boogieman

Please believe me when I say I don't want to have to be doing these things. The only reason is to try to fill the endlessly long hours and days of being alone and lonely. I would much prefer to still be tending to My Paula and/or enjoying our time together in our "golden years" . We were cheated out of that and I still harbor a certain amount of resentment in that regard. I'm as lost as the rest of you. Not a clue about much of anything. Just trying to find a way "forward", whatever that means. I do know that My Paula is here in me, coloring, influencing, and is the guiding spirit in what time I have left. Not even close to acceptable but this is what I have to "live with" now. As if anyone could ever confuse this with "living". Lisa, my Grief Counselor, left a message yesterday about a 6 week group session she is starting next week. Really mixed feelings about going. Not sure I can "go back" to revisit the darkest period in my life. Thinking about it though.

Somehow the angst and frustration so prominent in my pre-holiday day to day emotions are somewhat abated. Realizing that life has to go on with or without me. I seem to be turning more inward in my general perspective and looking less to outside influences. Maybe it's like Marty posed.." Where is the man that My Paula fell in love with? " I am finding pieces of him scattered around in the dark recesses of my psyche. As I find these remnants I take a certain comfort in trying to put these shattered remains back together into a whole being. At the family Christmas I had wanted to be able to go through My Paula's personal effects with the girls. To let each one pick an item for their personal reasons. That just didn't happen for many reasons. Instead of being upset I have let this let-down go. Everyone is now scattered again and who knows if and when that opportunity will present itself again. So I take comfort in knowing all of My Paula's personal things are still here with her. I had wanted to get family pictures then too. That didn't happen either. Not often that 5 generations can be together these days. I have delved back into the project My Paula arranged for me this past September. Quite therapeutic to take unwanted, unwelcomed feelings and emotions, and turn them into something positive. It seems to be working, at least for now. Checking on going back to school for more metal fabrication classes and computer classes too. Being 65, here, I can attend community college cost free. I have the time so why not? Emily is working 14-16 hour days in real estate. Has listed 10-12 properties since Christmas. Sold 3-4 already. Greg is neck deep in his state position after being off for 2 weeks. Bobbie is wrapped-up in home schooling for Brasen. Found out yesterday that grandson John-Paul and wife Randi are expecting our 4th great grandchild, a boy, in late June. Their first and John-Paul's second. They are headed to Alaska in August for a 4 year deployment. So things have settled into their patterns for now. Taking a step-back overview position allows me to see and watch these events unfold without being caught-up in the frenzy. I actually miss it. But my life is now on a different course now into uncharted waters so-to-speak. So I ride in the wake of those of you who have gone before me, relying on your experiences and insights to find my own way, too. Not happy about it, certainly somewhat frightening, but what other choice do I/we have? Chris

All of you are too kind. I struggle greatly day-to-day. Most days I hardly see the point. Not having a specific challenge to face leaves me empty with not much to look forward to. The daily grind is just that, a grind. But then, I knew a major let-down was coming. And here it is.

Have made it through the holidays. I met with my 3 brothers at our mothers house yesterday for the last of my Christmas gatherings. Had a good but lonely time. Somehow managed to "keep it together" despite everything. I did decide to help my mother in the kitchen as she is 85 and none of her DIL's were there. So acting as My Paula would have, I jumped in the kitchen for food prep and afterward cleanup. I actually felt better by doing what I know My Paula would have done and my mother appreciated the effort. We got to spend quality time together. Priceless. Everything all of you have said is true. I am trying to see the forest through the trees and in-cooperate a broader view of things. Thank you so much Marty for your timely poignant observations and questions, and challenges, you offer. Sorry to hear of all your troubles KayC. Apparently you suffer in silence quite well or I have been oblivious to your trials and difficulties. Appreciate you all and the concern you extend to me. So time marches on. Thinking I might be able to re-join the rest of you. Hesitantly and so unsure, but thinking about it anyway. Chris

