boogieman

Excellent ideas Mary. Ones that I had not considered. For me the loneliness is unbearable. I will give this the due consideration it deserves. Having a real reason to get out may be just the thing. I really don't care for people in general, but cultivated the workings of the interactions during my 50+ years of contracting and dealing with people. I do know how. Ironically, my "small town" is a suburb of Dallas. There are only 260,000+ folks in this small town! In a side story, years ago I looked at a house right across the street from ours for My Paula's mother. A few days later My Paula's mother came into town to look at the house. I explained to her all the good and bad issues I found and she bought the house, negotiating a very good price based on my assessment. The realtor commented that I could do very well in real estate due to my extensive knowledge. I very nicely told her "Thank you", but there was one small problem. She asked what that might be. "I really don't like people very much" I replied. With a puzzled look on her face she says, "Well, you are right. That might be a problem" I don't think she ever "got" the joke. My Paula thought it was very funny indeed. So did my mother-in-law. She still lives across the street.

Despite my prior musings I find myself here at exactly 3:00 am on the mourning of the 16th. Not a misspelling of that word either. I had almost managed to get comfortable and to sleep when I felt the ragged jolt of that lightening bolt of death as it shot through my heart, again, at this most profound and life changing moment. Once again I reel in shock and stunned disarray at the mind numbing events unfolding before me. I knew to the very core of my being that when the time came for one of us to care for the other at the end, it would be she caring for me. I was prepared for that. We planned for that. Now the jagged lance of reality has ripped through me yet again, tearing my flesh and soul with no regard for the so carefully laid plans we shared. The last 3 years together have brought us to a higher level of closeness and companionship I never dreamed possible. I was prepared, willing, and able to care for My Paula until my final breath. We were cheated of that in a most unkindly manner. To lose her battle after such a long, valiant, and agonizing effort , to see My Paula in such pain and constant torture, is more than I can bear. I know My Paula has escaped that which so completely shattered the serenity so richly deserved. No more deserving person lived than My Paula. Now, having to re-live those final moments, hours, days, weeks, and months brings me to my knees again. The turmoil and outright rage wells up inside me again. The realization of the totality of her, our, loss having yet to be fully accepted and understood. The complete and utter shattering of our lives matters not. This is the ultimate price to pay for having loved so greatly. And oh how greatly we lived and loved. My Paula was my world and I hers. Together we faced any and all obstacles with unity and purpose. Together we were unbeatable, unstoppable. I cherished and adored My Paula to the absolute best of my ability with every ounce of energy I could muster, only to fall short and fail her in her time of greatest need. So helpless to do anything but be there with her as she faced her final moments. All of her hopes and dreams swept away so carelessly and indiscriminately. I learned just today that our grandson John-Paul and his wife are expecting their first child in about eight months. My Paula won't be able to hold or love that baby. And loving her family was My Paula's special talent. She lived and loved to care for and nurture her family. Now she is denied that simple pleasure forever. The cruelty and injustice glaring in the afterglow of one so dear and special to us all. Rest easy my dear. You have deserved and earned your rewards for a life so greatly lived in service to others. I shall never forget the short time we had together. I pray that I may join you soon. You changed my life by allowing me to be part of yours. "Good night Sweetie. I Love You" "Good Night Dear. I Love You Too"

