KarenK

My Friends, It has been a really tough six weeks or so for me, starting with the blasted tooth abscess, bronchitis, & my daughter's hospitalization. I am still not quite up to par as I ache every day, sort of like when you have the flu & I'm exhausted all the time without doing anything. I started again on the anti-depressant & do have a follow up & blood work tomorrow, so may find out something is still out of whack. Have been low on potassium & salt in the past. The doc laughed & told me he didn't usually tell patients to eat salt, but that I needed to. I am more of a pepper person. I know the holidays are tough on all of us, so I need to get my strength back. Tomorrow is my 41st Anniversary, another hard day to get through. After my blood test, I plan to take some flowers to the cemetery to put on Ron's forlorn grave where there is no marker. It is so hard for me to go there as I have so much guilt for not being able to afford a marker. When I sell the cabin, the first thing I plan to do is get a marker. My son & I haven't decided what to fix for Thanksgiving. I am having my tooth pulled two days before. Even so, the holiday cooking(really most all the cooking around here) was Ron's. He was a wonderful cook & so organized. I am like a bull in a china shop when it comes to the kitchen. I remember last year when he was so very sick, he managed to sit in the kitchen & supervise while my son & I fumbled through. He wasn't even able to eat anything, yet wanted to make sure the rest of us had a good meal. Christmas is hard & I sort of lost the spirit when my daughter was diagnosed with cancer in 2008 & I've never really found it again. I watched a Hallmark Channel movie called "The Christmas Ornament", centered around a young widow & the ornaments she & her spouse had given each other over the years. Of course, it had a happy ending as she was young & found a new love. It made me think of all our many Christmas decorations we had collected over the years(37 large boxes worth). I have sold some & am down to about 20 boxes now, but as I sell each piece, a piece of my heart goes with it. It is all part of downsizing, I guess. What do I need with all those things? I will never again purchase a 6' Grand Fern to decorate or set out my beautiful porcelain decorations. It's just not in me anymore. Ron loved Christmas & Christmas music, even more than I did. I especially liked going to the mall & selecting a boy & girl angel off the tree to purchase gifts for the children who had none. I usually chose the young ones as I could shop for the tiny baby clothes. But all that is gone now. There's just no joy. I can't even afford to buy gifts for my small family, much less other children. Perhaps, in time, the anti-depressant will give me a new outlook on life. For now, I just wish the constant sadness would end. Thanks for listening. Karen

What a beautiful story, Deborah, of the starfish & of your love for each other. I have seen no overt signs that Ron is watching over me, but as I think about it, perhaps they are more subtle. As a rule, I am not a person of prayer with one exception, being that I have prayed each night for many years for my daughter to overcome this horrible cancer. Recently when she was hospitalized & docs were unable to determine the cause of her bleeding, I prayed to Ron each night to talk to the "fella up there" & ask him to please not take her from us. Still unexplainable, but she did get better & is home recovering a bit. Who is to say that Ron is not watching over her as he always did? Karen

Do You Believe In Miracles? Not sure what has happened, but I am going to think of it as a miracle, perpetuated by all of you & Debbie's faith in a higher being. I just spoke with her & she sounded like a different person. Her pain is gone. No more bleeding, cramps, diarrhea, nausea. She said "the most wonderful doctor in the world"(her surgeon) had been to see her. He saw nothing major on the CT. He was not sure what had happened, possibly Diverticulitis, or something caused by the Irinotecan chemo, which has given her problems in the past. He's going to suggest a lower dose to the Onc & he's scheduling a colonoscopy in a couple of weeks. He wants her to remain hospitalized today & if things remain stable, she will go home tomorrow. I am speechless & for those of you who know me, that is a miracle in itself. Thank you so very, very much for saving my daughter. Karen

