Trudy1964

I too am happy to see 2006 go as it will always be look upon as the year I lost my Mom. I know 2007 will hold it's challenges. But with my friends here at this site, my family and God, I think I am going to make it. I don't share my feelings well. Here I can come and post to faceless people whom I have the honor of calling my friends. This tiny fact makes it easier for me. No matter what our ages are, where we come from, male or female, our grief is the same. Please know that after the "add reply" button has been clicked you guys are not forgotten until the next day. I ask God every night to please give each and everyone one of you the same peace that I am looking for. I ask him for the same peace for your loved ones. From the bottom of my heart with much love..... Missing my Mom, Trudy

Thanks Derek for your post. One of my main reason for not wanting to get on the meds for so long was my concerns of addiction. My Dr. assured my I don't have anything to worry about and he is keeping a close eye on me. I go in for a check up every three months. But I still am a little leary about it. It's good to know that my body will let me know. Even 5.5 months into this journey and on ambian I still have sleepless nights. Thanks for sharing. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Lori, Ditto everything Shell said. I did not want to take the medicine. I wanted to be strong like my Mom was. I didn't care anymore. I didn't care about my kids' grade, if they went to school or much else. My husband was left to worry about everything else also. The meds and counselor helped me so much. Like Shell said, don't hold anything back from your dr. Are you seeing a counselor. My dr. and counselor are working very close together to keep me on track with my meds. They are deciding what and if I should be on anything. They also let me have a say so that I still feel like I am in control. I'm taking lexapro, topomax (migraines) and clorazapam (for as needed situations). I take the lexapro and tropomax everyday. Tell your Dr. about your stomach. He can tell you what to take when you take it. Sometimes it's a simple as a glass of milk. Keeping you in my prayers. Missing my Mom, Trudy

I want to read this book. Can you tell me who the author is please? My Mom has come to my sister, nephew and brother in a dream. I wish she would come to me. I miss her so much. Missing My Mom, Trudy

Shelley, I'm glad your deciding to stay. Remember, the holidays amplify the hurt you already feel in your heart. My counselor wanted me to up my lexapro. I told him I wasn't going to do it until after the holidays. I know I am going to be down during the holidays. I'm not even going to get a new hair style. I don't make good decisions when I am depressed. My spirit is lifting a small bit now that the holidays are passing us by. I'm not going to up the meds. Your brother-in-law is not going to feel what you feel. Never mind him. You've got family here who know what your going through. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We all feel the same pain. Wishing you peace... Missing my Mom, Trudy

Shelley, I hope you get this also. What's normal? I was the strong one when my Mom passed. I signed all the papers, from hospice, do not resicitate, to the funeral bill. I did it all. I never left her casket. I took the oxygen tube off of her. I made decisions that my brothers and sisters weren't there to help me decide on. Now I'm falling apart both physically and emotionally. They have their moments but I seem to be having a harder time than them. I am on topomax, lexapro, and am seeing a counselor. We grieve in our own time. Our bodies take in only what we can handle. My therapist said if the body had to obsorb such a shock all at one time it would probably kill us. I have a friend who lost her son. His bedroom is still the same way as the day he died. He died when he was 16. He would be 30 this year..... Take care Shelley Missing my Mom, Trudy

Shelley, I agree with Shell. If moving on is going to help you, then I everyone here wishes you all the best. Just remember your posts have helped some many people. Especially me. I hope you find the peace you are looking for. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Shelley, Shell, Lori, My Mom had high blood pressure, lung cancer that had spread to all over in her body, kidney disease and God only knows what else. She wasn't supposed to have salt, salt and salt. When the Dr. came in to confirm the diagnosis of cancer, we asked him about her diet. And I am quoteing him, "If she were my Mom, I wouldn't pour salt down her throat but I would let her have what she wants." He even said boiled crabs or fried shrimp were fine. Those were her favorites. Boiled crabs was the last meal she got out of the house to eat. She died a week later. Now that I'm thinking about it, that's the last meal that we all ate as a family with her. Even my Dad was there. (They have been divorced for 37 years. I have never eaten a meal with both my Mom and Dad. It took my Mom dying to get them together.) Evidently the Dr. knew she wasn't going to be with us long. I think it was more important that we made her happy. Only God knows when her time on earth was up. Not you or I. Take comfort in that you gave her joy with that chocolate. God knows long before that moment how long our loved ones have on earth. I don't think a piece of chocolate or a couple of boiled crabs really made a difference. I hope this helps you find a little peace. Missing my Mom, Trudy

