Cakes01

Tomorrow will be only one month since my Marcus died yet i feel that people want me to just get over it. With that i watch while everyone just goes on with their lives. It hurts even though it's natural. Unreasonable or not i want to just scream "how can you just go on like nothing has happened!" Was it difficult for you?

Fae You were right-very helpful for me as well. I do agree with you on all parts. Especially the part about having it take some time. It is good to feel all the emotions even if they are ones of anger and resentment and such. We are human after all and many of us here i think at least have every right to have those feelings. Holding on to them though is another thing. Something not useful or healthy. As you said and i've heard from Kay as well-it's their problem not ours. Thank you for sharing. Perfect timing for me i hope it made you feel good as well to share.

Oh i know she knows they are mine. It makes me sick. Everyone who came into contact with her told me that they knew what they were dealing with within the first 5 minutes. They said she was just disgusting-grabbing everything throwing it all in garbage bags. She even had his jewelery laid out on the kitchen counter and standing over it! She's all about herself and she uses the girls. I thought about going after her for my stuff, but then what would the girls think? They know what was mine, but still i don't want to ruin a chance to have a relationship with them. Seeing their 2 smiling faces while we talked was such a gift! I did ask my mother if she wanted to try to get the tv it was $2,000 after all. She said "no don't bother. Let her have it. She can shove it up her ass". I hate that she went threw all our stuff and took what she want. Selfish! As for the cards and letters my guess is that she threw them away when she found them. I don't know why she would want to keep them. I can't believe she's having another baby and with a guy from Marcus's fire company. Oh sorry - i mean HER fire company. Turns my stomach.

I didn't go to sleep till 4 in the morning. I got stuck on all the things Jen took that were mine before i even met Marcus and somethings i bought and made for him. I just couldn't let that sick feeling go. I know they are just things and as my mother said "every THING can be replaced" i just felt defensive because my parents bought the things Jen took-tv, ceramic and glass dishes, candles and then letters and cards that Marcus wrote to me! I have brought myself back and know that with his girls getting in touch me these things are just that-THINGS and if Jen wants to live in her fairytale world-whatever. That's on her. Thank you Kay How is it that a simple thing like taking a shower seem so impossible? I miss him-miss his body his touch so much!

Yeah sleep isn't happening. I had to read your site. I hope you don't think this too forward of me, but i couldn't help, but shed a few tears for you and your family. My heart goes out to you.

I just checked out your site real quick. I wanted to tell you that you did an absolute lovely job. Very pretty and comforting. I will take more time looking at it after i get some sleep. Thank you for making that site available.

Maria, What a beautiful idea. So giving and thoughtful. I'm so sorry for your loss of your precious daughter. This is a wonderful idea and sure it will be of help to many as i hope it has been for you and your family. Kristen

Jan, I'm sorry i just saw this when i went to your page. Big hugs to you. I too hope you are sound asleep having good dreams of your beloved Pete. I will toast to you both with a glass of wine. Just one You are in my thoughts. Kristen

Mary, I'm sorry things have hit you all at once i hope you are resting and enjoying those books. I loved the Velveteen Rabbit! My grandfather gave me a copy when i was 10 or 11. The cover had velvet on it and the pictures were all glossy, but it was the story i loved reading. It's a great idea reading books that bring you back to a place that makes you happy-watching movies too. Big hugs to you.

Thank you so much Mary! I was feeling a bit--unsure as to what i was feeling-what i should feel. His daughter still has me added on google and just liked another one of my pictures i feel very blessed! Blessed Marcus sent me such a gift and that i have all of you here supporting me. Sincerely-thank you all!! A big hug to each of you

Fae, I think it was a wonderful gift too, but as you can see from what i just wrote to Mary it was somewhat short lived I agree with you about carrying around anger or resentment for people. It's not healthy for you. Sometimes it can be really hard to forgive though so i still think it's wonderful tgat you can

Thank you Mary. Marcus was always quick to respond. Unfortunely the "happy" feeling was somewhat short lived. Jen sent me a text saying "haven't you done enough damage to my family. Do not contact my children again". I told her i didn't do this. It was a horrific accident and we are all grieving for him. I also told her i have respected that they are her children and will not reach out. I wanted to tell her earlier that i will be there for them if they ever need to talk though. She hasn't responded. I fear she may slap me with a restraining order. The only thing that i'm holding onto is that 2 of them aren't mad at me and that i have this place to talk. I'm not sure how to feel now. Still grateful Marcus sent me his girls, but over all i feel....lost and miss Marcus so much!

Fae, I am so sorry about what you and Doug had to go thru and from family too. Yesterday i was where you were with sorting threw things. Fortunately or not so fortunately Jen took everything of Marcus's so i didn't have much personal stuff to go threw. Sometimes the word family should not be used because some just don't honor it the way it should be. This was Doug's family? People he and you both trusted? That to me is just disgusting. I think it's wonderful that you are in a better place with things. Still makes you wonder what makes people do cruel things.

