KarenK

LOL Jan! I found that with Windows 8, if you find something or figure out how to do something, you better write it down or you'll never find it again. I hate this dang Windows 8. So inconvenient!!! Karen

I had what would have been the perfect "Kodak Moment" today, but alas, no camera was ready. I dropped off some things at my son's house today & as I was hugging him goodbye, Tatum decided to make it a "group hug". I am 5' tall & my grandson is 6" tall. As I was on tiptoes hugging him, she came up behind me & stood with her paws on his shoulders enveloping me. It was a real hoot. I think she's buttering me up for Christmas treats. Karen

I must apologize for not being more active in the conversations lately. I am just having a lot of "blah" days. Not for any particular reason, maybe the holiday blues, who knows? I find myself falling asleep at random in the old recliner. I don't know why. I certainly don't do anything to make myself tired. I almost dread leaving the house, even for short trips to the grocery store & library. I forced myself to attend my widows group meeting last night & then had a stupid meltdown while I was there, but they understand, just as all of you do. I am constantly plagued with nightmares, mostly about my mother's long suffering aphasia before she blessedly passed away 7 years ago at the age of 96. These are not new. I've been having them for a long, long time. Not that I was ever really in control of a given situation, but I always felt that I was the one in the family that could "take care" of things. I remember saying that to Ron so many times when problems arose. But in reality, I could not take care of what happened to my mother or my husband & I can't take care of what's happening to my daughter. It is such a feeling of helplessness. Anne, I know how difficult your anniversary must have been, but I hope it brought only happy memories. Fae, I also loved George & Gracie. I no longer have them, but had a collection of Red Skelton & Victor Borge, & Johnny Carson. That was a time period when comedy was still clean. I get a variety of movies to watch from the library plus I still have a collection of at least 400 DVD's. I've already sold about 200 since Ron died. So, please bear with me as I find my way through the labyrinth. Karen

Jan, What a grand gift Pete presented you with, this Christmas. My new computer, which I had to buy a couple of months ago, has Windows 8. It is not a laptop & I did not buy a new touch screen, so I don't care much for Windows 8. I'm sure it works much easier with a touch screen, though. And what a nice idea you chose for Pete's gift. After Ron died, my son-in-law's employer, whose is also my daughter's former employer, offered to make a sizeable donation in Ron's name to a charity of my choice. I chose St. Jude Children's Research Hospital in Memphis, Tenn. I know Ron would have liked that. Karen

Beautiful thoughts, Mary. And yes, Jan our planet has a miraculous recovery plan, if we, as humans, would only allow it. Fae, I lived in Colter Bay which is on Jackson Lake about 20? miles south of Yellowstone. My folks worked for the Grand Teton Lodge Co. During the time we were there, there was a devastating earthquake which caused a mountain to partially collapse on the campground below, burying hundreds of people forever. It also changed the lay of the land & submerged roads. Those are the two things I remember most, although I'm sure there was a multitude of other damage. We lived in a tiny travel trailer & in the middle of the night the quake slung it from side to side. My dad thought a bear was rocking the trailer & went outside with his gun & discovered all the other residents. We didn't find out it was a quake until a few hours later. The odd thing about this was that my dad was the bartender that year at the local "tap room"(my folks had a different job assignment each year) & the fisherman had been relating stories to him about catching huge fish for about 3 weeks previous to the quake. We surmised that heat at the lake bottom had been driving the larger fish to the surface. I know that animals are very susceptible to nature's changes. Karen

Wow Jan, Thought you had a twin for a minute, right down to the picture. Welcome, Wifflesnook!! I am actually "Wolfen" on the Cancer Survivors Network. Wolves are my favorite animals. Karen

I doubt we could get Tatum to stand still long enough to brush her teeth. Her main speed is "run". LOL I do think I'll get her some Milkbones for Christmas. I will try & get a current picture, too. Robert said yesterday that she won't stop growing. He is 6" tall & when she stands, her paws are on his shoulders. Maybe we missed the "Great Dane" part of her. LOL Karen

