Gwenivere

Many phone calls already by 3 (I get up at noon). Found a huge bill I already paid thanks to pain med brain scramble. Trying to get my surgeon to get the 24 hour X-rays to maybe find out something sooner on my condition than a week from Thursday. The 24 hour x-rays that disappear. Hoping they get a good disc by then. Calls to the CPA. Can’t get comfortable as it’s too cold for AC but too warm for just the fans. Had a counseling session today. So many issues from this roommate adjustment to missing Melody and the never ending medical catastrophe. Even worse than being so bent over is the never ending pain. She did suggest getting out for some fresh air to sit in the car. That appeals for an break out of here. Nurse coming out today to check my personal pharmacy and do vitals. Tried to get my surgeon to get the 24 hour X-rays. Not sure they understood. One of Dee’s friends isn’t doing well so she’s all bummed out. Got a good taste of how it feels being so helpless. Been a very somber evening. I’m very frustrated that we have have to adapt-to this with s o many obstacles. . I hope How much I care for everyone being challenged I’ve bee reading in other topics I’ve been reading. 💕

I’m so sorry you were taken by a con man. I, personally, couldn’t see me ever marrying again. It felt a given. I’m having enough adjustment with a roommate. I love that line you wrote above. Perfectly sums up what it feels like and reruns are never as good.

Only got my tax person by VM. Found the packet she wants last night. Got it filled out and ready to mail. Why can I do these things but so out of control emotionally? Pretty much all my homes were happy ones. This, by far the very worst now. I don’t know how I’ll handle it. All I know is I can’t continue like this. I do little things like pay bills, but nothing that connects me to other humans. Just Dee. I can’t see any way PT can give me that back. You’d have to feel the pain to understand it. To dread every movement you make. Hear about and see all the things people are doing. I can see PT helping improve things et stronger, but moving bones? Makes no sense it can do that. And shouldn’t in a spine. That’s why I’m terrified it’s healed this way. This isn’t sore, this is excruciating. We watched Doubt with Streep last night. Gonna to watch Aretha tonight. The CCenter lunch I didn’t like so ate a half old sandwich. I wish food appealed. I’m so slouched, sitting at the table I feel like a litter short kid. I’m already dreading today. It will be pain and imprisonment. The hardest thing in the morning emotionally is trying not to overwhelm Dee with my depression. Jinny (my grief counselor) wants to know how I’m doing. I should book a session as it would be fairer how much time I’d need to talk. Wrote my surgeon for help.

I overslept today. Turned off the alarm and was gone. Now the day is al out of whack. My post from yesterday is riddled with mistakes I was sure I checked it. Read like I was drunk. It should haves been riddled with red underlines. Losing an hour today I still found calls to maker as I got through all my mail and found very little for my taxes. Had the wrong number for CPA so had to track that down. Haven’t done much walking. The heat is intense. Dee’sq picking up our dinner, whatever it may be. Called number I didn’t recognize and it was the daughter of a resident at Foss that died. So tired of pain as always. Will need Dee to make me walk a couple short trips up and down the hall. Pill box filling day of the week. I'm just so out of it, I keep having repetitive conversations. I feel more out of it for having a shorter day and less meds. Each day I walk less adds to the mess. It took us a long time to fill med boxes as my brain is so slow reading off dosages. We’ve got a mix of ned cards and bottles. Now i see why the nurses were frustrated. Bottles are so much easier. I was joking that maybe we’d get pizza for dinner and we did! It tased so good. Side Caesar salad.. we watched half of Doubt so with Streep. She’s the epitome of the cold, cruel nun from school and her peers. I'm amazed how my brain is so compromised by these pain meds and people seek this. out. We used to like the stuff 30 years ago. It’s no fun needing it and it not being very effective. Knowing any movement is going to hurt is more that depressing. I know if I could escape the internet physical pain, I could find some motivation. I’d give anything for that. I know all of us in internet pain would. From my side of the fence, give me some boredom to fill.