Right now, today, the need to cling so desperately to the memory of a life loved and lost, has a stronger allure than facing the harsh reality of truth. There, then, My Paula and I were so sure of ourselves, so confident in every move and decision so easily made together. No matter the outcome, together, we could, would, and did overcome. Now alone, I hesitate at every turn for fear of making a wrong decision and having to face the possible consequences alone. I don't want to, no, can't face this alone. With each other at our respective sides we boldly made our way together without a care as we knew we could overcome anything together. And we did just that. It is a very much different thing being alone without someone to care for and who cares for me. Someone who I can and did trust so very completely to "have-my-back" so to speak. Without that unflinching unconditional support I find myself in an unknown, unfamiliar, uncomfortable position. A position that has been so very far removed from the lives My Paula and I shared together since that fateful summer of 1978 when we pledged ourselves to each other. A decision not questioned or regretted, ever. So the immediate question is this. Move on how, and to what?

Your posts since my last posting contain a wealth of insights. More than I can assimilate in one sitting. I will re-read them again later. Grandson John-Paul and his wife, and Grand-daughter Brittney and family all left without even a by-your-leave. It has now been 5 days and I haven't seen another soul. The loneliness and solitude are unbearable. Once again I sense and feel the stress of this. No desire, no drive, no direction, no rest, little sleep. I "geared-up" for the family gathering and am personally pleased with the way I handled it, as internally tense and stressful as it was. Now that is past, I haven't got much, if anything, to look forward to. Now I feel like my life is "on hold" again. Not much to anticipate, or look forward to, except more of the same loneliness. The let-down is proving to be greater and harder to cope with than I expected. There I go with expectations again. Waiting for, what? Looking for, what? Anticipating, what? It's like Fae said. The rhythm of life alone is so different than a life shared. Hard, if not impossible, to establish new routines, new methods, new procedures, new directions, to find the natural rhythm of a now solitary lonely life. The mundane business of paying bills, checking the mail, straightening the house, trying to keep the house somewhat clean, washing dishes or clothes; none of these hold any means of imparting even the slightest ray-of-hope of better times. This next week everyone but me will return to their "normal routine". I haven't got a "normal" anymore. The let down since Christmas is really tearing me up. A new reality of being so lonely and alone is making it's ugly presence known and felt. Somehow it is different now than before. Can't quite put my finger on it, but there is a difference. I suspect that in a certain perspective I have gotten through this much feared time and survived the ordeal. Celebrating Christmas with family and My Paula has been a monumental undertaking that I cherish so greatly. Now there is just not much left, either to look forward to, or in me. It's like I faced that ordeal, worked through it, and now closed that door behind me. Only to find another huge, dark, lonely space devoid of hope and life. An empty nothingness in the dark. Trying to create, find, and make a new paradigm of life from the emptiness. Maybe this is a sign of a reality where I must take another step towards accepting the reality that the "Love of My Life", My Paula is gone. A step I do not want to take. A step I am not sure I can take.

Appreciate the kind words of support and encouragement. Today is one of those extremely low days. The holidays are over. The family have all gone home. Our children have resumed their normal routines. And here I am alone with no direction, no focus, no one to help relieve these long lonely days with. Looks like back to "normal" for me too. The "up and down" of grief is so exhausting, so deep, so very sudden and extreme. It's no wonder why it is so very hard to cope with and adjust to. Chris

Thank you all. Hope each of you had a great day. While I appreciate the support, I think you give me too much credit. I'm just a casualty-of-war trying to put the pieces of a broken life back together to somewhat resemble what once was. My Paula taught me by showing me the absolute total value of being open and honest, being vulnerable when needed. If I can't express myself I know I will implode. And here is the place to do just that. Appreciate your indulgence. Knowing this transformation is far from over I trudge onward. Not liking it one bit, but trying to accept and adjust just the same. Chris

