KarenK

Hi Jan, The majority of the time, I feel neither strong, nor brave, more like numb & bewildered, just sort of doing things by rote. At the same time, however, I know that I am the only one who is going to get me off that floor. As much as I want to move forward, I have yet to reach the point where I can say to someone "I lost my husband", without the tears starting. So I will continue to stay in my "safety zone" a whule longer. I'm sorry to hear that your friend is so very ill & especially that the cause cannot be discovered. I understand your hesitation to call. At one time, before Ron was so ill, I entertained the thought of being some type of hospital volunteer, but now I stay as far away from hospitals as possible. Unfortunately, the last one Ron was in harrasses me weekly concerning the balance I cannot pay. Oh well, that's another story. I'll bet the birds are beautiful. Can you post that picture for us here? I am not a "birder", but we have beautiful birds in the area of my cabin in the summer. Cardinals, Bluebirds, & tiny Finches, as well as Hummingbirds. Nothing too exotic that I know of. Because I seem to be a "night person", not necessarily by choice, I suppose the worst time for me is the middle of the night, when normal people are asleep, & I definitely wouldn't wake my kids up to bother them. Take care & we will all keep on helping each other up off that floor. Karen

Here is a bit of an update. My daughter was able to see the onc nurse who listened to her chest, but heard no congestion. For this reason, she was not sent for a chest x-ray. In addition to the cancer, she must be very careful not to get the flu, pneumonia, etc. as she has no immune system since having her spleen removed. The nurse called her later at home & as of 6PM had no significant report from the CT. She had been told if anything unusual(other than the multiple tumors) had shown up, that she would be notified within a few hours. So for now, "no news is good news". She will probably learn more when she returns to the infusion center on Wednesday. So as always, we take it one day at a time. Thank you all for your prayers & support. Karen

During my errands yesterday, I stopped at my favorite Mexican restaurant for take-out. While I was waiting, I ran into a woman who I had worked with 30 years ago. Her youngest son & mine played in Little League together, also. We had a short visit & I told her I had lost Ron & about my daughter's illness. She related to me that her older son had committed suicide 12 years ago. Because her husband & Mother were waiting in the car for her, we didn't have much time for discussion, but we did exchange phone numbers, so perhaps we will get together for lunch. My daughter told me last night that she has been having trouble breathing for about 10 days. She has pain in her rib cage if she tries to take a deep breath. Even though she has a CT today, she would not see the onc until next week, so she is going to the office after the CT to see if the nurse is available or a chest x-ray can be taken. Her medical care is disjointed, to say the least, although she is with a major cancer center. I told her if they seem unconcerned to go to the ER. Her onc generally has a very blase attitude, as so many do after a patient has been fighting the beast for several years. I will be talking to her this evening & give you an update. Karen

Just having kind of a krappy weekend. Not for any particular reason. Well, maybe partly because my daughter has a scan tomorrow & we know it won't be good, having been off chemo for 2 months. I refuse to call & burden her with my weepiness. Just keeping tissues handy. Last night, I held Ron's picture & tried to talk to him for guidance for this mess my family & I are in. He was the wise one & I have no direction. But there are no answers. As Anne says, the weather is beautiful outside now, but I have no one to enjoy it with. Going to force myself out the door to the library. Anne, I hope you enjoy your ride. What does it cost nowdays? I remember all those years ago in Wyoming, we used to charge the "dudes" a big $2 an hour. Probably $2 a minute now. LOL Sedona is beautiful. Quite different if one has never seen the big red rocks. Used to hike Turkey Butte Wilderness which overlooks Sedona & the canyon. Our "Tatum" came from the Humane Society there. They take good care of their animals. Hope everyone has a pleasant afternoon. Karen

Mary, Didn't you just love Ouray? Ron & I have been there 4 times. You really need a jeep for those dirt mountain roads. We were in our big Dodge 4WD. Definitely too wide & had some scary moments with 1,000' drop offs. Learned our lesson with that one. No hiking for us because of his disability, but loved driving in the San Juans. Have ridden the Silverton train 4 times. That's 2 too many for me. Would rather drive. Didn't like the snooty people in Telluride, but the mountains are magnificent. Fae, So glad to hear that all went well for your friend. It must be so nice to have someone to reminisce about Doug with. Take care & no more mountain driving until you are feeling better. Anne, Hope you have a great Sedona trip. Didn't make it over there on my last Munds Park trip, but have been there many times. It is actually 12 mi. from Munds Park, but over the mountain on Schnebly Hill Rd. which has gotten terribly rough over the years, so always go the long way down through the canyon. Karen