I’m so buried in insurance paperwork. I don’t know what’s paid or not. I have copays from insurance but so few actual bills. With Dee’s help I got Steve’s van tabs renewed. The AC seems to be working. Great as its going to be in the 90's for the next 2 days. I’m really paying for lack of exercise and extra-slouching in the chair. Small withdrawal on oxy from waking up too close to. alarm time. People braving the high heat to get to our huge lake. Seafair weeded with the Blue Angels. Going to have to eat dinner soon. No desire or appetite. We’re going to watch Trains, planes and Automobiles for some humor while waiting on new stuff coming. The depression is getting harder and harder. Somehow my rehab PA got to be my doc on my mail order. They were ordering meds from another company so now I have to get m PCP back on record.. How she got in there annoys me.and that she did. I wasn’t expecting to have to unravel so much when it’s enough to have to figure out being here. I love-and hate this house now. I miss all the good times-and unravelling this mes. Will I ever be with Melody again? Will it become a memory of good bye I didn’t even know at the time? 'Ve been home a week now. Taking p lots of Dee's time. II wasn’t hoping I wouldn’t I wouldn’t. I don’t know if she’d be too nice to tell me it was better. I’m judging myself thru everyone else’s eyes. Even my own. I feel like a pain to ave to deal with.

The big question is it I can stay here. I got a shower yesterday which took longer as it’s so different than rehab. But she was great. Hopefully quicker next time. It doesn’t end with that, have to wait on hair to dry and pin back up. A once easy procedure. Funny having a useless back complicates everything. The couch thing iis only for watching a movie so no moving everything. House of Gucci was about half an hour too long. No exercise beyond what I have to do. Eating is so unpleasant that I’ve gained a couple pound since getting home. Dee and I have sources between the CCenter and the church. We’re diving-into the freezer to make a dent for new stuff. I'm still chipping away at the mail. So much med stuff that is what I hate most. I shouldn’t be getting any bills from rehab but there could be tests hey ordered. I’m been pitching any stuff from my financial advisor. Just found Steve’s registration to pay and remembered the battery is dead. A roadside help call. Today is going to be bad as always. Dee trying to replace a broken floodlight. I've been sleeping so deep. It’s not from physical exhaustion, it’s depression. Knowing it’s another repetitive day to wake up to. Worse being a weekend. Nothing good on TV. The only good thing I found out yesterday-was I was paid in full on in full on a med bill. WE tried watching a movie that was really stupid. A big let down. There is a John Wick marathon, but doesn’t start til late afternoon. Think Dee is hanging out here all day. Misery loves company?

I’m so dependent on Dee. I do things on my own and dearly pay for them. I made calls today about the X-rays and it still is a waiting game for an unencrypted CD. Why they sent it that way is ludicrous. Now it’s wait again as it’s only been a couple of days. The surgeons office said they would call if there is something obviously wrong. I’m going to try sitting on the couch to have my legs elevated. That means moving a lot of stuff to the coffee table, but Harder getting up and down. I hate the need to move my clutter to the coffee table. Can’t get temp comfortable. Have a 3 day heat wave coming Saturday. I have bills in the thousands but none in the mail from various places. My mind just wants to explode. we haven’t got Dee moved in. Have to make room in her bedroom. This house is so upended with all the changes. Piles of stuff not put away. Everyday i get more exhausted. I move around less and less. Make calls that get me frustrated and depressed. I washed my bowl from dinner as I opted to heat something instead of a sandwich and I could barely do it. Time slips away. Exhaustion steps up.

