Cakes01

Hi Anne, Yes I've been looking around. Reading stories when up to it. I did have at least one thing a day that i had to get done, but not today. I just layed around and cried. I want to get out of my skin. This was always my worst nightmare come true. I would tell Marcus my biggest fear was not losing him to another woman, but losing him to death. I needed to die first because i couldn't live without him. I know it probably sounded like just a greeting card line, but i felt it inside. I couldn't-i can't. I don't want to. I have to go see my lawyer tomorrow and do an overnight at a clients house. I have no desire to do anything. I want to just diappear. Deep breaths are something that Marcus used to always practic. He would breath deeply with me to get me to calm down-be in sync with him. I miss his smell.... I hope you had a nice relaxing day. Was it?

Hi Jan Thank you for your kind words. It really does touch me when people reach out to me. It doesn't happen much in person so it's very comforting to come here and be heard. It sounds like you've been very busy which i've heard is good. Especially with kids. They can take your mind off the sadness if only for a little while. I'm so glad you have them. Hope you get some much deserved rest.

Hi Mary, It's so nice that you and Bill had such a special bond. That is something no one can take from you though i know at the darkest of times that may not be a comfort as it isn't for me i hope it is for you. Bill sounds like a wonderful man. I bet he and Marcus would have a lot to talk about. They both sound like very personable men. I hope you get a spring this year. Spring makes me sad. I was so excited for this spring. Now i'm at a loss. I have overnights to do at a house by where Marcus and I lived. He didn't like me staying at this house just because of the location. He was very protective of me. I'm going to be staying there tomorrow night monday night and tuesday night. I'm not sure how i'm going to handle it. As it is i feel like i have no home anymore. Now to go there and not have his text messages and phone calls-he'd even drive by in the morning and leave me messages on my car. I miss him so much. Sometimes i can't catch my breath. I don't want to catch it anymore. I am going to make the business work in his honor. Make it all we wanted it to be. The nice thing about this house is the woman that lives there is an amazing woman. She does so much for animals and has suffered so much loss in a short amount of time. I never knew how she kept going and to continue to give back to others....i am happy for people who are in love, but going into a clients house that is covered in love notes....that was our home. Maybe if i have internet service i'll tell my story here while i'm there. I know this is only the beginning of the firsts i'll have to go thru. I don't think i have it in me. How was your lunch?

Bentley is a very good looking pup. Funny about the naps. I have always taken naps. Something Marcus and i kinda dissagreed on. An afternoon nap on a nice spring or fall day....so nice. I'm a little hesitant now of sleeping though last night was peaceful. I think maybe that's why he thought sleep was a waste of time. He knew-he told me he would die young.

I hope you have a nice nap. When you get a chance i'd like to hear more about your Bill. What was his specialty when he cooked? I'm mainly eating junk food now. He used to feed me so well. Made delicious tuna steaks and eggplant rollitini. I used to love to what him chop vegetables.

Jan C We haven't spoken, but i wanted to tell you how sorry i am for your loss. I know you must miss Pete so deeply. I can relate to what you said about all your love for him being for only the two of you. I've had people say "put it into your work"or "you're young you'll find someone else" whether they mean well or not it still secretly gets to me cause some just don't get it. I hope you are hanging in there and having a peaceful day. Hugs to you.

Anne, Your possitive attitude is admirable. Whether or not you can carry out certain acts the fact that you are even able to see the possitives-have people and things that make you happy is so great. All the questions you stated about why--i wonder the same things. Also when you said until you can be with Jim again....one of my most said phrases these days. That's all i want is to be with MM again. Why must we go on and suffer so without our soul mates?? Makes me cry and so mad.

Hi Mary I hope you are having a nice peaceful day. I didn't forget about your questions about Marcus. They made me smile last night and again just now. He was a very out going smart and funny person. He was very clever and insightful. He enjoyed taking things apart and putting them back together again-figuring out how things worked. He was a wonderful cook which he was just able to explore. I would call him more of a chef. He loved the presentation part of the meal. His girls wouls say"all this dad and it's only us?" He would say "aren't you worth it? Aren't we worth a nice meal?" He was such a giving man. Always giving and putting everyone before himself. He worked for Verizon as a manager and bought and owned a floor cleaning company. I went with him between 11pm-3am to buff and wax commercal floors then he went to Verizon. He workedso hard and desparately wanted his girls with us not their mother. He was by far a better parent. I miss them too. I wish i could reach out to them, but i can't. We enjoyed laying on the couch together and eating together. The night before he died we made pizza together and it was delicious. His oldest daughter also stayed minus her friends and we had a really good time together. We didn't get to explore many things. He workedso much to give everyone what they wanted. We were looking forward to our first real vacation together next month. Everyone in town and towns around the area knew him. He was just a great man. I couldn't believe at times that he wanted forever with me, but he did. I miss him. I miss his touch....

