KarenK

Anne, So glad to see your message. Was just watching the news(can't sleep again) & was worried that the storm got you good. Again, no rain for me, but poor Goodyear. Have a good day. Karen

Shannon, You were so very ill when I joined this wonderful group of friends & I never got a chance to say "hello". I lost my husband of 40+ years almost 4 months ago. My heart goes out to you for your loss of Leo and for everything you have since faced with such tenacity & grace. Yes, those "maybes" are very hard to not think about, but somehow each of us must understand that we did the best we could. We will move forward together and somehow get to the next day & the next. My daughter is a cancer survivor also and you are one of the bravest, most courageous people I have ever met. I am so glad that you are getting stonger each day. One of the mottos on CSN, of which I am a member, is "Never, ever give up". I know your Leo is so very proud of you. Your sister, Mary, is a very special person, just as you are. Will be thinking of you as you conquer this hurdle. Karen

Safe here in Scottsdale. Although, I'm in the rather southeast part of the valley, I'm not nomally hit with these storms. Anne is about 50 miles west of me & seems to get the rain more often. Karen

Lostlove, I am here also, mostly on the sidelines reading and observing the many kindnesses here. I too, welcome you to our "tribe" as they call it, where all sit around the fire to share their experiences and wisdom. I have not been here long, having lost my husband of 40+ years a little less than 4 months ago. The silence of it all remains deafening. There is no "expiration date" stamped on your grief. You must do what is right for the way that YOU feel, not what others expect. Come to this circle of friends whenever you like, whether to rant & rave at the unfairness of it all, or just to "be". Karen

Mary, So glad this is finally over for you. I just know the end result will be good. I'm so sorry that your brother is insensitive to your feelings. It must be very hard. I have no siblings to compare with, but I guess life, in general, just produces different personalities. Strange that someone of his chosen path appears to have no empathy. Please be extra careful as you are driving home. You are a brave lady. Karen

Anne, So glad these initial tests are over & done with. I hope you don't have to have a lung biopsy. Whatever comes, just remember the doctor's words "I'm going to fix you." I'm having a very lonely week. Here it is Thursday night and I've not spoken to another person since Monday at the bank. Pretty crummy existence. Not that I can afford to go anywhere, but just for something to do, I was looking at motels online in cooler parts of the state. Well, that wasn't a good idea, because all it did was remind me that I would be going alone and that was too sad. If I had the funds, I would probably go somewhere new anyway, just to get out of the heat. I could just go up to the cabin, but in reality, it would be way too quiet. I had the cable disconnected last November. And no matter where I would go, I can run but I can't hide from "alone". Will be waiting for your test reports. Karen

Because this thread is about "talking" and I am in pain, I guess this is an appropriate place for this post. My heart hurts at a memory I cannot erase. Ron was so very ill and one day shortly before he died, I walked into his hospital room and he said to me "You don't take very good care of me". I was sort of stunned. For months, I had done nothing BUT take care of him, from top to bottom, in addition to dealing with all the doctors and appts. He said I wasn't feeding him right. At the time, I was actually providing the tube food to the hospital, as they didn't provide the particular kind he was supposed to have and I had to show the nurse how to run the pump. I remember so many times at home when he refused to let me hook up the feeding pump because he just "didn't feel like it right then". I tried and tried, but he was an adult. I could not force him, but in the end, I was the one who "did not take good care of him". Maybe it was just the illness talking, but it stiil hurts and doubly so, because at the end, I was the one who made that final decision. This is a place to bare your soul, I suppose. Where did I go wrong? Karen

Harry, When you lose the most important person in your life, the "what ifs" are always there hanging around in the back of your mind just waiting to strike, especially when we are the ones who have had to make that ultimate final decision. As Mary said, we do the best we can at the time given the information we have received from the doctors. It does not make it any less painful, though to remember that moment. I have read "Walking With Jane". She is an amazing person, and I use the present tense as I know she will remain alive in your heart and memories. She would be so very proud of all that you have accomplished and will walk with you as you push forward. Kay made a good suggestion about medical journals. I have another friend on CSN who is a writer. He struggled for years to get a story published about cancer. His story relates the everyday aspect of living with cancer. He wanted so much to offer help, but was faced with rejection after rejection. Finally, an editor of a magazine called "Coping" took the time to read what he had written, and although his entire manuscript was too large for the magazine, she agreed tp publish a small version. He never gave up despite the heartbreak of all those rejections. Just two days after learning that his material was to be published, he was told that his cancer has returned with a vengeance for the fourth time in nine years, but he is stubborn and is still not giving up. I know you can be stubborn too. After clearing your thoughts, regroup and get back in the battle again. It's all that anyone can ask. Karen

