Cakes01

I will check it out now. Thank you Marty.

I understand that some people don't know what to say or how to act toward someone suffering with a huge loss, but for some reason that doesn't ease the pain. I was told by someone who lost their baby and their wife in a car explosion that one of the hardest things was when the phone stopped ringing after the deaths. I didn't know many people before i met Marcus, but the few i did know bearly reached out. I was calling people and going to places where people knew me and Marcus as a couple. It was odd cause he was the people person not me yet i found myself seeking people out. I haven't been talking to anyone really now. People seem fed up almost angry at me cause i talk about him and haven't gotten on my feet yet. I live with my parents and they have been great. Doing the best they can to support me, but i feel that way about them too. I had 2 friends and my boss/friend, but tgey are no where to be found now. He hasn't even been gone for a month! Now i feel angry. Like they don't understand how much we love eachother and how desparately i want nothing more then to be with him again. I haven't told them that so they shouldn't be sick of hearing me say that. I'm just at a loss. Sometimes i get scared that i'm going to forget him. That he was just a sweet dream and now i've woken up to a nightmare without him. It should've been me. I really believe that. Anyone who knows how i feel or have advice for me i'd love to hear from.

Thank you Jan i am going to write this one down and be sure to look for it. I hope you are doing well.

Anne, Did you keep the mug that broke?

Thank you Anne and Marty for the adorable videos! Mary i'm looking forward to Wednesday for you. I hope you were able to get out and enjoy the sun with Bentley.

This is sad. Like your daughter i have never joined FB. Marcus and his girls are on it. I only saw his page a few times. Was just never interested in it. Our tablets are synced so i get his email still. I don't know which one of the girls is using his tablet, but the day someone unsyncs are tablets i'm going to lose what little peace i have found with having this piece of him. That was very smart of you giving your kids that info.

I read this earlier and thought i had left a comment. This made me really angry. I don't think you are wrong Kay for how you feel. I do feel for the family, but seriously-not even a phone call to you in 8 yrs! To me it would feel like they are saying my lose is not as devastating as theirs. I'm sorry you were treated this way

Maylissa, I really appreciate you getting back to me being as busy as you are and also letting me know i shouldn't take it personal. You must have sensed that i would think i said something wrong. Maybe you've just been down this road before by being on and off this site. Either way-thank you It has been extremely painful-the combination of loses. Marcus is my world. We were just melding our worlds together. Sadly i can't see Sadie. She is with his girls who i can't see either. All your information has been very helpful. I'm so sorry about those poor kitties and your heart ache. I'm sure you were meant to be their mom. Life here i believe sometimes screws up what should be Thank you again for all your insight and please stop in and say hi when you get a chance. Let us know how you and your family is doing

Nemo, I understand those feelings. I know i should be grateful and though i am i am more sad and mad. I try to think how Marcus's girls must feel, but that brings me back to-i should be helping them, but can't cause of their mother and i feel even worse. He should be here for them. Why i'm still here i do not know. I don't think it will ever make sense to me. I had one person tell me that when i find "the one" for me i'll know why Marcus died. I wanted ti smack her face and i never hit people. The rage and overwhelming sadness that came over me was so intense. He is "the one" the only one for me. It sounds like a good idea you have about helping out at Hospice. Having ideas are good, but getting the strength to get up and out to do them can seem impossible. Sending you lots of strength and hugs I wish i could touch his face-he used to close his eyes and sigh why i did that. Said my tough centered him. Made things right. Again-lifevis so unfair :(

Kay, I wish you had more time with Pete. Saying life is unfair doesn't make it better or clearer as to why, but it really is! I always pictured myself falling out of the hammock, but god what i wouldn't give to fall out of that hammock with him!

Awe poor Bentley! I hope he was able to get all his frustration out. Animals are such a gift to us humans.

Maylissa, Thank you i love those pictures! Yes that is my sweet Marcus. He didn't know much about ferrets, but was great with them. Luna would sleep on him, follow him around, and would get so excited when he chased her. It made me so happy to watch them together. I miss him so much! He left behind a dog too-Sadie. He loved that dog. The sites are very interesting. I am getting a lot out of them. Do you know anything about wind chimes and the after life? I want to get one made from bamboo and with a red and blue yin yang symbol to honor my tattoo with Marcus. I'm having a hard time finding anything other then white and black yin yangs though. I also believe what Marcus saw and hoping my babies could come threw too. Not threw the wind chimes exactly, but maybe urge them to come? Know anything about that? It is really hard to stop blaming myself for my chinchillas Spritie and Bella dieing and now my Marcus It's so wonderful that you receive those messages! I know what you mean about no knowing you'd carry on without them. I hope to receive a lot more. That's why i want to do everything i can to encourage animal and human spirits to come threw to me. I'm open to any suggestions if you have any for me

Foreve and eve My sweet Marcus!!

