Trudy1964

Same to you Sandra. Sounds like our situations are very simuliar. Mom found out she had cancer. 3.5 weeks later we lost her. When I think back how fast things went, I still feel like I'm in a tornado. I too have 1 granddaughter (2) and 2 daughters that (14, 15) Christmas has to go on for. Sometimes I think that's a blessing, sometimes I think not. It won't let me curl up in the hole where I want to go into. They have been very understanding about the limited decorations. I don't know where I would be without them or my hubby. I will keep you and everyone else at this site in my prayers. Maybe you could donate money to an organization in her name or something. I'm going to send some money to the hospice group that we had. That way I'm still giving her a Christmas present. And I'm still doing something for her. As long as I can do something for her, I'll be ok. When I can't do anything for her anymore, I just don't know. God Bless. Together we'll all get through this. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Thanks Aeval, Don't think of it as talking about yourself and your situation. It's sharing. That's what we do here. I am also so sorry for the loss of you Mom. It's amazing how things can change so fast, isn't it. Last night we tackled the 4 foot Christmas Tree. It was like closing the coffin all over again. I really don't know how I'm going to make it through this. Many years ago she gave me ornaments that she didn't want anymore. They are probably about 25 years old. When I hung them on the tree, I thought I was going to stop breathing. I don't know how my heart is still working because it is broken in two pieces. Christmas Day - I'm not sure. I'm just trying to disassociate myself with the holiday as much as I can. I'm going eat a big lunch on Monday the 25th. I don't know how much good that will do me. I just want them all to go away. Thanks Aeval. I will keep you in my prayers. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Jeff, Make sure you take time for yourself also. It's good you have your brother's children to help focus on. But you have to have time for you. Right after my Mom passed I couldn't make any headway with anything I did. Sometimes I still feel that way. It's gotten a little better. It will be 5 months on the 16th of Dec. and I only cried 3 times today. We are just trying to survive. Together we will all do it. God Bless. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Thanks Maylissa, Others never blame us. We only blame ourselves. Thank you for your kind words. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Michael, After my Mom died, I felt so guilty about a lot of things. Some of them I still struggle with. She was dying in the hosp. The Dr. came to me and told me we had a decision to make. Let God's will be or we could give her some blood and keep her going for a little while but the cycle would eventually have to stop. Her blood count was deathly low. I was alone at the hosp. and had to decide what to do. My older brother lives in KY and I did not want her to die in a cold hosp. I wanted her to pass with all six of her loving children around her in her house that she was so proud of. But that also meant putting her through (at that point) God only knew how many more days of hell. I opted to give her enough blood so that we could get her home and my brother could come home. We gave her one pint of blood. My brother came home. Then, she passed 2 days later. Through hospice, I learned if we had not given her blood in the hosp. she probably would have died within hours if we had not given her that 1 pint. I struggled with that for many weeks after. Did I prolong her suffering? I called her Dr. and had a long talk with him and he help me see I did what was best for her. She hated the hosp. She would not have wanted to die there. Some times that nagging question creeps back into my head. My head knows the answer. It's my heart that keeps screwing things up. None of my sibling ever questioned my decision. They always felt it was the right thing to do. I guess the struggle is always within the person who has to make those kind of decision. I know it's very hard right now. Try to stop beating your self up. I am so glad your Mom had you. And you had your Mom. You made her so proud. We all secound guess ourselves. It's part of grieving. I am also seeing a counselor. He is helping bunches. (Along with Lexapro, Topamax, and clorapate) You see, most of us here really are a mess too. Missing My Mom, Trudy