Welcome back to our Mary! Seriously considering flying to Louisville, possibly Thursday. A good friend from CSN generously offered to give me her airline miles. My daughter sounded so weak & in pain today. Still no diagnosis or resolution. Unable to complete tests due to blockage. Her surgeon is SUPPOSED to show up tomorrow. She asked me to wait until she has spoken to him. Did get a call from my doc's office today in response to my email. It seems they could call out but had been having phone problems for 5 days where patients couldn't call in. Am feeling a tiny bit better. Nurse advised me to cut remaining antibiotics in half to get rid of the nausea & headache. Will update when I know more. Thank you for your continued prayers. Karen

My daughter is doing a little better. The bleeding has stopped, but the diarrhea & abdominal cramping remains. Still haven't discovered the cause. The crazy doc asked her if she felt comfortable going home tomorrow in this condition. She told him "NO". She lives 100 miles from the hospital. Makes me angry the way hospitals try to shove you out. Karen

Sorry, I messed up & posted an update on "How We Met" thread. Not very clear headed right now. Karen

Still no good news from my daughter. Docs are leaning away from C-Dif because stool sample was negative. Blood work from her port is growing something, just don't know what, so antibiotic has been switched from oral to IV. Pain & pain meds have increased. So, just waiting for a definitive answer. Called my son to come over for a while as I was very dizzy, possibly from this antibiotic,& anti-depressant combined with my BP meds. Who knows? Didn't want to pass out like I did in January when Ron was in the hospital. Once is enough. Trying to do laundry & take care of business in case I have to leave. Will update as I know more. Karen

Since I am still awake(can't imagine why), this is my story. Sept. 1972, driving to my friend's house to go drinking & dancing at a local club, I stopped at a red light. Nice looking guy pulls up next to me in a hot car & asks if I wanted to go for a drink. Told him "No". He then asked where I was going & could he come along. Please believe me. I had never picked up a stranger before, especially one at a red light. I thought about it for a minute & decided that since my friend, her dad, & 3 kids were home, it might be safe. He followed me, introduced himself, & the 3 of us went in separate vehicles to the club. I made it a habit to never give out my correct phone # to guys, but for some reason, I gave it to him. We danced, had a good time, & sometime during the evening, he went on his way while my friend & I stayed. Three weeks later, he called for a date. My friend & I had plans to go to a party, so I invited him along. We got very drunk. He ended up driving me home, and he stayed for almost 41 years. We married in Nov. 1972. He & a huge part of me died in May of this year. First picture is on our wedding day. Small pictures from sometime in the last 40 years.

She is a 5+ year Colon Cancer fighter, with mets to liver & lungs. Lungs are inoperable due to multitude of tumors. New liver lesion to be addressed following current rounds of chemo for lungs. The side effects of this chemo for her are severe abdominal cramps, nausea, & diarrhea, but has never caused bleeding before. Her spleen was removed earlier this year to bring her white count up to acceptable range for chemo. This was a last resort, but now she has no immunity. She was recently taking 2 antibiotics for a bad cough which her new primary doc did not think was cancer related & the hospital doc thinks these antibiotics caused the C-Dif. Ron prayed & prayed for God to take away Debbie's cancer & give it to him. IMHO, God only answered half of the prayer. Your family & mine have definitely had their portion of sorrow for this year. Karen

I forgot to thank all of you for your prayers & good wishes. With all of us here & Debbie's friends & mine from Cancer Survivors Network, I'm sure it is helping. Thank you for the special prayer in your Kiva, Fae. I am a bit familiar with Native American traditions, mostly related to Hopi, Navajo, & some Cherokee. Ron was my Cherokee-Irishman. I always joked with him about wanting to marry a cowboy, but ended up with one of the Indians. Mary1063, thank you for the Mayo link. I'm so sorry that Shan had to deal with this along with the cancer. Cancer, the gift that just keeps on giving!!! Hope your knee surgery heals rapidly. Grieving is hard enough without being ill at the same time. Because Debbie had her spleen removed, I think she is cautious of crowds. She lives out in the country & isn't around many people, but she is in the infusion center every other week. She's had this cough & chest pain for several weeks, so her new primary doc gave her 2 antibiotics as she didn't think it was related to her tumors, & her current chemo causes severe diarrhea already, so I think it was just too much. Should know tomorrow. Karen

