Froggie4635

Those monthly "anniversaries" seem to sneak up. Sometimes it is good that they happen and we kind of "forget" for a day or so. But it is then that we can look at perhaps why we were feeling a certain way, or in a certain mood. Sometimes the idea of moving further away in time from "that" moment is unsettling. I remember after we were married, and the "months" would come and we would acknowledge it, still feeling like it was so fresh and new. Is grieving the same way? At 19 months, I still considered us newlyweds. How does that correlate in grief time?

Mark never seemed to be someone who sat idle for too long (unless he had just come home from working in the heat all day), so when he got up and did stuff, so did I. I felt so much younger when he was around...we DID stuff and laughed and talked. Now it just feels like "why bother".

I guess I could say that I also compartmentalize things. But like Kay said, right now the only productive things I do is go to work, take care of the dogs, clean around the house, and do those things necessary (grocery shop, cook, do laundry). Summer has descended, and I am having an awful time dealing with the heat. It is not even cool at 6 am now, so I do little venturing out beyond what is needed. I was off for 5 days, and for a good part of it, I sat on the couch and watched television. I still seem to wander through the house seeing so many things I COULD take on, but just do not feel the urge/motivation. Having three dogs makes house cleaning an uphill battle, and in the heat it makes it harder physically. Sometimes I really feel like crying, but it is like there are no more tears to shed. I stayed to myself on July 4th and could not figure out why I was so cranky...I blamed the heat, and when I realized it on Tuesday when I went back to work, the 4th was 19 months Mark had died. I do try to keep sorting and organizing. But I have really learned to keep my grief to myself...to the point where if I begin to discuss "how I am" and think about it, the emotions rise to the surface. Just typing this and thinking about how it hurts makes the grief come on stronger. As long as I do not encounter any additional stress, I can maintain...but as soon as something makes me feel stressed or pressured, I can feel my facade begin to crack. I imagine only time will lessen all this.

Took an extra long weekend away from work. I don't normally like to take time off in the summer, mostly because it is too hot to do anything unless you get up and do it at 4 am. I've just been doing some simple things...seems like I am forever organizing and sorting. I just got back from dinner with my mother-in-law. While there, she pulled out a picture that her sister gave her. It was of Mark sitting at the table and smiling. I noticed that it was from before we got married, for there was no wedding ring on his hand. It is a very weird feeling seeing a new picture. I borrowed it and made two copies...blew it up as much as I could. I didn't immediately start crying, but oh how it made me feel how much I am missing him and how much I want him back. I also got a letter from Life Gift, acknowledging the letter that I sent to the recipients of Mark's corneas. They apologized for being so very behind; they send them out in the order that they are received. They prepared me for the possibility of not getting a response. sometimes it is truly difficult for the recipients to express how they feel. It's okay. I merely wanted them to know how unselfish and caring Mark was. It is very hard wanting something that I can never have...to go back in time and have him here.

Another wonderful excerpt from "hope & healing for transcending loss" by Ashley Davis Bush for today's date, June 25 "Grievers are there for each other. A certain magical connection is woven between and amongst people who understand and have known deep sorrow. You can feel it in grief groups. You can feel it in online communities. This connection is a healing balm. Know that as you reach out to another in pain, you are both healing. And as you receive love from another griever, you are both growing. "

Kay, You gave it away when it was time to give it away, and seeing the reaction of the person who received it was the perfect way to know it was the right time and right person. I think that Mark was whispering in my ear the other day about his ring. It had to do with his godson. We did not have children, but Mark was especially proud of his godson and thought the world of him. So who better to receive Mark's ring when the time comes. I am sending him a note that when he meets someone who becomes his world and he joins his life with hers, then a part of Mark will be go with him. When I told his mom, I saw the emotions, just as you did. So I know the choice is right.

