boogieman

I still sometimes wonder and feel the stress of trying so hard to come to terms with all this if the huge amount of time and energy required to deal with this really produces any positive results. When I am busy and occupied I make/allow myself to not think of these things. On days like today when the energy level is low, when the batteries need re-charging, when I need to R & R, is the time mostly consumed by the nagging unanswerable nature of my questions. Which even further drains what energy I might have left. What a vicious circle of self-perpetuating enigmas lies there. I need to know for certain that My Paula senses, feels, and knows just how hard I try to adjust to life without her. I need My Paula to know for certain just how deeply I Love her. I need My Paula to know for certain just how greatly I miss her. Uncertainties are keeping me in a state of constant turmoil and stress. More manageable at times but often uncontrolled. Having a hard day and night.

Thank you Ladies. I have heard all this before and was still surprised, unprepared, by the stirrings. Facing that "grief monster" and the sudden onslaught of emotions triggered by who knows what is still, for me, sudden and startling. I imagine I will come to anticipate them with time and, once again, learn to adjust. Good day to you Ladies. Appreciate your support and insights. Chris

Hope all had a great day. Very quickly I want to relate the tumultuous day I faced at my mothers. All went well until late in the day. I was able to interact with the family despite my sorrow and obvious loneliness. I was standing by Mother's fireplace when I happened to look up to a small picture on the wall there. It was an older picture of me and My Paula sitting together, obviously happy and in love. It is one I don't remember seeing before. It so deeply touched me I immediately teared up from missing My Paula so greatly. All the old emotions became unrestrained as I openly wept from the shock of seeing that simple small photo. A very quiet ride home. Fulfilling my duties and obligations, and to honor my Paula, I went across the street to My Paula's mothers to spend some time with them too. After greetings, My Paula's' sister Debbie and I talked privately regarding My Paula.. Welling-up and openly crying yet again I had to return home to be alone with My Paula. I fell asleep in my chair from stress and sheer exhaustion. Now it is midnight and I doubt I will sleep the rest of the night. The emotional roller coaster has re-claimed yet another victim, again. The positive steps made in the last several days wiped out by the lonely reality of all this. Hard my friends. Very hard. Hopefully, tomorrow, I can find the strength and courage to start over again. Chris

Thank you Mary. This is a lesson learned the long hard way. Wishing everyone the Happiest Thanksgiving possible. Chris

Thank you all for your support. Today went equally smooth as yesterday. We got the house finished inside. Daughters help organize and coordinate presents and ease my shopping. Greg and I collected a mountain of leaves from the yard. I actually worked on a tree swing project for grandson Brasen. We enjoyed a meal together. Greg and I did some maintenance work on his truck. After they left by mid-afternoon, I rested and had a well deserved nap. Tonight I actually made the casserole and am quite pleased at the results. Of course it lacks My Paula's extra special touch but I know she is pleased at my efforts none-the-less. I am finding that throwing myself into the midst of what could be so sad and sorrowful has tended, so far, to break-up the rhythm of the potential for self sorrow and allow me to see a more positive aspect at present. The doing for others, my loving family, by allowing them to do for me, seems to be an outlet through which I can reach out and express the ideals My Paula lived by and obviously instilled in me despite my sorrow and loneliness. By doing so I feel she is here watching, enjoying, and pleased with the results. I owe My Paula at least that. As one of my favorite poets, artists, philosopher, visionary once said...."Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans". Or simply, live in the moment and cherish it for what it is. And I am trying so hard to do just that. "Thank You Dear. I Love You Too" Chris

