boogieman

Very clever Marty. Not much to smile about lately, but that brought a big smile to me. With all due respect, Marty, I planed to "stay here" anyway. Not so much stay here as keep it fresh in my mind to try to obfuscate the sadness and loneliness all around me daily. That's not so terribly bad is it? I still function, do my chores, and all that needs to be done. Being with My Paula was the absolute hands-down best 35 + years of my life. I spent over half of my life with My Paula. Naturally I long for those days together with her. I still love her so much it hurts daily being without her.. I prefer then to now. Far and away better than the present.

Thank you Marty. In all respects this journey we are forced to take is a matter of perspective. Trying to find some semblance of balance between the before and after. Glass half full or glass half empty. Optimistic or pessimistic. Being a pragmatist I see half a glass of water. Neither half full nor half empty, Just half a glass of water. I subscribe to the theory set forth by Kalil Jabrawn in "The Rubyat". (Forgive the spelling). One can not move forward without keeping an eye on the past. The past is where we made our mistakes, lived our lives through good and bad, and by looking at and acknowledging the past is our only means of not repeating those mistakes. There is great comfort there. In that vein and in my particular situation, acknowledging the past, even reveling in love lost, is preferable to the agony of the present and an undetermined, unknown, future alone. If that perspective holds me back, then so be it. I prefer the comfort inherent there to the present agony. My reality lets me find some peace there not present in the here and now.

I miss tucking My Paula in at night. Made me feel good knowing she was safely asleep in our bed. It was my faithful duty to keep her safe. No more. It's almost 3am. I imagine there will be no sleep for me again tonight. Another of many endless nights. No one to sleep next to or wake up with tomorrow. It is always desperation for me. Always

Thank you Jenna. Well said. I think that about this time every night is the hardest for me. After the news and such, My Paula always headed to bed. At first from her long days at work, and at the end from the devastation of chemo, and radiation, and prescriptions, and stress, and worry, and the complete exhaustion from dealing with her cancer. So about this time nightly I break down knowing I won't be tucking her into bed then laying next to her as she fell asleep, ever again. So simple, so greatly missed. I sometimes wonder if My Paula misses that too. "Good night Dear. Love You" " Love You Too"

Good morning Ladies. Has been a trying few days for me. Not struggling so hard against the prevailing tide of grief has left me with time to just be "numb". Part of me relishes the quieter emotional respite but another part of me now longs even stronger for My Paula. Still looking for that balance somewhere. Have been making myself be busy in the shop, around the house, etc. Hollow and unfulfilling at best but a distraction none-the-less. I heard of Bradley's plight through a phone call from Jennifer, his wife, on Friday as they were in transit to the hospital 100 miles away. Surprised she called but appreciated the heads-up. I managed to guess at the new phone # and got in touch with her on Sunday. Haven't heard since. I need to call again. I choose to think the door issue is from My Paula. Possibly some reason for this but it gives me comfort thinking otherwise. Maybe I'm delusional, don't care. It works for me. Thank you for posting Jenna. I too am familiar with the totality of our similar experiences. "They" say... "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." True, but that old saw cuts both ways doesn't it. Those of us who really found that one true love, the love of our lives, our soul-mate, only to loose them for whatever reason, possibly don't grasp the profound extremes of dealing with that loss. The greater the bond, the connection, the more the heart longs for and needs that one special person, then the greater the sense of loss. My heart goes out to you. I truly do understand. Posting here for the better part of a year has been cathartic for me, and hopefully others. Baring my soul, grieving in "Public" so to speak, experiencing and sharing my deepest thoughts -both good and dark- has been hard. I shutter to think of what might be without this forum to share the burden with those of like experiences and minds. This is damned hard. I still miss My Paula to the extreme and probably always will. The extreme pain of her loss will color and influence me from now on. I don't want to find my way without her but there is only one other choice. That option is always there, calling to me. But so far, I have resisted. So another long lonely day awaits. Another day without My Beloved Paula.

Feeling pretty low today. No real explanation why. Didn't make it to class today. Worked here instead. Had dinner with our daughter Monday night. Haven't seen her since Christmas. Nice to see and visit with her. Our oldest son came by for a short visit this afternoon. Haven't seen him for a few weeks. Appreciate that. Haven't heard from our son in Mass. I'll call tomorrow to see how he is progressing. Haven't heard the doorbell since earlier this month. Actually on the 3rd, the7th, and lastly on the13th. Two weeks without her contact bothers me. I have come to count on her visitations. Have been noticing something else since those dates that might be My Paula. On several occasions our master bedroom door has been partially closed. No explanation why. Never happened before. I hope it is My Paula coming closer to me. Got a call late this afternoon from the Hospice. Group is cancelled for tomorrow as the counselor deals with her apparent flu. Reluctant to go at first, I have begun to look forward to that encounter. I'm tired tonight. Maybe I'll sleep.