Dover and Luna-Luna is gray and white

I just wanted to make sure. Thank you for reassuring me. Yes our business is named after my ferret Remmie. That's Marcus holding her in my car. She lived for almost 7 yrs which is pretty long for a ferret in the US. I got her when she was a baby and never put her down. Me and my ex had her tested for adrenal disease at that very first sign and she got a lupron shot once a month for 4 yrs i think. She never showed any signs of being sick. She was a happy alert and healthy ferret. So smart too. When her sister Bambie died ithought i was going to loose her. Shestopped eating and was always looking for her. They did everything together for 6 yrs. This past year living with Marcus i had Dover and Luna. Dover was a rescue and up there in a age though never sick. Luna was just a baby. When we had to put Dover to sleep Marcus was the one who brought up bringing his body back for Luna to see. He didn't want his little girl to get depressed even though they weren't close she would miss his presents for sure. It was incredible. She sniffed then circled around him then layed next to him for a minute. Then she ran off to play. Side note-Marcus wasn't really a ferret person, but he loved me and Luna definately stole his heart. She adored him. She seems bored now and i know she misses him too. Marcus also has 4 girls that kept her very busy. All except one loved playing with her. The business was a dream of mine that became our dream. I'm going to get back to our town and make that business work in his honor. Make him proud of me. Teaching must be so rewarding. I always thought i'd be a teacher when i was little, but that takes patiants which i learned i do not always have.

Anne I'm feeling a bit bad reading more about this site. I am young and Marcus died in a car accident. He was driving. Our story is complicated. Tragic yet complicated. I don't want anyone here to think i'm making light of their greif and suffering. I guess my question is-is it ok for me to be here?? I do feel comforted being here and talking with you and Mary and Fae. I just realize our circumstances are a bit different. I am not going to be looking for anyone else and even if someone finds me-i belong to Marcus. I don't care how young i am or how young people say i look. He was it for me. We told eachother that all the time. That no matter what happens between us or to us we were it for eachother. I just want to honor him until i can be with him again. Your puppy is so cute!! Benji is so sweet looking. I am a pet sitter actually. We started our own business before he died. It's called Remmies Companion Care after one of my precious ferrets. She was awesome. She knew her name and was my bestfriend before Marcus found me.

Fae Thank you for sharing some of your beautiful story of your life with Doug. I enjoyed reading about all you did and have in common. I can relate as i'm sure most here can to all you miss about him. I believe in spirits. Marcus didn't care for the word spirits. He perferred the word energy. We were realists, but had conversations about afterlife. He wouls smile and get lost for a second when a monarch? Butterfly would fly near him. He said he knew it was his grandfather looking out for him. I know he believed, but it scared him. The unknown-proof of things.... Thank you again for sharing and know my thoughts are with you. I'm here now and don't plan on leaving this site so anytime you want to talk or just vent i am here and will understand. Kristen

Hi Anne, It's nice to meet you. Not good circumstances, but i thank you for reaching out to me. I was feeling completely alone, but not so much anymore. Things got really overwhelming earlier today and i came here and saw all the lovely messages from people. You, Mary, and Fae have been so wonderful. I am young, but don't feel it. I just feel empty and hopeless. Looking forward even to tomorrow makes me feel like throwing up. When Marcus was alive i thought god it's so not fair that we spent so much of our lives without eachother. He would say we should've met eachother years and years ago. I felt like my life was too short-now-now i disgusted with how much time i feel i'm going to have here. I know that sounds awful, but without him nothing really matters anymore. I just want to get to him. Be with him again.I'm so very sorry about your Jim. Big hug to you. Kristen

I hope you're having a nice lunch with your friend. How nice that she painted a portrait of Bill. That's beautiful. Kristen

Hi Mary I hope you slept well last night. Oddly i did. I was even able to turn the tv off which i was afraid to do. I found peace that was not scary as i thought it would be. Marcus and i didn't watch much tv together. Tried not to use it as back ground noise even when his girls were with us. The silence was calmingwhich i can only believe was because of the comfort i've found here and MM. I don't remember any dreams and i usually do. It was a break i think to not remember for a night. I used to tell him i wish i didn't alays remembered my dreams/nightmares. My left ear was burning as i layed on my back in bed this morning. The day before he died he whispered in my ear "i love you-i choose you" then looked me in the eyes and asked if i heard him. He repeated it all while holding my face and looking into my eyes. I miss him so much. All the things i was ever sad about in the past-all the stupid things i cried over can never compare to the sick aching gut renching pain, sorrow, guilt, and emptiness i feel. He always fixed things for everyone. He just needed someone to help him. He said i was tge only one who could, but i didn't. I love him so much. Not just words-i would die for him. It should've been me who died not him. I should've been able to save him-help him emotionally. He only wanted me-his KJ. He would say "more pease-pease more". I want to be with him more then anything!