Dear Marg... I have never been one to hijack a post/topic. But I didn't want to start a new one just for this purpose. I have never come as close to walking away from this forum as I did this morning. Perhaps I was just feeling sensitive, but I also felt like I had been slapped and chastised. We have all become familiar with most of the regular posters here. When someone has been away, we get concerned; when someone new comes along, we all welcome them with open arms, even if we all do not post a hello message. I had not posted in a while, and I was in a strange frame of mind last night, when I posted a response to your message, Marg. Weekends are sometimes kind of a roller coaster, and not sure from Friday night until Sunday night just where it will take me. I hope I never come across as judgmental or self-absorbed. Like many people who find their way to this forum, sometimes I find myself simply reading posts and not making any comments...most times that is because I really do not feel I have anything more to contribute than what is said. I have never been a fan of the 'likes" option...not here or on Facebook. I took a break from Facebook because my best friend felt I wasn't giving her enough attention, by liking or commenting on the things she posted. She also said she understood and loved me, but all I seemed to post were things about grief everyday. I understand that everyone wants to be heard and acknowledged, and I hope when I do try, that you all know my heart is in the right place. But to have someone message me and be upset because I overlooked their message just made me feel, and pardon my French, really "shitty" and selfish. I count myself lucky to not have to deal with so many other things in my life other than the grief for my husband...and my heart goes out to all of you. I have found more confirmation here on this site than in any other area of my life. I don't go back to my old posts to compare how far I have come, because I have many people tell me that they see it. I know I have made great strides, and I feel it is my role to pay it forward and try and help those who are just beginning their journey. I am not emotionally ready to take on someone else's hurt on an on-going basis. It has been a while since I have vented, and I think I am done now. Thank you everyone for all the caring and support that has been given to me; it is one of the reasons that I am still moving forward. We all should give ourselves a pat on the back, for having the strength and spirit to keep moving on a journey that we never wanted to have to be on. We are ALL survivors.

Dear Marg... It seems that my story is probably the opposite of yours. Mark and I used to make note that because of the late age that we married (and family history) that we would probably not see a 50th anniversary. We never thought or talked about one of us being without the other, except once. When Mark accompanied me to a doctor appointment, and the things the doctor was telling me scared him (probably more than it scared me). He told me that if I were to die, that he would never be able to stay in our house without me...that he would probably have to burn it to the ground. Mark was lost and resigned to living his life alone. How was I to know that I would meet someone who fit me so well. We never made it a point to plan any excursions, but there was always some place that he had been to that he always wanted to take me to see. One place for sure was my home town...he wanted to see where I grew up. He regretted he was never able to meet my parents; my mom had already passed when I moved to Houston, and Dad died not long after Mark and I got engaged. Mark, being a truly Southern gentleman, said many times how he had wanted to ask my dad for my hand. We knew we were never going to have children, but we adopted our fur-babes together. We never got a chance to take a honeymoon. We were heading to our 6th wedding anniversary when he died. He LOVED being a husband and he was good at it. I fit well into the role of wife. He had his demons, and I would have done anything to make those go away. Our life was so simple. We found it an adventure going to an antiques mall. Before we had a car, we would jump on the bus and explore. The only time things would get tense was when his demons came out of hiding, and he would spiral, and get sick...then get better and we would once again find ourselves looking to create memories. All the memories we made are even more precious to me now, because there will be no more new ones, and I feel cheated. And yet, Marg, we both feel the same emptiness. This second year of grief is all about the secondary losses, and the reality of living without the one person who was our world. Picking up the pieces and starting a whole new life...one that we didn't ask for. A tough pill to swallow sometimes. I feel your pain, Marg.

Stephen, I am looking for something to be able to ship some pieces. Since they are mosaics, I can't roll them and put them in a tube. Will pull something together this weekend. Maryann

Brad... I have always used valerian to help with sleeping and no grogginess. It is stronger/different than melatonin.

Kay... I think that is the MOST important thing. When something difficult presents itself, we can either try and figure it out, or find a way to get it taken care of. If it is not life threatening or affecting our finances, sometime we can just forget about it. It is part of that learning to adapt. Would it be better if they were still here to fix/take care of it. You bet your bonnet. But we no longer have that option, and that just plain sucks.

Dear Marita, Sudden loss will automatically put you into a deep fog...my husband, Mark died sudden and unexpectedly of a heart attack, and I know I felt in a fog about everything until about maybe 2 months ago. I just passed 18 months since he has been gone. Along with the fog has come a messed up brain. Multi-tasking is no longer possible for me. You are at 6 months...it is completely understandable and normal to feel in the fog. I am probably at a point where I could try to do new things, but I don't want to get frustrated. I had a driving lesson last month. The instructor was working on teaching me to parallel park. Well, when he was taking me step by step through it, I did it perfectly. Then he asked me to do it again, and I could not remember a single step he had told me. I completely spaced out. I still have times where I space out; if I try and add something new to my morning routine, I forget to do something else. I also feel like this loss has aged me. When Mark was alive and we were together, I always felt so much younger than I actually was (and looked it). Now, I lost that youthful feeling. I am basically on autopilot. Get up, take care of the dogs, go to work, come home, take care of the dogs, eat dinner, watch television and go to bed. If I try and change things up too much, it is like I am thrown into turmoil, and lose what solid footing I have found. The dogs keep me from being lonely...Mark and I were not very social people. We kept each other company. I miss his presence immensely...more than words can say. Hugs to you.

