Froggie4635

Dearest Marg... That cardinal WAS a message; a sign. He was waiting for you. It is hard sometimes to allow ourselves to "believe". You have so much going on in your life, no time to LOOK for signs/messages. So here was one sitting on your railing. Smile.

Marg, You are right...the person I was when I met Mark blossomed into someone completely different. He opened me up like a flower, because he loved me...and he raised my confidence. Before I met him, I was a strong woman...always have been; strong because of the things i had been through and survived. He always told me how much courage it took to move across the country without really anything in place, other than a place to sleep. He was amazed by that. What I was actually doing was running towards finding a new life. But now, I don't WANT to run to find a new life...so it is kind of the complete opposite of when I moved to Texas and began a new life. I was excited and eager...and lonely a lot of the time. But I kept hoping that love would find me. And it did. And it transformed the woman I was when I met Mark. He saw something in me and helped give me what I needed to bring it out. How one simple action, one simple life changing event...and I am back at square one.

Amy, Great pic and great post...it is that taking it an hour, a day, a week, a month at a time that people who have not lost their spouse can't grasp. My emotions (mood swings) are worse with grief than I ever had with PMS. At least with PMS, I knew when I would be normal again. I am going to keep what you said in my head to help pull me out of those really darker days....to try and be the woman that Mark fell in love with. And to find a way to get there. Everything you said was very wise.

Do you perhaps think there might be someone that your mom needs to see before she lets go? Or perhaps there is someone around who she can't let go of? I have seen many shows that talk about departing loved ones. The person who has lost someone, but wasn't there for the final moments and feels guilty...they have been told that their loved one could not leave while they were there...that it was too hard and they couldn't break away. Perhaps she is aware of just how much time she has left to live...and wants every second of it. There are so many questions without answers. If only there was a manual on all this.

I do okay with music, except on days like today. It's funny. The other day, I was working on putting some cds in a case to hold them. They were Mark's Jimmy Buffett cd's. I like mine in a case, in pockets; he kept his in the jewel cases. They get so scratched and cracked, and putting them in a case takes up less space. Well, when I was putting his cds in the new case I bought specifically for them, I kept having to fight to get them in the case. After about 4 of them, I yelled out to him..."you're not here anymore and I am doing these the way I want".

I finally was able to box up my pieces. Now I am going to have to get them shipped.

There are many articles out there about grief brain or widow brain. Just google the phrase and see where it leads you.

It has always been about "permission" all along. Permission to grieve as I saw fit, permission to step out of it for a while and take a deep breath. Pulling yourself out of that dark place takes SO MUCH WORK. Doing things gradually for me is difficult. I have always been an all or nothing person. But realizing that I CAN'T do it ALL is so hard to deal with. I'm supposed to grieve, supposed to find happiness, supposed to keep functioning in my every day life. Using the word HAPPY just doesn't work. It leads to comparing being happy before and after. I have lost direction. Today is a really down day, and my words are going to sound negative and depressed. I am struggling. I know I am a strong person, but I am so exhausted by all the things I am SUPPOSED to be doing. I worry about finances, the heat is almost unbearable here in Texas right now...am having a harder time this summer than last (although not sure I remember much about last summer). And it doesn't help that right now I am missing Mark so very much that I can't breathe. I lose myself in binge television and have been so cranky, I don't like being around me very much. I have given myself permission to laugh when something is funny and have still been trying to satisfy my creative urge. I am finding ways to give to other people; that has always made me feel better. But my mind is still a mess and focus is a problem. I know everyone has their struggles; I read them in all the posts. And I should be grateful that my struggles aren't as difficult as others. But they are MY struggles, and now there are things that weigh on me that I used to share with Mark. And sometimes my knees buckle. But I keep going because there is no other option.

(((( Gin)))) I know that must be hard. I still have Mark as my beneficiary on my work insurance policy. Don't really know anyone else I could change it to.

I had an opportunity to be a part of the Grief Diaries series of books. I just got notification that the book I wrote for was just recently published. Grief Diaries: Hello from Heaven is made up of many people who have experienced after death interaction from their loved ones. I am eager to received my copy. I did it so that people will gain hope in knowing that our loved ones are DEFINITELY still with us, and let us know all the time. Sometimes we are just so overwhelmed in our hurt and grief, we do not see or know it.

Terri, What you wrote could be my life history...had a lifetime of lessons on how to be so very hard on myself; to never be seen who the person I was and the value that I had. Instead I tried to make myself feel better by eating, then shopping, and like you making many poor choices, which then made me practically worthless in their eyes. I don't know how I held on and found the strength I know I have. Like you, once I met Mark and he came into my life, other people's opinions did not matter one wee bit. He never tried to change me. He loved me...he was one of only two people in my life who REALLY loved me. Oh, I know my aunts and cousins loved me...but that was different. I'm not sure where it is coming from today, but I am very weepy/emotional and missing my husband so very much. I miss when I have had such a trying day, and he would listen and say how proud he was...and I would feel all renewed. I don't think I am strong enough to do that for myself right now. I found forgiveness for my parents, who did only what they knew how/were taught about raising children and being parents. I know they were not happy, did not really like themselves because THEY had probably not been around people who helped them feel that they mattered. Mark and I mattered to each other, and that made everything so wonderful. And it is so hard to not have that anymore.