Thank you Mary for your support. Good to hear from you, too, Marty. I always read your links and appreciate your in-put. Anne, so sorry to hear of your medical issues. I understand. Praying for you. Jan, Fae, KayC, don't know what I would do without your insights and support. Thank you Ladies. I guess that somehow we all eventually find some sort of pathway or blaze a trail through the mind-numbing reality of loss of "the love our lives". I am finding that after my repeated plunges into the depths of despair, the recovery period is shortened ever so slightly each time. And "divine intervention" is at work also. Feeling so very low yesterday I was pleasantly surprised to hear that in addition to Emily coming over, Greg and Bobbie were coming too. Bobbie brought dinner for us all. Greg and I worked on my/our old car. We visited, ate, talked and communed with each other. Bobbie baked a cake for us. Cake, coffee, and family. What a powerful combination. Through their efforts I was able to lift myself from the depths of despair and have a great much needed visit with family. So very comforting for me. They stayed until about 9:15 before heading off home. Finally feeling relaxed and tired I fell asleep in my recliner. Finally went to bed at 11:30. Sleeping well until 3:22 am when I hear the doorbell. Of course it was My Paula giving her acknowledgement to the fact that she loves me, and is happy that I was, at least for a short time, resting, at peace, and content. I slept until 11:45 today. Cool rainy weather headed our way so I am still relaxed looking forward to the change. I find the coolness and rain so very relaxing and soothing. Long and short of all this is I seem to be slightly more capable of dealing with the situation now. Not greatly, but acceptably. I know My Paula is hurting for me like I am. I am trying so hard to get to a place where she will be happy for me. And a place where I can begin to function again. My philosophy in life is this: A person can act in a situation, or re-act after the fact. I choose to act, have a little control and influence about matters. Having to re-act means things have gotten out of control and someone/something else has the upper-hand. I am trying to get back to that place of action, not re-action. In retrospect, I think that that is one of the traits in me that My Paula appreciated. For our mutual sakes, I/we always tried to stay ahead of the turmoil that life can be. And I was so very proud to be able to please her in that regard. She looked to me as the head-of-the-family and expected me to act accordingly. I did my best and she loved me greatly in return. I need to get back to that place again. For My Paula's sake, and my peace of mind. At 3:00am tomorrow morning My Paula will have been gone exactly 6 months. I know I will be beat-down by that fact again. Somehow, for My Paula's sake, I need to find the strength to be the person I know she wants me to be. I need to be strong for her as I know it pleases her so. And pleasing My Paula has been exactly what my life has been about for these 35+ years. I want/need her to be proud of me.

As usual, here I am alone pounding away on this keyboard because I can't sleep . Dreams and haunting memories of this 6 months past keep me awake. I am so utterly alone and wracked with loneliness without My Paula. Life for me has ground to a halt. Despite the encouragement from my counselor, I have yet to find a means to co-exist with the fact that My Paula is gone. I am at my wits ends. I crave the companionship we so carefully and joyfully found in each other alone. I am not adjusting at all to being without her. I truly believe I never will. Possibly by choice, possibly not. Either way I realize I can't go on like this. Not eating, not sleeping, not living, not enjoying a single aspect of my current life. All the encouragement and support, or lack thereof, aren't doing it for me. Living this solitary life is too hard for me. I'm not equipped or able to go it alone. Apparently all of you are stronger than I. Many of you have managed, somehow, for years. I wish I were so strong. I am falling apart, little by little, after just 6 months. I find that even the slightest issue upsets me greatly. Things almost so insignificant as to be trivial throw me into headlong frustration. And it shouldn't be that way. And I have no control over it. I look within to resolve these with myself but I find only more questions and subsequent frustration due to a lack of ability to understand and accept what has happened. I have to depend and rely on others for the issue resolving perspectives that came so easily to My Paula. And frankly, no one has those powers. Not to my level of experiences with My Paula. I look around and find no one there, seemingly abandoned by all. Even our children, one of my brothers, and My Paula's family, are pulling back and separating themselves from me. Natural I guess. I don't know. Looks like my struggle and subsequent state of mind are too intense for them all to deal with. As the old song says... " One is the loneliest Number".

Have been away for a few days, still trying to sort things out. Resignation indeed. Resigned to the fact as I see them. I am going to be alone. I am going to be without My Paula. I am going to be lonely. I have to resign myself to these harsh realities. What other choice is there? My brother, in his own way, only wants me to become more of who and what I was before My Paula passed. I can't fault him for that. The children are going on with their lives. I can't blame them for that, either. They do care, I know. They just don't/can't see that that person is gone, forever. What is left is the mere shell of who/what I once was. It is even harder for me to accept. I don't like who I am right now either. The counselor and I agreed that possibly the best compromise, at least for me, is to learn how to co-exist with the reality of now. I can't change it, I have no power to control it, I have no means of even influencing it. It is what it is and I must learn to co-exist with it or succumb to its control over me. Somewhere there is a balance that must be found. So this struggle will go on. I have no idea where this will lead me or what might happen in that regard. I pray for the strength to do so. As I surmised, from this point forward the counselor has to curtail our sessions to once monthly. Schedule, commitments, obligations, insurance, whatever, that is the reality. So just another factor in learning how to co-exist with another aspect of this life. By the way, 6 months ago right now, My Paula and I were struggling so greatly with the lack of effectiveness of her pain meds. She was in so much pain and I could do nothing to help. In about 7 hours from now we will decide to admit her to the hospital. The children and families will be called. The ambulance will be requested. We spend our last hours at home together with My Paula in more pain and agony than I can possibly imagine. She drifts into and out of consciousness. I try so hard to comfort her, to tend to her, to love her back from where we both know the situation leads. I try so hard to be strong for her. I do my best but it isn't good enough. Once again, I offer my life to GOD for hers. From this point forward until the 19th, when we had My Paula's service, are without a doubt the hardest days of my life. And for some reason, being 6 months, there seems to be some sort of significant connotation attached. Don't ask me what, just something different and ominous. No doubt I will not sleep again tonight. How could I possibly, given the memories and horrible visions seared into my brain. "Good Night, Dear. I Love You" Hard times my friends.