This is the tattoo that Marcus and i got last October 20th. Neither of us had ever gotten one and never really planned on getting one. When we found the yin yang symbol and read up on it it was scary how perfectly it described us. He even wrote out this beautiful page all about it and our anniversay on it. We were going to frame it. My half is red with a blue dot and his is blue with a red dot. He wanted mine on my right wrist and his on his left so when we held hands the symbols came together. He also said he always wanted me on his left side so if he needed to he could protect me with his right side since he was right handed. He would brag about our tattoo holding his wrist up saying "one can not exsist without the other". He was a wise and sweet man. A great man. I miss him terribly.

Awe thank you Kay! We did talk about getting married. I feel like our connection is so deep and what we experienced with marraige in our previous relationships-we knew and told eachother we were it for eachother. Marraige papers or not. That was very nice to read though

Kay, Not having time is something i too am upset about. I even get angry. Marcus used to say we should've met years and years ago. Your plans sound very nice. It is so sad and so unfair that you didn't get to carry them out. How long were you together? Not judging just curious. We used to talk about a hammock on a beach by the water as our happy place. Neighbors across the street just put a hammock up in their front yard. I'm surprised that this made me smile and not burst into tears. It's something we both wanted so badly. Next month we were supposed to take our first vacation where we may have found our hammock on the beach by the water. I so wish we had taken that trip.... How has your day been?

Thank you Marty. I am not on facebook, but looks like something that could've been helpful.

Anne, I am liking all the links people leave here. Thank you for another. I will be sure to check it out. I'm feeling more guilt as i haven't been a crying mess yesterday or today. Only when i was in our therapists office retelling the night Marcus died. I think it's because i feel Marcus with me. Hope it's not just pain meds numbing me. How are you feeling today?

Thank you NATS. Your words are very comforting. Marcus was very wise. I never liked when people would make someone who has died into this flawless person so no he was not perfect, but he was perfect for me. He was stubborn at times, but mostly right about things and very in touch with himself-getting there at least and very in touch with me. I have been feeling him with me more often then not the last few days. I don't want to be here on this earth, but for as long as i have to be i will do so in his honor and make him proud. I hope you are a having a nice day Kristen

Mark, I am so sorry for your loss it took me a long time to function after i lost Spritie my chinchilla. She was very cat like-sitting in windows and being cuddly on her terms. Independent i would say though i have learned many cats are extremely affectionate and i do have a great fondness for them. She was my little girl. I was devastated when she taken from me. The guilt i still carry today is still very much there. I felt that need to have even 5 more minutes with her-with all my babies. Now having lost Marcus my need is reignited ten folds! I hope you can connect with Bicky. I am jealous. I wish i could afford to go to a meduim. I wish you the best of luck. As Maylissa said-please keep us informed. I'd love to hear how it goes-if you go.

Maylissa, I started to respond to this and my tablet froze so forgive me if you get a double responce. It has been an extremely difficult and painful time. Connecting with the spirit world is keeping me going at this moment. Luna is a gift. She was a Marcus girl. She loved playing with him and his girls. Sometimes i don't even want to get up or smile, but because of her i do. I spent quite a while last night looking at the video you posted and the links on it. I got right on their mailing lists! I have been getting signs that Marcus is with me and i hope to continue to. I find great comfort in you "giving me permission"to still grieve and be able to receive signs. I had been worried about that. When we had to put Dover to sleep Marcus had tols me he saw a blur run threw the kitchen on the floor. He believed it was Remmie my other ferret who Dover was close to and we named our business after. She was coming to get Dover. Thank you again for the info. I hope you are well. Dover Marcus and Remmie Marcus and Luna

Maylissa, Thank you thank you thank you for this video! I have never had good timing, but apparently you do. I have had many animals as companions and death has always been so difficult for me to process. Plus recently i lost my sweet Marcus (man of my dreams) so i have been trying to learn more about connecting with spirit energy. Marcus didn't like the word spirit so i just put the 2 together. I had 2 chinchillas and 5 ferrets. Right now i only have my little Luna. She was Marcus's girl. I am rambling. I apologize i'm just excited about your post. Thank you so much for this!

Mary, Is there such a thing as too much art? I can only imagine how frustrating it can be to deal with people when they don't just do what they say they're going to do or be paid for. I bet you'll feel so good when it's all done. How is Bentley doing?

Many gentle hugs to you Shannon