Harry, Send cookies & scones! Just kidding. Beautiful video. I will have to bring it to the attention of my son, the Science major. Kay, What a great story on conquering your fears. My granddaughter is also afraid to drive, even though she passed driving instruction & tests. She won't get behind the wheel & they live in a very tiny town. I hope I haven't told this story before, but it is one that took a bit of courage for me. I have loved horses all my life. When we lived in Wyoming & I was 11, I hung around the riding stables at the resort my parents worked for. I had never been on a horse, but was pretty good with a shovel. One day, I was asked to lead a group of horses about a mile down the road to the water trough. I didn't want to miss my chance by appearing inexperienced, so the wrangler threw me up on a big white horse bareback & handed me the lead rope. I didn't even have boots, just flip-flops. The six horses & I made it safely to the trough. I dismounted & the big white horse immediately stepped on my foot. Fortunately it was muddy there, so no damage done. Climbed on the fence to get back on the horse for the return trip. The next day, my mother drove us into Jackson & bought me a pair of boots. I became one of the wranglers for the next four years. You couldn't keep me off a horse. Sort of unrelated, but this brings to my mind my little mother hand washing dirty jeans in our metal bathtub. We couldn't afford a laundromat. As you say, Jan, we now have to acquaint ourselves with some jobs that our husband usually did. I have always done the yard work & household chores, even some fix-it things, but when it comes to cars, I'm lost. Even something as simple as putting air in the tires. My son does the oil changes for me, now. A couple of my tires are low, & Ron would just run over to the gas station & pump them up. I've probably watched him a hundred times. But I think it's probably time to rotate the tires, another chore which he would get done automatically whenever it was time. So on Monday, I'm going to venture to Discount Tire for this job. I know these tires have some service contract on them. It's funny & sometimes sad when we realize just how many little things our spouses did for us or provided instructions for us to do, which we probably took for granted. Karen

Fae, So nice to hear of the special gift box you received from friends. I know there will be many items you will treasure. What a great surprise! Oh Kay, I know you're having a heck of a time w/o insurance. I don't mean to complain. It's just that my finances passed overload a while back. Yes, I have insurance. I have Medicare as my primary & United Healthcare(for which I pay dearly) as my secondary. Even at that, it seems that there are always leftover balances. I was fortunate during my employed years with the phone company as they paid all the health & life insurance premiums. It even continued that way until 2009, when the union & company bargained to stop paying for retirees coverage, although the plan is still managed by Centurylink(the current name of the phone company, which went through 4 name changes during my employment). Next year they are dropping our secondary coverage altogether, & are supposed to present us with alternatives. I have already asked my son to attend the meeting with me explaining the alternatives. He is much more quick witted than I am when it comes to understanding things. Just another "perk" of old age, I suppose. Karen

Deborah, I'm so sorry to hear that your little tree toppled & especially that some of your most treasured ornaments were broken. Like you, I debated with myself over whether I was even going to put up my tiny tree. I have so many treasured decorations from all our many years of collecting. I reluctantly sold almost half of them, knowing I would probably never again have need of them. I still retained 20 large boxes of stuff. Selling things like that is like carving a little more away from a heart that is already severely damaged, but I do what I must to survive. I doubt there will be a Christmas in my future where I will be putting up a large real tree again. Despite all that, I put up my tiny tree surrounded by small ceramic angels & my 2 large angels which sit out year round & I hung a wreath inside on the back door. That's it for me. I decided I was going to try & enjoy the holiday as best I could & I told Ron that as I put up the tree. "Why" is a mind boggling word. For some "whys", there are easy answers, causes & effects, & for some there are none. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but as far back as I can remember, long before Ron died, my life has followed the pattern of "no good deed goes unpunished". After a while, I just learned to accept these things. Not all of them, mind you, just some. I guess it's just life's way of letting you know that you really aren't in charge of any given situation. I have yet to figure out WHO is. As an afterthought.........When I finished my meager decorating, which I thought was a positive event for me, my washer decided for some reason to leak water all over my utility room, which was definitely not a positive event. Inconvenient, but easy to remedy with a few old towels. Have a repair appt. set up which fortunately is covered under maintenance agreement. The bright spot is that I had finished my laundry. I am not making light of your sadness & disappointment. I know that when we are desperately trying to heal from the grievous wound which we have each received, that everything else unfortunate that happens to us is magnified as we now face it alone. Karen

Well, Dang! It's not like I don't have enough on my plate as it is, & now I get to create another doctor bill in addition to all the others I'm struggling to pay. Last week, my doc did blood & urine tests, sort of a standard thing for him, & they called today to tell me that I have blood in my urine. Maybe this is part of what's making me so tired all the time. I really just thought it might be the anxiety pill, so I decided to cut that in half. I don't feel like I have a bladder infection. I had my one & only of those back in April of this year. So, what the heck. They are referring me to a urologist & I see $$$ again. Will keep you posted. Karen