Jonquil, So sorry for the loss of your Mom. We are all dealing with the same thing here. My Mom passed in July from cancer also. I'm not sure how we'll make out for the holidays yet. Thanksgiving was just Thursday. We are trying to keep the traditions that my Mom used to have going. I know it will be very hard. I don't know if we will be successful. Just try taking one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. I'm giving advice that I'm having trouble remembering. You've come to a good place here. Everybody listens because we all feel the same pain. God Bless. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Thanks for all your kind words, I am so sorry you guys are all going through the same thing but it sure helps to know that I am not alone. I just can't seem to see my way through all this. Tomorrow night we will tackle putting the ornaments on the tree. I'm sure that will bring on a migraine. Definately many tears. I just feel so sad. I had a really bad night last night and today also. I almost didn't go to work. I know I have to decorate that stupid tree for my kids. They still need Christmas. I just want to run away. Thanks for giving me a shoulder. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Thanks all, Please don't misunderstand me. I love my Dad. But my Mom took care of me. We are going to have the gumbo. My Mom would be so mad at us if we don't have that. I guess no matter what we do, it's going to be supper tough this year. You guys all seem so strong. I wish I could just curl up in a corner and watch. No scratch that. I just don't wan't the holidays to happen. I just miss her so much. This really sucks. Thanks to all who replied. Missing my Mom, Trudy

My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 4 years old. We didn't visit him every other weekend like many children in that situation. Sometimes we would go six months without him visiting us. Needless to say, my loyalties were always with my Mom. As we were growing up, I always made sure my Mom was never alone on holidays. Sometimes that may have meant bringing her with us to the inlaws but she was fine with that. Our Christmas family tradition was for my Mom to make a Cajun seafood gumbo and we all gather together and eat. Now that she is gone, the sister-in-laws are asking in my Dad is going to be there. They say they are trying to get their holiday schedules straight. I just can't handle my Dad being there. I feel like this Christmas is still hers. My step-mom is one of these people who want to tell you how you only have one mom and how lucky we were, yada, yada, yada. I know that. She is a real suck-up. If i would start to cry and she comes over and tells me that, I would hit her. Besides, my Mom hated her. (She's the reason my Mom and Dad split up.) I know we are all going to exchange gifts that remind us of our Mom. She wrote the recipe for the gumbo last year. It was as if she knew it was going to be her last. I'm having this copied in a plate in her handwriting. I know my 5 siblings all have something to share also. I just can't have my Dad here. I'll go and see him. I just can't have him at Mom's Christmas gathering this year. I know my in-laws didn't mean anything by it. I just can't do this. As it gets closer, I feel like I am smothering. I am not handling the holidays very well. I am having Christmas at my house so the I can dictate how much decorations are out. The only thing I have out is a 4 foot tree. That isn't even decorated yet. I just want the holidays to go away. I turn the radio off when a Christmas song comes on. I work in the school system. All we are doing right now is Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. Sometimes I have to walk out of the room. I know I'm going to make it through these holidays because my Mom was a strong person. I will get my strength from her. I would really just like to wake up Jan. 2, 2007. I know I have been rambling. I just needed to get if off my chest. Thanks for listening. Missing my Mom so much, Trudy

