Gwenivere

Going to have run today trying to update things with the bank. I tried online and it’s impossible as they assume you have a smartphone. I found I need to get my computer running as it won’t come on after being off for over a year. That means getting the Geek Squad out here. I don’t want to totally dependent on the iPad for mail or business. I can’t truly check the monitor, mouse or keypad as both are cordless. I hardly remember how to use that computer. Sure don’t want to not have a backup tho. Got another bomb dropped on me. In her effort to please everyone, and in this case herself which she deserves to do, Dee’s going to Hawaii for a week. This leaves me in a bad position. She said she can leave a weeks food and have my pills set up. I also have a care company but has that 3 hour window which complicates things. I don’t think they will do this for just a week to find a care giver for just a week I need some time to decide if I switch. Plus how to make that that work to do do in 3 hour increments. I need help at morning, and bedtime too. So thats noon and 4am. I need help every day. Bird care, some food shopping and errands. I explained this to Dee, but she’s not getting the big picture. I’m not yet either til I have a date she is going. Another night with whacky Dee. I’d describe it, but living it was enough. Exterminator coming first thing. Didn’t do the inside last time and am seeing spiders. Hopefully this puts an end to that. Hoping I get a call for my hip RX's. Heats running. We did a lot to make this house nice, but no killing the drafts with one thermostat. to them and retain the team for later when I have more time to think about it .

Thanks as always, Kay. I got a message this morning from a home health company to replace Dee. She heard it too and I reminded her I had looked into it after several threats she was leaving. I’m hoping it doesn’t start another huge discussion as I was up front about it when I did it weeks ago. It’s so obvious I can’t be alone every day. Food, help with mail, meds, keeping the car running, etc. problem with these companies are they are few days a week and a stretch of hours. It would have to be well planned out and no more already prepared meals from the community center and church. I don’t know what I’d do with someone for 3 hours for a time. I talked to Dee about this habit of taking her days out on me and she remarkably heard me and we discussed it well. She agreed and apologized. Things are going well tonight, but it would have to continue. There’s the risk. If it works, it’s a very workable situation Have a counseling session with Jinny today. Have so much to go over about how to deal with this went so wrong and being told being told assistant living and a pain clinic is my only option over more even more surgery more painful and longer recovery in pain. Had started 1883 on Netflix but mail slowed things down. Trying a 2nd one from this library that’s doing nothing for me. Hoping I get the next disc today. So hard to get into anything. Got out of going to the docs in person yesterday. I just couldn’t take all it would take. I couldn’t barely get through the Zoom. Now I wait and see what he calls in. He. doesn’t want me sleeping on that side which makes sense, but worse for me. Makes for an even longer horrid day. Whining over. Got a. Brand day to do it again.

Dee isn’t taking advantage of me. She has serious mental problems. She does so much around here that helps so much. I’ve described her behavior many times. It’s the knowing she is 'off' every time I see her that is getting to me. She doesn’t react normally to situations and repeats constantly It’d take too much typing to explain it all. Unfortunately, she’s in a difficult mood tonight while I’m trying to hold it together. Started with caring about me so much and twisted to my doing something wrong. It mostly goes that way. Stopping here as it’s too hard to paint the whole picture, plus I need her and that angers me as a result of the surgery complication that they won’t call a failure. The wrath I feel about that is enormous. I'm sitting here in very high anxiety. I’m so stressed about going to the doctor today. I’m confused that the home care that came out didn’t tell me about an over the counter ointment to use. But no pharmacy has it. My doctor got their notes.and pictures. I’m not sure why he’s making me come in for how hard it will be, yet wanting to see it. Going to an appointment was never a big deal til this. Washing a spoon has me In agony. So ride in a car, get a wheelchair, and oxygen, short visit and reverse it all? And none of this helps with the big picture. Then back to the same old prison. I usually do 3 hose walks by the time we need to leave. I’m going to try and skip that part of the day’s routine. I don’t dare eat while taking the antibiotics. Trying to call about above med stuff wasn’t possible with my doc. They were closed which I was surprised at. Dee got it together for movie time Being out around people acting 'normal' changes her for hours getting home. No wonder I get tense when I hear her car around 6. It’s like waking up. Instant mass anxiety. Don’t like going to sleep as it goes too fast and so much med withdrawal.