Hi Chris, I am here also. I drop in a few times each day to share or just to listen in case I can be of any help to anyone. I suppose one of the most difficult goals that we are striving for is acceptance of our new "lot in life". As I sat in our cabin a couple of nights ago, I thought of all our hopes & dreams that are gone forever. We were to move to that cabin & spend the rest of our lives there. Barring a large monetary windfall, now I will be selling it. Another stake through the heart for me. But each of us must do what is necessary for our survival. Our spouses would expect no less. I'm sorry your brother was so thoughtless in his evaluation of your situation & uncaring in his remark. The only standards you must meet right now are the ones you set for yourself. It is none of his business, IMHO. Loneliness is definitely not a good companion, but does seem to be a constant one for a few of us. It's funny, but in my 41 years of marriage, there were a lot of times that I just wanted to "be alone", but only for a short time. The thought of forever never entered my mind. "Being alone" is way overrated. I have a couple of cyber friends that I talk to a few times a week. As for spoken conversation, there is one friend from this forum, my son, & daughter that I talk with once a week. Oh, & my widows meetup each week. I'm so glad you have your friend, Nick by your side. The widows & my son are the only face to face contacts. And yes, there are times when I feel like screaming just to see if I am still alive & perhaps to see if anyone cares. In reality, I know they care & you know that, too. It's just that although your chidren are grieving, their grief is of a different caliber. They couldn't possibly grieve for the same loss that we are because that loss is different. Am I making sense here? Generally our children live different lifestyles than we did & their lifestyles haven't been brought to a screeching halt. They are not living in our reality any more now than they did before they lost their parent. It takes little to dredge up a memory & make me cry. While I was packing for the cabin, the thought "Don't forget to pack Ron's insulin" hit me in the face & I started to cry. You see, I had been packing insulin & meds for 28 years. You can't erase that overnight. When I told my son why I was crying, he just looked at me. He didn't live that part of my life. When you are one half of a couple, you both have the idea that "together we can do anything". When only one of you is left, that idea fades away. Never having been fearful of the future before, this is a new & frightening experience. What will become of me without that one person who cared? I suppose the answer to that can only lie within each of our hearts & in our own ability to stand alone. I hope you are able to get a little shut-eye. For me, it's reading & mindless movies. Karen

Here is our not so little "Tatum" laying in the grass outside the cabin enjoying her favorite pastime, chewing on limbs. The most ferocious thing about her is the intensity of her slobbery kisses. She is afraid of the dark in the forest & all the animal sounds, much less the sight of them. She's about 10 mo. old. I wonder how much bigger she will get. Thank you, Anne, for your help. Karen

My Tribe Of Friends, Please send out positive thoughts & good vibes for my son & I as we attempt to repair the back porch roof at the cabin this week. We went up last weekend to drain up & shut off the water & as we were leaving, he discovered the roofing had blown off the back porch leaving just exposed wood. We'd not been up there since our June trip and there has been a ton of rain falling on it, but I think we can get away without replacing the wood. I don't think I can climb up there, but can probably get high enough on a ladder to hold the roofing down as he nails it. Of course the proper way is to use a blow torch, which I don't have & couldn't use if I did, so we will do the best we can with roofing cement. He helped Ron with some repair work several years ago, so he has an idea of what's to be done. Hopefully, it won't turn out to be a major headache. The positive side to this, I suppose, is that we discovered it before the five foot snows come in a couple of months. LOL Days & nights are still long, lonely, & empty. Repairing the roof is not my idea of a pleasant way to break the sad monotony, but it is what it is. Trying to live by this quote from Dr. Seuss "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".Sometimes a lot easier said than done. Karen

