Froggie4635

I recently posted about the car accident that totaled Mark's car...am still processing the whole thing. Have a new vehicle and adjusting to it; trying to personalize it since it is only MY car. I still put Mark's clip on sunglasses on the visor...since I was told he is with me whenever I drive. I will be starting treatment with a doctor as the lawsuit has gotten underway. Some days I delay taking any pain meds (ibuprofen/Bufferin) just to see if things are improving or not. Usually not. I went yesterday without any muscle relaxer, since I forgot to take it the night before...and I KNOW it hasn't really improved much. Insurance screwed me out of $130 when they paid off the car. They waited until I made the August payment on the loan, and somehow paid less than they told me they would just a week before when they said they were totaling it. Should not have deleted that text message. GGGRRR. On a lighter note, I have been seeing a really nice man for about a month and a half. We are taking it slow, but I think he was hand-picked by Mark. He even has the same sense of humor. He checked in on me the Monday after the accident and when I answered the door, he asked me straight-faced, "Where's your car?" and then smiled really big. What really showed me that he is a good guy was on our first meeting, he asked me what I went through when Mark died...what happened that day. He knew I was a widow, because I listed it on my profile (we met on Our Time dating site). He makes me smile, and makes me feel pretty. I have missed that so much. I haven't wanted the attention of a man since Mark died over 2 1/2 years ago. I was afraid I might be too boring for him....but he said that I was FAR from boring. Made me feel good. I told him that I could not tell him how things might go as the trigger months start to arrive (between Thanksgiving and my birthday the end of March). His birthday is December 13 (another Sagittarius...lol) might help this year. I thought in the beginning that I wanted to stay alone...but felt a nudge to get back out there...think it was Mark wanting me to be happy once again. I began removing a lot of the things I put up around the house to strengthen my connection to Mark; but now know that he is in my heart and don't need reminders in every room. Plus, I feel it is not right to bring someone new into a "shrine". There are reminders around that he will never know are there. I think that is fair. I still stop by every so often and check in to see how everyone is...so many who came when I did have gone away.

Kay, In fact, someone gave me a message that Mark was indeed watching out, and kept me from being hurt more seriously. I was told that he is with me each time that I drive. I am sure he is responsible for the witness who gave me her information. I didn't really need someone to tell me that...it helps to have validation though.

I asked the adjuster to give me a picture of the car so I can look at it and feel blessed to still be here. The car was totaled and paid off; I went and got another one on Thursday. A 2011 Honda Civic. I am adjusting to it. It doesn't hold the same special place as my Accord...not yet anyway. I am still processing the whole incident. Waiting for a copy of the police report to close the file on the property portion of the accident. I am still healing, hopefully on all levels. I know that there were special spirits watching out for me.

Thanks everyone. Taking this week off work to rest and begin to heal. Have a test to go to on Friday. Dealing with the insurance companies have given me more stress than the accident. It has been determined that the other driver was 100% at fault, so their insurance company is trying to tie everything up nicely. But I did not ask to be in an accident and now I am hurting and emotional. I cancelled the claim I made on MY insurance...the other insurance company advised me to do so to cover the storage costs on the car. Well, now that liability has been determined, they can pay it all. I also spoke with an attorney about the injuries I am dealing with. It is nothing serious, but I went to work on Tuesday and made it 4 hours. I know it could have been worse, and I am thankful. But I also did not expect this disruption in my life. Yuk!!

I hope everyone is doing ok...sorry have not been on too much. A lot has been going on in my life lately. This passed Saturday, I was in a car accident. I am ok; just sore and bruised. But my car, the one that Mark and I bought together is more than likely totaled. The accident wasn't my fault, but it doesn't change the fact that the last real possession I had that was a connection to Mark is probably gone. I was able to maintain my composure at the scene, but as soon as I got into the house, I fell apart. I know that it was Mark who kept me from getting seriously injured....he even supplied a witness who saw the whole thing and said that I was not at fault. There are things to be thankful for. I am at work today, but not feeling real good. I went to the doctor yesterday and she said it will get worse before it gets better. I have to get something checked out a little further because of how the x-ray was read. But wanted to check in with my forum family....hugs.