Greetings my friends. Hoping everyone had a good experience and family time together where possible. I would like to take a moment to share a few insights I experienced these last few days. Valuable insights that I hope may be of use to others. I entered this holiday season with a sense of impending doom and dred. Grief and being closed off emotionally does that to us. Not feeling that I was up to the tasks at hand, I vented some of my anxieties here inappropriately. To wit, on Monday evening Emily came over on her semi-scheduled Monday night visit. Greg and Bobbie came too. The girls took time from their schedules to help in the preparations for our family gathering on Tuesday. I did not expect this loving gesture from them and was surprised. Grandson John-Paul made the 100 mile trip to pick up and bring my mother, his great -grandmother, here, as she wanted to help too. There were 7 people in the kitchen all vying for counter-top space, cook-top space, and oven time. In a totally misunderstood manner in a hectic situation I made a comment that upset Bobbie to the point she and Greg left abruptly and suddenly without our usual acknowledgements. Emily told me of my gaffe. I immediately contacted Greg and Bobbie to apologize and mend fences. Realizing this was all precipitated by my negative mind-set, I vowed to relax and let things go as they will. Spoke to my mother about this as she spent the night here for the next days activities. I slept well Monday night and rested . In a newly discovered relaxed manner I set about the tasks at hand. Everything went well and smoothly. I even burned a finger on a tray of fresh-from-the-oven items without falling apart. A little doctoring and right back to it. Everything went smoothly. Everything got done. Everyone contributed. Everyone had a great meal and family fellowship. All because I gave the family the leeway to do as they saw fit and correct without my intervention and expectations. I took my preconceived notions out of the equation and the day was wonderful. My expectations, both good and bad, were addressed wonderfully. Gift exchanges was wonderful. After the mess was handled by the girls, everyone drifted off to their other family obligations. I didn't let that upset me. I took my mother home and got back here about 11pm. I worked on the kitchen, food storage, and some clean-up. Went to bed and even though tired, I couldn't sleep from the positive day it had been. We all knew and acknowledged that My Paula, their Momz, Mamaw was here and very much a part of the festivities. How wonderful to feel her presence during the most family oriented day of the year, and My Paula's most favorite holiday. I did, finally on Monday, manage to get a framed picture of My Paula with each of the family members enlarged, matted, framed, and wrapped. I asked them all to open that gift collectively. A hush fell over us all as the impact of this simple gesture fell upon us. Tears were shed and happy comments were shared. In a retro side note, last April John-Paul came in for My Paula's' service. Dressed in his full Army Ranger dress uniform he was looking at some of my older pictures of My Paula. "Is this Mamaw?" he asked curiously. "Yes it is John-Paul" I proudly replied. "Wow! I never knew she was such a babe! Hot!" "Thank you John-Paul. She certainly is" Sometime after 3am I fell asleep. Woke by the phone at 8am by a friend with Christmas greetings for me. Contacted Greg, Bobbie, and Emily about 9am with Christmas greetings for them. At that time I was humbled, shocked, and awed, beyond anything I ever experienced before. The girls told me to go check in our Hope Chest. There I found 3 presents to me from My Paula. I cried for over an hour at the thoughtful, tender, overwhelming, gesture. Excuse me for crying even now at the wonderfulness of this. On each present was a different picture of My Paula. So painful but so heartwarmingly wonderful and poignant at once. Oh how I love My Paula. The agony of her absence replaced with the loving touch she left for me. Now I fully understand "agony and ecstasy". What love and devotion she gave me for 35 years and continues to do so. Our girls did that for me with My Paula's directions and blessings. I have a new-found respect for the wonderful, thoughtful, loving , caring women in my life. To do something this epic and touching for one so un-deserving is humbling. Lessons learned. Give the others in your life the chance to express their love for you Lower your expectations of others and accept their generosity Don't expect others to rise to your unreasonable demands Accept that which is given with gratitude and an open heart Life has a way of maintaining it's own balance. Be humble towards those in our lives With great tragedy comes great elation-if we will be open to it. So with extremely high expectations for an emotionally hard day without My Paula was turned into one of the most memorable. Simply by getting me out of the way and allowing it to be without expectations. Well dear friends, I have made it through the first occasion of the major events in my and My Paula's lives together. I am sure that this next April 16th, the first anniversary of My Paula passing, will be hard too, but I have 4 months to prepare for that. Battered, bloody, and bruised, here I stand despite the extreme hardships I have been forced to endure. Might not be the case without everyone's support, understanding, and advice. Thank you all, my friends. Chris