Thank you Anne. This is not a straight-line journey. Ups and downs, fits and starts, herky-jerky and jagged at best. Never knowing when, or where, or what is next. I hope to be able to smooth this out somewhat. Probably not, but for my sake I need to try. Relaxing from the tension, going with the flow, not struggling so hard against the pressure, accepting the situation and keeping an eye on the goal is something I need to look at. Might not be the way to go, but might be better than now. We all need to find something, anything, that might allow us to get through today. Makes for a "small world" perspective that I hope is more manageable than looking at the whole and being swallowed-up there. Not an endorsement for anything. Just my feeble attempt at understanding and management.

Thank you ladies. Let me be perfectly clear. I am NOT planning to do or not do anything. As I stated, I am having great difficulty in expressing exactly what and how I am feeling. Coming from a very uniquely personal perspective I have re-read my last post and find the general tone positive. Strange, I had hoped to convey that. Instead of being so completely caught up in the negativity of all this, I still see a glimmer of hope somewhere. To be with My Paula is the ultimate expression of the totality of my existence. In one sense I feel I have "jumped ahead" by whatever time or means possible to acknowledge the reunion with My Paula and accept that as my ultimate final destination. I have come to terms with this. I have accepted this. I am ready for this. I welcome this. Just as My Paula declared on Saturday April 16th..."I can't do this any more." We both knew exactly what she was saying. That her long valiant struggle was winding down with her strength and resolve depleted. She knew the truth of her declaration. I have been reluctant to say so, but I sense an end to my struggle also. Call it a premonition or fore-sight. I sense that my time is short likewise. My strength and resolve is waning too. To continue to struggle so greatly in vain is the most difficult long-time negative experience of my life. The energy depletion takes more out of me than I have to give over a long time span. I consider this as an admission and acceptance of the finality facing me at some point in the future. Ironic, but I find peace and comfort in this acknowledgement, not negativity. I can relax to some extent knowing the struggle doesn't have to be so all-consuming due to the hopefully soon to be end arriving. Consider this. I know what my future holds. I sense that future sooner than later. I have a definite goal awaiting. I long for and welcome that final outcome. Yes there are dark days ahead. There are issues and challenges yet to be faced and addressed. I am alone and lonely. Life goes on but I don't feel the sense of struggle is so demanding any longer. Everyone and everything will continue with or without me being a part of it. Insignificance comes to mind. In that vein and from that perspective, I can loosen my grasp on this struggle and try to savor the immediate. I concede the match. I am tired of the constant upheaval and extremes of emotions. I seek peace and tranquility above all else. The level of peace attained and maintained for over 35 glorious years with My Paula. Of course My Paula is not here. But I must try to find that wonder within me again, alone and to the best of my abilities, until we are reunited. Let's call it a refresher course before the finals. The orchestra is building to the final movement before the coda begins. Listen closely. I can hear the music! And finally a word about the support group. Tomorrow I hope to touch base with the counselor. She is wonderful, caring, and sympathetic. I think we as a group, might benefit greater if we were allowed to share more openly and freely by " free association" rather than trying to get her agenda, her outline, her "talking points" in during our meetings. I know I would but certainly can't/won't speak for the others. I certainly have no expertise here and would never offend or over-step my boundaries. Just something I sense. Am I out-of-line here?