Funny how life serves up the unexpected. I was still awake this morning at 5:30 am. Finally fell asleep. Daughter Emily texted me at 8:30 with pictures of her newly decorated bedroom. How nice of her as it looks great. Went to the grocery for ingredients to try to re-create My Paula's Broccoli Rice casserole for Thursday. I actually felt some sense of relief at doing just that simple task. Some apprehension at the actual cooking, but I'm going to try. Around noon, son Greg announced that he and Bobbie were coming over to visit a while. Grand-daughter Chrissie came by after she got off work too. That turned into an 8 hour marathon of cleaning the house, getting the 25 buckets of Christmas decorations out, setting up and decorating the tree (which is stunningly beautiful), and getting a large portion of the rest of the house ready for Christmas. They are coming back in the morning, and daughter Emily is coming too, to finish everything up for me and the rest of the family. What a good time we had! I was so pleasantly surprised and pleased at the effort they all made to help ease the situation for me. I think it was/is therapeutic for them too. This is so much earlier than My Paula and I ever decorate but I see the special precious Christmas decorations collected over 35 years and it does my heart good. And I know My Paula was here today too, watching over and supervising the project. I know she is pleased at how great the house looks now. So in an unexpected twist, that which I have been not looking forward to has turned into a very special time with our children. This simple gesture and effort I find re-assuring rather than an emotional down-turn. I imagine that will come sometime between now and then, but maybe this experience can help me -us- thoroughly enjoy and be thankful for what we have as we celebrate the holidays with each other and My Paula/Momz. The bye-word here is "cautiously optimistic". Chris

I suffered through another lonely day today. Our daughter Emily came by about 7:30 pm. She wanted me to run to the grocery store with her, so to get out of the house, I went. Then we talked of Christmas, and cooking for Christmas, (My Paula is an excellent cook and Christmas is her favorite time of year) and I broke-down at the mere thought of her not being here this year, and her not in the kitchen cooking for her family, and the wonderful dishes she prepares every year for our enjoyment and her pleasure. I just couldn't take the reality of that and not fall-apart. And it isn't even Thanksgiving yet. And the outstanding dishes only she can prepare to never be tasted and shared again. Then she took us Christmas shopping too. I am so not looking forward to any of this but simply can't/won't dissapoint our children, grand-children, and great-grandchildren. Tears streaming from I eyes now as I can't sleep from thinking of the overwhelming sadness and sorrow that fills most of my waking moments. I try so hard to "be in the moment" but the specter of the upcoming holiday season alone devistates me. The children will do what they can, but eventually, ultimately, this all falls on me to cope with. Me alone and lonely. Chris

All good supportive words. The trick is implementing them. Had a very sad quiet day, alone of course. With all due respect, I feel I must, to some degree, control and stiffle my true emotions around our children for fear they will stop wanting to and making the effort they do to interact with me. That action, propogated by my negativeism, only serves to isolate me even further from those I care most about. A prospect I can not allow. Even today, alone all day, has been almost unbearable for me. I feel on the verge of completely loosing my sanity from the solitude and loneliness. I must maintain that contact with them, even to my own personal detrement if that is what it takes, to not be even more isolated. They understand, just not on the level that torments me. And I certainly don't expect them to fully comprehend the depths of my sorrow, sadness, and loneliness. Regarding our youngest, I intentionally mis-spoke. I did hear from his wife about my lack of caring and concern for "only throwing a lousy $20 bill at them" for his birthday. I was/am too embarassed and ashamed to fully divulge the contemptable attitude contained in that e-mail. I know we are not responsible for their actions but it reflects badly on My Paula and me and the sacrifices we made to raise him as well as we did. I find his attitude towards his Mother completely disrespectful and it hurts me deeply. As to my personal feelings, I am hurt but have much larger issues to deal with. Ironically, he left home after dropping out of College at 20 and is now 31 also. Thank you all. And I did read the suggested material from Marty. So another long day is over and a long night lies ahead. My head hurts. I need to eat a bite today. Chris