Oh my god!!! Big news! The best thing aside from Marcus coming back has happened! I am so excited and relieved. Just dare i say-happy! One of Marcus's girls video chatted me just a few minutes ago. Right after i asked Marcus in our journal what i should do. "Should i reach out to the girls, write Jen a letter? What!?" I started to write Jen a letter again and got a strange alert sound and it was one of the girls. 2 of them actually. They aren't mad at me and are going to stay in touch. I can't express how relieved i am. I miss them so much and told them so. Thank you Marcus for the precious gift of your girls!! Thank you!! So....i no longer have to write a letter to Jen. Another huge thank you to Marcus and to everyone here for being here for me. I'm sure more is to come, but i hope only good and i really hope i am able to stay in touch with the girls.

I really do admire your strength Kay! So because all of you have been so supportive i feel comfortable enough to tell the rest of my story. Thank you all for that priceless gift I left off when i woke up in the hospital. The accident happened at 145am on a Sunday. I woke up on Tuesday and was released Wednesday. My parents went to our apartment Monday night to get Luna-my ferret. They couldn't get in so they called a locksmith. Jen his wife heard and speed over with 2 trucks saying she thought my parents were going to clean out the apartment. They only wanted Luna. She was alone for days. They had the door proped open and anything could've happen to her. Jen started bagging all of OUR stuff in garbage bags. My parents weren't prepared to move me and they live 45min away. Never having met this woman i can only imagine how difficult this was for them. They took what they could. When i got out of the hospital i went back. Everything was still there. I took a few things, but thought i had more time and would be back again. Sitting in the kitchen with my parents was utterly earth shatteringly difficult. I wanted to stay home in our home and all my parents keep saying was this wasn't my home anymore. I was only on the form for the office not on the lease. I should've taken so much more then i did. Then again i should've told Marcus i didn't want to go that night! I hate myself for not going with my first instincts. I tried to be respectful of his girls by leaving things for them to have. I did take his mug, pen, pillow he loved, under shirts, and our pillows from our bed. I sat back and waited to hear from the landlord who knew me and Marcus as a couple. A loving couple. She took weeks. I wanted to go in first and could've, but didn't. She "allowed" me 10minutes to see him between viewings at the funeral. Even then i was rushed out. I heard there was a 2 hr wait to see him. Everyone liked him. I can't say they respected him though. Lots of people in the fire department moved on with other people and in his family as well, but when HE finally had a chance to be happy where was everybody!!?? Surrounding Jen that's where! HIS whole family and HIS fire department all supported her! He never left his girls and busted his ass to give her money to pay bills she never did. Oh but her hair and nails always looked perfect. Sorry i know she had a history and the girls with her, but she really did treat him badly. So....i didn't go to the funeral. By the way-he hated tight spaces and never wanted to be buried or for his girls to see him in a box. So what did she do? Yup just what he didn't want. I finally was told i could go to the apartment yesterday-by the landlord. Jen said she would call me and i was hoping she would, but she didn't. I went by myself to what was once our home. It was empty. Few garbage bags in the living room. She took EVERYTHING. Things that were mine. Even a tv that my parents bought and my mother told Jen she payed for it. It of course is not all about things, but they are all i have of him too. She has always been all about herself. She kept saying "for her girls" she's so full of it. She even called him nothing, but a paycheck while they were together! Now this morning one of the girls posted a comment on a picture of my ferret Dover that had to be put to sleep a few months ago. They used to play with him. Her comment was "EW". I know she is grieving for her daddy, but god my stomach just dropped. I know they blame me and mainly because i'm sure Jen does. My therapist thinks i should write Jen a letter telling her everything i want to about being there for the girls if they choose to want to talk to me and respecting her as the mother. I have started a letter a few times today, but could use some help, advice, or anything. I am torn cause part of me thinks the best thing to do is leave them all alone, but i always stepped back and Marcus would tell me to just get in there like it's all normal. I should've went to the funeral. Even just staying in the back. I don't want anyone to think i'm ashamed of us and i know he would want me to be there for his girls. I don't know what to do. I know this is a lot to read. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read it. I am at a loss.

I would like very much to find my place with all of you by the fire. Even in this warm weather i feel cold and alone. To address a few things that were brought up-i am seeing a therapist every Wed and she knew Marcus which helps. I can also call her if i really need to which feels good to know. I have my parents which i am grateful for, but can't break down in front of them and they have their own lives. Other then that - well, now i have all of you. Marcus truly was my everything. I miss him so much. Today was so hard. I have no idea how i moved my stuff from our apartment by myself. I am torn at times at what to think about and how to feel. I just want to focus on the good Marcus and I shared, but that night, the girls, and their mother-what Marcus would want me to do all creep in. He knew almost everyone in 3 towns and everyone loved him. They saw him happy with me yet i feel like the most hated person in the world. Why do i even care? I know i shouldn't. As selfish as it is i just wanted someone to feel for me and all i lost with him. She treated him so badly. I'm just worn out. Tired of trying by waking up each morning to the nightmare that he is dead. I beg him sometimes screaming for him to come get me-find me like he always did. I do believe that it was my fault cause we fought that's why he was so mad. He was more mad then i had ever seen him before. I also believe with all that i am that it should have been me. He should be here for his girls. If he just turned to the right-it would have been. I wish he had.

