KarenK

So nice, Nash. Thank you.

Kay, I think each one of us has been to our own private hell and back. The important thing is that we made it back and as you said, we have each other. Luv Ya

Gwen, you are sweet to worry about me. I can weather this storm. I just have to stop waiting for an apology that's never going to happen. Don't you go dragging up your demons. You have enough pain. I was not horrid. I left that up to him. I was a bit horrid in my first marriage. More immature and confused, I think. We both were. Those apologies have long since been made and accepted. We are still friends. Heck, we were married 57 years ago. Need to get this tv off the Classic Country music channel. Way too many memories.

Gwen, that's my laugh for the day😄 My mom didn't want a tomboy either. I remember when Debbie was born and my mom thought she could finally have her "girly girl". Didn't work. She was a cowgirl through and through.

Marg, it brings to mind this Longfellow poem: There was a little girl Who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, She was very, very good But when she was bad She was horrid. There were countless times when he was kind, loving, and caring and countless times when he was the opposite. I just have to blend the two. I don't remember my parents fighting. It just wasn't something they would have done in front of me, but I remember him yelling. He had a real temper, the kind that blinded him. One time he slapped me from one end of the cabin to the other because I snuck out with a boy. He was humming as he did it. I was 13 and dumber than dirt at the time. Had no idea what "sin" I'd supposedly committed. He had his hidden demons too. I remember asking my mother why she ran like a scared rabbit when he got mad. She never ran again. I loved both my parents.

Marg, I'm glad for Kelli's sake that this is finally being addressed. She does sound like a Wonder Woman to want to be able to help others. I hope she is able to heal a bit now. We all somehow learn to carry our burdens.....

Maybe I should have never put it out there. It's just been cooped up inside for a very long time, though it's unfair that the other person is not here to defend himself. Perhaps the thing that hurts the most is that I lived with him over 40 years, and yet he never knew or believed what was in my heart. I was not perfect, but his head was filled with things that were so untrue. I just want to scream "How could he think that about me?" . There will never be any answers.

No snakes or lizards for me. I remember the boys pulling heads off grasshoppers. Yuk! We played Cowboys and Indians a lot. I remember climbing a wooden fence and jumping off and hitting the old wire clothesline at neck level. Almost broke my neck and had a red welt across my throat. Ah, the good ol' days.

Thank you for that Gwen and Marg. I'm not brave or noble, just a woman with a broken heart who needed to tell her story among friends in hopes that some would understand.

I don't have to think very hard about his reasoning. His ex wife was a stewardess when they married. She went to work for the Navy Dept. and evidently couldn't pass up any man in a uniform. She became a heroin addict and tried to stab him to death. He kicked her through the closet door. She left after charging all the credit cards to the max. They divorced.(sounds like a crime story) I don't think I knew all this before we married. I was definitely not like her. Not proud of it, but I was unfaithful during my first marriage. No excuse except I was 17 yrs. old, husband in the Coast Guard, gone out to sea a lot and I was lonely. I never saw it coming. I became friends with a Navy guy living next door. We started playing tennis together and before I knew it, it became more. I was so stupid. I thought the guy loved me. I had the baby, but not the maturity to be married. We were together 9 rocky years. Of course relating that to Ron was part of my honesty I mentioned. I was not that 17 yr. old girl anymore. One last thing......I had been crazy about a guy who worked in my building, very short fling, before I ever met Ron. I wasn't crazy about him anymore, but couldn't avoid running into him in the building. We were still friends. I guess all of these things combined set off a time bomb in Ron's mind. Those years were awful and at times I thought I'd lose my mind. My mother was the only one who knew all this, but there was nothing she could do except love me. She was my best friend. My daughter knew part of it and stayed until she was 15, then went to Ky to live with her dad. I knew why she left. I never told Ron because he loved her and I didn't want to hurt him. When I went to see her for the last time, she apologized for leaving me alone with him. She said she couldn't stand the yelling and the way he treated me and Gram. I assured her she had nothing to apologize for. She was a frightened child. I always felt awful for putting her through all that. I put someone else before my child and that was so wrong. I'm so glad you and Billy were able to work things out and have many happy years. It just wasn't in the cards for us, I guess. I hope I haven't offended anyone by telling this long horrible tale. There's so much more I can't tell. I've never told anyone before now.