Chris, We have not spoken before, but like you, I am awake at all hours. I do manage to get a little sleep now & then. Most times I can't shut my brain off when I lay down. I know how frustrating it it to be so tired, but just lying there & looking at the walls or ceiling. I think perhaps you & I have the lonliness in common. Ron & I had no close friends, hence there is no one for me to call for a lunch date or just to talk. For the first couple of months, my son was here daily helping me reorganize and sell things on Ebay, and taking me to the store for necessities. In time, that tapered off & now I see him once a week. He rarely thinks to call, although I have mentioned it. He lives 10 minutes away. My daughter lives 2000 miles away and some weeks I talk more often to her than to him. She is fighting her own battle with death and I try to remain positive for each of when we speak. She needs no more burdens. I love this group. I think sometimes it helps just to be able to express your thoughts at whatever hour it might be because someone will hear your cry for help. Maybe not immediately, but soon. One local group I discovered is called Widowed To Widowed. I don't know if it is available in your area. I am in Arizona. We meet at least once a week. It is very comforting to be among people who are on the same journey we are and who "get it". I was reluctant at first to go and bare my soul to strangers face to face, but am so glad I did. In addition to your counselor, you might see if there is anything similar in your area. I'm not trying to push anything off on you, but it's worth thinking about. I am generally awake at night and if you need to talk, I'll try to answer if I can be helpful. Karen

I have been fairly quiet for a time, not really having too much to add to anyone's discussions. As I sit here tonight, my heart hurts and I don't know who else to talk to about it. Perhaps some of you can understand. I am truly glad for each of you whose spouses expressed their love and gratitude for the many aspects of caregiving that were given during their illnesses. In a way, I find myself envious. Over the years, Ron made a few statements to others such as "I don't know what I would do without her", but two weeks before his death(I would like to think it was his illness talking), he said to me, "You don't take very good care of me". I was taken aback & all I could reply was "I'm sorry. When you're back home, I'll try harder". I sit and think of all his years of illness. For the last 28 of our 41 years, I made all the appointments, ordered the meds,kept track of every dosage change, made sure no medications conflicted with others, kept the pill case filled, & reminded him to take the meds & insulin. For the last 13 years, three times weekly I changed the bandage on his foot. After a partial amputaion in 2000, it was necessary for him to keep padding on the affected area so as to not get a hole in the foot. For two years, I wiped his rear because of surgery on his right hand. And finally for the last six months, I took him approx. 8 times a week to appts. & hospitalizations, changed wound & surgery bandages, set up & monitored his tube feedings, crushed meds for the tube, wiped his rear, changed his catheter bag, bathed him, & did everything humanly possible to keep him comfortable. I DID EACH OF THESE THINGS WITH LOVE AND COMPASSION, NEVER ONCE COMPLAINING. When he said I didn't take good care of him, it cut me like a knife. What else could I have done? In his eyes, something was missing. I don't know what it was and I will never know. I only know I did the best I could for the person I loved most. I am not angry, just deeply hurt. Perhaps it is selfish of me to feel this way. After all, I'm not the one who relinquished my life at the end. In some strange way, I feel I did that long ago. I sometimes wonder if his love had died and he just never bothered to tell me. Thank you for listening. Karen

Anne, I think one of the hardest things to accept as we get older is that we no longer seem to be in control of any given situation. I feel a big disappointment in myself, even if others may not be disappointed in me. I'm sure your friend understands your situation as he faces his own loss of control. Also, having recently been exposed to one's mortality, whether we are afraid to die or not possibly makes us a little more cautious. There are physical jobs I wouldn't have thought twice about attempting a year ago, but today I second guess. It makes me feel like a weakling and I'm not even in bad health. I'm sure my current state of mind has a lot to do with it also. Please be gentle with yourself. Your illness is beyond your control. I understand about your little "flea". I had a black lab named Mickey who was my big "flea". I wasn't even allowed to go to the bathroom alone. I hope you enjoy your swim. Karen