Got totally mixed up on days. Thought Sunday was Monday even tho I had my Sunday shower. That we had church meals for tonight and a Zoom call I always do. Too worn out by…….pain and missing weekly shows. My shower friend I met in transition is looking &or a roommate situation as her rent is going up and fiancées down temporarily as she always been underpaid and more room than she needs. This was a. hugs beach of hope as our hours would. pretty mu+h match as she works nights match and she. cooks.. I don’t want rent but help like Dee did with shopping and filling med boxes. Lots would have to be worked out, but just not feeling totally trapped feels I can breathe a bit. I don’t know about transport if transport it as she works and Dee doesn’t. One step at a lime..she’d be not on a schedule like Dee which might be hard to get used to. I'me really getting to hate evenings. It used to be end of such a repetitive day, but it’s a continuation of the whole day to the sleep that brings no relief. I have no idea what to wear to the doc Tuesday. Coldest day of the week, hope my shoes fit and hate it takes so much times driving parking, getting in, waiting for doc that will be late for 20 minutes and have to come back. Oh, and pay to park. What a rip of. What else ya gonna do there? The urgent clinics don’t charge. Done venting another day. 💕 to new-and veteran.

He’d have to have had some to lose. Never has. I never realized at first because I didn’t need the help I do now. He definitely gets off on his power.

I don’t think that’s considered abnormal. Especially when we’ve lost our normal way of living. I wouldn’t care anyway. I only noticed with obviously disturbed people in public like some homeless and undef drug or alcohol influence. With all the blue tooth stuff it’s hard to tell too. I don’t, but I sure miss having things to share and someone bringing new things. I’d really like Steve to help with what I’m faced with. I need someone I totally trust. I talk to him in my heart now. And if I did choose to babble, I wouldn’t care.

I’ve heard about the dementia connection too. It is how I’ve been feeling. I also look at all I’ve been facing and so long on opiates and see they are be the culprits. We do slow down, but not as rapidly and I can pinpoint when it started. I've spent a couple hours trying to figure out how my anxiety and pain meds got so low. 7. They’re significantly lower than what I was prescribed when I started seeing my shrink. I can’t figure it out for when. He’s giving me so much grief about what I’m on now but he prescribed the higher doses. This physical mess I’m in from surgery has me more anxious than I’ve ever been. He wants me on a cliffs edge of having none before he’ll call i more in case they need to be ordered. Fortunately I have extra because of the unknown drop. It's gotten so late. The day is so long and then it’s time to do the long bedtime routine. Don’t know how I’ll handle a shower today. I feel this surgery caused the need for another I don’t want. All I know is I’m getting worse. Having the pressure sore and UTI and having to go in person to the doc……. I’m losing my mind. Wash, rinse, repair these posts. Sorry.

It’s all about having me on a tight leash.

This is far from an ideal situation. I’m looking for options. So good to see you back! Thank you for your input. I really missed you I'm on my own for awhile. Dee’s is with a friend. I’m hoping I don’t get smothered in details. She repeats so much and I want to finish the movie we started last night. My housekeeper was over and brought smoked salmon. That’s like gold here. You'd think it was super common, but most is shipped away and what you can find is very expensive. It’s a good idea to get to know fishermen here. Talked to my shtick again today and now I call back again next week. He wants me dwn to no meds before he’ll do more. I have no idea what he’s going to do or his reasoning. All I know is he wants to change meds. And what I’ve written so many times, that he has power and is using it. We’ve never talked as partners. I thought docs and patients were supposed to do that. Still hounding my surgeon about the walking i pain and damage. Feeling yucky from the antibiotics. My housekeeper might move to South America. When diid life become so much loss so rapidly? 💕 to all.

