Trudy1964

Hi Daddyslilgirl, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom in July 2006. I don't post very much. I mostly come here to read. It helps to feel better to know that I am not alone in my journey of grief. It is quite a roller coaster ride. And not a very pleasant one... Keeping you in my prayers, Trudy

Kellymarie, That about sums it up. I am putting together some printings of things that i have read that make me feel better. i would like to add what you wrote to my collection. You really hit the nail on the head. Don't tip toe around me. Ask me how I'm doing? Don't expect me to be having a good day because I had to where the fake face today. Let me be where I am today. and please don't say "You look like you are doing ok." I always thought when you attend a funeral service that the statement "You have my condolences" sounds so empty. Now I know why. It's because there really is nothing else that you can say at the time because nothing brings them back. Thanks again Trudy

Haley, Thanks for your encouragement. I know it's hard. But posting back and forth we'll get through it. We do have to be strong for our kids and families. But remember we have to make time for ourselves too. As for as the holidays, I'm trying to buy gifts through the internet and pretend they are not for Christmas. I want all of my shopping done before the holiday season really begins. That way, I won't have to be around people for the HAPPY hodidays if I don't want to. Thanks for your support. Trudy

Hi all, I have a tape that I took out of my answering machine with my Mom's voice on it. When I get really lonesome, I play it over and over again. It's so comforting to know I'll never forget her voice. God Bless, Trudy

Shelley and Shell, You guys seem to know exactly where I am right now. I don't want to talk to people right now. I snap at everyone. I have zero patience. People just get on my nerves. I don't feel like I'm angry about loosing my Mom. It just comes across that way I guess. Yet it comes across that way. On the other a hand, I let my daughter quit music lessons because I was tired of fighting with her about going. Grief is so exhausting. Trudy

Thank you all for your kind words, I come here and as I read your replys I cry because if it wasn't real, I wouldn't be here. I miss her so much. I read on another posting that the 3 month mark was really hard. I felt like I wasn't going to make it throught the 2 month mark. I had 3 days when I felt like I was laughing on the inside as well as the outside. I can feel myself sinking back into sadness again. It will be 3 months of the 16th. Her grave marker will be in place this weekend. I know that will be like burying her all over again. On one hand I am glad the grave marker will be there because I feel like she is alone at the cemetary and no one can find her. Yet, I know when I see it, it will be so REAL to see those 2 inch letters. Thanks for listening. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Penny, Happy Birthday in advance. You are allowed to feel whatever you want to feel on your birthday. My Mom passed 3 weeks before my birthday. It was rough. I got through it via many tears. The first of many tears to come. Your Mom is still with you. She in your heart. Your husband's brother and girlfriend may be just what you need. Hope for the best but do what you can. Remember, you don't have to make excuses for anything you don't feel up to doing. Trudy

When does reality set? I'm either very depressed or I'm asking myself if it's real. My Mom has been gone for 2 1/2 months. Sometimes it just feels like a dream. I catch myself daydreaming thinking it's not happening. Somedays, I still feel like she is on vacation and she is still coming back. I am so afraid of when my heart realizes she is gone forever. I read everyone posts. Everyone helping each other. When I'm in the denial phase, I can't find the words to help someone else. When I'm down, I can't find the words to help anybody else. Please tell me I'm normal...... Trudy

Lorikelly, That is how I felt at two months. Is that what I have to look forward to every month anniversary of her death. I don't know if I can handle this over and over again. I had a pretty good weekend. Yet, this afternoon, I feel my self slipping down into sadness again. Even after 2 1/2 months, sometimes I ask myself is it real. I'm afraid of what it is going to feel like when it becomes real. And when it stays real. On the bright side, at least I had 3 good days. Thanks for listening. Trudy

Hi all, It's not just the holidays. It's the whole winter season. I don't want to be stuck inside on cold winter days when there is nothing to do but think. Maybe I'll wake up and it will be spring before I know it. Take care This site is truly a God send. Trudy