I always thought Zoom was. a televisit. You can both see each other, right? So Dee woke me up and had my iPod all ready to go. They then tell me they had a mid afternoon slot. Sheesh. I was already there so will have to read the notes as it’s a blur. Fell back to sleep and caught up. Getting a list of my med times and doses to make sure I’ve got things right. My strength is getting worse in these. few days.I told them they have to call in the afternoon. Met with the nurse today and got all signed up. Also everything in the afternoons and calls the day before. Tried phone task’s that frustrated me. Trying to pay bills and the numbers didn’t work. How-do you pay? Even tried online and got one done. Dee is trying to get me to slow down to stop getting so stressed. We got a lot done getting bags emptied and off the floor. Chipping away at 7 months of mail. Starting to find IRS stuff. Tossing out things maybe I shouldn’t but sick of being buried in med stuff. Created a spreadsheet for this years med experiences. Feeling like unpacking is a dangerous thing as I don’t know if ill stay by seeing how it is. I’m grateful I can sleep in my bed. It’s pretty bad getting around. Eating is not enjoyable at all wherever I sit. We’re watching House of Gucci. Dee is gone for afternoons. I’m glad she gets out of here to see her friends and do her own thing. I’m very boring to be around in the day. I'm consumed by the fear I won’t e able to live here. My worst nightmare. Id rather be alone in that mood. It’s always there, but while companies are open the word is too, without me.

One year is a biggie. I’m not sure it’s the worst, they keep changing and hurt in different ways. It’s not a day we will ever escape. A day created from what was a nothing day something profound. An added ‘anniversary' we didn’t want or need. We can’t make it go away either. My mothers and fathers go by without notice now, but we didn’t have Steve and my relationship. Do whatever you feel. This is your unique experience with your spouse. There are no right or wrongs. I’m so sorry for your pain. I’m approaching my 8th and I know it will be different but tear me up inside. many hugs. 💕

2nd day here and missed my call with my doc. They called but i was so dead asleep I said no and went back. Have to try again today and he insists on using Zoom to make it more a challenge. Dee is going to get it set up. My surgeon appointment is put for 2 weeks because they can’t read the disc. Have to get another. No PT til they say. My edema is back and huge. Lot's more happened, but it was so time consuming I need to play some games because I have to try pulling off this early doc thing. Have to recheck all the med dispensers too. Going to be a long day in so many ways.

Thank you for the well wishes. Sleeping was OK, but I get a weird headache from my neck, was a big challenge. My doc is calling tomorrow hours before before I wake before prescribing my pain meds for a slow withdrawal. I’m useless in that state so I hope he wont go into details as I will be brain dead. I want a slow withdrawal too. Thursday I talk to the surgeon early and that is very important for my future options. PT keeps calling and I’m going to tell them to back off til next week. So I’m going to tell me to give me some breathing room. I’ll get going next if my surgeon gives the green light. I need my X-rays reviewed first. Karen, I have a step stool i can try. Beds are just the best for taking stress off the spine. I’ll tr it tho. My mail is in 2huge stacks. At some point I have to get all the IRS stuff out. Counters are piled with stuff that overwhelms me. I’m a minimalist. Still have 3 bags in the living room and had Dee put al the non perishable stuff in the kitchen away. If I ever make it thru the mail it will be a triumph. I'm being slammed with calls from home health. This is the worst week for it. Going to tell them to back off til next week. I’ve already have .2 mornings messing with the mornings and adjusting. Another different night and this AC is acting flaky. Worst month for this. We’re watching Cruella. Good esapism.

It feels so strange gathering up all my stuff and things looking so bare. The pain is such a reminder. I don’t know know what to do tonight. I so want to go back to my old schedule but it’s so different. Meds, meals, sleep. I’m wishing I could step over a time line between worlds. I heard there is bingo today. I could go, but I think it would depress me and cut it close to when Dee gets here. I don’t know what to do! This is the world I know now. Fast forward…..I’m at my house. It’s so weird. I went and played bingo waiting for Dee. Left early to be back when she got there. World looked so odd to me. Having trouble with the phone and TV remotes. More painful sitting than the hospital bed. Supporting my legs is/what is vital. I haven’t been very patient since getting here, there’s so much to do. My OCD side. I had to et rid of about 50 messages, reset the the machine from a power bum, reset my bedroom alarms and see how the bed would be. Now it’s trying sleeping. There has been very little I could have done without Dee. The back of the house is very warm also. This is all very scary. I have no idea how it will be. The saying……stop the world, I want to get off comes to mind.

