. I handed out a few cards yesterday. I know i should be doing more, but honestly i just feel....so empty at times Thank you i think he'll be proud of me too. It's sad though cause it was our dream. My passion and his business sense. It's a tangable link to him though and i know carrying out is the right thing. My parents got me the family attorney after the accident. He is handling my divorce and the accident. I like him. Nice guy, but not a push over.

As grateful as i am to have a place to stay right now it can be so hard. They ask "so what's up?" Or "what did you do today-nothing?" I feel rushed and scared. I was reading and writting and just missing Marcus. It's like i can't have any time to do that. It's not like i'm eating them out of their house. I rarely come out of this one room and go for days at a time to do visits. I just need some time. I've never been on my own and was just beginning to feel the beauty of being with Marcus and as he had said many times "don't you see my love? You'll never again have to be alone." With little support-i just want some time. I miss him so much!! The business was a partnership, but in my name now. I closed the joint account and took the 800 that Marcus kept in there. I put it into my new business account yesterday. That felt awesome. I know he would want me to have it to grow the business. I left that account alone because i didn't want to ruin any chance to talk with the girls-her seeing i took the money. After the texts on Monday i said to hell with this. Now the business and that money is mine. Besides being with Marcus (obviously) i would love nothing more then to live on my own. I just don't have the money. I also don't have enough steady money coming in. I'm hoping to get a settlement from the accident. Not that any amount of money could replace or even ease the pain of not having Marcus here, but it hopefully would enable me to live on my own and make our dream of Remmie's Companion Care happen.

I hope you are able to go on vacation. Definately well deserved!

Oh Anne how wonderful would it be to have that one more time. More hugs to you.

Thank you Anne. That means so much to me. I get confused cause here i hear about being pataint and loving to myself. Also taking my time threw my grief, but honestly i don't feel like i have even really touched it yet. I feel like i'm in some form of disbelief. I don't have anyone here, but my therapist. My mother wants me to settle in here yet move and my step father wants me to get more jobs and get on with it. When they know i've been cryin they ask-what about a stronger anti-depressant? One month! One long, yet still only a month! Can't i just be sad!!?

Wow i just dealt with this all day today. How are you? Um....getting by, trying, still here.... I to like what Kay said - adjusting and like Anne i feel the tears start when i can tell the person whose asking really wants to know.

Tonight was not what i was expecting at all. I felt good going to the bank and therapy. This sweet little boy-i got him from a pet store all signs seem to say "green light" , but i had to bring him to a ferret rescue (i got 2 of my ferrets from her. I wasn't able to keep him. It broke the rest of my heart. I need to get myself together and go on my own. I have never been on my own before. I still believe i was supposed to find that little boy. Joanne that has the rescue will find himna good home. I don't like promoting petstores, but now he has a chance at a really good home. She does tough checks on families. Gotta love that! Still....wish i could've kept him. Someday hopefully soon i'll be able to do as i please again.

Going to get Lunar a friend. on my own. wish me luck!!

Thank you Kay. reading that makes me smile. we had people tell us we look so happy together. He also loved looking at us together in the mirror. i don't like looking at myself, but loved looking at us. i mainly looked at him. he was so good looking. i'm waiting for a pizza and just gave out my card to a few people for our pet sitting business. i also went to the bank and got the 800.00 Marcus had for our business. that feels amazing! I took the higher road, but that money was for our -Remmie's Companion Care. i wanted to be nice, but forget that. i know he would be proud of me. big hugs to you Kay!

So it has been one month since the accident. I look at his picture and sometimes wonder "were you even real?" I was so blessed to have even met him let alone have his unconditional beautiful love. I didn't think i was good enough for me, but he always told me anything i saw as imperfections he saw as just another sweet part of me. I don't think it has sunk in that he is really gone. His physical body never to be seen or touched again. I haven't cried in a while and just starting now i fear i'll never stop. I miss everything about him. I loved to just watch him. He did things with such ease and grace. He was funny too. We could always make eachother smile with just a look or a touch or wrestling-laughing so hard and ending up on the floor laying on on eachother out of breath and smiling. God he had such a gorgous smile! It sounds like things people usually say after someone dies, but i told him all the time that i loved every inch of him especially his mind and heart. His lips, nose, feet-his arms were my home. I can't go home! :( sorry i need to stop for now.