Hi Kim, Yes, my Mom had Hospice but for only 2 days. We came home Friday July 14 with hospice and she passed Sunday July 16. They were a tremendous help. I don't think we would have made it without them. They provided the hospital bed, meds, oxygen and knowledge of the next step. We didn't even know who to call when she passed. Our nurse had told me at midnight (over the phone) that I needed some rest. That's when I went to bed. At 4 am when Mom passed, I called her. She came 1 1/2 hrs. away. She sat with us and prayed. I like you just had to be there. Thank God my family was very understanding because they were put on the back burner. My Mom came first. My Mom raised 6 kids alone after my Dad left when my baby brother was 1. It was my turn. I wouldn't have had it any other way. You are so lucky that you Mom told you all the kind words. She knew the labor of love you were returning to her. Reading that made me smile a little bit. I know it gives me peace when I think of how my Mom would tell us in the hospital that she hadn't laugh so much in a long time. I know we made her happy in her last days. My head knows all this. My heart just hurts so much. I am currently reading a book 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper. Its about a man who died in an automobile accident. The paramedics thought he had died on impact. He writes of his 90 minute journey to heaven. It is so awesome. Our Mom's and Dad's are in such a wonderful place. I'm OK with where she is. The problem is she's just not here anymore. I hope this week brings you a good few days. Trudy

Kim, Thanks for your words of kindness. This site helps me so much. If I think it, I can say it here. Unfortunately, everyone is going through the same thing here. My Mother also suffered from COPD and kidney disease. We were so very lucky in many ways. My Mother was 75. She had not been in the hospital since my 40 year old baby brother was born. She never complained until 6 weeks and 2 days before she died. I am so lucky to be able to say from June 9 until July 16 I spent every day with her. Some were 24 hour a day. She was never in any pain. In the hospital, she would say how much she laughed and was having fun with all the company she was having. Everyday was really good until one week before she died. She would only tell us she didn't feel good. The last whole sentence she said to me was "I feel like I'm dying." She would only sleep after that and asked for "water". Three days later she died. The Dr. who diagnosed her cancer said it had probably spread all over her body. He thought she should have been in major pain, thankfully, she wasn't. She died very peacefully with all of her children around her. We were able to say the rosary. When we finished reciting the rosary, my niece felt foot steps behind her on the carpet. I think it was my Mom beginning her journey to heaven. When the Dr. came in to tell us the results of the biopsy, I was alone at the hosp. He said they were positive. After he walked out the room, Mom looked at me and said "I guess I don't have long to live." How do you reply to that? I said "Mom, they are not God. I just don't want you to suffer." The night she died, I had gone to take a nap. I went to sleep at midnight. My sister told me her breathing began being really labored right after midnight. When they came to get me at 4, I ran to her bed. She took one last breath and passed. She didn't let me see her suffer. My Mom took care of me till the end of her life. Looking back over the last two years, many things have been falling into place by the grace of God. My Mom told me in Dec. 2005 that she hoped to visit my brother in Kentucky one more time before she died. In May 2006 for her birthday and Mothers Day she was in Kentucky. She passed 8 weeks later. She had lost a lot of weight of which she was so proud. We now know it was cancer but she didn't know that. I'm very grateful she thought it was her diet. She had bought a beautiful suit to attend my nieces wedding. The wedding was cancelled. Mom had purchased the suit she was to be buried in after loosing 50 pounds. She looked so beautiful in her outfit. She hated Sundays. Living alone, she always said they were so depressing. She died at 4:03 on a Sunday morning. She didn't have to go through another long Sunday afternoon. I believe sick people know when they are close to the end. We all took our turns telling my Mom she could go. We would be Ok. She kept hanging on. We took out some pictures Sat. night and starting telling old stories. We laughed and cried. We laughed about her. We cried about her. They were tears of joy of the memories we would always have with us. Six hours later she passed away. I think she was waiting until she knew we would be OK. Your Mom knows you want peace for her, like we all want for our love ones. Our heads know what is best for them, our hearts say other wise. I am so sorry for your loss. This site helps me so much. Some days are better than others. It is always really bad around the ann. mark. I know this journey will be a long, long, hard journey. I look around and I see people who have lost loved ones before me and made it. Through many tears I'm sure we will too. God speed, Trudy Thanks to whoever gave us permission to ramble.