What is it with dentists? I lost mine last year too and .haven’t seen one since 12/2o. My record# were sent to an uncovered recommended guy. It’s weird losing the guy we had for decades. My dentist’s dentist. If I wasn’t looking at a bridge I I’d leave it alone. Sounds like your AC is useless, Kay. I’ll get a good taste of it tomorrow going home. The cooldown date keeps getting pushed out. I hope you’re doing OK. Heat makes me sick. Today feels like a nonstop anxiety attack. My surgery may have failed on it’s own, but I have a gut feeling Premera played a part in this. Defying my surgeon PT said I was doing better when I first got here. I doubt. I’d be dependent on pain pills if I hadn’t been cut off. Damage has been done now. Tried to get a decent shower in, but the aid3 didn’t know what she was doing. I nixed doing my hair. Bought some time if I can get settled. Did too much getting ready to leave. A couple more staff came by to say good bye. Very considerate. They all understand my frustration and think it’s so unfair and why I’m so torn. Heard the mega million winner. If i had I''d pay for all I need here another month for daily PT which I won't get at home. Get an home adjustable bed and walk in shower. Money talks. I'm not going to be able to go home normally. Limits mean many thing# will have to be relocated as getting them won’t be the easy thing it was before. I used to joke around about making one trip when going from one end to the other. If had to get something it wasn’t that a big deal. Now it is. Just getting out of bed here to do anything is a lot of mentally working up to facing the effort. Things have to be moved around to my limited reach. Sometimes I can’t remember where I put things at all. The bedside tables have been very handy here. Well, this is boring. How I wish my Prince Charming was coming to rescue me today. I love Dee but I’ll never feel that true' calm and no worry I might be bothering him. We always did anything for each other. Sometimes a small grumble. 😓

Finally got a home health organization. Earlier the one I wanted wouldn’t take me if I was living alone like last time. I now see how I do between Dee, me and them. I can hire more help if needed. It’s another irony they don’t want me alone, but my insurance says I’m fine. X-rays still in the wind. My appointment will be cancelled without them. they sent them to me. I can’t forward them due to encryption. I'm trying to get as much organized to leave Sunday. What seems to be very little so much more. Mostly paperwork that has accumulated. It’s also supposed to be very, very hot. I’m trying to find out if i can get a bed bath sans hair as it will be awhile. Have to have a meal and hope it doesn’t trigger nature too much. Got my antidepressants back they took. Getting blood results for myself and doctor. I think about how much I I drone on here about this health mess. Saw n the news the last of the last of the mass scooping victim going home after 2 months. This child made it and has the life in front of ofer. I’m very happy for her. I see II'm at other end with my life mostly done and doubtful it will improve. Not seeking pity, but miss that zest for a life. You don’t even think about this back then. It’s all zest and dreams of passions. No thoughts at all about this time. Nor should there be. this was my parents time, now mine. I feel so much for our new members who are should still be building their life with their partner. Not proofing this. Too on edge. Going to be the biggest challenge day.

Thanks, V.R. Things getting sorted out when I home would be a miracle. I’m in no shape to be on my own. I’ had lots of calls for the day and I’m sick of having been told others would handle them. They might or will, but I need backup and can only do that myself. Dee is going nuts trying to get the house ready and we don’t know how it will go. She’ll be there so technically I won’t be alone, but we don’t know how I’ll do. Did all the calls I could today. Actually one thing went OK so far. I was told that, don’t believe anything.s until I have an absolute yes. So much time, nothing in concrete. It's 6pm and 90 degrees. An oxygen truck burst into flames this afternoon. Had to get Boeing foam trucks from the airport out to put it out. David Muir had a feel good sttory about lots of puppies in the Midwest. Nice to see something upbeat. First day a shooting wasn’t a story. dee got the AC going and said she should have days ago. I told her! I started telling the staff I am leaving Sunday. Most are surprised because of the shape and pain I’m n. A couple have that 'humans are resilient' reply. They didn’t have as much interactivity with me. There are some I will miss as they are very caring. Time for Netflix. Hoping I see Steve, I need him.