Fae and Kay, I see you too have emotional and physical down days. I am so sorry to hear of your continued pain. I do know about pain. I take you at your word that "it will get easier'. I have no basis of comparison for any time scale. Even though there are brief fleeting moments of some semblance of peace they are too few and too far between. The agony of "being" without My Paula is crushing. I think of nothing else. I went to class today. I had projects to work on but found no joy in the tasks. It was simply something to do and not enjoyable at all. Slightly, briefly, distracting but not the fun it once was. Before, I would regail My Paula with my fascination of the shop and what I did new, and what I had learned and experienced, what took place with the other guys there, stories, jokes, off-hand comments, and the excitement of being there. I knew she didn't fully comprehend most of this but she was interested none-the-less. Now I have no one to share any of this with. No one asks, no one really cares. I leave an empty house, return to an empty house. I am empty while I'm gone. I had a epiphany this last long lonely weekend. I see my life with My Paula as a tuning fork. Once struck, the tone, the vibrations, the inherent oscillations are soothing, calming, constant, and dependable. My Paula and I struck that perfect cord over 35 years ago. We lived in peace, harmony, tranquility each attuned to the others vibrations. We didn't have the same note but the two together was so harmonious, so tranquil and peaceful. So in-tune with the other as to be one perfect pitch grand note. Together we listened to only that one note for the inherent beauty therein, living a charmed synchronous life to the fullest extent and to our hearts desires. Now being alone not only does my tuning fork not reverberate often. When it does the note is off-key, unpleasant, irritating, un-harmonious, a grating and irritating noise. Nothing like the two of us together produced. Then I realized that I know that sound. It is the reverberating echoes of my life before My Paula, and the only sound I have heard for over 9 months now. I remember the hardships, the agony, the uncertainty of the long ago past. My unease, uncomfortable times alone, a very unhappy marriage, my unhappiness with myself, the constant feeling that something, everything, just wasn't right. I find everything hollow and tinny now. I am uneasy, tense, stressed, and uncomfortable to the "n" th degree almost all the time. I don't like feeling this way constantly, again. So completely sad and lonely is no way to "live" any life. As I said earlier, or yesterday, or whenever it was, if I haven't broken, I am on the verge of doing so. Shattering into more pieces than can be put back together. And if put back together only to be in the same circumstance is unacceptable. Perhaps some of you know exactly what I am trying so desperately to convey. It is unacceptable to me to be forever out of tune, out of synch, slightly off tempo from the pulse of the rest of mankind. So alone, lonely, uncomfortable, constantly stressed, missing and longing for My Paula to the exclusion of everything and everyone else. My Paula was, is, my world, my reason for existing, my only hope of ever finding peace again. I need the tranquil beautiful musical made with no one but My Paula. Everything before or since is too harsh and non-resonating to possibly reconcile myself to or with. Untarnished by death and unyielding to time, ours is a union for eternity. This present existence has no hold over me any longer. There is no need to try to cling to it so desperately for all the emptiness it holds. Giving in to this, I realize I am in this world but not of this world. My future, my destiny lies with My Paula. Rejoice my friends for I have found my place. A place where nothing can ever disrupt the perfect harmony that resonates between me and My Paula. Soon I will be rejoining My Paula in that state of blissful harmony where we will make beautiful music together forever, and once again become the "one" we are destined to be. Perhaps tonight I will sleep.

I only learned of the phone # change a few weeks ago. No one has the number. No idea what hospital except Worchester Mass. I couldn't stand the stress today so I took what I thought might be the number and called. Finally got an answer. They had to go to the other city as all the hospitals in Holyoke Mass are full and not admitting new patients. Imagine a city with no hospital available facilities. After a battery of tests that hospital thinks an abscessed tooth may be the cause of the infection, high temp, and swelling. They lanced it to install a drainage tube, prescribed antibiotics, and sent him home to see an oral surgeon when the swelling decreases and the infection is controlled. Might have to make the 100 mile trip back to Worchester. Don't know. They have no car. The added stress of this after the group session Thursday night has left me a wreck. No sleep Thursday night, or Friday night, a short nap Saturday afternoon, and very unsettled restless sleep last night. No rest today either. I know about how long I can go without based on caring for My Paula 24/7. I'm about there now. And class again tomorrow. And temps in the 20's, wind chills in the teens for the next few days, and little rest, and all the other crap I have to deal with too. I've about reached my limits. No idea what to do about any of this. My Paula can't help. Praying hasn't helped. No one to turn to. I'm drowning here! My only thoughts as always turn to being with My Paula. That peaceful serenity with absolutely no care or worries. No stress. No problems. Only peace and tranquility. Only the soothing loving embrace of the Love of My Life. To be far, far, far, away from here. I know fully no one can "fix this" I have to face it , deal with it, manager it, and cope all alone. I am so completely over my head not having My Paula to help me see my way through this mess and depression. If I haven't already I think I may be ready to give up. This torture is almost unbearable. One step forward, full on retreat going backward.

Just now heard from our estranged son's wife that he is being taken to a hospital in another city for emergency surgery for a swelling on the right side of his neck. No details as the phone connection wasn't very good. They have new phone numbers and I didn't get that to follow-up call back. Have to wait for DIL to call me back tonight or tomorrow. I pray this turns out well for him. I can't weather another tragedy.