Just a small update. The bleeding has slowed, but cause remains unknown. Doc is treating for C-Diff, although in reading about it, I didn't find that it causes bleeding, but because she has no immune system, who knows. Blood work should be back tomorrow with a more definitive answer. For now, she is on antibiotic & pain is being controlled. Will update when I know more. Spoke with her briefly. She's so very tired of it all. Karen

PRAYERS NEEDED PLEASE! Just got a call from my daughter & hubby. She was taken by ambulance to Louisville with uncontrollable rectal bleeding. She is in ER awaiting pain meds & tests. Still bleeding. We are all very scared. Karen

Well, back from the doc & his vote is bronchitis. Also went for a chest x-ray & then picked up meds. Sort of a double whammy day, I guess. Today it has been 6 months since I lost Ron. I finally broke down & asked the doc for an anti-depressant & sleep aid, neither of which I have ever taken in my 66 years, but I just can't do this anymore. It's just too much losing Ron, worrying about my daughter, so short of money & my uncertain future. I certainly never think of ending my life, but some days I feel like life is ending me. Makes me wonder what those pioneer women did for depression a century or so ago. You can bet they didn't take a pill to make it go away. As you say, Jan, "it is how it is". Karen

Fae, In a way, your post reminded me of the trip my son & I made to St Vincent De Paul a few days after we buried Ron. It was to donate unopened meds, insulin, diabetic & wound supplies, & cases of tube feeding food. As I drove away, the thought hit me that I couldn't give all this away, because it was what was keeping Ron alive, & through my tears came the realization that he didn't need it to survive anymore. Nor did he need the various canned items that were to be consumed after his feeding tube would have been removed. Those went to the nearby community center. With the holidays approaching, it may be time to clean out his closet. I know there will be churches & shelters in need. So when I feel better, I will check into that. I am still pretty sick with this head & chest mess & am finally going to break down & go to the doctor tomorrow for some antibiotics. Have had this for 2 weeks now & can't kick it. Like you, I am going to make the effort to take care of myself. Unlike you, I really have no one depending on me for anything. I a way, that has a downside. It is sad to no longer be needed by anyone. Karen

Jan, I am glad to see that you are okay. I was a bit worried when I read of the fierce storm that hit England. Kay, my heart breaks for you as you write about your Mom. My Mom was much the same following her stroke. She was a feisty, independent 90 year old one minute, & then "poof". I tried to make it like home for her at the care home, but she didn't know how to operate her TV or CD player or talk on the phone. Most of my little Mother was just "gone". She recognized her family, but didn't know our names. She referred to my grandson as "the boy" & she called me "darlin". It was difficult to leave her each time as she would look at me & ask "I go with you?". It must have been a "living hell" for her for 6 years until she left us. Such a sad time for us all. Well, off to do my errands, if I can stop coughing long enough. Karen

Anne, Do not give up yet. You know, horses come in different widths, just like people. Maybe this horse was simply too wide. I rode a lot up into my teens, but don't think I've been on a horse for over 30 years now. In 2008, when I was at my daughter's in Kentucky, she had 9 horses, but none of them were "broke" enough to ride. You could try to ride a couple of them, but eventually you'd get thrown. I stayed off them. Since I'm 5' tall, my biggest problem would be getting on a horse without help. I no longer have the arm strength I used to. I've been sick since last Thurs. with the flu or something, plus I still have the tooth abscess even after 2 weeks of antibiotics. Can't get in till next Mon. to have the tooth pulled, so will probably miss my widows meeting tomorrow. Have to take this computer for its' recovery process, but my son will be driving. Enough "pity party" from me! Hope you had a nice dinner. Karen