I too am glad to get back to routine what ever that may be. Christmas was our big holiday. It was the one time we were all together since my brother lives out of state. It was just emotionaly exhausting. I'm so glad it's over. I feel like a weight as been lifted off my shoulders. Not only worrying about my reaction but my brothers and sister also. It was hard holding it together for them and watching them try and hold it together. There was a lot of silence. It made me realize Mom was the center of our Christmas even more than I thought... Missing my Mom, Trudy

In remembrance of my Mother, my siblings and I had gifts to share with each other. I had a recipe in her handwriting of seafood gumbo copied onto a plate that she has always made for Christmas when we got together. As I was giving my gifts to my brothers and sister, the lights in the house blinked 3 times. We all looked at each with tears in our eyes and together said "Yes, Mom we know your hear." It seemed to lift our spirits a little bit. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Lori, I know I am repeating what everyone else said but we all feel guilty about something. That is part of grieving. We all loss patience we are sick parents. My Mom was only sick for 3.5 weeks and I remember thinking "If this goes on for 2 years, when am I going to see my kids again. When do I get my regular life back." Five days later she died. I could kick myself in the butt. But try to look at everything you did for your Mom. You cared for her unselfishly for 18 months. Only a very loving, caring, angel on earth could do that for her Mother. My Mom didn't drive. When she was healthy, any checkups, shopping, hair appt., that needed to be done, my sister or I always had to take her. My 4 brothers were never really involved. Sometimes we would get agitated becaused we always had to drop what we were doing to bring Mom wherever she neended to go. Now, I wouldn't have missed it for the would. That was such quality time. Even her dying days. I spent everyone of her last 21 days with her. Good quality time. Some were spent crying. Some were spent laughing. I was with her. Like your Mom, she wanted me there. Lori, you did everything you could. Your siblings missed out on so much. I know sometimes it was hard to watch your mom's suffering. But the comfort you gave her was so gratifying. Take peace in that. I know you will meet your Mom again one day. She surely has a big comfy chair waiting for you in heaven. That will be your reward for how well you cared for her. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Shell, I know your right. I know my Mom would approve of my brother's choice in a wife. She only met her on her dying bed. I don't think she was coherent enough to really know who she was. But she is really good for my brother. She has really brought out the good in him and made him have dreams about a future again. I think my Mom had a part in pointing him in that direction. I don't think she would have let go if she wouldn't have known he was going to be settled and ok. That's going to make the wedding a little easier to get through. This site is such a God send. Thanks for being there everyone. Missing my Mom, Trudy

I'll second that, Jeff. I am also very glad today is over. It was a long hard day. I am emotionaly drained. I was able to keep it together most of the day. But I am exhausted from keeping up the false pretenses. I also visited my Mother's grave. I know her soul is not there but I felt so guilty leaving her alone in the dreary weather at the cemetary. She hated this kind of weather we had here today. (Wet and Windy) I just missed her so much today it was even hard to talk about the good memories without tearing up. Well, at least we all survived. Now if I can only get through my brothers wedding next weekend. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Bernita, I am so glad you saw Dick in your imagination. I think he was telling you he's ok in heaven. I wish my Mom would come to me like that. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Lori, Shell, Shelley, You are not in it alone. If you can jump forward a few months, please take me with you. I hate this. I don't have the strength to fake it. I feel like I am ruining everyone elses holidays. Peace and love to everyone. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Jenn, I wish we all good some good smart advise for you. But bottom line. We all want I loved ones back. I could just slap those people when they make those comments. My Mom was old but she could have lived to be older. Take not one day at a time but one minute at a time. We have already got together for one family gathering. It was just a meal. I just disassociated myself from the whole Christmas holiday. Good luck and I'll keep you in my prayers. Missig my Mom, TRudy