Hi Michael, First, I am so sorry for the loss of you Mom. I lost my Mom in July after only 3 weeks of knowing she had the dreaded disease of cancer. Your Mother was very lucky to have you. You did everything you could for her. You were so brave in everything you did. We had hospice come in the last 2 days of Mom's life. I was the appointed nurse (I'm not sure how I got that job). I would ask the hospice nurse over and over again "Are we giving her too much medicine?" She kept telling me that we were making here comfortable and doing what we needed to do for her. Those are images that I will carry in my head for a long, long time. Our only grace was that she was not in any pain. That was God's grace. If she had been, I think I would have taken your avenue. I DO NOT think I could have watched her suffer like that. Loosing her is bad enough. Watching her suffer would have been worse. As for as Christmas, it took me two weeks to buy a 4 foot tree. Time will tell if we put it up or not. God bless you Micheal. You have many friends here who are going through the same thing. I don't post often. I mostly just read. That helps me a lot. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Hi Sandra, I am so very sorry for your loss. I also lost my Mom to cancer in July. We only knew she had it for 3.5 weeks. I (along with my 5 siblings) were with her when she passed. It still doesn't seem real sometimes. Those images popped into my head for quite sometime. They still do on sleepless nights. I can still see her knees buckling when she still wanted to get up but was too weak. She was so strong until the end. Sometimes I still can't function. I end up in a room and don't have a clue why I'm there. Don't be too hard on your self. It justs consumes you. One day at a time. Sometimes it's one minute at a time. Our journey is long but we are here for you. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Penny, I know this must be a very hard time for you. The one year mark and the holidays all rapped into one. Remember, we are all here for you. I think about you often. I knew you would come back when you needed us. You don't have to light the wreath only during the holidays. After my mom passed away, we said a rosary. It was beautiful. The room was glowing with peace. I light a blessed candle when I am home. I feel that same peaceful feeling when it is lit. I also feel my Mom so strong when that candle is burning. She is so close. Just remember, you dad and your sister have to live with what they have done and the choices they have made. They may get turned around at they pearly gates and never get to heaven. You will surely be reunited one day with you Mom and I hope to see my Mom again one day. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Lori, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother and pain you are going through right now. I started taking Lexapro and it helped me a lot. I was very anti medicine. Didn't want to hear about. I wasn't sleeping either. Then the migraines started. I was having them 5-6 out of 7 days a week. Sometimes lasting for days. Lexapro helped me a lot. I still have sad days. I even get depressed. But now I can go to work and function. I can do my job and take care of my kids like I am supposed to. Sleeping, I couldn't sleep at night and yet I was so very tired all the time. The doctor gave me ambien. Grief is exhausting. It takes all of your strength. It drains you. Christmas, that's another story. I too am getting through it best way I can. I'm getting a smaller tree. I can't listen to Christmas music. I don't want to see Christmas lights. This site is such a God send. I know we all come here because of the pain we are going through but it is also a way for us to keep the memory of our love ones alive. Life goes one for everyone else. For us, we are on the roller coaster ride of emotions that has no end. Here, nobody gets tired of hearing about our loved ones that have passed.

I am so sorry for your loss Kayc. It doesn't matter how long their gone. 1 week, 4 weeks, 4 months or 4 years. We all go through it in our own way and time. I don't want Christmas either. I wish those of us who want it could just wake up Jan. 2 and it would all be over. People who are not going through don't understand when we say we DON'T want Christmas. My tree boxes are still in my living room. I think I'm putting the 7 foot back in the attic and going buy a 4 foot. I just can't handle all the "BIG" Christmas things like last year. I too felt like at some points I just wasn't going to get through. I almost took a leave from work. I started having migraines 6 days a week, anxiety attacks, not sleeping. I am now on topamax (migraines) and lexapro. I was very anti medicine. I have always considered myself a strong person. But this is bigger than me. Loosing someone who means that much to you just is life changing. I am also seeing a grief counselor. He is helping me alot. I still get sad. The lexapro lets me function on a daily basis. I still DON'T want Christmas. I have also learned I have some friends I can talk to. And they let me do just that. TALK. They just listen. I don't have to explain how I feel. I don't have to explain why I can't listen to a Christmas song or look at Christmas decoration. I just can't. Others don't understand. They think you are only sad when you cry. They don't understand that the hole is in your heart constantly or that you feel like you have no heart left. Some days you put on an Academy performance wearing that fake smile to get through the day. They think, "She's smiling. She's ok." That's what we're here for Kayc. To just listen. I'll keep you in my prayers. And know that you are not alone in your journey of grief. We are all here with you. My Mom passed away in July after a 3 and a half week battle with lung cancer. I miss her dearly. Missing My Mom, Trudy