I confess that I too am a chocoholic. Anne, you are okay because chocolate is good for your heart. I used to buy fudge at the fair every year along with one of those giant cinnamon rolls. But as I get older, I find that chocolate candy makes my teeth ache. My favorite is Red Velvet cake. We used to have an Amish restaurant(in rural northern Arizona, no less) that had great home cooked meals & the best Red Velvet cake ever. I would buy a slice & cut it into 4 servings because it was so rich. But, alas they have closed their doors. Karen

Fae, I appreciate your response. I completely understand not wanting to think or talk about certain things. So many things that our brains say "Nope, don't go there". Yesterday, my son(Robert) was posting some of Ron's collectibles on Ebay. There is a small John Wayne picture with a music box attached which plays a song from one of his Westerns. You would think after watching his movies hundreds of times, that I could identify it. I couldn't, so I pulled about 10 DVD's from the shelf & started to play the beginning of each one. After the fourth one, I began to cry & said "I can't do this anymore." I pictured Ron on the sofa, or worse yet, in the Hospice bed, as we played 9 John Wayne Westerns for him as he lay dying. I told Robert "If the expert was here, he could identify that song right away." In truth, if the expert were here, we wouldn't be selling the collectibles. So sad. I fear for my daughter and yet that is one of the places my brain can't go. I will keep hoping for that miracle Love, Karen

Anne, You are darn right. You are worth every bite of the chocolate. I'm so sorry to hear you are facing yet another hurdle. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. I am not that far away. Karen

Harry, Thank you for your response. As you can imagine, I am grabbing at any straw that I see. She has never mentioned DNA testing having been done. When I met her surgeon five years ago, he did say someting about genetic testing, but I don't know that it was ever done. She is being treated in Louisville. All her doctors are associated with the University of Kentucky medical center, I believe. Unfortunately, cancer is the gift that just keeps on giving. Take care, Karen

Harry, Could you tell me if the new cancer weapons coming up are effective for colon cancer? I'm sorry, but I'm not familiar with NET cancer, so don't know if colon is in this group. My daughter has been a Stage IV warrior for five years and is reaching her mental & physical limit with chemo & it's horrible side effects. She is a chemo for life patient and currently has 38 inoperable lung tumors. Any info would be appreciated as I'm always looking for ways to help her. Thanks, Karen

Mary, I did not have the privilege of talking with Shannon as I joined the site after she became so terribly ill. I just want you and she to know what an inspiration you both are and I am keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for that miracle. She is such a fighter. I'm sure Leo is watching over her and perhaps he will let her know that it is not her time yet and that she must stay with all of you. Karen

Kay, I know many of us have faced this. I often wonder if the last memory of the departing one was "Where is my loved one? Why is he/she not here with me?" We will not know what the memory contains until it is our time, I guess. I think you mentioned that you were far away in another hospital. At least I believe it was you. I think back to the deaths of my parents and how differently people react under these circumstances. I loved my mother very much. She was my best friend, but as I reflect on the death of my father, her reaction was bizarre to me. He suffered an abdominal aneurysm at 5 AM. This was before the days of "911" and she called our house saying she thought my dad had a stroke. I called the police, which was procedure then, & Ron & I drove 90 MPH to get to their house. The policeman was there when we arrived & had called an ambulance which should have already arrived(hospital was only 2 blocks away). I actually waited in the street for 30 minutes until I saw it depart the hospital. I'll never figure out the delay. Anyway, I held my dad's hand as they put him in the ambulance and said "I'm right here, Daddy" and he replied "I know you are." Those were the last words he ever spoke. Two hours later, he died from too much blood loss. I had followed the ambulance to the hospital. My mother's bizarre behavior was to remain at home & make sure she showered and put on makeup before having Ron bring her to the hospital. At the time, I was too distraught to notice the behavior. One of her friends simply said "Marie always wanted to look her best for Bob". Somehow, I doubt that he would have noticed, but he was gone and life has no "do overs". My mother never made reference to this action in the 30 years following his death. When my mother's time came, she was in a private care home & had been in Hospice care for almost a year, expected to slip away at any time. The caregiver called me at 10 PM saying he didn't think my mother had much time left. The home was 30 minutes from me & by the time I arrived, even speeding, she was already gone. That was 7 years ago & I carried guilt around for a long time for not being there to hold her as she left. I can only look back & realize I did the best I could. That's all any of us can do. Karen