Thank you, Anne, for sharing your heart. I know it is filled with pain like no other. I hope that by sharing it, the pain will lessen even if only a tiny bit. I have been in a funk for a few weeks now with my anniversary on Nov. 19, followed by Thanksgiving, & now Christmas approaching. I am doing my best to pick up a few gifts for my son & grandson, for I am all they have left now. My daughter & family will get small gift cards. She is surrounded by family on her dad's side, & I know they will have a big celebration. I would not make a good counselor. As you know, I belong to Cancer Survivors Network. It took everything I had to bite my tongue yesterday when a young woman posted about being tired & frustrated because her husband, who is dying of leukemia, was not pulling his weight with the family chores. She complained that he almost never did the dishes or took out the garbage & was not appreciative of her. I almost asked her who was going to do these things after he died. She complained that most of the time he rests. When did she forget that he is the stay-at-home- dad for the children, as she said. I don't know, I guess it just hit me wrong & made me angry. Here we all sit wishing we had that opportunity again, to be tired, frustrated, sometimes not appreciated, yet still had that one person we loved most in the world by our sides. I guess that was my rant for the day. Karen

Chris, I'm so proud of you for taking care of the out of town packages. I'm having a difficult time just shopping for my son & grandson. It breaks my heart to visit the men's dept. in a store. Sometimes I feel like I'm going in reverse on this thing called grieving, but I know I must move forward for the living. I will have to wait for my SS check next week to get gift cards for my out of town daughter & family. I'm glad you decided to go the tree lighting & hope your weather cooperates. I hope you & your family have a nice time. I know my son & grandson love me, but we almost never see each other. In truth, not much different than before Ron died. I guess, as we've discussed before, they don't really understand what this loneliness is like. And yes, it is hard either way, But I know Paula will be watching over all of you. Karen

Memories................. I'm not really sure what brought this on, my current bout of sadness. Perhaps it was talking with my daughter about Christmas Past & how much all of our lives have changed, perhaps it was Harry's wonderful post of "Three Years" & how he is determined to carry on bravely as he promised Jane, perhaps it was Kay's finding that special card from George. Some of you were able to spend those last few moments with a spouse who was reassured of your love & knew that you were there. Some of us were not. But then it brought to mind a few days before Ron died. He was on a vent & could not speak. In his few conscious times, he struggled so hard to remain lucid & communicate. I had brought a small notepad & pen in case he wanted to try & write words. But he struggled so to hold the pen. The marks were mostly chicken scratches as his mind & motor functions gave out. There was a tiny line which was decipherable as "My name is Ron." But the one I treasure most is one word "W I F E". He must have written it while I had stepped out of the room & he was looking for me. At least that's how I'm going to think of it. Not too long after that he slipped into unconsciousness, never to see us again. I can't write any more through the tears. Karen

Jan, I don't know if it was on the US news, but my son was aware of it when I mentioned your post to him. He may have seen it on the BBC channel which he watches. Also, my grandson communicates with a girl in London who may have mentioned it. I think I saw an article which said your government may provide funding for cleanup. I hope that it is so. Glad you are enjoying your visit, but understand your need to get back home. Karen

Mary, Funny videos of the dogs & their mortal enemies. LOL Reminds me of Roberts' dog Tatum & my old grouchy cat Batman. Tatum just wants to be friends, but Batman bops her on the nose every time. Kay, I'm sorry, but it does sound like this neighbor is taking advantage of your kindness. After all, he appears to have the means to be responsible for himself. Don't feel badly that you can't rescue him every time. Being neighborly should work both ways. Does he ever offer you any help? It sounds so special that you found George's note today. It sounds so cold where each of you are, especially Fae, but I'm glad you are all safe & warm. Of course, where I am, highs in the 50's & lows in the 30's is cold to me. I was in Kentucky in winter 2008-2009 when they had the worst ice storm in 50 years. The upstairs heating unit was working, but the downstairs went out & we had to wait a week for parts. I went out & bought 2 space heaters & we all bundled up. The landscape along the interstate from her town to Louisville looked like nuclear war where the ice had taken down the trees. It was eerie looking. This was a strange day. I took my anti-anxiety pill last night & about 4 hours later took a pain pill as my stupid jaw is hurting again. I had planned to attend a non denominational church service to see if I might enjoy going to church & making new friends. When I got up, I was a bit groggy, so started to make breakfast & I got very dizzy. Everything got bright & the room was spinning. I sat down quickly in the computer chair for a few minutes with my head laid down & then I tried it again. Same thing happened. After a little more time, I managed to finish making breakfast & pouring coffee. I took it, along with my BP meter to the recliner. My BP was 84/41 & my pulse was 45. I was beginning to think I was a goner there for a few minutes. I definitely didn't take my BP meds. After I managed to eat breakfast, I went back to bed & slept until 4 PM. My BP is back up to a low normal for me 160/70. It usually runs about 90 on the bottom number. So I'm thinking maybe anti-anxiety meds & pain meds don't mix. Don't believe I'll try it again! Tomorrow will be a better day. Karen