Fae, I'm so sorry that you have twisted your knee. For me, one of the things about getting older is that my brain and my body are not always on the same page. The brain says "Yes you can do that" while the body says "Excuse me, I don't think so". Really frustrating isn't it? I so understand what you meant about the doctors and hospital personnel. So many times I felt that they viewed Ron as just another steer in the herd. I realize though that for the sake of their own sanity, they can't get personal. I was actually very hurt that Ron's cardiologist of 10 years did not even bother to offer his condolences. Silly me! The man had no bedise manner while Ron was alive, so what did I expect. The nurse from his office that always monitored his heart device did call me and also sent a card. I really appreciated that. And I'll never forget the pulmonologist(I didn't know his name) who on that last day in the hospital told me I needed to let him go, but then, complete stranger that he was, looked at me and said "Can I give you a hug?" I was very touched by that. I hope your knee is feeling better. I know Doug is right there telling you not to get out of bed. Karen

Mary, Your story is "purrfect". My old cat is really Ron's buddy. When he was hospitalized at Christmas, I bought a metal cat sign for him which hangs on his gun safe. It says "A cat knows all about you, but loves you anyway". My favorite and one so true is the one on my fridge that says "In this house, cat hair is a condiment". LOL Karen

Fae, you are truly a guding light in the darkness, growing ever brighter. You have a very special way of expressing yourself. I'm so glad you decided to get help with all the many projects you have going on around the house. I envy all the adventures you have been on and the many places you have seen. With your tenacious attitude, I have no doubt that you will visit some of them again, and yes, I imagine you climbing. My most favorite place to visit is the Tetons. Have you ever climbed there? I only did my traversing on horseback. LOL Natter on, girl! Karen

I am feeling your hug dear Jan, as we both reflect back on so many things in our lives. Kay, I understand your feeling of being cheated out of many good years, also. You know, a divorce is a type of death also, but yet so different from this death we have experienced. Maybe age has something to do with it. I was married once before for nine years and although the divorce was heartbreaking, I was only 25 then and could still see a future. I had a good job and felt like I could take care of myself. Fae's climbing the ladder made me remember how I used to climb up on the roof and change the cooler pads, before the refrigeration unit was put on the house. I never hesitated to do anything. I just did it. For all the many years Ron & I were married and when he no longer had the physical stamina, I could still do things. Now I find myself hesitating, thinking "I might fall". It's not the falling that bothers me, it's the fact that no one is here to pick me up. And I guess that's what this ramble is about. The fact that there is no one here anymore to pick me up. Selfish feeling maybe, but after all, that's what life is about, sharing your life with that one person who you know will always pick you up. Karen

It is really no big deal. I doubt that any of them have even heard of it before. I only noticed it on my wall calendar. I myself have never had a grandparent. They were all long gone before I was a "glimmer". I just think my lonely feeling was accentuated because of the present circumstances. I did call my daughter a little while ago. I was waiting for all the hooplah to subside. She is doing okay & had just returned form a walk on the beach. She said she did pretty well, but got quite tired and out of breath on the walk back. I have never been to the Gulf or the Atlantic. She said there are lots of shells just laying in the sand, so she scooped up a bunch to display in a jar. I've been to San Diego & La Jolla several times, but only find shell fragments there. Ron loved shells & I have five sitting on stands that he purchased in La Jolla. I think what gets to me the most are the memories. There is nothing in my life for the past 41 years that did not occur without Ron by my side or nearby. I cannot escape this and it's very painful, but I'm sure you all understand it. Karen

Well, here I sit, sort of in a "funk" and having my own "pity party". Funny how it doesn't take much to get me in this frame of mind. I am much like Chris in the respect that I am alone the majority of the time. I did have a nice conversatoin with Linda(Cosell) on Friday, I believe. Then came Saturday, & I decided to go to the bead store as a "sale" was on, not because I needed to add to my thousands of beads, but just to try & find "normal" again. Nothing is the same. Ron was not sitting in the chair by the front door dozing as he did so often, waiting for me to finish shopping. Nor was he waiting for me on a bench in the mall, "people watching" as he liked to call it when I stopped at Penney's to pick up a t-shirt for my son's birthday coming up. There is no fun & laughter in it anymore. My daughter & hubby are in Florida or maybe on their way home right now. His mother was getting married this weekend for the 4th or 5th time. I can't keep it straight. For whatever reason, she decided to have a big, all-out wedding. So, as sick as my daughter is, they made the trip driving. In tears, over the phone, she said "I just want to see the ocean one more time while I can." I've not spoken to her for several days, so hope all is well. Yesterday was Grandparents Day. I have 3 grandchildren. Not one of them bothered to call. This is not unusual. They never have before, but silly me, I thought perhaps being in my "new" situation, someone would think of me, bit it didn't happen. Their world has not changed or stopped. Oh, well. Phoenix is actually "socked in" under clouds & rain right now. Pretty unusual for us , but a nice change from the constant heat. Well, I was just using a bit of Fae's "nattering" to let you all know that I am still here. As I reflect on the death of my father in 1977, I understand my Mother's decision to make a trip to Europe soon after. She had the means to do it, & just wanted to not have to face this each day, I guess. I wish I could do something like that, but in the end "You can run, but you can't hide". Karen