Obviously I'm still up at this late hour. Today, being My Paula's birthday was so much harder than I expected. I spent some time with My Paula's mother. We cried together and comforted each other. Spent most of the afternoon with oldest son Greg and his wife Bobbie. We shared the observance of the day. Daughter Emily sent birthday greetings from work. Youngest son is still not talking to me. His birthday was Wednesday and he didn't acknowledge his mother's birthday with me today, or his either for that matter. As hard as I try to be distracted and diverted from the rawness of my inner torment, I find myself leading two separate and distinct lives. One for those around me where I hide and control my emotions so as to not make for a more uncomfortable situation than already exists; and my true inner self that crumbles in shock and still in a state of disbelief that this is the reality of my life. I didn't sleep well last night anticipating how today was going to be emotionally. And not sleeping tonight from the emotional wreck I truly am at missing My Paula so deeply. I seem to have so little peace and even-ness regarding anything anymore. The constant struggle, the never-ending cycles of ups and downs certainly is taking a heavy toll on me emotionally and physically. The ups not so much up. The lows even lower and lonelier than before and staying longer. And the weather has finally gotten more winter like with low clouds, cold rain for 2 days now, temps in the mid 30's, and sleet and possibly snow tomorrow through Monday that keeps me confined inside. Not that I have anywhere to go or anything to do, but being alone in this house without My Paula is so hard for me, especially today, My Paula's birthday. Maybe it is because this is the first one. I don't know other than this is just so very hard to accept, understand, and come to terms with. Greg and Bobbie were making plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas too. Don't know how to be excited and involved in the planning of the festivities when all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hide. Another set of circumstances where I need to be involved for their sakes but have no real heart for it. The duplicity wears thin on me and I fear they will see the truth I must bear and hide from them. I am so very tired from keeping up the illusion but I must be strong for them. Here it is 7 months later and I still struggle greatly with this. I still love My Paula to the exclusion of all others and foresee myself being sad, despite temporary distractions, for the rest of my days. I do know that you know just how greatly I want and need to be with My Paula. Forgive my ramblings. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. Chris

Don't know how but I made another day. Now it is the 23rd, My Paula's birthday. My dear sweet Paula would have been 60. What a sad day this will be for me. Besides the cold rain, possible sleet and snow here, I find myself so alone. Broke down today just hearing a song that brought all this to the fore again. And today I know I will cry over the loss of my dear sweet beloved, My Paula. Starting now. Chris

Thank you my friends. This is my first exposure to all this and it is overwhelming, even on a day-to-day basis. I am trying to stay busy and distracted. Successful up to a point. To have all these concentrated emotional significant days so close together is hard, especially for me this first encounter alone. For My Paula's sake, I'm doing my best. All can say is I'm still here struggling. Found out the other day that most of the family, 2 of our 3 children, all the grand-children, and 3 of our 4 great grand-children will be here over Christmas. What a wonderful time that will be. I know My Paula will be thrilled and oh so pleased. In the mean time life goes on, with or without me. Chris

I did get to spend part of the day with Greg and grandson Brasen. They came to do the yard one final time this year and stayed to visit a while. greatly appreciated. I do have to admit that despite that I have felt uneasy, nervous, edgy, even tense since yesterday. Missing and longing to be with My Paula once again. Tried to keep myself occupied and busy but it was just a distraction as I missed My Paula despite my otherwise distractions. Same all day long. Probably tomorrow too. And Tuesday, the 19th, is the 7 month date of My Paula's service. A really deeply disturbing week and month and a half ahead. No idea how I will handle all this at once. The cumulative effect is overwhelming. I wish it never happened or was over with. Anything but these endless days of constant reminders of love and life lost. Chris

Too many important dates. Today is the 16th and the 7 month date of My Paula's passing. Yet another trying day. Hope to spend part of it with family. And next Saturday is My Paula's birthday, too. Chris

Thank you KayC. Surprisingly, I found yesterday to be harder to cope with that Sunday, our anniversary date. I felt remote, removed, anxious, irritable even, after the fact. Nervous about what I still don't know. Didn't sleep well last night, still awake at 4:30 am waiting on something? Just don't know. Today is somewhat better as our son has asked me to help him replace the muffler on his truck. At least it is something to do. This constantly not knowing and having to adjust on the fly every day is very hard to manage emotionally and physically. But I'm trying. As far as "having done it" I'm not so thoroughly convinced. But progress is, as you have pointed out, is painfully slow tiny steps. I think I have at least started turning a corner but not completely confidant in even that. Maybe it's just the time of year. Anniversary, youngest son's birthday on the 20th, My Paula's birthday on the 23rd, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. The usual end of year to-do that has been part of our lives for 35 years. Hard to break old habits and routines painlessly. And for the record, KayC, I think you are one of the most down-to-earth people I know. You and My Paula will hopefully be great friends in the here-after. Chris