Lori, What a beautiful tribute. The world is a better place because of parents like ours. We all get our strength from the people we came from. I wish I had known your Mom. I would have liked to have shared a cup of coffee with her. My Mom is drinking a cup with her in heaven now. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Lori, I am so sorry for you sadness today. As if the holidays are not bad enough, you have the one year anniversary. My Mom passed in July. For me Thursday was just Thursday. When someone would wish me a Happy Thanks..., I couldn't even reply. I'm not sure what Christmas will bring but I'm sure it will not be too great. As for as your husband and Mom-in-law, don't be so hard on yourself. I have learned that grieving takes so much strength and doesn't leave a lot of extra patience for anybody else. Your husband is a big boy. You can't help what you're feeling right now. I also know my Mom would not want me to be so sad right now, but none of us can help how we feel. I would give anything, anything for one more day with her. Take care. And we're here for you because sadly we are all here for the same reason. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Shelley, I know it's not the same but I am sending you a great big hug right now. My Mom's pjs brings me such great comfort, as well as this site. I don't post very often. Just reading what you guys write to others has helped me greatly. It made me so sad for you. I know how lonely I feel. Here's an idea. A friend suggested it to me. Through the holidays, I am keeping a holy candle burning at my house. It makes me feel like she is lighting us the room just like she did in life as well as in death. After she passed, we were waiting for the funeral home to come. Only the immediate family was present. We recited the rosary. You could just feel the room glowing. In death it was the most beatiful thing I have ever experienced. She was at such peace. When I light the candle, I feel that peace and her close by again. My prayers are always with all of you. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Shell, Thanks for reminding me that the holidays WILL eventually be over. It feels like they are going to last forever. I'm so caught up in trying to make it through them that I had forgotten they will end. Thanks. Prayers to everyone. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Seems like loosing them in Jan. or July doesn't make a difference. I am very sorry for your loss. I am just taking it one day at a time. That's all I can do. I am trying to look at it as Thursday is just Thursday. That's the only way I can cope. We are going to my in-laws for lunch. Then my family will be coming to my house for supper. We will be having a weinner roast. Not your traditional holiday meal. But that's the best I could handle for this year. I can't sit around the holiday table without my Mom. I'm not sure what Christmas will bring. One day at a time. I will keep you and everyone else who posts at this site in my prayers. It helps knowing we are not alone. Missing my Mom, Trudy

I don't cry very much either Andrea. My Mom died 4 months ago today. My heart is broken. But I don't cry a whole lot. I'm not sure if that's normal or not. I miss her very much. I don't write very much here. I mostly just read. I don't share my feeling well. That's probably why I'm having migraines. I am very sorry for your loss. The first month after my Mom passed I think I was in shock. It was like it just wasn't real. Sometimes it still feels that way. This is a good place to come to. I will keep you in my prayers. Missing my mom, Trudy

To add to all the responses, I am at 3 1/2 months now. My mom passed July 16. It hurts more than I thought it could. I cried off and on all weekend. I'm seeing a therapist. I'm on Lexapro and topamax because I was having migraines 5 out of 7 days a week. Before getting on the meds, I was considering taking a leave from work. The grief was all consuming. If it were not for my children, I do not know if I would have gotten out of bed in the mornings. When I think of the holidays coming, I could just throw-up. I don't know how I am going to make it through them. This journey is one I was not ready for. All though I guess we never are. Missing my Mom so much, Trudy

What does is mean when you can't cry? I miss my Mom so much I can barely stand it and yet I can't cry. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Lori, Would your Dad let you go and visit after he leaves? I think being able to touch her knick knacks would bring me a lot of comfort also. We sold my Mom's house after she passed so we can't go back. But I do have some pajamas. When I really miss her, I sleep in them. It's like she is holding me in her arms. I'll keep you and your Dad in my prayers. Missing my Mom, Trudy

Lori, Maybe your Dad could only deal with his own pain at the time. My Mom passed away 3 months ago. When I am having a really bad few days, I can't handle anyone elses hurt. I can't even sit by my sister in church because that's the last place I saw my Mom. I can look at my sister and see how she is hurting but can't do anything to help her. Not even to talk to her. I just can't console anyone else when I am on the downward slide of the roller coaster ride of grief. I have nothing left to give anyone else. Missing my Mom, Trudy

I have a pair of my Mom's pj's. When I really miss her, I sleep in them. I feel like I sleep in her arms all night long. Missing my Mom, Trudy