How hot are you getting where you are, Kay? Doesn’t sound like you can effectively use your AC. Dee said she’d hook up the portable. August is one of the worst months. The day I go home is going to be almost 90. The door was propped open in activities at 9 last night and it was just hot air. This so affects ones mood. i managed to get my med portal working. Couldn’t get thru to Google or the X-ray place. I don’t understand how none of their numbers don’t work or exist when you call them. I've been reading the other topics of new losses and they break my heart. I remember being there and how incredibly painful and consuming it is. I feel the pain every single day now and it still cuts deep. It’s different now in that I’m not as consumed but easily could be. I want the new people to know I am hearing them but can’t go back there. Not again. My desire for Steve’ is just as strong 8 years later. Time has done something, but the pain is as intense as it was if awoken. i's like living with an occasionally sleeping dragon.. You’re aware what will happen if it is disturbed. And it will be, that w.ill never end til I do. Eve.ry morning just before waking up I’ve been missing him. I feel him in odd ways. Some image that’s a reminder, but not his face. That’s the cruel part. 4 more nights before I face a new world. I'm so fortunate to have Dee even tho she is a big part of the adjustment. This is the part of the evening all the weight sets in. It’s very heavy. I wish I could see Steve’s face his eyes and the love.

Everything is harder in this h3at. I don’t have the blinds open which feels weird. Can’t tell if there is any AC on in the halls because so many room doors are open. I feel so sick and walking was extremely difficult. Something is wrong and I don’t know what to do. My vitals are normal. My brain feels frozen. Can’t organize thoughts well. Typing this is very hard. Now have a Google problem. I don't know if I can get it together to talk to them. I heard from Dee my car oxygen is empty and I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk her thru changing it. She amazingly figured it out. Medical portal can’t message or log into appointments. Won’t let me in. On my list to tackle again today. I got in, but rejected my new password so locked me out again. Got my last shower here. I keep trying the puzzle with little luck. I was trying to think of ways to break my routine here but can’t really. Dee said it will have to fall into place. There’s just nothing here similar to home. Normally would be a bingo day. I still find it ironic I like something I hated that my mother dragged to as a kid. It has got to be a sign of age. Speaking of which, this old body is feeling it after an active day despite the heat wave. Another 4 days to go of it Very uncomfortable people. We evn made the news. Stay cool if you can!

I’m loosing track of all the people coming by about my departure and the d*mned X-rays . Over 2 hours and the company dropped the ball on sending them. They can be electronically sent, but disc is best. It’s starting to get very hot. PT wanted to work with me on stairs and walking outside. Told them that wasn’t needed. IF/when I can get home i I won’t be going anywhere. Hospital bed brought up ag@in. Sheesh. Should I get Dee an aide uniform? It comes down to I took a gamble on this surgery and lost. I’m now in a body that I see no way to be repaired. I don’t know how one makes peace with that. Staying here helps with meds, meals, hygiene and leg strength. It’s a lot when you are the affected one. I found out the home health I had last time is not accepted by my insurance now. Tried calling and messaging my doc as they found 2 other# i'd like them to contact. I couldn’t get thru by phone or my mail portal. I got the X-rays, but cant forward them by HIPPA rules. They are in the mail and unknown if they will be there by the 4th for our appointment. If not, it will be another wasted.one. One looks bad to me, but I’m no expert. All activities have been cancelled for the week. So a lot of alone time from the people I like. Blamed on COVID in the building. Maintenance was off today so the hallway AC hasnt bee.n turned on.. Dee is bringing a fan up Tuesday. I hope this will be livable. Ive never been in this position during a heat wave. Don’t really want to walk but I don’t want to g3t too week. Th3 icing on the cake so tonight is my iPad is stuck in a mode I used to know how to get out of.l. I know it’s simple, but my brain is fried. Going t to try and finish a movie and hope the app remembers where. I paused. It’s really getting to me all the simple things I forget and more pain I can’t find a reason for. Who knows. Maybe I’ll find doing l3#s is wiser. Nah, that’s when people totally lose any reason to live. I watched that in Steve "and my da$.