PUBLIC APOLOGY i am really sorry for getting so upset this morning. I know everyone has their own grief and lives going on. I am so incredibly grateful to all of you for your kind, supportive, and loving words. They truly mean the world to me! I have never been good with groups of people and i guess online is no different. Also i'm sure as you can all understand things have been very stressful and scary. Fae, Anne, Marty, Mary, Katpilot, and Kay from the biggest piece of my broken heart-thank you all! I was going to come back and send you all one last message. I don't want to go though. I was just so upset and alone. I overracted. I am sorry. Thank you for making me feel not so alone

I understand why people here don't want to talk to me now. I thank you Fae for being kind. I may have written this to seem with ease, but it was a long road and no one was innocent. His wife had gotten pregnant by another firefighter and my ex had had a girlfriend. I don't say this to bash anyone, but Marcus and i are not bad people. We found true love and deserved to be happy just as our exes are now. I am not ashamed of our love and all we share. I never was and never will be! I didn't write this to offend or upset anyone. I wroye it because i needed to tell my story and thought this was a safe place "wothout judgement". I guess i was wrong. Won't be the first or last. I won't be sharing here anymore. I wish you all the best. I thank all of you for your kind and loving words--before you heard my story that is. For as long as i have to be here i will live in honor of MM.

Anne Took me long enough, but i found what you posted. I'm glad your numbers weren't worse and i pray that you reach that goal of not having to go back for a month. Hugs to you and Benji

Thank you all for having let me tell my story. Well the one that brought me here at least. I refuse to let that night define who we were/are to eachother. Thanks again and for all your support.

Kay, I know i won't forget him. Just sometimes it feels like it's been ages since we've been together. He hasn't even been gone for a month. I just miss him so much. Your sister sounds like how my mother was. I'm grateful that she isn't that way right now. They have been very supportive, but as you know no one can take the place of George or Marcus. That client i talked about-she had said "when you find the right one for you you will know why Marcus died". We were texting about dog walking visits and she asked me if i had any male friends to keep me company. Are you kidding me!? Marcus would hate that and i have no desire to be around any men. I tried to be nice, but clear that for as long as i have to be alive i will live in honor of Marcus. She changed the topic which i was relieved with cause i could tell her next step was to try to set me up with someone. I would be done at that point. I too hope your sister never losses her husband either. Even though we know they mean well it can be frustrating when people just don't get it. I'm glad you were able to stand your ground and do what is best for you. Lots of hugs to you

Fae, That's how i feel-like i'm in a fog. People who i thought would be annoying me with calls of concern are no where to be found. I am angry cause i don't feel like they ever understood how very much in love were are. I know it's what i believe that matters, but as we know it helps to have others especially those you think care acknowlege that love and the loss. I have been trying to find places online for support with a sudden death, but haven't had much luck. There are groups my therapist told me about. Not sure if i'm going to check it out though. They're at the hospital where Marcus was a paramedic. Nothing feels right without him. I went to the store and when i realized my cart was full of stuff Marcus would like i started crying. Other then that and therapy and meeting with my lawyer i don't like or want to go anywhere. I just ache for him. It's hard to even concider taking care of myself. He always took such good care of me and now that his body is not here i think-why bother? I have found some peace in ADC. I believe Marcus has been sending me signs everyday that he is with me. I think i'm getting a bit consumed with reading up on it and how to connect better, but i'm good with it as long as i can have him in some form. Thank you for your kind and loving prayers i hope you are well and are having peaceful night sleeps.

Awe that's such a nice idea! Could you post pictures of some of your work when you're done? I'd love to see the dish. I want to make a wind chime with some of Marcus's things, but don't have too many items as of yet. Also not sure how to make a wind chime. Guess i can google it. The weather here is very nice. I went to see my lawyer today which put my mind a bit at ease. I used to love to go for walks. Marcus did too. We went hiking a few times. I haven't gone for a walk yet on my own. I went to get a few items at a small store yesterday, but started crying while i was in there. Found myself filling my basket with things Marcus would like i am showering regularly now-i know gross, but i also know i don't have to explain to anyone here how those everyday things can seem impossible at times. At least i'm doing that. How are you doing? How are you feeling? How's Benji doing?

I'm with Mary totally offensive. Good for you for sticking with your dog. Animals are awesome

My deepest apologies Kay. I'm all over the place these days. I'm truly sorry as i know how important our loved ones names are.