No Mitch... I was just stating it is not just men who were "conditioned" regarding showing and expressing emotions. It has always been stereotypical that men be strong and not cry and be emotional. Am not sure what point I was trying to make... but there are some women out there who had to learn to be comfortable with showing/dealing with emotions. As I said, it is great to be among men who can.

Well, guys...there are some women (me) who were taught/ treated badly when emotions were shown. I remember the first time I came home from school and someone had hurt my feelings and I cried to my mom, looking for comfort and understanding. Well THAT didn't happen, so I was taught that emotions were no good in our house. The only time I remember my mom crying, was when I was moving out of the house and she was crying because I was leaving HER and she didn't understand why I had to go away. The night my brother and I had taken my mom to the ER, and she was diagnosed with cancer I cried all alone. It is not always men who LEARN to not show emotions. I remember the day I had to put down my Annie, and I fell into Mark's arms. I finally knew what it felt like to be comforted. I, for one, am so glad to be in the presence of such truly understanding and comforting gentlemen.

Stephen, I would love to donate some of my art work. I haven't done a new one since before Mark died....mostly because we had a new puppy and I had no true free time to do any art, especially art that includes cutting pieces of paper and having stuff fall to the floor. I think Mark would love for me to get back into it for a great cause... a place that has helped me along my journey. Keep me updated as to a time frame and how soon you would need to receive the pieces. Maryann

Dear Mitch... I understand exactly how you are feeling. I take time off because I need the physical rest, but then I feel I need to DO stuff because I have the free time. It is a double edged sword. I have a little saying I keep on my desk at work, and on my television stand at home..."Let Whatever You Do Today Be Enough". It is kind of my new mantra for a while. I work from 7 to 3 every day. It is nice to get home and have some time to still do some things. But the motivation is rarely there. Now that I am feeling a little better physically because I finally got some rest when I sleep, perhaps I will take advantage of the time (except now the Texas heat has arrived and I come home in the hottest part of the day). The dogs take a lot of my energy. When we are home immersed in all our memories, it makes it tough. But when I am away from home...it is the only place I really want to be. Hope you get some rest this week Mitch...and just "BE".

Dear Mitch... I am sorry that I did not get a chance to read your post...I guess I just do not venture very often outside of this category. Had I known, I would have sent you a message and a hug...those special dates just wait to tear open our heart again. I have not seen you post in a bit; I know you were not feeling well physically, and I thought perhaps you were resting and letting yourself get better. Sorry you were hurt.

Watching the Tony Awards, and saw the performance from Fiddler on the Roof, it made me think about the night Mark and I were married. We held our wedding in the facility I work at...The Jewish Community Center. Most of my "family" was made up of the wonderful staff I work with on a daily basis. In order to honor that, Mark and I wanted to include the stomping of the glass to signify the joining of our lives. It was actually a light bulb. When Mark stamped hi foot on the light bulb wrapped in a cloth, there was a joyous "Mazel Tov" yelled out. I can still remember the true joy and surprise on Mark's face when it happened. It is sometimes the smallest of things that will touch my heart, and bring about that bittersweet feeling. Missing him is an overpowering experience.

You guys always seem to make me feel better...to NOT be so hard on myself for doing the best I can to look after myself. Stephen, I know all about the comfort food and just trying to find things that made me not feel so lost and alone. I go with my mother-in-law every Sunday to buy groceries for the week. I buy the things I think I should, so that I have meals to eat. But when it comes time to cook these things...I ask myself what was I thinking. "I don't want that". I am not at a healthy weight....but it really hasn't increased all that much in the last 18 months. This morning I got up, again feeling rested...so I began doing some things around the house. I was going along good until I got hungry for lunch. Once I ate lunch, I felt tired and napped. When I went to let the dogs out, it had gotten SO hot, there was NO WAY I was venturing out to do anything. Is the time of the year if anything needs done outside, will have to be in the early hours. Like Stephen said, sometimes we just do the best that we can and have to allow ourselves to be okay with that. That is almost as much a battle as the grief itself. So glad I have so many understanding people to turn to.

Can ill health delay our really dealing with our grief? Yesterday and today have shown me just how badly I have been feeling physically. I was blaming it all on grief...being tired and not having a desire to do anything. Perhaps it is also time for me to step away from the greyness of all the hurting. I just know I was so tired of feeling tired...and it just seemed to not let go. Don't get me wrong, I still have to go and sit down every so often because my energy wanes...but I know I need to build up to long stretches of taking on tasks. Focusing at work STILL takes so much energy. Building up my patience is going to take some time too. Every post I read where someone is struggling so with many other things in their life, my heart goes out to them. Not having our partner to lean on when tough times are giving us more plates to balance than we think we can makes the struggle so much more exhausting. I think I have been surviving in a constant state of exhaustion. I hope that we all get to a place where we can softly settle into to the feeling of peace.