This is a small positive, but at least I found the incentive today to assemble a beaded necklace which I "designed" on the beading board several months ago. It had been sitiing around gathering dust & I just had no desire to finish it. I am a jewelry nut, but no longer buy any. We used to go to all the nearby arts & crafts shows which had tons of jewelry priced above my means. I guess that's how I got interested in making this stuff. I just thought it would be fun to make some things. I started with one small box of beads & now I have thousands just waiting to be turned into something to wear. I have sold a few things at my yard sales, but for the most part, the price I get for them is far less than the material I have used. Anyway, one necklace down & a thousand to go. Karen

Fae, I am happy for you that you were able to do this and have a somewhat pleasant time. Since Ron left, I have eaten once at a buffet with my son. Hard because it was a favorite place of his. The day we buried him, a few us us stopped at Red Robin for burgers on the way home. Not for enjoyment, just for sustenance. I could not afford the limo as part of the funeral, so I drove my truck while my son drove the other vehicle of mourners. It was surreal driving myself to my husband's funeral, but you do what you must. Those are the only two times I've actually eaten out. Thank goodness for take-out. It is so different, this new life. When Ron was here and before his G-tube, we ate out 5 of 7 nights. Hope you are resting now and able to look on this as something that would make Doug proud of you. Karen

Just one more thing and then I'm off for my exciting day at Walmart, grocery store, library, & funeral home payment. What a life !! There are times when I feel guilty because I come across as being a "cold hearted bi*c*". So many things in life have made me that way. But inside, I really am not. I am just frightened because I see the freight train coming and I cannot stop it. Karen

Harry, Reading about your dream of Jane brought back many memories. Although Ron & I had a very turbulent marriage, we stayed married for almost 41 years. He was quick to anger and slow to forgive, but I never doubted his love. In the last weeks of his life in the hospital, he asked me one day if I wanted a divorce or if I was tired of taking care of him. I told him of course not. I know he was so very ill, but even after all those years, he still didn't comprehend my love. Ain't love grand? I do have a positive to report today, the first one in such a long time. I bit the bullet and joined a local support group called Widowed To Widowed. There were five of us and it was very nice to meet face-to-face with other widows who are on the same path. I so wish all of us here could meet face-to-face. Karen

Perhaps, my situation differs somewhat from most of yours. I still have moments when the "I am truly alone" creeps into my thoughts and hits me in the face, but for the most part, I cannot afford to expend any extra energy on grieving. My brain is too tired already, worrying about my daughter's health and ultimate survival as well as my own survival with more financial responsibilites than I can handle. Sometimes I think if I add one more worry, I will become a blithering idiot, so in that respect I guess you could say I am suppressing grief. Ron is gone. He's not coming back. There is no "white knight" coming to save me. I am on my own. Although I feel he was a much better person than I am, I am the one that was left alive and I must make the best of it. Karen

Simply beautiful, Harry. May the rest of your evening be peaceful. Karen

Mary, Your poem was just so very beautiful in it's healing way. In addition to all the memories Exit 99 holds for you, please ad this healing one which means so much to us. I had a thought and wondered if this would work for you. Do you have a young neighbor who would walk Bentley & help with his needs while you are healing. Most youngsters love dogs and would probably enjoy helping you out. Just a thought.......... Karen

Mary, You cannot sneak on here even at 5 in the morning. Someone is always watching. LOL Please take it easy & have a safe drive home. Hope you & Bentley have a good weekend. Karen