Have had a very difficult last several days. The holidays just point out to me just how alone I am. But I am trying to cope. Not very successfully, but trying. For the first time in my adult life, I wish this was all over. The added stress, the hustle and bustle, the "to-do" is wearing thin. Seems that "the plan" is for the girls to come over on Tuesday morning to cook everything for 20 people for the day. I'm no "Betty Crocker" but even I can see the folly in that. I have basically been up for 36 hours and still have shopping and wrapping to do. I might have to start the kitchen process later today and into tonight as I just can't sleep anyway. I have no idea how My Paula handled this every year and I bless her for her efforts! Maybe I'll sleep tomorrow night. If I don't make it back here I want to WISH EVERYONE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Thank you all, again. This is so completely overwhelming I am totally lost. I sent an "SOS" this afternoon via the tablet they gave me to stay in touch with them. Not even one response. Not a word from any of them. They all have lengthy plans for every moment from now through Tuesday morning when we traditionally get together. None of the plans include me or anything remotely connected to our 35 year tradition. I can't even get a response from an urgent message. I know they all got it as they all live or die by the all-mighty cell phone or whatever it is they call these new live-line devices. So there will be no one available to help me. Except my dear friend Nick. Spoke to him tearfully about this turn of events. He volunteered to come help me cook!. Imagine that. Someone not even connected to the family offering to step in and help me, his friend, in my great time of utter dejection and pain. Emily has to work on contracts for real estate Monday. Bobbie has to home school Brasen even though school is out until January. Greg is off but other than the grill, he doesn't cook either. Chrissie can't cook. Crystal has 4 kids of her own to deal with. Randi has to split her time between her divorced parents. And she is 3 months pregnant and complains somewhat. No one available. They are all used to just showing up and having everything ready for them. This year most have to leave early (convenient?) for other family obligations. Ronnie and Crystal have to work and won't even be here until dark. They will leave early. Emily has her 2 children, John-Paul and Brittney, and their families in town together for the first time in 3 years. They are planning to leave early to get ready for Christmas morning. She has invited Greg, Bobbie, and Chrissie over for that time. But not me. Seems I am the family pariah now. Despite all our closeness they are still uncomfortable spending any more time than is necessary around me. I don't blame them at all. Even I don't enjoy being around me most of the time. Oh, there is a birthday party planned for Reaia (3) Sunday afternoon for 2 hours. Me alone, with another 300-400 of their closest friends at a pizza-game-bowling facility not even close to me. Not sure I can go. Besides, no one will miss me if I don't. I haven't been this low in several months. It's too late to make alternate plans now. I thought they would all understand and respond accordingly. Not so. And Greg's and Emily's mother is driving up from San Antonia today, staying through Sunday night. She and her husband dive right in the middle of any doings and disrupt things as they please. And everyone, I mean everyone, stays at Greg's and Bobbie's exclusively. In their 3 bedroom small house. 9 adults and 3 little ones all jammed together in 1700 sq. ft.. I have 2 empty bedrooms in 2150 sq .ft. and no one wants to be here. It's no fun here. So it is hard to start new traditions while trying desperately to maintain the old ones while disrespecting the ones we have had for 35 years. I just don't understand. I wish this was over. I need so desperately for things to be as they were. Knowing that can never happen again, I am saddened even more greatly. The traditions so carefully, lovingly, crafted and nurtured by My Paula and I so easily forgotten and disrespected. This hurts me deeply. After I got home earlier I cried for a while. Finally napped some. Cried some more tonight. Probably cry myself to sleep tonight, if I sleep at all. This all has me torn completely down emotionally. I am exhausted, stressed, edgy, nervous, dis-appointed and hurt to the extreme most of the time and it is getting worse. I sense some impending doom awaiting. No idea what. But I have felt this for 8 months now. Perhaps that massive coronary I pray for daily. Being without My Paula is the worst thing that could happen. And the reality of it is hitting home, hard, again. In my darkest imagination I never conceived of being so totally alone and abandoned by the entire world. My life has taken on a state of insignificance never considered before. I am nothing, certainly less, without My Paula. I don't even get to shop for her ever again. And it is breaking my heart! Tired of venting, and crying again, I need to sign off. Thank you all for your support, suggestions, and understanding. Chris