Jeff, I'm sorry you are still going through a rough time. It' been five months that my Mom passed and sometimes I think it still hasn't sunk in yet. As much as I miss her, I do believe the man upstairs had so much to do with the timing. Cancer took her life after only 3.5 weeks of knowing she had it. But I think she actually stopped "living" 4.5 weeks before when she had to start wearing an oxygen bottle. My Mom didn't want to give us kids (I'm 42) any trouble. Worrying about that oxygen bottle was too much trouble for us. She couldn't visit and do the favorite things because we had to worry about hauling it around for her. I really feel in my heart that's when she gave up. God made it quick and painless. I thank him for that. Sometimes it still seams like a dream. I miss her sooo much. Merry Christmas in heaven Mom. I love you. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Thanks Shell, With everything you are going through, you always send the most encouraging words to others. I always look forward to your replys. They are a pick-me-up. Thanks. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Kitty, My Mom also made the decision to go on her own terms. She decided to not take any treatments. She only lasted two weeks. My only concern was that she knew what would happen if she did not take the treatment. Her reply was "Everybody says I'm going to suffer in the end so I don't see no point in putting my self through extra suffering." We had some good quality time in those two weeks. My Mom was 75. I knew my Mom was in her right mind. We discussed what to do with her things. As long as I knew she knew what the outcome was going to be, I had to live with her decision. I don't know if she would have survived a treatment anyway. We found out later that the cancer had spread through out her whole body. At first, I too had trouble living with what she wanted to do. But I know my Mom wouldn't have wanted to live that way. My Mom lived a very healthy life. She hadn't been in the hospital in 40 years. My baby brother is 40 years old. I miss her sooo much. These holidays sure don't help. Peace to you, Kitty. Missing my Mom, Trudy

This is my first Christmas without my Mom. I just want to run away. I don't know how I'm going to make through the next week. I'm just not sure I can do this. I'm always ready to cry at the drop of a hat. Work is also a challenge for me. Everyone is discussing where and what they are going to eat for lunch on Christmas day. I have nothing to say. I don't want to eat lunch. My Mom is not here to share it with me. I am so sorry for all of your losses and your sister-in-laws diagnosis. I will keep her and your family in my prayers. You have been delt more already than most people are handed in a life time. God Bless. Missing my Mom sooo much, Trudy

Derek, Your sadness breaks my heart. Carson is so lucky to have you as you are lucky to have Carson. They say God doesn't send us more than we can handle but don't you think sometimes he has our applications mixed up with someone elses. I know what you mean about people being there for you and yet you are alone. I have a wonderful support group. The people I work with, my family, the list goes on. But I just can't make them understand how I feel inside. Grief changes a person. I don't know if we'll ever be the same people we were before loosing our loved ones. I can't wait for the day when my insides smile just like the fake face I put on in the morning. I have read many of your posts. You write so well. I can't think of a place where Carson would be better taken care of. God Bless you and I'll pray for your peace you are asking for. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Lori, I am taking 10 mg now. I'm going to see how I do after the Christmas holidays are over. I still feel I am probably a little depressed now. But I feel this is expected with these dreaded days coming up. I had no side effects what so ever. Some of my friends did say they gained about 5 pounds. I'm also on topamax for migraines. That causes you to loose weight. My sanity is worth that much. With everything you are going through right now, you don't need the extra stress. If its going to cause you a panic attack, stay home. TAKE CARE OF YOU. You are the only one who knows what you can handle. That's right out of the mouth of my counselor. I'm praying for you. Take care Missing my Mom, Trudy

Lori, I'm not sure if you read my response on the other site. I started taking lexapro for some of the same symptoms. I was scared to take it. I didn't want to wake up 3 years from now and start grieving all over again. I thought I could do it on my own. I almost took a leave from work. I just didn't feel like I could help anybody else because I couldn't help my own self. The lexapro helps bunches. I still feel very sad sometimes. Had a melt down decorating the tree the other night. I'm sad now. But I can take care of my family like my Mom would want me too. I hate Christmas. After the holidays I may even increase the dose. I'm not sure if it's the season or if I'm still depressed. I will pray for you. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Know that we are all here right beside you. God Bless. Missing My Mom, Trudy

Lori, Depression takes everything out of you. It's exhausting. I am on ambian for sleeping at night. Sometimes I still don't sleep when I take it. I was taking that for about 2 months before I was taking lexapro. I starting taking lexapro a month after seeing a conselor. He STRONGLY suggested I get on it. I was having migraines 5-6 days out of 7 and was severly depressed. I still feel sad. After decorating the tree with my kids Wed. night I thought I was having a break down. I almost call my Counselor with a SOS. I didn't want to take anything at first. Thought I could do it on my own because my Mom didn't take anything. She was so strong. Somedays I don't want to get out of my house. Somedays I don't want to talk to people. My heart is still broken into two seperate pieces but now I can take care of my family. I didn't have any side effects. I don't know what the coming days will bring but I am not looking forward to them. I HATE the thought of being around happy people on Christmas Day. We may even stay home. Not sure yet. Take care of your self. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Lori, I am so sorry for your pain right now. You are not alone. As my teenagers say, "The holidays suck." I can't wait for them to be over. I'm sending you a big hug and a prayer. Missing my Mom, Trudy