Hugs to you, Patti...transitions are never easy, but you have so much waiting for you as you begin this new chapter of your life. Ron is so very proud of you, and you can take this to a place where you can thrive and grow stronger. I know you can do it. Love, Maryann

Sometimes the contradiction comes from what we THINK we should do as a widow/widower, and what is the best thing for us. I did not think I wanted to love again, that I wanted to stay Mark's wife and be done with it. But my heart, and my soul are still filled with so much love. When your heart gets used to being so immersed in love, it aches to try and have it again. I learned how very quickly life can change. If love comes knocking on my door, I am going to answer.

Stepping out into the world of dating is so very scary. And it is only something to contemplate and begin when you are READY. A while ago, I found myself curious about what was out there...and looked at it with totally different eyes now. I used to read in all the grief books about dating again, and I sternly and solidly said NO. I loved my husband and would continue to do so. It was only his arms and his smiles that I wanted around me. But I really began to miss the interaction...the conversations and the just knowing someone else was there and cared for me. It took me a good while to come to terms with the things people had said about Mark wanting me to be happy and not live the rest of my life alone and sorrowful. I have only loved two men in my life, and both taught me so much about love, and about myself. But losing Mark also taught me that life is so short, and you never know how much time you have and what the future holds. For a week and a half now, I have big smiles every day. It feels good to have something to look forward to. I am still so very cautious with my heart and baby-stepping into this. He has been very respectful of that. Right now it is only texting and emails. That is how it was when I started out with Mark; we did not meet for a month after we began communicating. You just have to do what is right for YOU. It is not always a phrase you like to hear when you have lost the love of your life, but life truly does go on. Be patient with yourself, JCHP. Let your confidence grow.

The milestones in my life just keep coming...for the last few months I have been wanting so much to venture out into the world and see what is out there; stepping away from my safe cocoon of grief and widowhood. I have felt something pulling me out. Those who are close to me knew it was never their place to suggest it was "time". I had to make that decision on my own, when I was completely ready. Last week, I stepped out further than I have since Mark died. And for the brief time I was out there, someone entered my life and I was intrigued. At this point it is nothing more than emailing and texting. But it makes me smile to see a message from him. I have begun to release the hold I had on Mark and my loss. I have been getting some signs telling me I was on the right track. I removed so many of the things I felt I needed to remind me of Mark and I realized that he was always there, and that he wasn't going to go away. But I also felt ready to make room in my heart. I decided this weekend to remove my wedding rings and replace it with a simple widow band...a sterling silver eternity band with black stones (cubic zirconia). I am going to put away a majority of the pictures I had all over my house of Mark; things that I put up right after he died to try and hold on and feel close to him. I had to learn that he was ALREADY close and I no longer needed all the reminders. No one can replace Mark EVER. And the things I have left around my home now make me smile instead of feeling somber. Losing Mark the way I did taught me one thing...life is so short. It is one thing to be patient; it is another to keep your life on hold. I felt I needed to keep my life the way it was when I was married. Technically I'm not married any longer. Mark would want me to find happiness and accept it when it walked into my life. I have really gotten re-connected to Maryann. I feel now like I am more than just existing; I am ready to open my life and my heart and move forward into the future.

Dear Anne, When my Annie was nearing the end of her life and needed to be on pain meds, but wasn't eating, it created problems. What I ended up doing was buying a mortar and passel, grinded the pill up and mixed it with peanut butter. She would then take the pill without knowing it. It is a lot of extra work, but sometimes we have to take stronger methods to get the job done. Have you tried the pill pockets that are on the market? People seem to rave about them.

Darrel, Welcome back and welcome to Houston...good to have you here. Finances can wreck havoc on our sanity, and trying to get people to correct their mistakes can drive us to that edge. Sometimes one has to step back and gather our thoughts and find our "center". Let us continue to be your sounding board, and know you are amongst friends here.