Has been good and very bad this past week. Good is that our girls came over Thursday to organize cooking and did most of the house cleaning for Christmas eve, our family time together. Grand- son in from Ft. Bragg for 10 days through the 28th. Grand- daughter and family here tomorrow for 7 days. The other side is that most of the cooking has to be done by me alone on Monday night/Tuesday morning as nothing will keep for 5-6 days and be fresh. I'm talking 6 or 7 dishes from scratch. They all have plans for every minute between now and then so can't/won't be back until Tuesday morning. Went just now to have pictures made to frame for the family of My Paula. The equipment there won't let me do what I need done to get the finished product I want. Frustration set-in, stress beat me, depression and grief took-hold, and I broke down in the store. I am so utterly defeated , stressed, and exhausted trying to be and have the Christmas everyone is expecting. I can't live up to that expectation. Not sleeping well again. Not eating much if anything. Constant headache from the stress. Blood pressure all over the scale. 140's over 90's to low 90's over 60's. On the verge of canceling the whole thing. My heart is not in it and my grief and depression is growing stronger daily as I try so hard to keep everything in check and suppressed without any sign of success. I just want to crawl into a deep hole and pull the dirt back in around and over me. I can't take too much more of this aloneness. I am meant to be with My Paula now more than ever. Never being afraid to face a challenge, I find myself buckling at the mere prospects of getting through this alone. Maybe then all this won't hurt so much.

Families indeed. Struggling again today with all that needs to be done for the holidays. A long list that I can't seem to cope with. Things My Paula handled so effortlessly. Tomorrow morning, the 16th, at 3:00 am, is when My Paula was taken away 8 months ago. Knowing what needed to be done, yesterday, I sat and cried almost all day missing My Paula and did absolutely nothing. Not a lot better today. I did manage to sweep the hardwood floors and vacuum the den carpet, even wrapped a few presents. But my heart was not in it and I derived no joy from it. Just another in a long list of chores to be addressed. So here at the end of another long lonely weekend I face the specter of 3:00 am in the morning alone, just as I had to then. If and when you get tired of hearing of my misery , please have the decency to tell me. I have no one else to share these, my most private thoughts and raw emotions, with.

Woke this morning still blue, depressed, sad, lonely and over-all down. Cried myself to sleep at some point. Mary, you mentioned my friend Nick. I do stay in contact with him. He has been single for over 20 years due to divorce. He has learned how to live singularly and offers his experiences as guidance. I have learned through our experiences to be careful while leaning on him as he too still has down moments and I don't want to push him to that state of mind needlessly. I have inadvertently done so on more than one occasion and it makes me sad to know I have been at least partially responsible for causing that situation. We have cried together more than once. But he is still here for me and me for him. Imagine that. Compassion coming from me when I can barely function myself. My Paula has had an even greater impact on me than I even know. Talking to our children is so hard as they too are still dealing with our loss. My Paula is actually their step-mother since they were 6 and 8 years old. Greg is 42, Emily is 41, Bobbie (DIL) is 49. Bradley, our natural child, is 31. But that distinction was never an issue as My Paula is basically the only mother they have ever known. She loved, relished, and cherished that position so never made the distinction either. The children were hers and she was "MOMZ". This is still hard on them too so their reluctance is acknowledged and understood. I do open-up to Emily and Bobbie often. They acknowledge that and offer kind words in return. Perhaps that will have to be enough instead of my longing for more. Bradley is another situation. I have yet to talk to him since mid-summer. He is bitter and internally conflicted by almost everything. I have no influence there but do try regularly to touch-base with him and will continue to do so. All that being said, I realize this is a singular, long, lonely process that I must, for the most part, learn to manage alone. Never accepting fully as it causes too much pain, but managing as best I can to compromise between truth and reality verses my sanity and peace-of-mind. I have no doubt My Paula, Momz, Mamaw, will long be remembered. She had that effect on all who knew her. We are all so fortunate to have been a part of her life and her a part of ours. A more compassionate, loving, giving, caring, selfless person I have never known. And I miss her so terribly each and every day. Thank you all again as I struggle so greatly with this, just as you. Chris