All true and then some. I did go to group last night. Bad weather never materialized here, just the cold and wind. I am finding a common thread connection with the other attendees. According to what was said last night, we all have only one, or at most two, people to really talk to, to share with. How ironic that in an age of instant communication we really have no one to talk too. The "sound bite" has replaced real communication for those of us needing, longing for, honest open sharing and help. I also realized that the group counselor is being graciously accommodating as the group takes our conversations to place and levels not on her agenda. She even commented last night that we, as a group, were several pages ahead of her itinerary. I appreciate you all greatly. But there is something inherently soothing and comforting in being able to look another person in the eyes as we share our common bonds, trials, and tribulations. Last night we were asked to bring a picture of our beloved if we were up to it. One gentleman sad that he was unable to have pictures of his wife "on display" at their home. The pain was too much for him to bear. But he brought a small photo anyway. I could actually see the relief and smile on his face as the picture was passed from one to the other and stories shared about that person. We may have "hit on something" as the counselor asked us to bring another next week if we so choose. Personally I have so much to say I fear I take too much of our time. At the same time, I find myself so very deeply interested in hearing the other's comments too. Our sessions have ran long on both occasions. On the drive home, I listened to one of my most favorite songs. It brought tears to my eyes. I ran it back and played it again. "I Can't Stop Loving You" says it all for me. In fact, I had this song played during My Paula's memorial service. There wasn't a dry eye in the assembly. PS. I prefer the Van Halen song. Not to everyone's taste though. There is even a reference to Ray Charles' song too.

So sorry to hear about your daughter Karen. We will pray for you both. I am so not used to being addled so easily. For almost 50 years, being a contractor, I started every day with a long list of to-do's. Hardly ever written down but things always got done. Now I have trouble remembering the smallest of things. Another "adjustment" I don't want to have to make. Have to start on the taxes today. My Paula always did this chore and was so very organized doing so. Me, not so much! I hope I don't overlook something important, but probably will.

Hey KayC. Wish I had the frame of mind to think of that on Monday. Being a holiday I know Greg, Bobbie, and Brasen were not at work or at school . Bobbie home schools Brasen so Tuesday, his birthday, was out of the question. I just can't seem to be able to think much at all lately except for and about My Paula. I did go to class today. As an example of my lack of my sound thinking, I thought I enrolled in the 1pm to 5pm afternoon class so I went early to see if old acquaintances might be there. Turns out I was enrolled in the morning class, 8am til noon. Missed 90% of the class. These types of issues bother and upset me greatly. If I can't do better than that I need to withdraw completely from the world as a danger to them and me. Group tomorrow is pending. Weather turning bad, high temps in the low 30's, wind chill in the high teens to lo 20's, chance of rain, sleet, snow, maybe icing. Given these conditions and my seeming lack of ability to think straight, I might put me in a dangerous situation for no other reason than my lack of awareness. If I get lost, or turned around, or in an accident, forget where I'm going either to or from, no one would know for possibly days. I'm just not sure I can trust me. Extremely unnerving and unsettling for me. I have had to go back through this post and spell check at least half of it. Seems I have forgotten how to even spell correctly. Maybe this is a precursor of that massive stroke/heart attack I pray for. So off to bed. Maybe I won't get lost on my way down the hall.

Something is terribly wrong here. It's going on 3:00am here again and I can't sleep. I had hoped and prayed for some sort of relief but find only more angst and unrest. I grow more anxious daily without my Paula. I feel a need to be with her, close to her, not here alone and lonely. This is just not right, this being so abjectly alone and lonely. I try to keep busy with bills, new insurance, income tax prep, grocery shopping, laundry, dishes and the kitchen, and any other form of distraction I can think of. Nothing works for more than a very short time before I am drawn back to My Paula. I even missed our Grandson's 9th birthday today from being distracted by this obsession with My Paula. This just isn't right. Classes start tomorrow and right now I don't know if I will be able to go. And group is Thursday evening. Not sure I can go back there either. This unrest, uncertainty, and stress is wearing me down quickly. I need to be with My Paula, not stranded here so alone. It is frightening being alone all the time. It really does scare me to be so utterly alone, not knowing what might happen or what I might do. I see me becoming more withdrawn and anti-social on a daily basis as I realize just how lonely I truly am. I am so utterly completely tired of and exhausted from all this.