I have been away from the computer for almost a week trying to gain a new perspective on life. I have to admit and report a failure to do so. I found a modicum of distraction but succumbed to reality again tonight. I realize the futility of looking outside myself for any meaningful resolution. This week one of my brothers rebuked me for not "getting on with life" , and he an ordained minister. I tried to answer that call but my efforts there were short-lived, as usual. I tried repeatedly to have some sort of contact with family that fell on deaf unresponsive ears. Even offers to treat them to dinners failed to illicit a positive response. I can't even bribe them to come over, even for a short visit. I begin to accept just how utterly alone and lonely my life is and most likely will remain. With the one exception of my good friend Nick, I haven't seen or talked to a single person since Monday. He has been there to support me every step of the way. I ask myself what is so different now that makes family so reluctant to be associated with me? Of course the only answer is that My Paula, Momz, Mamaw, is not here. Am I so unpleasant enough now that they all don't want to be around me? I know I am not the same person anymore. What is there about me now that drives everyone away? Sadness? Loneliness? Neediness? I know My Paula was the focal point of the family. Her easy style, grace, and charms, were pleasant and pleasing to everyone. We all miss her so. Why can't the family realize how deeply I miss her based on their missing her? My lonely life is at least a magnitude greater, or lesser depending on your understanding of the term, than theirs. Personally I know I am so much less now than with My Paula. Even more-so than I initially anticipated. I try to rise above this but can't manage to do so. And having to try in futility, alone, only adds to my disappointment. I imaging I will be up all night again tonight. All this weighs so heavily on me. I'm being crushed by the enormity of it all. The counselor is coming tomorrow afternoon. Based on what she said today by phone leads me to believe her visits may soon be ending. So be it. If I am to be so completely alone from this point forward, I want to start being completely alone, NOW! How this may unfold I don't know, but I must get on with it to find out.

Sorry you are having hard days too, Jan. I truly understand. Good morning. Somehow I have managed to get some sleep, not a lot of rest, the last two nights. Probably from sheer exhaustion, but I'll take what I get. Two 6 hour consecutive nights is a rarity for me. And the hot muggy weather is finally changing, at least for a short while, here today. At least on the surface there is possibly something positive to anticipate. Greg and Bobbie say they will be by later today. Emily is busy with her real estate doings. Proud of and pleased for them all. Their lives are rich and fulfilling. I had my turn with My Paula. Now I must retire from the active, loving, caring, sharing, 35 year personal, physical relationship phase of my life with My Paula. Like the rest of you, I will lament this loss for the remainder of my days; coloring, changing, and influencing all that I do through that filter. Feeling somewhat philosophical this morning. Maybe there is something out there for me. But that's just today. Now possibly having the time to consider my personal endeavors exclusively, I feel somewhat guilty considering doing so. I can only assume this is "normal" too, if such a condition really exists. These, and other issues, weigh heavily on me.

Good morning my friends. Napped off and on all yesterday afternoon. I fell asleep in my recliner after eating a bite last night. Don't even recall heading to bed last night. Slept extremely hard and woke about 6:00 am with a throbbing headache and sinus issues. Going to be another hot and muggy day here. Hopefully cooler tomorrow. Having lots of time to think upon this dire situation I have come to a few conclusions. I miss My Paula so greatly it affects every aspect of my existence. Continually on the verge of breaking down has basically paralyzed me from any enjoyment from life. How can there be any happiness when everything around me has been destroyed? I can't even look forward to the day ahead, much less tomorrow. Living so close to the edge is tentative at best. My lack of sleep and no rest, no escape from this torture leaves me so very tired and uncertain about anything. I hate to have to start each and every day like this knowing it will probably only get worse. Certainly not improve by any standards. At times like this I realize just how much I relied on, turned to, and now need My Paula. She was the glue that held us together. The reason for my/our existence. Without her nothing fits anymore. Nothing holds any allure for me. I only have another lonely, sad, day to anticipate. I know she cares. I know she wants only the best for me. I also know she is not here to give me the strength and drive to implement anything to help improve this hell of an existence. I can't and don't want to be so very alone and lonely without My Paula. I miss My Paula with every breath I take and every fiber of my being.