Fae, I was touched by a portion of your earlier post which stated: "And then one day or night, it happens, and if we are blessed, as I was, they will tell us they are leaving soon, and they tell us over and over how much they love us, how much we mean to them, and they leave us with assurances, and a part of their spirit comes to reside in our hearts forever. And we hold them, and pray with them, and sing to them, and help them to go through the veil." With this, for me, comes a certain amount of guilt and a great deal of sadness. Unfortunately, I was not able to experience this with Ron. One minute he was ranting at the nurse, and 2 hours later, he was gasping for breath & being intubated. I will always feel guilty for not being at the hospital when he aspirated. I constantly think perhaps there was something I could have done if I had been right there beside him. After that, he was sedated most of the time and could not have spoken anyway with the vent. I know that when my daughter arrived, he was cognizant enough to recognize her & would have then realized the severity of his condition. He could no longer express any love, tenderness or assurances, nor could he receive any as he soon after slipped into loss of consciousness. Although I stayed right by his side, he didn't know that I was there and I almost cry again at the memory that, after 40 years, I didn't get to say goodbye. Oh, I said it and expressed my love throughout, but it fell on deaf ears. I envy you that time, Fae, and am so glad for you that if it had to be, you both got to say a proper goodbye. Love, Karen

Fae, Do not laugh, but I didn't realize that a mandala is actually a spiritual symbol. One of my very favorite musical artists is Kitaro. I have every one of his CD's. One is titled Mandala with, of course, the symbol on the cover. I simply thought it was the name of the CD. Ron & I attended a concert of his in Phoenix many years ago & it was spectacular. His violinist was superb. He presents quite a show with a near nude girl entering the stage enclosed in a huge plastic bubble. I'm sure Ron didn't enjoy the concert near as much as I did, as we had very different tastes in some of our music. Anyway, thanks for enlightening me. Karen

Harry, Have you ever planted those tiny yellow tomatoes? I don't remember what they are called. You start with a few and end up with a million. Ron had a garden for a couple of years, but it is so hot here in the summer & requires so much water, that it got too expensive. We had different tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, & cantaloupe. We had a huge rototiller, which I finally sold last week. I still have a small one to sell. I don't have a green thumb. I tried planting flowers a few times, but where you have groundhogs, we had gophers. I don't remember them bothering the garden. He must have gotten rid of them before the garden came along. Congrats on your walking skills. I'm sure you will do well in the marahon. I've not done walking, but in better days, we used to enjoy wilderness hiking. We got a late start one time and it was pitch black as we were feeling our way back up the trail to the truck, when a small herd of elk ran across the trail about 10 feet from us. We probably scared them as much as they scared us. Rule #1--Don't forget to bring a flashlight. LOL Karen

Loretta, I am so very sorry that you have lost your husband, Rod. The behavior of the pharmacy is unforgivable, to put it very mildly. I would be angry, also. Rod sounds like an amazing guy, and I'm glad you found each other to brighten your lives. I lost my husband, Ron, 3 months ago. His death was caused by several factors, including a delay in treatments due to the almighty medical profession. Am I mad? Yes, & I would express it in a much stonger way, but I'm sure that is not permitted here. There are more & more medical mistakes each day. It makes me even angrier that I still have the privilege of making a payment each month to those who contributed to his death. Kind of ironic, isn't it. In time, you may let go of your anger. I haven't, but that's just me. Most of the time, it resides on the back burner. This is a very nice group of people and each have given you good suggestions on taking care of yourself & moving forward at your own pace. It is also helpful that you are not alone most of the time. After 3 months, I am beginning to accept my "solitary confinement". Many here have pets that help to stave off the lonliness. I have a cat, but he is not much for conversation. I know what you mean about grocery shopping and deciding what to fix for "one". I do have a large freezer & a "foodsaver" helps to pack meats after putting them in proportions for one. I freeze a lot of leftovers. LOL As for meltdowns, I don't seem to have them anymore. At first, I couldn't state that I had recently lost my husband to anyone without falling apart. That seems to have gotten better. For myself, I have learned that "it is what is" and no amount of crying will change it. There again, that is only for me. Some people find it cathartic to shed tears and that is fine too. Do what is right for you, in your own time. Karen