Marg, my heart goes out to you. As I read your story, I was reading mine without the "Katie bar the door". My desire for ANY relationship had long been stomped out. Not too long after we were married, he became someone I didn't know. For 20-25 years I was followed, accused, scrutinized 24/7, yelled at, put down with nasty remarks and name calling, just never hit physically. There was a time period where I was required to keep a log of every conversation(time, content, length, & person involved) and show it to him every day. I had NEVER given him any reason not to trust me. Just the fact I worked with engineers and technicians was enough. If my father had been alive, he would have simply had him erased. I can't mentally stand to relive all the horrible crazy things he did to me. Just one example....He never believed Robert was his son. I told him unless it was an immaculate conception, he definitely was. I refused to get a paternity test because it was stupid and expensive. He hounded me for 20 years. Finally I said screw it. I told him to use the tax refund, take Robert and get the damn test. It was 99.9% positive. He said he was told 100% would only happen if the mother was tested too, so he was mad because I didn't get tested. What for??? I knew I was his mother. I was so embarrassed in front of my 20 year old son. What would he think of his mother? That was a tiny example of the way I was treated. He was like a dog with a bone. Once he got an idea in his head, it stayed forever. I wasn't allowed to go to work functions outside the office unless he was there. Any people I called friends backed off. It was just the two of us alone in this house, him yelling, me cowering or tuning it out. One day I found my backbone again and said "F...you" after a particularly nasty accusation. It didn't change things, but at least he knew he couldn't hurt me any more. It took me more time to find that courage than it did you. I know there were a few good years in there somewhere because when he started having heart trouble, I couldn't leave. Some part of me still cared. I still care today. I don't know what went wrong. The biggest mistake I ever made was being honest with him about my life before we met. I truly think he went to his grave thinking somewhere in those 40 years, I cheated on him. I never did. Now you have the whole sordid story. I don't need to watch soap operas. I lived one.

Didn't know where to post this, but thought it was kind of neat. I ordered 40 lbs. of dog food from Wal-Mart last night. Got an email that it was delivered with an accompanying photo of where they left it. New feature I guess, but handy. Sometimes I accidentally find packages in the dirt by the mailbox or outside the front door in plain sight. Fed Ex is the only one that puts them by the carport door and gives a knock. At least Wal-Mart put it there. Another thing Wal-Mart started doing is delivering whatever part of your order is available at "your Walmart" right from the store. Faster delivery, no delivery truck. I guess they hire people to use their own vehicles.

Kay, I would never downplay anyone's abusive situation. I had no purple bruises on the outside, just many years of mental abuse. There were times he drove me to the edge, but I stayed whether out of love, fear, strength, or stupidity, I don't know. I guess the type of couple I was referring to is a lot smarter than I was. The going got tough so they got going. There's nothing in those marriage vows that says anything about letting your spouse physically or mentally abuse you. I too watched both my kids endure abusive relationships until they couldn't. At least they stayed for a while and made an effort like your kids. I'm proud of them for that. I'm sure I was seeing it from my perspective when I told my granddaughter there are no perfect marriages. I don't know why they divorced. He seemed like a nice kid to me, but I didn't live their life. None of my business. Not that it matters, but sometimes I wonder what my life would have been had I been more mature and stayed with Debbie's dad. He was a nice guy and is to this day. I just fell out of love, I guess and didn't put much effort into saving the marriage. Way too much water under the bridge.....

I have an expensive(but very old now) Bose speaker system and Onyko receiver that Ron installed many years ago. After he left, some part of the setup quit working. I couldn't afford to have it checked out or replace anything. Robert & David are very good with computers, but know nothing about sound systems, so Robert bought a sound bar for the tv last year. It sounds okay, but I miss the sound of helicopters landing in the room. lol Western have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I've seen them all, series and movies. When other 7yr. old girls were playing with dolls, I was sporting six guns, chaps, and a cowboy hat. My first love was Roy Rogers. I ended up marrying one of the indians😄

Funny you should mention the Gunsmoke gang. I was listening to the Country Classic music channel and they played "Tumbling Tumbleweeds". I didn't know until years later that Festus was part of Sons Of The Pioneers. He had a beautiful voice. Sad, but so many singers of that era are gone now. I can only listen to it for so long . I start to feel sad and have to change the channel.

Same here, one for the tv and cable box, one for the sound bar, one for the blu-ray. No way to combine them into one. I still only have my old Trac phone from 2008, long dead. I just don't need a cell phone. Who would I call? I only used it in Kentucky or at my cabin. No texting for me either. Don't understand why that's become so important (there I go being old again). I'd rather have a live conversation.