Kay, This truck is a Dodge 1500 4WD Quad Cab with a big Hemi engine so I truly understand the gas thing. Don't really know the mpg but it's not much. The 4WD was rarely used as Ron never wanted to scratch it up in the forest. LOL He always took such good care of his vehicles. Once I finish transporting stuff home from my cabin, I should probably get something smaller. As most of you have experienced, it's just another little piece of the person to let go of. Karen

SnowWhite, I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 40+ years almost 6 months ago. I too, was filled with anger, not at him, but at the less than stellar medical care he received on several occasions during his illness. I cannot forgive the stupidity of those who contributed to his death, but my anger has lessened over time. One of the kindest things you can do for your self is to let the anger go. It will eat you alive. I'm also sorry that Adam was not up front with you about his health, but you know in your heart that he did not mean to jeopardize your future. As others have said, he may have been in denial just not realizing how very serious this was. Among my husband's medical conditions was a bad heart. He had a pacemaker/defibrillator for many years, but in the end it did not save his life. It was just another life support system for which I had to give permission to the doctors to turn off. I am glad you have found a qualified counselor. Talking it out is so important. Loneliness is one of our biggest enemies. In addition to this forum, I also belong to a local widows support group. It is definitely comforting to be with those who "get it". Our group here is filled with so many caring, wonderful people. Come here often & we will walk beside you on this difficult journey. Karen

I LOVE the car names. We had a lot of different vehicles over the last 40 years, but I don't remember naming any of them. I'm sure that we called a few of the bad ones some unmentionable names, though. I do remember back in the mid 70's when we had a CB radio business and Ron drove a Plymouth Duster, so he chose the CB handle "Dust Devil". We had big magnetic business signs on the doors. In fact, I think there may be one still stuck to the side of my filing cabinet. I now drive what will forever be "Ron's truck" in my mind. He always wanted a huge 4WD drive truck, so we got one in 2006. Because I'm 5' tall, strangers are always commenting "You drive that big truck?' I have no problem driving it, just getting in & out. LOL Hope you enjoy your new car, Harry. Karen

Mary, All I know about my email is that when I sent one to my daughter earlier, it said it was sent by Windows. Windows 8 is so very different from what I had before which I think was Windows XP ? Windows 8 does not automatically support "pop server email" which is what I get through Cox, but my son was able to add it by following some work around instructions. I access it from the "start" menu. So far, I don't like this Windows 8 as it is much more cumbersome to get around in. Of course, I will adapt as I use it more. I had to do that many times at work as applications were upgraded all the time. My biggest problem is that my brain is not upgrading as fast as it used to. LOL I don't know anything about external hard drives, but will ask my son about them. I will wait until Best Buy does the retrieval job before worrying any more about the darn email. Their "geek squad" was very backed up in work orders & I had to bring this one home to do some personal business stuff right away, rather than wait a week for it. So far, I am winging it. I finally figured out how to disable the automatic lock out. It was locking me out & wanting the password every 5 minutes. That got real tiresome. It will be interesting when my old files are retrieved. I may still never find them. LOL Oh well, I have nothing but time on my hands for now. Computers baffle me, but as it is, we can't live without them. I don't know what "Cloud" is, but apparently this computer has it, along with a zillion other things I know nothing about. I'm the girl with the cheap cell phone that I only use for calls. I don't text, take pictures, connect to the Internet ,etc. Not even sure what an IPhone or an IPad looks like. I think I was born a century too late. Karen

Mary, So very sorry you are having to endure this added agony. It's hard enough to get through grief without the additional pain. You will be in my thoughts for a quick recovery, but I too understand the slow healing for a diabetic. The little Beagle is so cute. It reminds me of a small wooden plaque which I gave to Ron about 40 years ago. It was a floppy eared sad little dog with the inscription "I Mith You". I placed it in his casket so he would never forget. Please be well soon. Karen