I had NO IDEA how just completing this ONE task has affected so many other areas of my life...some good, some creating more adjustments. I actually LOVE driving and am so very comfortable with the day to day driving I do, so much so that I want to drive somewhere instead of going home. I continually push myself out of my comfort zone by driving to different areas and getting into more traffic. I have finally gotten my MIL to accept that I am NOT going to call every morning and every evening. Of course I now am responsible for paying for all the gas, even though I seem to get a lot of mileage out of each fill up. One of the things that is beginning to surface is aspects of grieving that I did not really deal with because I was spending so much time (in person and on the phone) with Mark's mom. I find I feel more anger now; anger that is not necessarily directed at any one thing. I no longer am feeling under the thumb of my MIL, so now it is ALL ME and MY feelings. I am feeling more emotions bubbling just under the surface, especially when I witness anything that has to do with couples...weddings, engagements, anniversaries. Now that I am with just me more, I can begin to feel the aloneness. I don't mind being alone; have always had a small circle of friends. I was alone for quite a few years before I met Mark and I am settling back into that. The difference now is that if I am tired of being alone, I can jump in the car and go be with people. I now have more choices, and that creates both pros and cons...especially for someone who hasn't enjoyed making choices and decisions since Mark died. Every so often when driving to work in the morning, I can hear Mark saying, "you're doin' it". It's funny how losing the most important person in your life really takes away a lot of fear. I've been through the worst thing that could happen and made it. The one thing I was afraid of doing, I conquered it. I'm not ready just yet for any new challenges. I have been off kilter for most of this month, between having so much time off, and having to disassemble my office and my sanctuary because we were getting new carpet. I need to get everything back in place and get back in my routine before I am ready to take on anything new. But, like Mark has been telling me...I'm DOIN' IT!

Decided to take advantage of the wonderful Houston weather, and the Passover holiday and take a few vacation days. I have already painted my front door a beautiful pansy purple, erected my rooster artwork creation and I just took down the blind in my bathroom (Mark had put this up the first Christmas we were in this house), and "frosted' my window with vinyl coating. It is going to be time to add new plants, since it has gotten too warm for my favorite pansies. I have had to deal with mice, I chased them from the house by spraying a mixture with peppermint oil and water around the doors. I haven't seen any evidence of them lately. I have a couple writing assignments to get underway for the Grief Diaries book series. My brain is more on projects around the house, so creative writing has to wait. I don't seem to be able to be creative and project completion minded at the same time. At work we are going to be getting new carpet, so that meant a lot of boxing stuff up (and we had no AC because they are replacing the chill tower) before I went on vacation. I had to take down all my decorations and pictures in my cubicle. Will have to think about refreshing some of them when I set it up again. I got through my birthday, so I don't have anymore events or holidays to mark until fall. I still have that feeling of anticipation (with no real event to anticipate), and it is kind of affecting my focus. I met with Rabbi Jill to find out how to approach a conversion. I let my guard down and lots of feelings came flowing out. It could take between one to two years to complete it.

Not sure where to put this post...last night while watching "Long Island Medium" there was a father looking to get a message from his son that had passed. Something that was said really touched me and made me start to cry. He was told that the reason he wanted to spend so much time with his son during his life was that somehow his soul knew he wasn't going to get much time with his son. I always felt that way about Mark. I ALWAYS wanted to spend my time around him...not only because I was in love with him so deeply, but that somehow perhaps I knew that he wasn't going to be in my life for very long and I wanted to get in as many memories as possible. There are times I feel terrible that I took for granted that we would have YEARS and years to be together. I know he left this world a contented man.