Thank you. My mind is now overloaded about going home. Finding so much that is so hard to do. Dee moved stuff she could think of to waist level as I can’t reach up very far now. We need to clean out the freezer. There’s so much to do and I have no idea if I’ll even be able to stay there. Besides the fact that I don’t want to be in assisted living, I don’t know what the options are for nonstop pain. The doc wasn’t sure more surgery was an option til he sees the X-rays and if it is, I have no trust in it. More immediate pain and weeks to find out. After more than a year of it, I don’t see how anyone could do that. What does someone do? I won’t have anyone to come in and psh me. I need that as left to myself I’ll skip it. I’m wondering every night how I’m going to face another day of pain. The last trip last night was the first I actually felt it might be too much. I did sit for bingo and again at the puzzle. This makes me wonder about sitting at home. I can almost stop it if stay very bent over in the bed here. That’s not good. My legs won’t be elevated at home during the day. Options of a recliner or hospital bd are out. His keeps getting more complicated. Have to make sure my doc got thr X-rays. this is all so repetitive. My apologies. Im just so scared and know I can say it here to get it out. It so helps as a focus and family.

Defensible from what? Is this from the state? What is the chicken wire for? Right off the bat I started being locked out of my medical portal from a message. Have my lease fav aide for being in a bad mood (me). Has no empathy. I don’t mind joking around if I’m OK. But when it’s obvious I am not, it is very annoying he pokes at me to be happy. He’s seen me struggle to walk every day. It’s just mean when the people you depend on can’t or won’t connect.I just told hm. He seemed receptive, don’t know if it will sick. Dee came up with goodies for me, activities and a friend here. She checked the mail when she got home and the court decision came in. I lost. A judge and insurance personnel decided my health over doctors. I’m either not surprised or am in shock. They didn’t even see me in the flesh. Premera had OK'd home health. Now i need to find out if I can still get that as I can’t go to the facility, nor hygiene. So no reclaiming any of my money and a disabled body. Have to return home and hope I. Can mentally adapt. First time ever I ended a call with Dee having nothing to say. At least it’s bingo day. Hope I get lucky enough to sit with the people I like most.

My surgeon had a cancellation so I got to talk to him. Problem was it was practically useless as he didn’t have my latest X-rays from a couple of weeks ago. I specifically told them to send them to him. Another glimmer of light turned off. The odds of another cancellation are practically non existent. And the X-rays being there? Gawd only knows. My next scheduled appt.is in 2 weeks. The nursing director came in to explain the guy who does this handles this not her. I know I signed to have them sent at the time. He faxed them today. My doc needs the actual X-rays, not just some radiologist report. Useless caretaker can’t ell me if they have fans for next week in the heat. His boss is off til Monday. Nothing gets done with this guy. My dinner was missed. They ran out of everything. Got a sandwich and salad finally. I don’t know what it is bout today, but I feel targeted yet again. Docs, X-rays and now dinner. My stomach is in knots. That means I’ll feel terrible all evening. I'll have to find out from Dee if she found what I asked her bring from the store for activities and a resident who’s been so kind to me. Found out the puzzle has missing pieces already. Tod the director I had a donation and she was unimpressed. The only 'good' thing for tomorrow is my fav nurse is working when she’s usually off. I don’t recall asking to be a lightning rod. When I get home i need to be retrained to live there. I vaguely remember how to use my TV. Don’t know what I’m going to do during the weeks now. I have come to rely on activities for about 3 days. Daily just to be around people. This plce has shown me I was lonelier than I knew 😓

Jumbled software. Have to start over.