Hello my friends. Have intentionally been away from the computer. I need to stand on my own at some time and with My Paula's help am doing so relatively well. Her message and special gift to me on the 16th has given me the strength and courage to finally look up and see there is a future. Not what I /we expected but a future none-the-less. Have been able to focus and divert my attentions to other issues lately. Hard but necessary. Saw my counselor for the final time yesterday, Friday. She tells me that based on the improvement in my attitude, outlook, demeanor, and the visit and message from My Paula, that there is little else she can do to help me any longer. That my progress is remarkable, solid, and founded along the guidelines she has trained under. But if I relapse for any reason she is available if needed. I appreciate knowing that. Always good to have a plan "B". Still not sleeping regularly or soundly but have a better, different, frame of mind in most respects. All due in part to My Paula's visit, her message, and the book I just read. I know now she is in Heaven, persuing her hearts desires, and preparing for me to join her when that time comes. And we absolutely will be together. In this interim period I need to just be, to enjoy, to savor, to get involved again in life, to try to live-up to the high standards of personal conduct she so readily exemplified. And I am trying to do so. All that being said, I realize tomorrow the 10th, is our wedding anniversary. 34 years married, over 35 years together. It will be a quiet, lonely, introspective time , but I will get through this, too. I went to our favorite Chinese eatery tonight as we would have done had she been able. Bittersweet at best but an honorarium for her. I still miss My Paula so greatly but am learning to come to terms with the temporary situation now seperating us. Knowing it is only temporary gives me strength and hope to be with her soon. And She still comes by often and rings the doorbell for me to let me know she still loves me, is still here, still around, and still watching over me. I can't begin to express how comforting that simple act of loving care is to me. "Thank You Dear. I Love You Too" Chris

Thanks KayC. I have been trying to be a little less dependent lately. Getting away to the park was great. I plan on doing that more often. I do have an external hard drive that saves my important, to me, info. Pictures, my will, other legal documents, etc. Not aware of battery back-ups. Will check on that. I will read the suggested articles from Marty. I need all the help I can get. And I have slept well two nights in a row. Reading the book I mentioned earlier has helped change my perspective. I now choose to believe that even in Heaven, a persons innate personality is still intact. And families are intact. This has bolstered my peace and serenity while I wait to be with My Paula again. This forced separation we now endure is temporary at best. And I know My Paula feels the same. The other morning I heard the doorbell around 4:15 am. Checked again. Closing the door I hadn't gotten 2' from the door when I heard 3 distinctive knocks at that door. I was wide awake so I KNOW what I heard. Then again this morning at 4:45 another doorbell encounter. I know My Paula is communicating with me, assuring me all is well and we will be together again. She hasn't left me alone. The gift she arranged for me on the 16th is having a great positive impact on me, too. It has provided a diversion and distraction from the tedium of every day, bolstered my outlook, and in part, quelled my inner turmoil, and is a constant reminder of our commitment to and for each other. She encouraged this hobby of mine then, and is encouraging and supporting it now. How special she is to me and me to her. "Thank You Dear. I Love You Too".

Had a very bad day yesterday. No sleep Wednesday night. Stressed to the max. Blew up at the family. No reason why except frustration. Spent the most of the day un-plugged sitting in the park. No great insights from that except distance from all that frustrates and stymie's me. Not much sleep last night either. Awakened this AM to the local power supplier turning off the power for equipment maintenance. Lost a huge amount of computer data, links, etc. Only reason I can deduce is that on the 10th of this month My Paula and I would have been married 34 years. Then youngest son's BD on the 20th, and My Paula's BD on the 23rd. She would have been 60. And Thanksgiving. Hard times coming and I'm already stressed to the max.

Have been reading such a good book. I recommend it . Jesse DuPlantis' "Close Encounters of the God Kind" . He relays his vision of his visit to heaven. Having been allowed to have a similar experience when I was 18, I can attest to the honest truthfulness of what this book is about. For those of "faith" the reward awaiting us is beyond compare. And our loved ones will be there waiting for us to enjoy, together all as one.