Anne.... Thinking of you today. Hope you can feel the hugs coming here from Texas. Maryann

Dear AB, I am not sure where I fall in the age range of the forum...I just turned 55. I don't feel like a young widow, but like you I did not have the number of years with Mark so many of our posters had with their spouses. Mark and I met in our 40's...first marriage for the both of us. We had learned what we did and did not want in a relationship; we were both very cautious at first. But it was an almost immediate feeling that we REALLY clicked. Both of us had been waiting our lives to find that one person who "got us". We did not quite make it to our sixth anniversary. We had made all our plans and decisions on being together for a LONG time. We kind of knew that we wouldn't celebrate a golden anniversary. Now that he is gone, I don't think much about the future. Just like George said, I don't think my heart could handle thinking about the coming years without Mark. I am coming up on 28 months he has been gone. There are many times that it feels like no time has passed at all; but then I wonder what has happened to the last 28 months? I read some of the articles and books written by young widows; most times they have children to take care of...I have our three dogs. I can't lose my life in them. I am sure you have had your share of people trying to encourage you to love someone else because of your young age. Of course I wish I would have had more time with Mark; he brought so much sunshine to my life...but it is a waste of energy to wish for something I cannot change. I think that is where some of my anger comes from...wanting something that I CAN'T have. I try not to think about it too much....but there are days it rears its TRULY UGLY head and it takes all my strength to work through it. All you can do, AB, is feel your feelings and stay in the present. You have many people here that can relate to your struggle.

One can NEVER truly know what is around the next corner...I never expected to find my husband in a Yahoo chat room 11 years ago. When I gave it a try and went through the process of creating a profile, and it spit out some pictures of men...I suddenly felt really guilty and then I knew that I was still so very much in love with Mark and it wouldn't be fair to me or anyone else to try. I need to learn to comfortable with myself and my loss before I try and include that in a relationship.

Thanks, Kay. That kind of sums it up for me. There have been times that I haven't responded to phone calls (I only have a cell phone and I don't always keep it where I am) and when I see she has called FOUR TIMES in a matter of a few hours and I call...she is close to crying because she was SO afraid something was wrong and was going to drive over and check on me. I then feel bad because I did not have my phone near me and did not get her call. But I am busy at home. I have three dogs and a house that needs tending to. My attention span is terrible, so I kind of flit around from project to project. The only person that I got used to bringing my problems to was Mark and now he is not here. So I have to learn to work through things myself. I can't do that with someone hovering. And if I proceed with the next change I am looking to make, she will REALLY have a hard time with it. I am contemplating becoming Jewish. I feel Jewish by osmosis, working here at a Jewish facility for almost 15 years. I wasn't raised with any sort of faith. I do know what I am not comfortable being around, and going through this loss, I feel something missing and a desire to fill that void. It was a whisper the other day that caught my attention, and that whisper turned into a desire to learn more about it.

Ever since Mark died, I have had contact with his mom almost daily. If I am not in her presence, we talk on the phone. Part of it was necessity; she wanted to be my ride to work. I know she wanted to "take care of me" in whatever way was possible, and I appreciate all that she has done. But I have never really had a chance to stand alone in my grief. We all need support, and someone to listen. But her and I never really talked about grief much at all. We talked about Mark, which I loved. I like any opportunity to hear his name or be told a Mark story. I know I am the strongest connection to him for her. Now that I have gained my independence (and really enjoying it), and have a strong need to stand alone and come out from under her protectiveness. Part of me believes I haven't shouldered the full brunt of my grief just yet, or am I misguided? She still wants me to call her when I get to work, and when I get home...and I am beginning to feel a bit smothered. Is that wrong? I do not know how often she called Mark, but I know when she asked him to do something, he jumped and did it. She kind of wants to mother me, and I am having a hard time with that. Do you think my relationship with her has been a crutch of some sort? Mark and I used to joke about creating a "married to the Muellers" support group for all of us who married into the family. I just feel this strong desire to stand on my own and face grief. I have had so much support this entire time from friends and co-workers, and of course from Mark's family. I just feel the need to step out from the protection.