Hi Gang, Well, I decided to go look for some Christmas spirit via shopping this afternoon. First mistake: Don't go Christmas shopping late Friday afternoon. Second mistake: Don't expect to find what you're looking for. All kidding aside, I managed to order the hamburger grill press my son has been wanting. Didn't find the jeans I wanted for my grandson. Sorry, I can't afford the price of actual Levi's anymore, so will look elsewhere. I was sort of enjoying looking at everything, but out of nowhere, I felt like someone had poured a big vat of sadness over me & I completely lost interest. Of course, I know where it came from. I was walking around in the men's dept. seeing all those things I would never buy for Ron again. Maybe I'll try again next week. I'm afraid weekend shopping would be horrendous. I'm leaning toward small gift cards for my daughter & her family. I know it's not very personal, but that way they could get something they wanted. Hope all of you are warm & safe. Karen

Jan, So sorry to hear of the tragedy that has struck your village & neighbors. I'm glad no one was injured, but sorry to hear of the poor sheep. I know it will be a mess to clean up. Glad you are safe & warm. Thinking of you, Karen

Just my humble opinion Chris, but if it were me, I would go to the tree lighting. What better way to pay tribute to Paula than to carry on a family tradition with your children. I'm sure the Hospice event will be very nice, but for me would only evoke sadness. We need whatever happiness we can find in our lives. Karen

Me too, Anne. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from the doctor & stocked up on a few things. I already have about 10 movies borrowed from the library stacked up to watch. I don't envy our friends their cold, cold winters, but our summers are a different story. LOL I love snow, but only looking at it from the inside. Karen

Fae, Glad to see that you are home & mostly resting. Sure hope you are snuggled in with the HEAT ON. It's supposed to be bitterly cold in Montana. Take care. Karen

Fae, Just catching up on things & I saw your post. Just so sorry to hear you have landed back in the hospital. What the heck is going on? Any possibility you have injured yourself while moving the wood? Whatever it may be, I'm sending warm thoughts & positive energy your way! I understand your thoughts regarding the hospital all too well. Several of them became my second home for so many years. I know they will take care of you there, though & you will soon be back in your own comfortable home. Please update us when you can. Karen

QMary, So glad all went well with your surgery. I have been thinking about all you brave ladies taking care of your health. I need to go to the Opthamologist also. Have not been in several years & my distance vision is getting worse. I read with the strongest dollar store glasses available, but distance is another matter. At least I've not run over anyone yet. Karen

Well, I have survived the day of my 41st Anniversary. In truth, it was no different than facing any other day. I sort of remain numb out of self preservation, I guess. I had planned to go to the cemetery, but fell asleep in the recliner after very little sleep last night & having to go to the doc early. When I woke up, it was sort of late to go as the freeway starts to back up in the early afternoon. I don't much like freeway traffic unless I'm out of the city on the Interstate. So will go another day. When you think about it, I guess we visit the grave more for ourselves & not our lost loved ones. They don't really care that we are not there as they are not there either. I went to my widows meeting & there were only three of us, so we went to a nearby sports bar for appetizers & drinks. The three of us are not much on drinking, so we just had cokes. They paid for my portion as a gesture to celebrate my anniversary, which I thought was very nice. So, it was a pleasant evening, just being able to sit & talk. My daughter called when I got home to check on me. She is still feeling okay, but was upset because a church friend who also had the same cancer, had died of a heart attack. In addition to the sadness of the death, she is again faced with her own mortality. Weather is predicting rain for us for a few days starting Thurs. Rain here is a "krap shoot". I never believe until I open the door & it is raining. Would welcome the change, though. Would rather be in Montana with Fae watching it snow. Karen

Thank you, Mary, for hearing my plea of sadness. It really helps just to know that someone is listening. Sometimes I hesitate to post because so many of you have positive things happening in your lives. I truly feel like the "Life Grinch", not just a Christmas one. I have put my travel plans on hold, at least until Debbie has her colonoscopy. For now, she is feeling a bit better, just really tired from the episode & of course, worried until the colonoscopy is done & a new chemo plan is developed. The longer you have the cancer, the less options you have. The longer you're off chemo, the more the cancer grows. The more chemo you get, the sicker you are. It's like a merry-go-round that you can never disembark. We should know more what her situation is in a couple of weeks. Then I'll decide what to do. Even though my flight would be covered, there are additional expenses to be addressed. Karen