A pleasure to meet you, Karen. Apparently we, like so many others here, are kindred spirits. I find sleep so very elusive due to missing My Paula so deeply. I think of her, dwell on her, miss her so very greatly. My Paula and I had very few close friends. We devoted our time and energies to each other. Both of us coming from disastrous backgrounds, we knew the meaning and inherent bliss in focusing solely on each other. We didn't need outside influences to find and hold on to the happiness we both so deeply craved. And we found that happiness in each other. We created our own private world and basically excluded everyone else. Now that I am so very alone I find my strength and resolve at an unbearably low point. My Paula was my world, my strength, my everything. Now my world is gone too. I find no joy in any endeavor I might consider. There is simply nothing left here for me. So I go through the motions of living, but not living at all, just existing. To my knowledge there are no such local peer groups. I will check with my counselor if and when she comes back. I am a very private person, too. The very thought of baring myself to strangers I find intimidating indeed. But I will check none-the-less. Good morning Kayce. So sorry to hear of your employment issues. Regarding the Trazadone, I have not followed-up on that yet. I have no doubt, coming from Mary, that it is probably safe and effective. I am so fanatically averse to prescription drugs I have a very hard time starting down that road, effective and necessary as they may be. But that's just me. If this situation doesn't improve I may need to do something, soon. Just finished watching a very good emotional relationship movie that made me realize something. I am so very afraid of being alone. Having what My Paula and I shared, remembering our separate yet similar years of torture and torment in the years prior to 1978, I have no doubt I am not strong enough to carry on like this too very much longer. I see myself, now, as succumbing to a lonely heart and just giving up from being alone. I have absolutely no drive or desire to wage this battle with loneliness for any conceivable length of time. Tragically, My Paula is gone. I am alone and so very lonely. I Love My Paula today as we did 35 years ago. There is no way for me to continue without her love, attention, and affection. So in-the-mean-time, I come here to express myself. Thankfully there are a few who will listen.

It comes as no surprise that it's going on 4:00 am and here I am! Got almost 2 hours sleep tonight. I am thrilled! Short of pharmaceuticals I give up. I'll just stay awake until I drop every day or night as the case may be. Who needs sleep? I know I won't/can't rest until I am with My Paula. I can't sleep alone. As to pets, I can barely care for myself! My Paula always said I was the "pet" in the house. Damn I miss her.

I want to say less but probably about the same. In the years from 2009 when My Paula's health started deteriorating thru this past April they tapered off some, so hard to recall exactly. I really didn't take note because My Paula and I were so completely taken with each other. Again, so hard to say as they lived out of state parts of those years. All I know for sure is they were close for the end and very attentive for about 3-4 months. Now things have normalized, I guess you would say.

Thank you ladies. Never knowing how any day may go I find unsettling. Last night I slept from sometime before 2:00 am until almost 9:00am. Feeling somewhat rested. I might even tackle a few of the mundane chores that are piling up around here. No promises. Greg, Bobbie, Emily, and Chrissie all came by Monday evening for a short visit. No contact at all the prior week, none since, but I did see them for a few hours Monday. Don't expect to hear from or see them the rest of the week. This forced exile certainly is hard to cope with. I'm doing my best but failing miserably.

Thanks Mary. without sounding dismissive , I do go lay down between 10:30 - 11:00 pm almost nightly. I try to relax, think of better days, find something relaxing to watch on TV, especially old movies, but find myself still awake approaching dawn almost daily. Today I managed to get a nap from about 7:45 until about 9:00 am. Looks like I need to try harder. Ironic, try harder to relax. If you had that magic wand I certainly would be asking to borrow it! Maybe I'll find a nap sometime later today.

This situation has gotten absolutely preposterous. It is 3 :45 am or there about and I am still awake, again, unable to sleep. Being lonely is one thing, but lonely and unable to escape, even for a little while to sleep? Oh my dear God, what sort of Hell is this becoming? What has it become?