Despite the tone and timber of my post, I am finding a modicum of peace and a certain comfort level with the revelation. I think, given this newer perspective, that I don't have to struggle so mightily constantly against the prevailing trend. I think I can relax my vigilance ever so slightly and just accept what is. I say this because I slept from about 5am until 11am this morning. A restful serenity that I so desperately need. If I must be more somber and withdrawn to manage life now, I accept that and will embrace it from a de-stressed perspective. The effort to just get by while striving so hard to cope is too hard. So I try less striving and more acceptance to ease my constant pain. An accepted level of pain and agony there-in tells me I am still alive and able to feel something, anything, besides the deep grief and sorrow. A little pain is preferable to maximum pain. Maybe this will keep me from drowning. What have I got to loose by trying? I appreciate the extended hand from you all. Just as you, I have to do this my way.

It's 3:30 on the morning of the 19th. In about 10-1/2 hours there will be a memorial service for My Paula in which I say my earthly goodbye. I can hardly imagine doing so or being in a place of having to do so . The mere abstract thought of it crushes me. Another night with no sleep and no rest for me. I realize now just how disturbed I am and how deeply this is disturbing to me. Even in the best of times since April 16th last year I think of nothing but My Paula. Now is no different. And I realize it never will be different for me. I accept that. No matter what I do, or where I go, or what I might do to occupy my time, this loneliness and longing for My Paula will never go away. I am completely obsessed with nothing else. Any and all matters pertaining to me personally are so completely insignificant as to be of no substance whatsoever. Believe me, I have given this matter almost my complete and total attention for over 9 months now. Even when distracted or allowing myself a small respite from the grueling torture and agony, I always return to the same place, the same conclusion. Without My Paula here with me my life is meaningless, empty, with no direction, focus, or purpose. Perhaps I came to rely on her too much, loosing myself in her in the process. If so, so be it If this is a price I must pay for loving My Paula so greatly, so deeply, so completely. My sadness and loneliness grows daily. I have no control over it as I continually spiral out of control and beyond my ability to stop it. Truth be known, I don't want to stop it. I choose to spend the rest of my days like they are if I can't be with her soon. The glorious time we spent together is more dear and precious to me than anything possible in my earthly future. Each and every moment filled with sorrow and sadness. Especially now as I realize what my future holds for me. I have tried so very hard to cope, to adjust, to manage, to come to terms with this for far too long. I admit my weakness, my lack of resolve, and accept my eventual outcome eagerly. I have been trying hard to understand exactly what I want and need to say. To understand what I truly feel. Now I know.

Thank you ladies for your words of direction and insight. I know, for me, there is no great desire or urge to continue, or carry-on, or whatever this really is. I'm doing whatever is required right now. And not enjoying it or deriving any sense of relief or satisfaction from it. Futility comes to mind. For example, it took me 6 hours and 3 trips to the school, but I did get enrolled for classes. Now I'm not so sure I even want to go. It is just a time filling device that holds no particular charm. I am so tired of trying to find or create something, anything, to fill this enormous void in what life I have left. Not any joy in anything I do. My reality tells me these are all just fillers and a poor substitute for real living. I am finding it to be not enough. I had this discussion with my mother just last weak. I know she means well but I have heard the admonitions to "get on with it" far too many times. Even staying as busy as I can stand it, nothing ever comes close to filling the enormity of the hole in my heart. Bumbling and stumbling through life is no way to live. In group Thursday night, Lisa told us that we probably would feel worse from the experience. She was right. Too much time for introspective reflection is not always good. And I have lots of time. With the exception of my friend Nick, most of our friends and family have isolated themselves from me. Or I have isolated myself from them? Not a clue. I do know I am different now, I just have no clue to what extent and in what direction. Apparently "they" see or sense or perceive something I don't yet comprehend or understand. From your perspective it may appear that I have made progress or taken strides. From here I have to disagree. I am still in the very same dark and lonely place. I have faced and addressed several issues, overcoming some, failing miserably at others. But inside, nothing has changed. Nothing will ever fill the void left by My Paula. I'm tired of trying. I know that some never recover from such a devastating loss. I count me in that group.