I signed up with WordPress a while back, when my best friend was trying to encourage me to write. Will try a couple of their free online courses and see what happens. See Amy, you are being an inspiration.

Amy, Loved the blog update. Wish I would have done one...wonder if it is too late.

I think about my dad a lot, and how much he had to be hurting after my mom died. I am hurting so very much, and Mark and I were not in each other's lives even 10 years...my mom and dad were together over 40 years. If it were possible for me to know, I would have done anything to help...but of course you do not know this kind of pain until it touches your life. I have a friend telling me that I need to be HAPPY, that every day is a new beginning and I should take advantage of that. I know he is just trying to be encouraging...he and I have been friends since 1982, and he has seen me through many phases of my life. But he has never been married, and has never lost a spouse. and now I know all those sayings about trying to explain it to someone who hasn't been there. Amy, I just passed 19 months and I know exactly what you say. We do what we can, and keep moving forward.

Dear Terri, I remember getting one of those bags. The only thing Mark was wearing when the ambulance took him was his pajama bottoms. They are still in the hospital bag. I put the bag inside the bedside table. I am still getting junk mail with his name on it; I continue to put it in a drawer...just can't toss it into recycle. I closed his Yahoo account a little while back...he used to get tons of spam and I got tired of going through them. His Facebook account is still open, but it has been a while that I went and read anything on it. I guess I am lucky that we kept so many things separated. Triggers are truly everywhere. Hugs to you...

Terri, I started writing in a journal the beginning of the year 2015 (Mark died on Dec 4, 2014). I do not think I wrote every day; I still do not write as often as I think would help. I try and do it each Saturday morning. I created a special music cd to play while I write. I don't find it possible to do it during the week. My thoughts are too scattered and responsibilities make it tough to settle long enough to get them on the page. Most times I am writing to Mark...but after taking the Write Your Grief writing course, writing from a prompt seemed an interesting way to get thoughts centered.

Terri, I don't always read every day, it is on my desk at work. I try and read ahead through the weekend days on Friday. If my mornings aren't too hectic when I get it, I will pick it up and read it. I don't like to carry my books back and forth from home to work, because I know I will forget it and then find I want to read it, so if one of the days quotes/thoughts really touches me, I will write it down and then write it in my journal at home and respond to it. It is kind of like giving myself a writing prompt.

NIce to meet you Charlie... Congrats, Terri

What I have done in the past is if something someone said or posted really touched me or helped me, I copy and pasted it to a word document. I recently went and copied all the things I posted about my story and put it into a document. One day I will print them all out and have my thoughts all in one place.

Another excerpt from "hope & healing for transcending loss" by Ashley Davis Bush: "Sometimes you might skate along the surface of your grief. It is there below as you move over it. And other times, you drop deep into the depths of the abyss that is grief. There, you touch the center of your pain. Both places are important aspects of your progress. Both have their place. " Accept where you are today, whether you're on the surface or deep down with your grief.

Our society has reached a point where EVERYTHING must be posted, or tweeted. I have stepped away from Facebook and I do not tweet or text or snapchat. It has gotten out of hand where everyone thinks everything should be public and everyone wants to know everyone's business. Putting things on social media before the dust has even cleared, before charges are leveled in crimes, or if it WAS a crime. We have gotten to the point where we rush to judgement, inciting riots and people who then feel the need to take justice into their own hands. There has been, in my eyes, an overabundance of leniency and people doing whatever they feel like doing. It is like Pandora's box...once we let it out to run, there is no gaining it back. Instant gratification is now what is expected.

Thanks, Marty... Sometimes it just feels like an uphill battle. Each time you find some solid footing, something knocks you off it, or it crumbles away.

I really truly regret turning on the news this morning. How is it possible to find some sort of peace after what we have experienced when the world just seems to have gone completely crazy? It makes me thankful that I do not have children/grandchildren. This feeling of everything being so unsettled so much of the time is just too much. It makes it hard to find peace. You work hard to regain some sort of solid footing, and that gets shaken by events that really have nothing personally to do with you. I guess I should feel good that these events DO affect me, that I am not dead inside and I don't hide my head in the sand. But on the other hand, it is so difficult to calm myself when things become so unsettled. Does anyone else feel the same way?

I guess I am lucky for my three fur babes. I never walk into an empty house, and they are so happy to see me (although I know that most of it is because they have to go outside). Mark used to tell me that he didn't get that kind of greeting when he came home at lunch. I seriously doubt that, because I know how much they loved him. I still see it when Pongo turns his head towards the door when he hears a car door slam. It does not take the place of Mark being there; not by any means. But they need me when I wake up and they need me when I walk into our home. I think the only time I really felt the emptiness was the time I was going out of town, and a friend came and took them to his home. After they pulled out of the driveway, I cried so hard. Mark and I had a similar conversation after our little Annie died. We sat in our home, and he said he had no idea how empty a home could be...how much a little dog filled it up. It was all the LOVE that was present for that little girl that made it feel so full...I am hoping to find that one day; all the LOVE I had for Mark will one day make the house feel full again. I still do a lot of almost mindless roaming around when I am not at work...so many things I could be doing, but don't feel like it.