Strength-Seeker, I think at one time or another we have all felt the same way. My Mother passed away 2 1/2 months ago. She had lung cancer. She passed 3 1/2 after we found out she had. I feel like we were spiraling downward out of control. Everything happened so fast. I felt very much like you did on the 2nd month ann. of her death. I did not want to be around other people. I knew my sister was very down but I could not handle her pain. All I could handle was my own grief. I didn't want to be around happy people either. I made my kids lie and tell people I wasn't home so I wouldn't have to talk on the phone to people. I was sad to the innermost part of my being. I have never experienced such emptiness before. My family doctor advised me to see a counselor. I am seeing him next week. I have been having migraine headache everyday since my Mom passed. My heart aches for you to have to go through this at such a young age. I'm 42. I guess this shows us no matter how old you are grief is grief. And it just plain hurts.... God Bless, Trudy

Ann, I was very touched by something you said. "She knows she loves you." I am so caught up in hurt and pain that I can't feel her around me. All I feel is loss. Those words keep ringing in my ear and are giving me alot of comfort. Since I read those words posted by you I am praying for her to give me signs to let me know she is with me. I'm one of the people who need proof. Well, yesterday, my wind chimes rang. There was no wind. It was her. I just know it was. Thanks for your kind words. Trudy

Haley, I wish I had answers for you. Heck, I wish I had answers for me. Last week, was really bad. I have never felt that low before. I couldn't handle anyone elses sadness but I didn't want to be around happy people either. I have never experienced sadness so deep before. As I stated before, I have been having migraine headaches since my Mom is gone. My Dr. recommended I see a counselor. So next Friday I am going to see him. I can not talk about my Mom without crying. God, I miss her sooo very much. I hate it when people say "You look like you are doing OK". They think because 2 months have passed you are supposed to be better. Wrong! My heart aches worse than ever. Thanks Haley, and God Bless Trudy

Hi all, I am so sorry that all of you are feeling the exact way I feel. I know I have to keep moving for my children and my husband. But somedays it is more than I can deal with to do more than what I absolutely have to do. I can not deal with anyone elses pain. Nor, can I deal with happy times that others are having. I don't have the energy to laugh. It's been 2 months and I just miss her so much right now. I feel like I cried the first month because I knew as an adult how final death is. Now, I cry because she is gone. I go to her grave almost everyday. When do you get that ray of hope to just want to laugh a little bit? Thanks to all for listening.

Haley, I like you had a lot of questions. Did we miss something? Did we give up on my Mom too fast. Did we call hospice in too soon? Could we have done more? As I said before, my Mother lived 3 1/2 weeks after we found out she had cancer. Her 2nd trip to the hosp. (4 days before she died), the Dr. came in and told me we had a choice to make. Give her blood because she was very anemic to keep her going or let God's will be done. I was at the hosp alone. I told the Dr. I wanted to get her home. I did not want her to die at the hosp. and I wanted my brother who lives in Kentucky to come home. He gave her 1 pint of blood. She made it home via ambulance. And my brother made it in that night. After she passed, I felt like maybe I had made her suffer for a couple of days when she didn't need to. I called the Dr. who discovered her cancer. I had many questions to ask him. He was great. He stayed on the phone with me for 30 minutes. Aswered all of my questions. He told me I had to stop beating myself up. My 4 brothers and 1 sister all agree. I just felt so guilty. After talking to the Dr., I felt better. He said she should have been in great pain. She wasn't. He said that was a miracle in itself. I know God blessed us in that she did not suffer but it doesn't help to fill the void of her leaving. I miss her dearly. Somedays it's almost too much to get up and go to work. I just want to stay home and cry myself dry. This site helps me soo much. Sometimes it's easier to talk to people without faces. Thanks for listening. Trudy

Whitony, I read 2 books. One was just about 35 pages long. "Dealing with Grief" The other was "Grieving with the Help of your Catholic Faith". They didn't ease the pain or empty hole I have in my heart but they let me know I am normal. Everything I feel is something that someone else felt going through this. I think they helped me as much as they helped him. On the 16th of this month was 2 months my Mom passed. We also had a mass said on that day. That was very hard. Going back to church was even hard. Everything is hard without her here. I still have to remind myself I can't call her anymore. I get a thought "Oh, I need to call Mom to tell her this" and then I remember I can't. It just seems to get worse instead of better. God Bless, Trudy