I liken our group to the folks in Walnut Grove(Little House On The Prairie). If the house or barn burns down, all the neighbors are there to rebuild asking nothing in return except friendship. A rare commodity these days. Today, more often than not, the neighbors are not rebuilding, they are looting. Looking at this, of course, with a "big city" attitude. I'd love to live in a close knit community. Here in our online community, we are not afraid to talk, cry, scream, express our feelings, or just BE. Totally off topic, but I have lived here for almost 50 years & only know a couple of neighbors, in passing. Two nights ago, I was watching TV & heard a muffled explosion, stepped outside to see a big cloud of smoke down the street. Someone yelled "Get down", at which point I re-entered the house. Went back outside a few minutes later to find police everywhere & neighbors milling on the sidewalk. I thought "Who are these people & where did they come from?" The one man I recognized began introducing himself around asking questions, & it turns out that these were neighbors, none of whom I recognized. It seems that someone four houses down had barricaded themselves inside & police were trying to talk them out. Never did see anything on the news as there was no blood involved, so not newsworthy, I guess. My, how time & society has changed things over the years. Kay & Mary, being clueless about the complexity of computers, I believe my email is through my Internet provider, Cox Comm. I'm hoping this can be retrieved as I had several folders with info. saved. & my contacts, not many, but a very important one, Anne! Of course the most important things were my pictures of my family over the last year. I'll be taking the old hard drive & this new computer back to Best Buy in a few days for them to do a recovery. Jan, I didn't mean to ignore your post. My 41st anniversary is coming up next month. I don't even want to think about it. The one advantage is that it falls on the day of my widows group meeting, so I won't be totally alone. Sorry about my rant last night. I will keep plugging along until they break the doors down. LOL Karen

Like each of you, as I read Anne's post, I felt as if I was reading partly about myself. Anne, you have expressed what we all are feeling regarding "being alone". You are much more organized with your affairs than I am. I don't really feel envy for others who are still privileged to be couples. I think what I envy are those who are not constantly worried about their financial future. Along with my grief for Ron & my daughter, I feel like I'm drowning most of the time. If Ron were still here, we would not be swimming, but at least we would be afloat. And Kay, I envy you your faith & acceptance of circumstances, just as I do my daughter's. I know we are not supposed to discuss religion here, but I continue to doubt God's wisdom. I don't mean to, but I suppose I spend a lot of time wondering "Why, my family?. Just continuing to feel sorry for myself, I guess. When I got up this morning, I discovered that my several year old computer had completely died. We must have had a power failure or something as my clocks were flashing. So, I was blessed to have to go & spend more money on a new one. My computer is my link to humanity. I lost everything. All my pictures, documents, email stuff, so I am paying to have it recovered from the old hard drive, if possible. I never say "What next?" in this house because day to day, I am given a new challenge. Maybe all this is just a way to put grief on the back burner. I spend most of my time trying to figure out how to survive. Karen

I hate to continually be the bearer of bad tidings, but I'm afraid my "No news Is good news" was short lived. My daughter's onc called her today Her largest measurable tumors have all grown by at least 1cm & that is probably what is causing her chest pain & shortness of breath, so she will be starting on the tough chemo as soon as he evalutes the condition of her feet & determines a dosage that will not completely destroy her. In addition, she has a new tumor on her liver. She has already had a liver resection & an ablation. This one apeears to be small & will probably be another ablation, but it is being put on the back burner for now to try & control the lung tumor growth. All in all, not good news. She said she talked to her husband saying "I don't know if I can do this. What if I fall" & his reply was "I'll always be there to catch you." So, like all of us here, she is going to "tough it up". & put one foot in front of the other for as long as she can. Thank you for your warm thoughts & just being here for us. Karen

Lisa, How very thoughtful of you! As I face that special day alone next month for the first time in 41 years, I peronally like the thought of receiving a "Thinking Of You " card, not an anniversary one. I would appreciate the thought of my kids takling me to dinner or just visiting, if they were able. One of the ladies in my local widows support group has related to us that her oldest son never fails to take her to dinner on that day to carry on the tradition for his father. Karen