It seems that sleep and I are on the outs, as it were. I have tried, and am trying, most of the suggestions. Cutting caffeine (never ingested much anyway), sleeping on My Paula's side of the bed, music playing softly, finding a very boring movie, lights out, imagery, soothing thoughts, thinking of happier times, a glass of milk just before lights-out, reading, etc. So far not much success. Seems I have to drive myself to exhaustion before I can get to sleep. I toss and turn while sleeping so I don't think earbuds and the chord attached are a solution. Thank you Marty for keeping this forum on-going. I read your list of suggestions, most of which I have, or am implementing, to try to get some sleep. I have given the matter of lack of contact with the family some long and serious thought. In this society that eschews taking care of the elderly, there is a dis-connect between responsibility and actions. I don't feel good about calling them repeatedly as my calls often interfere with their established plans. That makes me feel worse for interrupting them. I say, where is their responsibility in contacting me, and their promise to My Paula to look-out for and take care of me? I choose to not be a burden on them if I have to force myself on them or into their lives. I have no doubt they love and are concerned for me. I need to see that concern displayed in actions. I haven't heard from any of them for a week now. The utter loneliness is too much to bear. My mother is 84 and lives alone. I at least talk to her once a week, if not more. On top of that my gums are still sore and tender, my jaw is still numb but with a burning sensation, the Tinnitus is worsening, and I can't sleep enough to rest. Thank you Mary for your kind thoughts concerning My Paula. I have no doubt the two of you would have been friends. My Paula was, for the most part, shy and retiring. She never cared for the spotlight, instead preferred the supporting roll. She saw her roll in life as the behind-the-scenes implementer, letting others take the spotlight while she sat back quietly and basked in others successes. Even then, not wanting to take any credit for others success. A more giving, caring, loving soul is so rare. And I was the one she allowed to share that with on a daily basis. Oh how I miss My Paula. Our older children are mine from a previous marriage. We had just the one son together. Never once did My Paula ever make even the slightest differentiation between them. She adopted the older two as her own, just as they both adopted her as MOMZ. What a beautiful relationship to see establish itself, to grow into the cohesive family we almost instantly became. And to see My Paula blossom into the roll of MOMZ. She absolutely LOVED being the person she so quickly became. I saw it on her face, in her voice, in her actions, her pride obviously evident in the task she so eagerly and gladly undertook. And she was so very good at it. I do not expect to hear from the children today either. Life has taken them with it's demands and to-do. I have to learn to accept that which I have no control over. How's that for philosophy on a Monday morning?

Well it's 2:45 am on Monday morning. Can't sleep again. Haven't heard from My Paula for 10 days until just now. Opening the front door I was greeted by 60* cool air. What a very pleasant surprise. Guess she wanted me to know how nice it is outside as I haven't left the house in several days. Thank you Dear. I Love You Too.

Thanks Mary. Thought I did something wrong. 4 hours sleep in 4 days isn't great is it? Found myself possibly hallucinating early this morning, I think. Try to nap but my mind goes into over-drive every time I try. Oh well. What I'm gonna do bout it? Waited all weekend for the family to contact me without any success. Guess they all had better things to do. I'll get over it eventually.

What happened to the forum? Was hoping to hear from or see family this weekend. Looks like that isn't going to happen at this late hour. Tomorrow makes a full week without seeing anyone. I finally slept about 4 hours last night. Not enough though.

Thank you Kayce. Have been up for 3 days now. Thought I'd check here one more time. I'm on line now. Like they say...no rest for the weary. Not being able to connect left me wondering.