When I was involved in a loss of spouse group a while ago, I left it because at the last meeting I attended, one of the wives said she was already out looking for someone; that she spent time at bars and wanted to find someone. I left the group because i didn't want to stand in judgement. I personally felt that was wrong...how could she be crying and grieving and mourning her husband and looking for a replacement so soon afterwards. I don't have anyone pushing me or asking me if I was dating again. It would be none of their business if I were. I tried getting onto a dating site; even created a profile (though not completely). But before the hour was up, I went in and deleted it. I wasn't ready. I may NEVER be ready. It would not be fair to get involved and have someone give me their heart, when my heart STILL belongs to Mark. As I have confessed to those who are close to me, I am still very much in love with my husband. I think dating would really confuse me, and I would probably talk too much about Mark. I was alone and on my own for over 4 years before I met Mark. I went out and met men, but it never worked out. I really enjoy my solitude, especially now that I am beginning to work on a writing career. It has only been 27 months since Mark died. To some that sounds like a long time, but it's not. I am just gaining my independence now that I can drive myself where I need to be, and have more grieving to do. I have been spending part of almost each day with Mark's mom since he died and haven't really had time on my own away from here to grieve. I know that sounds weird. She has always been there in the background, so I haven't really been on my own two feet alone to grieve. I have noticed a lot of anger coming out when I am frustrated, anger like I have never had in my life before. Working through all these relationships and feelings, it would not be possible to look for someone to share my life with.

I consider myself a pretty competent person, but I too will look something up on the internet. Mark was like a walking encyclopedia. He was so smart and had so much knowledge in his brain. When I begin to attempt something that would have fell under his area of expertise (which was a LOT) and I begin to struggle, I get REALLY mad and angry because I HATE struggling with something. When I am doing something as simple as cleaning (here's a laugh for you George) and it turns into a Three Stooges event, I have literally taken a broom and slammed it to the ground because it was the only thing that did NOT fall over. Patty, I am so sorry you have all this to deal with....and I know what it feels like to not have that rock to lean on. Mark's advice was what I relied on and trusted in. Just having someone who has your back at ALL times; it can't be replaced. It's funny though; when we think we no longer have any fight left is when it comes on the strongest.

Dear Cookie, I found myself getting emotional during the interview; probably because I haven't told the story for so long. But like you, I have gotten conditioned to no longer show all my emotions at work or around people I don't see too often (Mark's family). It doesn't mean that I don't miss Mark or that I have stopped grieving. There are plenty of triggers that poke at the hurt. The other day, a thought entered my head that I wanted a picture of Mark and I holding hands; never had an official wedding shot of our hands and rings. Well, I found one shot of us saying our vows and I zeroed in on our hands, cropped it and enlarged it to print. Before I knew it, I was sobbing....something I haven't done in a while. That's not to say that tears do not flow regularly. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, okay? Coming from someone who is SO VERY hard on themselves, you are where you are supposed to be.

I have felt the same way. I think it is one of the reasons why I was not scared when we had the recent bomb threats here in our facility. I guess part of me doesn't believe it would happen, but also part of me would see it as a way to get to be with Mark. We did not have any children and although some family and friends would mourn my passing, it is just kind of a waiting game right now. I find things to occupy my time and go along in my life. But Mark was my soulmate and I still feel like a huge part of me is missing. I am not sure why I did it, but I felt the need to find a picture of our hands; we never had an official one done when we were married (Mark was a mechanic and he didn't like the looks of his hands). Well, I cropped one from a photo when we said our vows. I started sobbing when I saw it. I miss being able to touch his hands. I think about finally being able to once again be with him. Even if I were diagnosed with a serious illness, not sure how much I would fight it. I know I am still here because I have a purpose, just as we all do. People say losing someone you love should teach you to appreciate life...well, actually experiencing a sudden death should REALLY teach you that; here today, GONE just like THAT. Some days it is easier to appreciate and be grateful; it isn't an everyday occurrence. Some days it is merely marking a day off of a calendar.

It was a good experience. Our conversation lasted just about 2 hours. It was amazing how emotional I still got talking about Mark's loss. A good bit of it was opened questions and Erin was a GREAT listener.

Never mind the idea. Just delete the thread. I guess I will just venture over to Widow Village.