Marg, you're crazy but in a good way. lol Don't feel bad. All I use on my Kindle is the Internet and email. I went to watch a DVD earlier and couldn't figure out how to change the tv mode to watch dvd's. Guess I haven't used the player for a while. Every time the cable upgrades the box, there's a new remote. Robert showed me how, but I'll probably forget if I don't use it often.

I hear Ron's voice every time I check my land line voice mail. It doesn't really make me sad. It's almost as if he's standing next to me. I also have a box of those home movies from long ago up in the closet. I think they're from an 8mm movie camera. I have the screen and projector, but don't ask me how to use it. It's been way too long. I think I even have a couple of 16 mm reels my father took of me as a baby. Now that's what you call old and probably as faded out as I feel most days.

Kay, how very special! I can feel your happiness.

Maybe I overstepped there or maybe it's just the semantics that get to me. lol To me a "break" is what you take for coffee for 15 min. And "space" is infinite. Believe me, I lived the "hell on earth" for a a lot of years and many times I wished he'd just go away for a bit for the peace and quiet. Little did I know..... Who am I to judge? Marriage is hard and takes work and compromise. IMHO, you don't take a "break" or "space" because he or she put the toilet paper roll on backwards. I'll shut up now😊

Maybe it's just me or my generation, but I don't understand this "taking a break" or "needing space" from the one you are supposed to love. I'm not talking about taking a drive, shopping all day, or dinner out with the girls or guys. I'm talking about today's couples who feel they need a week or a month or more away. To me, that's just a cop out saying "I'm done with you", "there's somebody else", "I don't want to be with you anymore". To me, that's a separation. Why be dishonest? Sure, there were lots of times we got on each other's nerves, but we didn't need a month to get over it or leave the other person wondering. I don't get it. If they only knew.

This may sound stupid and I don't know if men think about this, but being a woman, I'd almost be afraid to go out with a stranger. I'm not near as strong and fast as I used to be and what if he turned out to be a serial killer or rapist. To be truthful, I'm not real good at reading people. Ron was, but I kind of take people at face value. I watch and read way to many crime stories, I guess. Good thing I'm not really interested. I definitely wouldn't want to live with someone new.

Ginger Snaps are supposed to help nausea. The BRAT diet(bananas-rice -applesause) for diarrhea. Hope that lets up soon, Gwen.

Fate is a funny thing, Nash. I've told this before, but I met Ron sitting at a stoplight on the way to a friend's house. He looked over and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink. I told him no. Then I did something I'd NEVER done before and definitely wouldn't do in this day and age. After all, he was kind of cute and had a hot car so I asked him if he wanted to follow us to a club and go dancing. For some reason, I gave him my real name and #, which I never did. We went out twice. The second time he came home with me and stayed for 41 years. We married 2 months later knowing very little about one another. Very different personalities and backgrounds, through many ups and downs, we managed to stay together all those years. He taught me about life and love and there's very few things about those years I would change. In my heart, I knew he was a good man. One of a kind.

I had a very strong bond with my father, at times almost like an ESP. In 1977, he suffered an abdominal aneurysm. As I walked beside the gurney to the ambulance holding his hand, I said "I'm right here, daddy". He replied "I know you are". Those were the last words he ever spoke. I dreamed of him frequently. We would have conversations. At some point he would say "You know I can't stay" and I would tell him I knew. I wasn't unbearably sad because I knew he'd return. Those dreams were so real, I'd swear he was standing at the end of the bed. It's funny, but I don't recall talking much with my mother about his death, but I know she was crushed and like so many of us, thought she could run from the deadly silence of the house. I remember her taking a lot of trips to visit relatives around the country and one trip to Europe. After Ron died, I felt ashamed that I never really talked to her about how she felt. At his death, it was all about "me". He was my father. I never thought about the fact he was her husband until it happened to me. I didn't dream of Ron for a long time. Then when I finally did, he was angry, a demeanor he exhibited toward me during many years of our life together. Finally that anger is gone. In dreams I have of him now, we seem to be more like the couple we were when we married. Maybe he is finally at peace now. As far as signs of his presence or that he's watching over me, that's never happened. I'm old enough to be your mother, Nash and like Gwen, I'm not dead. I just don't have the energy or desire to do it all over again. Besides, I can't fathom going out with a 75-80 year old man. 😄