Heartwarming to see and feel the encouragement. Perhaps talking about My Paula can be cathartic. An I do want you who are interested to get to know her better. And Marty, I refer to "My Paula" in that loving manner as she was mine and I hers. I first saw and fell in love with My Paula in the fall of 1974. My then current wife and I belonged to a local van (car based) club. The day that Paula and who we all assumed was her husband , Bob, came to their first meeting I was stunned at her beauty, grace, and warm personality. It was love at first sight for me. She hardly noticed me. I was so taken by her beauty I took 2 pictures of her which I still have to this day. Over the course of the next several months we became more acquainted through social gatherings in the club. I learned that she and Bob were engaged but no wedding date set. In mid summer of '75 they announced their wedding date for that August. Bob asked me to be his "Best Man". How could I say no given my even stronger attraction to Paula. The wedding took place as we continued to visit socially, me adoring her from afar, hoping no one could tell of my deep respect and admiration for her. She never found out until years later, but that's another story. Paula and my then wife became friends. As girl-friends do, they told each other almost everything as I later discovered. The back story is that I met and proposed to my future wife in a rebound relationship from the first girl I ever truly loved. She was having great difficulty dealing with her domineering mother. We used each other to escape those circumstances. It was doomed from the very start. I was 20 and still in college. She was17 , living at home, working at Dunkin Donuts about 4 blocks from my Dad's business location. We married in '68, had two beautiful children by '71 and divorced by '72. She left me, filed for divorce and I gladly gave it to her. Seems she was even more unhappy than I was. Two years later in'74 we remarried (I know-I've heard it all before!) for the sake of the children. By '76 things had taken a very nasty turn with physical abuse, knife attacks, and confrontations with her and my loaded gun. She was the aggressor. We used the van club functions as neutral territory in order to survive. It was there that I got the "Boogieman" moniker. (Well it was 1976) Drinking and minor drug use led me to want to party, do anything, but go home. In between the hand-to-hand combat rounds I learned that Bob, Paula's husband, had repeatedly cheated on her, threatened her verbally and physically, even threw her against a dining room wall before pinning her to that wall with the dinning table, and throwing a butcher knife at her sticking in the wall about 6" from her face. She was leaving him as soon as she could afford an attorney. I found out later, after My Paula was My Paula, she married Bob to stop her mother's incessant berating's about living with him but not being married. (Paula's mother comes from a family of religious fundamentalists. Her father was an ordained minister in a church in a small near-by town, too). As my circumstances worsened I began to talk to Paula as a friend. This went on for weeks with nothing physical ever happening. I knew that she had planned to leave Bob, she knew of my plans to leave my wife. We both knew the violence would escalate until someone was seriously injured or worse. One late afternoon in July of ' 78 I called Paula. I asked her what time she got home in the evening. I told her I wanted to see her the next day and she agreed. The next day I was there waiting for her when she arrived. Knowing that unemployed Bob could arrive at any moment I bared my soul to her. Told her that I loved her, was and had been in love with her for years, that I was leaving my wife, knew of her plans to leave Bob, and that I wanted her to come with me so we could start a new life together. To my utter shock she told me of her love for me, and that she would go with me to anywhere we could escape. We kissed for the first time. I was hopeless at that point. Nothing could have changed my mind about the new direction our lives were to take. Bob came home 15 minutes later. "What are you doing here?" I had a job close by and was waiting for traffic to die down before heading across town to my shop. Good enough for him. Over the course of the next several weeks we met twice and by phone finalized our plans. On August 3rd 1978 I asked Bob to meet me at my shop. My wife was asked to come. They had no idea Paula was there. Together we stood hand-in-hand and told them our plans. Expecting the worst possible outcome we were stronger together. We were not going to be denied our chance at happiness. Sometime later Bob left. My wife left. Paula became "My Paula" that instant. I became her knight in shining armor who rode in and saved her from certain harm. My Paula saved me by agreeing to go with me. We left together, never looking back. I know this is long and detailed but important to lay the foundation for what became our 35 year love affair. I know what a special bond we have. Every single day and every single night we expressed that love we so dearly cherished to and with each other. We each placed our hearts, our fortunes, our lives, our very existence, into the hands of the other. I lament that loss daily. Crying as I write this I need to stop for a while. I have been up almost 48 hours without sleep because of my deep sorrow and loneliness without My Paula. Thank you for asking, and listening. P.S. KayC , my brother was joking about not having family gatherings. They will be less than before because My Paula can't be there. And they might even be more than I can bear-up to. Right now I just don't know.