Kay, You had me laughing at the "you eat it and pretend it's good." This is a short, funny story, but it was a"first" for me. My son & I were having a "yard sale" in the carport today. He brought his new puppy along & she was alternating between the front & back yards & inside the house while we were outside.Now she wants to be right with you wherever you are. He put her in the house and when he closed the door, she started scratching to get out. Well, she managed to hit the door lock and locked us out. It was panic for a minute until he remembered he had a set of keys to my house in his Jeep. So all was saved. I've heard of pets opening the door, but never one who locked their family out. LOL Karen

Anne, I'm so sorry to hear that your little Benji is ill. At one time, we had a young dog that was prone to seizures that were controlled with Phenobarbitol. I do hope the vet can get to the bottom of this. Will be thinking of you and waiting to hear what the Neuro Vet has suggested. Karen

Just a bit of silliness here. I didn't want to hijack Boogieman's post about baking brownies. After I read his post, I remembered I had a very old box of those frozen premade chocolate chip cookies that you buy from kid's school fundraisers. This stuff has to be at least 6 years old. So I got a "wild hair" and decided to bake some. Not too bad when they were warm, but now I have a container of chocolate chip rocks. Can you tell I don't cook much? Which brings to mind the time that my son called me at work. He was 9 years old & alone for a few hours until his dad got home. Now this was a very resourceful kid. He said "Mommy, guess what? I'm baking cookies." I calmly asked him what he did & he said that he had read the instructions, cut the refrigerated cookies up, put them on a pan, & put them in the oven, but they weren't getting done. He told me they'd been in there for 30 minutes. I asked him if he had preheated the oven, and he said "What's that mean?' At age 9, I had never taught him the first thing about cooking. Those were some of the hardest cookies I've ever eaten in my life. LOL This is my Science major who does Calculus in his head and could rebuild a complete engine at age 16, but I don't think he'll ever become a chef. Karen Jan, I apologize for tromping on your post. You must have been typing as I was. I'm so glad you got to spend this time with your daughter. I'm sure each of us has felt that some of our worth is lost, or the never ending question of why I'm still here, when he/she is not. I just know our spouses would want us to carry on and do the best we can for ourselves and others. Take care, Karen

Hello All, I'm not quite sure if this is an appropriate thread to add this to, but I wanted to share it with you. When Ron was hospitalized during the Christmas holidays, I went to the gift shop and found this tiny card and gave it to him for Christmas. For those not familiar with H&N cancer, the treatments & surgery can be disfiguring for some, dependent on the case. With Ron, some tumors were in an inoperable location and the others might result in the loss of part of his tongue. I think this scared him more than anything. This is what is written on the card. I love you as you are. I love you as you will be. I love you because there's this little part of me(my heart)..... that tells me that you and I were simply and always meant to be. At that time, he was so sick, I didn't know if he really grasped it's meaning. After he passed away, I was frantic as I had no money at all for a funeral. I knew that I had saved about $300 for some upcoming vehicle work and that he had placed it in the safe. He must have felt for months that he was slipping away, but would only say "I think you need to call the funeral home." I truly thought it was only depression talking, but when we opened the safe, the envelope contained $1900 that he had squirreled away and it contained the little card. This was Ron still taking care of me, even after he was gone. I will treasure this card forever. Karen

Thank you, Fae. My daughter was especially close to her grandmother, who was also a person of faith, so this could very well have been a sign from her. I, myself, have really had no "sign" from Ron. Partly, I guess because he would be so angry at me for selling his tools and much loved collectibles. I have a terrible sense of guilt in doing so, but I must do what I have to in order to survive. Or, maybe I do not have a "receptive" soul. That's probably the wrong terminology. His last months were so filled with anger at everything and everyone, partly due to his illness, so maybe he does not feel peaceful, if he feels anything at all. All of it is beyond my comprehension. I am nevertheless, happy for each of you that have a "connection" to your departed loved ones. Karen

Mary, I am glad that you are home safely. I have to say that you are one tough lady. I had not realized in the beginning that you were making the trip alone, so, many kudos to you for your bravery. My eyes are so-so at my age, and like Kay, I used to get the little "jellyfish" bubbles. The first time that the doc came at me with that razor blade was a little scary. The second time, less so, but I'm sure glad you were "out" when they used the needle for your eye. Get lots of rest now and hope to see your smiling face soon. Karen