Haley, My birhtday was really hard also. The one month anniv. of her death was also very hard. Mom died July 16. My birthday was Aug. 8. My brothers b-day was Aug. 28. We all got together. But it was very hard. I kept thinking she should be here. There was a huge hole where she should have been. Someone posted on their message "Take 20 minutes at a time". That has helped me tremondously. 24 hours without her is more than I can comprehend. I have a picture of my Mom on the back of my work ID. So she is always with me at work. This past weekend we went camping. Halfway there, I realized I didn't have a picture of her with me. I almost had a panic attack. I took out my rosary and started praying. When we got to the campground, I went in my camper and looked at the picture I have of her in there, and just cried and cried. It's going to be a hard year for all of us. Evertime I think of the holidays coming up, it feels like I am about to smother. I just want them to not happen. Good friends, places like this, and God is what is going to get us through. My friends that I work with keep telling me I am expecting too much of myself. I also did a lot of reading on the internet about the 10 stages of grief. It didn't help me to really feel better. But, it did let me know that I was perfectly normal. Grief is grief. One day is OK. The next is a deluge of tears. I hope this helps you as much as expressing what I'm going through is helping me. God Bless, Trudy

Hi John, Welcome to this site. We are all here for the same reason. I lost my Mom 7 weeks ago Sunday. I, too, am feeling all the same things you are feeling. Tired alot, can't sleep at night and I have also started having migraine headaches. The last 5 weeks of my Mother's life were dedicated to her. We put our lives on hold to take care of her. My family (husband and children) graciously stepped up to the plate and started fending for themselves. Thank God for them. When I look at it, I think how lucky I was to be able to be with her every step of the way. From June 9, 2006 until July 16, 2006 (the day she died), I spent every day with her. Almost 24 hours a day. Not many people are lucky enough to say that. And yes, sometimes she didn't feel well, but we were still also able to spend good quality time in her final six weeks. She commented several times that she hadn't laughed that much in a long time. Some days the pain is too great to see the good memories, but I know they are there in the fog. My Mother was a very strong lady. I look to her for the strength to get through this. Some days I feel like I'll make it, others I don't. God Bless, Trudy Shelley, I let my husband read a book about grieving. Since he read it, he talks about my Mom more and seems to be more aware of what I'm going through. Some days are good and some days are bad. Sometimes it still feels like a dream. Thanks for listening and God Bless, Trudy

Lorikelly, You are not crazy. I am at the six week mark right now. Monday for me was really really bad. Sometimes it feels like I have voices in my head SCREAMING "she's gone". And yes, it hits me also at the most unexpected times. Sunday my siblings came over for my brothers b-day. I was fine Sunday but Sunday night and Monday were horrible because she should have been here with us. I knew my Mom so well that I knew when the phone should have been ringing for her to come to my house. I like the idea of taking 20 minutes at a time because sometimes 24 hours is more than I can think of without her. Gook Luck and I'll keep praying for us all to have strength. God Bless, Trudy

Shell, Lorikelly, Starkiss, Thanks so much for listening. You guys seem to know exactly where I am right now. Nobody in my house talks about her. I feel like they have all forgotten about her already yet, she is all I think about. I feel like I am going crazy. Thanks again, Trudy

Hi Lorikelly, That is exactly how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I just can't breath, it is so overwelming. I can't sleep at night. I am having bad headaches. I feel like I am going crazy. I like the idea of 20 minutes at a time because sometimes a day seems like it is just too long without her. My birthday was August 8. I just didn't want it to happen. It was just too painful without her. I can't even begin to imagine what the holidays are going to be like. Everyone tries to be kind and say at least we have good memories and we do. I am so thankful for those. But right now, I only feel sadness. I'm glad to know I'm normal. Thanks for listening. Trudy

Hi, I am new to this. I lost my Mom on July 16. We found out she had cancer June 21. We buried her 4 weeks to the day that we found out about the cancer. Everyone keeps telling me that we have so many great memories and I know that we do. Right now I just can't seem to see them for the grief and the big gaping hole I have in my heart. I cycle between uncontrolable crying to being in denial. I feel like she is on vacation sometimes. I'm still waiting for her to come back. Thanks for listening. Trudy