Dearest Kay... I can understand completely how these days are hard for you. We are similar in many ways in our grief. Mark died two days after his birthday, so it is like a double shot. Also, Mark and I were married a lot less longer than many people who post on this site...but it does NOT lessen the hurt or the missing. Deep grief comes from deep love. I had always thought I knew what true love was...but I wasn't even close; I found out just what it was when I met Mark. We have exchanged messages often, and the way you talk about George is exactly how I felt about my Mark. I sometimes feel that I don't deserve to grieve as much as someone who has spent their life with their spouse, but the love we had was none the less deep and meaningful. I feel for all those people who have not had a chance to have such a love as we did. I send you many hugs and good energy as you walk through these difficult days. We all love you, and just want you to know that. Maryann

I took myself to the doctor Wednesday because I just have not been feeling well at all. I actually took time to address some symptoms with her. I went in because I was having discomfort in my chest and back. She believes that I am suffering from acid-reflux and it is affecting my breathing. She put me on Symbacort and I took my first dose yesterday. Now, I don't know if it is because I know I took the medicine, or that it is Friday and I have a long weekend....but for the first time in a VERY long time I did not wake up tired and exhausted. I even woke up twice during the night and when I got up with the dogs at 4:30 am...I was not dragging and tired. It felt really good and I am not dragging today (still not feeling 100%, but feel better than I have). She also put me on prevacid, but only took first dose this morning. Maybe I will finally have energy to do things.

Dear Terri, I remember when I finally decided to drop Mark's phone line from my cell plan. I waited until I could find someone who could record his outgoing voicemail message. It is the only reminder I have with his voice on it (I wish it was a longer message). There are still many of Mark's belongings still around...although I have sorted them out, they remain in bags and stacks in various places. His shower has not been touched...the one place that has nothing else mixed in...just him. Not sure when I will be ready to move or even touch those things. You take as long as you need to, Terri.

Finally took myself to the doctor today; have been feeling poorly since Sunday, and was really concerned because of where I was having the discomfort. The doctor was patient and listened to my symptoms, I answered her questions and she thinks that I am suffering from GERD. I have been short of breath and coughing in the morning, and have had some discomfort in the middle of my back, just below my shoulder blades. We are going to try some new things and give it a month to see if I have some improvement. She did do an EKG, just in case. That relieved my fears. While waiting to go back to the lab, the television in the lobby...showing some health stories, ran something about what to do when you witness someone having a heart attack. So NOT what I wanted to see...but I was proud that I did not break into tears. The person who I have been accepting as my best friend said something I am sure she thought was helpful...but it has caused me to re-think things. She hadn't responded to any of my emails this week, especially the one where I said I wasn't feeling well...I saw some post on her Facebook and I thought maybe she had gone out of town. Well, she wrote me that she has been busy, and feeling depressed. We emailed back and forth for a bit, and then she brought up my email about her posts on Facebook, and she questioned me why I never liked or commented on any of her posts. I told her that I look and read...but did not take time to "like" posts. I said I really didn't do Facebook too much, other than check for posts from family or maybe share some cute dog things. Then she said she wasn't being judgmental, but that all I seemed to post were grief posts and sayings. She said she understood and that she loved me, but they were there every day. So, not to be a mean person and unfriend her so she would not have to see the grief posts any longer, I de-activated my account for now. Was I being too sensitive?

Terri, Yes, I get a homestead exemption each year for the purpose of taxes. Here is Texas, first and foremost, the surviving spouse retains ownership and inherits all possessions. Mark had 5 brothers, and one brother in law makes it a point to come and take care of the yard. They all have families/children...and I don't expect to be a priority. Mark was always the one someone would call if they needed help on something...his friends, his sisters, his aunt, his brothers, his mom. If he wasn't doing, he was answering questions. I am thankful to hear I am not alone when dealing with a house without a spouse. I was so proud of him and all the things he did to help anyone who would ask. Today we had a birthday lunch for a colleague. The birthday girl was discussing the new house they were having built and the upcoming months of waiting for it to be finished. It hurt my heart. I did not want to begrudge her excitement, but it hurt that I didn't have that any longer. I LOVE our house, but there is no one to be excited about projects or changes or improvements. I know his spirit is here, and I am sure he is proud of all I have done and continue to do as I adjust to this new life without him.