Appreciate the encouragement especially tonight. I have been at one of my lowest points in months tonight. Crying until my face hurts from grieving and missing My Paula so greatly. I need someone to explain to me why this happened to My Paula. Why her? Why any of the multitude of unanswerable questions that constantly plague and taunt me so mercilessly? And the loneliness that invades every pore of me without My Paula. I am finding this all almost unbearable again. No idea what to do, how to act, how to live this way, or even how to be. Everything, every move, every effort is meaningless without My Paula. Talking to our daughter Emily earlier tonight. She commented on how well I handled myself and inter-acted with the family last night at the tree gala. Little did she know of the agony that lay just beneath the surface. Is it "good" that I am getting better at hiding my true self from everyone or not? It comes at a very high toll internally. Sacrificing my true emotional state for their sake is hard business to maintain. They expect and deserve my best. Little do they know the price paid for that. I am so very tired and emotionally drained I am delirious. Need to rest but know that is impossible, and probably so for the rest of the night unless I cry myself to sleep again. I am so completely exhausted all the time from having to live this way. And tomorrow brings more of the same sadness and loneliness.

Thank you Mary. As I stated earlier, "Big talk...". trying desperately to cope. Not very successfully though. Today, 8 months ago, I had to admit My Paula to the hospital. Or was it 8 days ago. Or 8 hours ago. All still too fresh and raw. I just thought I was doing better. Chris

Had a very nice time at the tree lighting. Being postponed for a week the crowds were smaller and the weather co-operated. Cool but not cold. Due to chemo, My Paula just couldn't abide the cold. I know she was there to enjoy the family 's time spent together. Don't have the heart to send Christmas cards this year. And Jan, My Paula and I did exactly the same thing. As you all know, just too emotionally difficult. No one who hasn't gone through this trauma has a real clue as to the depths of loneliness those of us who have experience on a daily basis. They can empathize but never truly comprehend or understand. I think that when the 5 generations of family are here Christmas eve, I want each daughter, grand-daughter, and great grand-daughter to select one item each from My Paula's assets for a keep-sake. Whether it be a ring, a pin, earrings, necklace, clothing, whatever. These items were special to My Paula and I know she would be pleased to share with her distaff heirs. Keeping all this under lock-and-key is doing no one any good. Even me as everything reminds me of her. Have also decided to gift each person with a framed 8" x 10" photo of that person taken with My Paula. Hopefully not to morose a gesture. I feel the need to do this to continuate her memory and help me in the process. Things like My Paula's wedding dress, and many other very special items, I will keep. We were so sentimentally attached to particular items for particular reasons. Each evokes a special memory of the wonderful lives we shared and a special moment in time. Other items, such as her toiletries, her delicates, her daily living items, I intend to leave just as they are. I know that without these "things" the house will seem even lonelier, colder, and more sad by their absence. Hanging on to the mundane is my only connection to the wonderful day-to-day lives we shared. A connection that hurts so deeply and so greatly missed, yet one I can not dismiss. The potential pain of seeing these trivial items far outweighs their being gone and missing. I just can't erase the imprint of any trace of My Paula in my life, or this house built just for her. I know My Paula will be pleased at this feeble effort to maintain my connection with her. My Paula placed her "stamp" on every square inch of her "nest" and I intend to maintain that presence. I want, need, her to feel at home when she comes to look in on me. Big talk for someone still experiencing the extreme highs and lows of grief and depression. I am hoping that some sense of normalicy will provide a certain level of steadiness in the sea of unbridled emotions. Chris