Hi Fae, Thank you for the kind messages. I'm so sorry you no longer have Doug in this physical world. The pain at times seems to burn right thru me. There truely feels like no point anymore. I jjust want to be with him. One thing i love besides the lovely people here is that no one has said i will move on and love again. I am young-he was young, but that doesn't mean i have to find another. I don't want anyone, but him. I want to just live in his honor for as long as i have to be here. We both went thru a lot in our other relationships and we were eachothers chance at life-love and true real happiness. I feel like i failed him. I miss him so much! I don't want to be here without him. I hope you are having a nice restful day watching the birdies. Kristen

Thank you for making me smile tonight sleep well Mary. Only good dreams. Talk more tomorrow.

I am in the US. I would like very much to tell you my story. You've been so nice to me. We were very happy at times together. We had and i believe still have an incredible connection. I am 37 and he is 39. He gave wonderful hugs! He made my dreams come true. Mainly finding me and showing me that real complete love does exsist. I don't want to upset anyone, but i guess that's how people feel when talking with me now. I wish they would talk about Marcus. When i mention him they start to talk over me. Even if i cry i want to talk about him. I'm not just another person who knew of him(he knew a lot of people), but knew him. They went all out on the day of the wake and funeral, but what about all tge days after? I will never let him go. He would smile when i said he was my night in shinning armor-my super hero-MM.

I hope you can tap this picture and see it. He surprised me with a hot air balloon ride. It was on my bucket list. He wasn't perfect, but he was really close and by far the most perfect man for me.

It seems impossible to look ahead that far. Even when i think of the morning right now i start to feel sick. The signs some people get give me purpose. I long to connect with Marcus. You must miss Bill so much. I don't mean to make you sad....

By the way i love your picture. It is so sweet! I can't seem to get a picture to fit right to add one, but love yours.

Hi Mary, I was going to respond to you too. I'm really grateful that you responded as well. I'm slow at doing a few things-typing being one of them. Marcus was the out going and computer one. I'm trying though. I do feel as if i am in a fog. I had to move out of our apartment and am at my parents house now. I wanted to stay there, but wasn't on the lease. I am very grateful for my parents, but at the ssme time i don't belong here. I'm 37 and was just getting my life together with Marcus. Our families coming together. I miss him so much. This pain is unbearable at times. I am so sorry for your loss. You are inspiring and i'm so happy for you that you have been able to carry on. It sounds awful, but i don't want to see 3 years. I want him to come and get me. I know people mean well and usually don't know what to say, but that's part of the reason i've stopped talking. I have a friend in Florida and my boss, but that's it really. It was just me and Marcus.

Fae, Thank you for your kind words. It really means a lot to me that you took the time to write to me. I am feeling very alone(not so much anymore)and scared. We had so many plans....when i read "you just need to be" my heart sank-what's left of it. Marcus and i often said we just wanted to "be" ourselves-be in the moment-just be together fully. Thank you. I feel like you sent me a piece of him tonight. I will start my own thread soon. I'm nervous though. No one has really wanted to hear the whole story. At least they don't ask. I feel like i can't share all the wonderful things we experienced together. We had our issues as did most couples, but we were so good together. We were-are soul mates. We both believed that. I look forward to spending more time here. Thank you again.

I would spend it with MM (my Marcus). We would be cuddled up on our couch. Our bodies twisted together fitting so perfectly as they always did. I'd hold him as tight as i could. Kissing him and smelling him. Telling him how much i love him and that i will never let him go. How sorry i am forarguing that night and being a selfish stupid child. Just hold on to him no matter how painful it would be for his body to leave again i want him to know how much i love him and how he was and is special-unlike any other. He has my heart and i know i have his. To have one more day i would give anything!

That was beautiful-your first post. I'm new here and just stumbling around searching for....i'm not sure what. The love of my life died 4-7-13. I am lost. You seem like a very strong woman. I always felt such pain for those who lost their loves and never knew how they continued on. I still don't. I have no desire to go on. Hearing from real people like you helps.