I stand in awe and amazement as this unfolds before me. My eyes opened to another plane of existence not accessible except through this process. Thank you to all who have so generously helped me get to where I am. Peace and blessings to everyone here. And especially to My Paula. Ever loving, ever present, ever dutiful. "I Love You Dear"

Just as everything that has transpired in the preceding 4 years concerning My Paula, this too is so completely new for me. I'll have to wait to see how all this develops as it unfolds. I never imagined that I would/could be in a position to reach out to others. WOW! And I could not agree more Fae. My Paula is an amazing person.

Thank you Mary. I did feel good to extend some modicum of comfort. Surprised me too!

I got another very nice surprise today from My Paula. The Hospice Nurse who took such good care of My Paula six months ago called this afternoon just to touch-base and see how I/we are doing. I had sent her a note of appreciation back then and she kept the contact information and called today. She says she "just felt the urge to call" so she did. She was having a bad day and I was able to cheer her up, according to her. That is so special to hear. I choose to truly believe My Paula was instrumental in this too. You always know how to touch my heart. "Thank You dear. I Love You Too"

At some point we have to do what we have to do. Another hidden aspect of the lives we are left with.

After a long wait, I finally sold My Paula's vehicle today. Bitter-sweet emotionally, but My Paula told me it is time. Hated to see it go but the money will help.

Has been a trying week. I heard My Paula at the doorbell 3 separate times this week. Once on the 15th, the day before her passing 6 months ago, on the 18th, the day before the 6 months date of her service, and finally on the 19th, the date of her service. I decided to take great comfort in these signs from My Paula instead of succumbing to the ever present doom and gloom. Actually, on the 16th itself, the date of My Paula's passing, she came to me and helped, no, coordinated a situation involving several people, numerous correspondences and a few thousand miles of distance. I have no doubt she was instrumental in this whole process to create for me something that she always supported and encouraged me to be involved with. Given and accepting this great gift I have no choice but to honor her and what this represents. My Paula always wanted the very best for me and this gift is no different. It incorporates the one constant throughout my life since I was 10 years old. And My Paula knows this and surely orchestrated the circumstances for my benefit. It is as if she is saying..." Alright cutie, you have grieved enough. Look at what I have done for you. It is time to get-on with the rest of you life. I will always be here with you. You aren't alone. I Love You and it is time". "Thank You dear. I Love You Too" I find it ironically fitting and acceptable, that on the date of her passing she arranges this special gift for me. This is so indicative and representative of the life My Paula devoted to me, to us. Always thinking and doing for me, and the rest of the family, before herself. Sacrificing herself for us always pleased her so greatly. And I am so very pleased. I know she is so very pleased right now because the diversion and distraction from this overwhelming grief can, and will be interrupted, enough to allow me to hopefully enjoy what time I have left before joining her. And my intention is to honor her in return. I know there will be dark days again. I also know that when I consider what My Paula has arranged for me, I will think of the magnitude of her loving generosity on my behalf. And if in any way possible I will love her even more I spoke to my counselor about this and she claims to see the connection made and the positive benefits of this new situation. She seems genuinely happy for me as, according to her, this is possibly of such great benefit to me and the situation up to now. A turning point if you will. I accept this as just that. An incredible gift from My Paula in my hour of greatest need. And the family is supportive too. Spent Friday night at Greg's and Bobbie's for a home-made enchilada dinner. Was great. They came over here on Saturday to help me in matters I have been putting off for over 4 years while tending to and caring for My Paula. Had a great time and visit with them, again. And today they came over yet again to do the yard before Greg has to be out of town on business, starting tomorrow, for the entire week. I think My Paula was instrumental in all this. I really need the support of the family. Grandson Ronnie came and repaired my patio cover for me before winter weather sets-in. And Emily should be here tomorrow night too. Maybe an illusion but I choose to believe My Paula has had her hand in all this. If I allow all this to transpire I hope to take a big step towards re-joining life. This epiphany is just that, a re-awakening of all that surrounds me. And "all that surrounds me" certainly includes My Paula as the main focus of this greatly anticipated new direction. How could I possibly say "no" after the efforts she has gone to for my benefit? "Thank you again My Dear. I Love You Too."