After a very trying day, and no sleep at all for 36 hours, I find the best temporary relief is to find or discover something good, nice, or unexpected. I did manage to wrap, box, and ship the Christmas packages that had to go out-of-state. Very hard to do emotionally but I did accomplish it. My Paula is proud of me! Got home later this afternoon to see the icy grip on our beautiful Pear tree had released. The tree has sprang back to shape without a single broken branch. I was really concerned I would be forced to take a chain-saw to it. The majority of trees in our area suffered greatly as I heard and saw tree trimmers everywhere I went today. Pick-up sized piles of broken trees everywhere. And lastly, I have decided to go to the tree lighting ceremony and be with family instead of the Hospice Memorial. The tree ceremony was the last social outing My Paula and I attended last year. We had a wonderful time then, and for a short while, My Paula was NOT a cancer patient which she enjoyed greatly. I'm thinking that being surrounded by family, in a festive atmosphere, to be a better option. None of the family was willing to go to the memorial with me and I am still to emotionally fragile to face that alone. In fact tears are welling just typing this post. It is going to be extremely hard either way, isn't it. Hopefully I can rest some tonight. Chris

I just spent 30 minutes composing a very long ranting post only to have the computer shut itself down for who knows what. The story of my life recently. So given THAT wasted time and effort I quit.

Good advice ladies. Thank you. I did have scrambled eggs, biscuits and gravy, jelly and milk last night. Tasted good even if I say so. I know I should eat more regularly but more often than not don't have the energy or desire to prep anything. My Paula was an absolute master in the kitchen. I try, when I can, to emulate her easy style and manner. Heard from my brother in Fayetteville Ar. of 6" - 8" of snow from the same system that produced 1" - 2" of ice here. Still iced in but the temp is supposed to get above freezing here today. Our poor tree is still drooping and sagging to the ground. Our daughter Emily is really big into "juicing". I'm not quite ready for that. Over the last year I have lost over 50# and feel much better for it. Caring for My Paula exclusively for the 3 years prior to April sent me into an almost completely sedentary lifestyle. Not good, but now changing when I do feel the urge to eat. These random thoughts of My Paula do keep coming and going. I have decided that no matter the effect, I much prefer that to no thoughts at all. One of my great fears is of having no thoughts at all. Despite crying myself to sleep last night, I did get some rest. Subsequently feeling a little better this morning. Don't know how long that will last but I do need the break from the other grim reality. Appreciate all who listen and care to respond to my sad lonely pliants. Being all over the place emotionally, I am sure this is hard for some to follow. I know how hard it is for me. Once again, you Ladies have come to my rescue. Where would we all be except for the compassion of like souls? Chris

Besides the tree itself, there has been a pair if nesting blue jays taking residence it this tree for almost 10 years. My Paula and I loved having them on the property and watch their daily routines. Not having the tree for them to nest in bothers me in-ordinately. These little things seem to upset me greatly. Having no control over much seems to be the sticking point for me. Being iced in again yesterday, I spent the afternoon in my shop working. Coming in around 6pm, I realized I hadn't eaten but was not hungry at all. A throbbing headache accompanied by blurred double vision got my attention. Took a couple of aspirins and called our daughter, Emily. She suggested I eat something. Still not hungry. Took a couple more aspirins and fell asleep in my chair. Woke at 8:30 by the phone. I felt better but still not hungry. Vision better. Headache gone. Emily contacted me again and admonished me for not eating. Cooked a small pizza and could only eat 3 pieces. Went to bed but couldn't sleep. Still awake a 2:30 am. The point being that due to most circumstances being beyond my control, I have a very hard time managing this so-called life. Cried for My Paula after talking to Emily. Tears in my eyes as I tried to sleep last night. A permeating sadness surrounds my every waking moment and movement. I miss My Paula to the extreme and have no clue as to how best deal with this all-encompassing pall. I don't care that I don't eat. I don't care that I'm not hungry. I just don't care. Still iced in again today. Maybe tomorrow. Until then I am alone in our house with My Paula. Did I mention just how greatly I miss her? Chris