Where to begin. Fae, yours has been one of the reply posts I look forward to reading. I can sense your unique perspective and outlook. I am so sorry to learn of your struggle both emotionally and physically. Despite your own personal difficulties you still reached out to me, a stranger. I know for certain you and My Paula would have been friends had that opportunity presented itself. You are both the same type of person. Always looking out for the needs of others, putting yourself in a position to help others before yourself. In the beginning of my and My Paula's relationship I was sometimes miffed at what I selfishly considered to be her slightly detached attitude towards me in some situations. I found out how wrong I was. At family gatherings for example, where food and good times abounded, we hardly ever sat down together to eat. She was already hours into the kitchen cooking, arranging, preparing, being the hostess, making sure everything was just so for everyone else's benefit. Her joy was to be able to serve others first. She came alive by being the means for everyone else to fully enjoy the gathering. Setting the table, serving the food, getting and keeping the glasses filled, cooking the most wonderful dishes, cleaning up afterwards, and all that that entailed. And she made sure that I had anything and everything I wanted. Only after everyone else was taken care of would she fix herself a plate and sit to enjoy the food. I learned to have a small amount with the family, friends, or guests, and another small serving with her later when she was comfortable enough to take a few minutes for herself. I came to appreciate that aspect of her character greatly. So selfless and willing to be of use in any way possible. The afternoon after My Paula's service, my brother who gave the benediction commented that as a family we might want to consider not having meals together. I asked why, of course. He replied that there were so many dishes that Paula prepared to such a satisfying degree, and that since no else in the family could cook as well, the meals would not be as good. That brought tears to my eyes. I'm crying now just relating this. Knowing I will never have the pleasure of seeing her enjoy herself in the kitchen, or share the delightful meals together, or have the opportunity to complement her on her efforts for my benefit. Pleasing me, and others, pleased her. Especially in the few short years after her diagnosis. As long as she could she served others first. I see in you the same traits, Fae. Perhaps My Paula led me here to meet you. Knowing of your difficulties I want you to know that I appreciate you. Should you reconsider commenting here to my ramblings I will be grateful to hear whatever you might want to add. If I can in any way be of help to you I would consider it an honor to do so. KayC , you have been there, or here, for me the majority of the time. Your kind words and encouragement have seen me through some very difficult moments. Thank you for your caring concern. The other night for dinner I reverted to my childhood and had a Root Beer Float. No quite a smoothie but as close as I had. Not only tasted great but the coldness of it soothed my sore aching gums. Just realized I have been up since about 8:00 am yesterday. No sleep again last night. I certainly wish I could get to a place to have a semi-normal type of live. My Paula rarely made it past 11:00pm and I would go lay down with her every night. It's almost as if she couldn't get to sleep without me being there, which I always was. Now I can't get to sleep without her, with few exceptions. Ironic how all our lives become so entwined with that one special person. So seemingly reliant on her/him for the simple routines of life. Then being forced to acknowledge exactly that when it is taken from us.. Speaking of Blackberries, when I was young my grandmother in Arkansas would make me a blackberry cobbler when the berries were in season. My Paula made hers for me and I know hers were as good, if not better than those made by grandmother . Between my grandmother, my mother, and My Paula I have been fed by 3 of the best cooks I can possibly imagine. I miss My Paula so greatly and will continue to do so. I appreciate you all letting me talk. And I do listen to all that you have to offer. After all, who else knows us better than other like minded souls? I think I need to eat something and look for an afternoon nap. 36 hours without sleep is becoming routine and harder to manage, too.

In response to your post Marty, I fail to see your point. I have listened to and followed-up on the majority of the suggestions. For a number of reasons, which I have delineated before, some are not physically possible for me to implement, some I find don't "work" for me, some I might not fully understand how to implement. Your assertion that I reject most of the the offered suggestions I find curious. I have tried some of the meditation techniques, not all work. I have several books but can't seem to maintain enough focus to garner info from them without continuous re-reading of sections, paragraphs, even sentences. Walking is very difficult due to my creaky old joints and permanent back/spine injuries, pinched nerves, and numbness in my left leg that preclude exercise to any extent. I mean no offense by not following every suggestion to the full extent in the manner they are offered. On the contrary, possibly one or more will offer me the inner peace I so desperately seek. I just don't know. Regarding my doctor's seeming lack of concern regarding meds for my depression I don't have the drive to continue pursuing him. I can only do so much before my will gives out. As to the self aggrandizing pain to prove my love for My Paula I must disagree. I don't want this pain and agony. I want to be able to think of her and our wonderful lives together without it causing the torment it does. I need to have a life I can look forward to, not be held captive completely to the horrible circumstances that took My Paula from me. I need to not be so lonely. I want to be able to function at some level other than in the hazy fog I am surrounded by now. I have yet to stumble upon a means to achieve that despite everyone's generous, and appreciated, suggestions. If sharing my feelings openly is disturbing you or anyone else here, I will reluctantly stop doing so. I have no one else to share my grief with and I assumed, possibly incorrectly, this is that place. You may not know, but my weekly counseling sessions have been put on hold for 3 weeks. From my perspective that is an eternity of not being able to vent my anger, frustrations, bewilderment, and loneliness. I want interactions. I need the contact with others who understand. I know that not talking these issues out will only lead to more of what I already have an over abundance of. And that is time. Slow grinding endless lonely time to dwell on what was. The oral surgeon tells me the tooth that was abscessed lies directly on a major nerve bundle leading to my taste sensory receptors on my tongue. The damage, caused by that abscess and removal of that tooth, may never recover. Only time will tell. Just as I must live with the increasing ringing from Tinnitus, I may have to accept that prognosis also. Our daughter is the source of this information. She has over 20 years experience in the medical field. I know full-well that if a better outcome could be expected she would most certainly tell me so. I appreciate everything everyone has suggested. Please do not be offended if each is not the solution for me. If I have over-stayed my time here, if I have been an uncooperative participant, I humbly apologize. I am doing my best to glean a direction in my life and having an extremely difficult time in the process. I would love to share My Paula with you. I haven't to any greater extent than I have as I assumed this forum was to be about me. Perhaps I have made yet another judgment error. I leave it to the forum and the wonderful people I have been in contact with. I will bow to the majority in honest thanks and appreciation for being with me to this point.