It's going on 4:00 am here. Another sleepless night for me. Once again, you all give me too much credit for my suffering. There is nothing noble about any of this. I came on here tonight to "give up", to completely resign myself to the dire circumstances facing me daily, hourly. This extreme extended torture and agony has to end. I am so completely exhausted from the effort to just exist. I must admit that I lied to My Paula. She was worried about me being alone. I shrugged it off. I can make it on my own. Not a problem. I've done it before. I can do it again. I lied to her and I know she saw right through it. That was before I knew the sheer, continuing, soul crushing, heart breaking, agony of being without her. I have no doubt why I can't sleep. The loneliness, emptiness, and solitude slowly grinding me down.

Thank you Marty. Sometimes the harder the lesson or task, the better the lesson is learned. I attended my first group counseling session last night. Not what I expected as I felt somewhat comfortable opening up to complete strangers and like-wise suffering souls. Maybe it's the "safety in numbers" syndrome. I just don't know. I do realize they were willing to listen, really listen and understand, what I - like they are, what we are all going through. If we are all alone in this, at least we are all alone together. Maybe shared grief softens the burden for us all. Chris

Thank you, NATS. I went back and read most of your postings. I appreciate your openness and candor. There aren't many men of this forum. For me, today is the 9 month date of My Paula's passing. Still feeling empty, lonely, alone, abandoned, hurt, and even resentful. At who and for exactly what I don't know. I have little problem in understanding why. This is HARD! Where to go, what to do, when to do it, who to do anything with, dealing with the myriad of small issues that seem almost impossible now, and all the other life changes brought on by the cruel circumstances we all here find ourselves in. THIS JUST ISN"T FAIR! I KNOW I"M SCREAMING! I CAN"T HELP IT! I MISS MY PAULA SO GREATLY! Living, breathing, eating, sleeping, enjoyment, are all issues from a past life hardly recognizable as once being mine. I have lost over 60 lbs. since the first of last year. Clothes don't fit anymore and I don't care. Food has no taste, no shared enjoyment at all. Minor issues are continually blown out of proportion leaving me feeling even weaker and more vulnerable. My blood pressure is all over the place. Constant headache. Stomach always tied in knots. A looming sense of doom and gloom permeates my very being. If this is supposed to get better and/or easier, I ask the rhetorical question... "WHEN?" My Paula and I are very private people. We looked no further than to each other for over 35 years. Now who do I share this life with? This sad, lonely life and the ruined shambles of what once was. I get through every day somehow. No idea how or why. What is the point? To exist in this state of upheaval, turmoil, uncertainty, and stress is not what anyone could consider "living". Yet, here we are, aren't we? The Love of My Life taken from me. I am so much less without My Paula. Is it enough?

Coming up soon on 3:00 am on the 16th.

It has been a while, but here it is approaching 3:00 am and I can't sleep from missing My Paula so greatly. This is tearing my heart out all over again. And I have the next 5 days to relive.

Not a problem Mary. On the night of the 12th, My Paula was in agony from her ever increasing pain. We were up all night trying everything at our disposal to ease her pain to no avail. Early on the morning of the 13th we had to admit My Paula to the hospital for her extreme pain management. Her words still echo in my ears, ... " I just can't do this any more." On the 14th we made the decision to contact Hospice Care due to the oncologist's assessment of possibly My Paula had 36-48 hours left. On the 15th My Paula had a "resurgence" and was lucid, jovial, conversing and going back-and forth with our children who were there to visit her. She ate a part of her lunch, her first food in several days. We laughed and loved and shared this one last family time together. After the children left late in the day Paula "crashed" so to speak. I know she knew her time was short and wanted to spend her last hours surrounded by the family she so dearly loved, and she did just that. Her extreme pain caused me to decide to have the Hospice nurse increase My Paula's pain meds to control the pain she was suffering so greatly with. As we had previously talked about and agreed to, I had her pain meds drastically increased knowing the ultimate consequences of that promise I had made to her to not let her suffer even one minute longer than necessary. My Paula passed away at 3:00 am on the 16th. We held My Paula's memorial service the afternoon of the 19th. Funny how so much of those times is so very blurred and confusing, yet I remember the details of the times in her final days here with me. I was by her side continually. So, in short, the 12th through the 19th is the week I refer to. Oddly, I just realized I haven't gone in to details like this with anyone except here on this forum. This is all so raw and personal for me. Perhaps I have held this in for too long. Either way I close for now. Tears prohibit any further lucid communications. A very hard 7 days indeed.

Still hanging around. Today is the 9 month date of the final chapter in my and My Paulas' lives together. By this time she was admitted to the hospital. I am distraught and numb all over again. Going to be a hard 7 days ahead. Trying to "hold it together". Whatever "it "is.