Got iced in here last night and early this morning. About 1/2" of sheet ice on everything. As the trees had yet to shed their leaves the ice accumulated on them and the additional weight has broken most of the large limbs of our Bradford Pear in the front yard. We loved that tree and many commented on the beautiful shape and enormous size. The canopy covered a 40' radius. Now it will most likely need to be cut down. And the power was off for hours last night and again for about 4 hours this afternoon. I got cold which is most unusual. The furnace pilot went out. Tonight the Christmas lights didn't come on. Looks like a broken tree branch took them out. Going to be in the low teens tonight and low twenty's tomorrow so I cant check for another couple of days. More ice and possibly snow forecast for tomorrow. All these little things I find throw me into a tailspin. Every little thing sets me off and pushes me over the edge. Blown way out of proportion. I know this tenseness and feeling of impending doom is from My Paula being gone. Without her I feel as if I have no control over any aspect of this miserable loneliness called life. I just don't have the will or desire to face too many more of these set backs. There is very little joy in me for this my first Christmas alone. I can feel the absence of My Paula in my daily life and I miss her so. It saddens me to be without her here, to take care of her, and share her favorite time of year with. So I sat in the cold and darkness alone today, missing and crying for My Paula. Tearing up even now. I just don't know how much more I can take. I fully understand the reason for Christmas depression now. What a horrible means of enlightenment. I would prefer ignorant bliss if My Paula could just be here with me, or me with her. Chris

Thank you all for the support. I am struggling with all these emotional tsunamis. Tomorrow night was to be our city's community Christmas celebration and tree lighting event. My Paula and I loved to go. Due to the inclement weather (cold rain and icy conditions), this event has been postponed until next Thursday night. The same night and time of the Hospice Memorial service. As suggested, I don't really want to go to the Hospice event alone and all the children have been reluctant to commit to going with me. I certainly can't be both places so am faced with yet another conundrum. The family all want to go to the tree lighting, and I certainly can't blame them. We have a great time there. In fact, it was at our insistence that we all began going to the tree lighting. The Hospice Service is RSVP with a reception/social afterwards. Don't have much time to decide. Seems there is always some sort of snag waiting around every corner. It probably shouldn't, but these types of issues still upset me greatly. Personal desires and longings verses family commitments. And the family is of utmost importance to me, especially now. What to do. What to do. Maybe a solution will present itself before it is too late. I just don't know right now. Chris

In the grand scheme of things, taking pictures is no great thing. I just wanted to be able to share what had been accomplished without My Paula's in-put for the first time. And being overly emotional over such a seemingly trivial matter just upset me, and still does. I did manage to get out yesterday for a short shopping binge. Tiring but satisfying too. My Paula always did most of the Christmas shopping and I am impressed with the efforts she obviously put into getting it done. I just have to tough-it-out from now on. And not having My Paula to shop for saddens me greatly. These last few years when money was so tight I enjoyed looking for the simple personal item that I knew would please her. But of course anything pleased her as we did for each other out of love, not the pocket-book. For the first time in 35 years I don't even have that to look forward to. I miss My Paula so greatly. I'm somewhat lost and over-whelmed so far this first year without My Paula. None of this seems real. Like I'm trapped in someone else's life. A really bad one at that. Surrealistic at best. The hospice is having a seasonal memorial service next week for survivors and families. Not sure I could hold-up should I decide to go. Very mixed emotions on that. Cold, rain, possible icy conditions headed our way tonight through Sunday. I love the cold weather but only because My Paula and I always snuggled up to a roaring fire and waited it out together. Not the same alone. Damn, I miss My Paula! Chris

By all means Kay, rest your neck. I know all any of you say to be true. I have to find that truth for myself. Greg, Bobbie, and grandson Ronnie came today to do the outside decorations and lights with me. A nice day and a nice visit. Tonight they wanted to see pictures so I tried. Nothing like failing miserably to put one in one's place. Horrible pics. This upset me so I just fell apart knowing how well My Paula could have done with such a simple task. I can't imagine feeling more useless than right now. Daughter Emily sent pics from her adventures last night and again from earlier tonight. She sent pics forwarded to her from our grand-daughter and her family from thanksgiving in Ohio. And I can't even get one decent shot of our house. This upsets and disappoints me greatly. What must My Paula be thinking of my abilities to survive without her when I can't even take a decent picture? Or feed myself regularly? (Haven't eaten today - not hungry at all) Or do laundry? Or Christmas shopping? Or any of the hundreds of things I must do daily just to survive? On a happier note My Paula did come and ring the doorbell twice yesterday and again twice today. "Courage" and " Inspiring" are hardly words I would attribute to me. Stumbling and bumbling seem more appropriate. As I said last night , having another hard day and night. Chris