Good morning. As you can see I am forced to face another long hot day in solitude. Was 107* here yesterday. Hard to get out when it is so dangerously hot for me. Maybe that's my answer. Go for a long walk in the heat. Having lived through 3 previous heat stroke related events, the 4th might be my final one. Sad to think that I think in those terms, isn't it. I gave up on my "Doctor" prescribing something safer than Prozac for my depression. Two weeks of calling to get no reply was enough. Not about to start that search again. More trouble than I will deal with again. Maybe a threatened lawsuit for malpractice might give me a windmill to chase. At least I would have something to occupy my time. Kay, I was an avid reader too before My Paula was diagnosed. Now I haven't got enough energy to focus on reading. I have amassed about 125 or so novels that I have no desire or focus to devote to them. The dental surgery has further destroyed my taste sensation. Even now my jaw is sore yet numb and I have a tingly burning sensation constantly. I was warned that this might happen, and of course it did. Besides, I could stand to loose the excess weight. What a price to pay! Cried myself to sleep sometime after 3:30 this morning. Oh sad pitiful me. I hate to have to be so melodramatic, but it is the truth. Collapsing from exhaustion seems to be my only means of getting sleep. Not rest, just sleep. Fae, I am happy that you have a few good days occasionally. Have tried several different techniques for diversion/distractions to no avail. I always come back to the reality of being alone and hurting so deeply for the companionship of My Paula. I have about decided I am a hopeless case and will feel the same no matter what. It's OK. My Paula is worthy of suffering for. The "true love of my life" is gone and I will suffer greatly from her absence for the remainder of my miserable life.

It's 3:15 am . I can't sleep again from the sadness and sorrow that overwhelms me again from missing My Paula so greatly. I am at my wits end not having a clue what to do to live through this, or get over it, or past it, or around it, or whatever. This is all consuming and I have no idea where to turn or who to turn to for release except My Paula. I am so very tired and troubled. I realize I am loosing this battle and I am on the verge of giving up completely. Doing so must be easier than trying so desperately to just hang on and still lose.

My sympathies to you KayC for the lack of contact with your children. I know how much worse-off I would be without mine. No one knows how to deal with any of this, especially me. Besides the hesitancy of our children, I realize I haven't heard much at all from My Paula's sisters and mother in weeks. How is it they forget or move on so easily? Why aren't they all completely wracked with agony as I am? I know there are No answers. I have told the children of my sessions with the counselor, the day and time, etc. What I get in return is "Well, do you need me to be there?" She comes to my house . I guess other distractions and their busy lives, along with the reality, keep them from coming. I don't know, and don't know how to broach the subject without adding potential guilt. Checked earlier today and I have lost another 3 lbs since last week. This all-consuming stress and upheaval in my life has killed my appetite, drive, and desire for anything. There is no joy. Apathy and complacency are the standards I live by. I just don't, and can't, think of anything but the loneliness and sadness without My Paula. Thank you Stephen. As to finding a lighter shade of grey in the doom and gloom, I would settle for even the slightest shade of grey as opposed to the utter blackness I see all around me. This is a struggle and circumstance I know I must face and come-to-terms with on my own. I don't know how much struggle is left in me. Every day is lower and lonelier than the one before. I hope and prey each day is the last one I have to endure. I'll have to wait to see if I see tomorrow. I know time is running out for me. I can't keep going on like this.