IToday I have an assessment of what I need when I eave here. IThey want to talk about goals from here. What is realistic since I can’t walk upright? That every moment is in pain? That I can’t go anywhere? Sit somewhere day in and out doing nothing? How is that living? You take up space and contribute nothing. I can’t breathe well and my heart pounds from the slouch.mMelody's caregivers want to check in on how well she’s doing. Might as well dig out my heart with a spoon. Ee I took my walk and talked to the nurse. She says if it’s that bad I need to be seen by a doctor in person. So many conditions. Not an ER thing. They just do tests and send you to your doc I don’t want to guess. I’m so sick of all this. My PCP doesn’t have blood draws or X-rays. A lot is physical but aggravated by the emotional. Knowing the docs I will be dependent are on treatments I’m not comfortable with is a bad thing. I miss my sole doc that we saw eye to eye. The last doc I ever felt a partner with. My assessment was walking up and down stairs. Talked about PT I could get here minus one. little detail, I have to leave a week from Sunday. This is turning into a circus. I left a message with the surgeon simply saying this seems a failed surgery, what happens now? Dee's coming up this weekend and will take some stuff home. Having her bring up some goodies for activities and Helen. She bought me some candy and said don’t pay her back. (I had forgotten) mine). I say pay it forward. Off to another day closer to the unknown. 💕 to all.

I’m having to write this offline. I can’t get an answer of what’s going on. I just hope it’s back for the evening for Netflix. We’re facing 90 plus weather next week with no air conditioning. A lot of people are going to be sick, including me. I can’t handle 75 which is normally comfortable. I’m sure it’s the opiate and low anxiety meds.I got a call from my shrink. His plan is to stop all anxiety meds. Definitely time for a new one. Said he would write 3 months supply of what I’m on here and that’s it. That’s not even enough to do a taper if I wanted to. Add in my doc wants to do an opiate taper. I’m finally back online on another tough day. Didn’t win anything at bingo or sit with anyone I’m close to. Got asked questions like I was staying. I keep hoping some miracle will happen that my insurance will green light my getting help without moving. Then there’s that feeling I can’t be fixed. I don’t know what to say anymore. I keep doing all the stuff I have been doing and nothing changes/improves. I’ve worked all this walking could be hurting me. What if it is keeping me out of a wheelchair? But then, where would I go or stay in my house? It’s a rats nest of unknowns. I can’t get away from thinking about it unless I trya and do something. Then I wind up laying here and sinking again. Karen, I’d really settle for boring right now. Other side of the fence and all. Dee, how wonderful to see deer. Te town sounds quaint. I would have an awkward time with it too. Not that I went anywhere in the major Seattle. Doesn’t make it sense really as I avoid it. I’m still mourning Steve all these years too. I’m not sure I’d want him to see me now. He years without him have really ravaged me. They’d still love us tho, right? The resident across from me wanders around lost all day. I don’t know where she is in her head. I feel the same.

Marg hasn’t been here since May. I know she said she was overwhelmed in the real world and had things to tend to. Seen Karen but not Gin. Dee is MIA too. This is like a roll call. 🙂 Another fun day here. Meds late, totally forgotten one time, every time I got settled someone came in with something to do. Shower thrown in too. Had to get a walk in before a Zoom chat that was put off 2 days. Haven’t heard a word on paperwork I worked hard on getting in place Monday. The simple record of bedsores. PA was just here and it was the same redundant conversation. No one has a clue of facing this in my shape. The most ridiculous was a wheelchair. I’m trying to find out if there is AC here for next week. Have to talk to Dee about the house to get fans and the portable AC ready. I’m sitting here wondering how I will handle this transition again. It’s so much to take in. I can’t escape the pain laying in bed anymore. That the opiate makes me feel better. That the dependence is real. I didn’t ask for this but I’m trapped in it. I want.to break down and cry. I want Steve to tell me it’s going to be OK. I’m tired of not seeing a future I want to be in. I want to be with him so much because nothing was a dead end with him.