Thank you, Kay. I know if I weren’t consumed I would be able to share more interest in others. . I don’t even try to play down how I feel anymore. I don’t have the energy. I thought about haxing Dee take me out, but it would just to sit in the car and see how noninvolved I am. I have to physically go to the doctor next week, not a trip I count as involved. I'm way past pretending. I had some company with the housekeeper. Had to call my shrink and do again next week to get my meds. He wants me down to none before he’ll call in more. Dee’s out with a friend for dinner and a movie and I hope I don’t have to hear all the details. Just doing my usual routine is enough. Yeah, it’s hell. Your caring means so much.

Another day Dee did her switcheroo. Came home fine after a long night missing sleep from the malfunctioning oxygen generator and we were til I did something wrong and there was no talking to her rationally . wrote too much about this so cut most of it. My surgeon Zoom was useless. New-woman who told me more about the surgery they could do, how much more painful it would be much longer than what I’ve experienced twice and of course no idea i it ii would be able to stand or bend. So, I guess not useless, but not moving the needle. Start antibiotics for a UTI at bed. I couldn’t get any sleep advice as trying not to sleep on that side was horrible. Supposed to go in person to the doc next doc next Tuesday. What a pain. It will be a couple of spoonfuls of peanut butter and hope no problems. Housekeeper and a call to my shrink today. Dee’s going out with a friend for the evening. I hope I don’t have to hear a bout it repetitively. And make her mad which is typical . Just want to wake up not wishing I hadn’t, but that won’t ha happen. I was writing in another topic the horrid waking emotions it ca bring. That’s when I really feel the s id e. effects all the meds from wearing off. Not anything I haven’t written so many times. Wish I could hug my true love. It can be mid summer and I’m cold inside. 😰

Ever since I became disabled by my surgery, I get triggered by everything around me thinking about Steve. I can’t do anything I did when he was here. I’m in so much physical and emotional pain I’m consumed by it. I don’t want t be here anymore. Everything has become a trigger that can’t be avoided. My options to feel 'better' are all gambles. If I could have him I would do anything, but he’s not. So huge.risks to sit here alone. How ,could anyone find any appeal in that? I ha e that built i survival installed in the way. I live and breathe for nothing. That is all it will ever be. what was once happiness is hell. I can’t listen to others with true interest as they have that. I feel like a fake person. I want to feel joy for them, not resentment. That makes me feel cheating them. That is a horrible ting to do. If he were here I could at least take true interest in other people and. the which I feel is. passing me by.

My doctor would never prescribe my anxiety meds. Only shrinks prescribe long term meds like benzodiazepines. My doc, like all of them, are monitored on that. Short term for grief, flights, dental procedures, etc. My doc also hates them anyway. My 2 previous docs prescribed tho but both left my access. It was so easy as they saw they gave me my freedom back without-the side effects of the now glorified antidepressants that work for but not for others.; Today is my appointment with the surgical PA I’ve never talked to. Chasing pain relief. Message to my doc about the pressure sore and proper care. Yesterday a survey from my insurance so I could again complain a out my early being cut from care bak in February and getting hooked on the opiates. No real response about it ut how much they care about their clients. Dee's home and in another personality rotation. Everything from love to almost hate over and over.. Not remembering iit. I can’t live in this. I can’t fix it. I actually see how she suffers from this and would rather have my pain then no control of my brain. But I’m human and not a saint. I don’t know how I will live without the good times but easily without the bad. My oxygen generator is acting up now. Called at 1am to have them out today. Just have an emergency tank that has to be dragged around. Glad I did as they are coming out after 1pm. Geez, another fire. Guess I’m more sensitive f rom the circumstances. Yay! Another day to face. Do I need to say how thrilled I am?

No one mentions Steve either anymore. It makes me sad, but I have to remind myself it has been 8 years for them and their lives were to even close to changed like mine. Theirs went on fully with their partners as they should. Plus they may not want to chance upsetting me. I wouldn’t know what to say if positions were reversed. Fortunately people do listen the very rare times I bring him up. It does create a changed relationship.

I don’t factor in God, but I know, be cause of my life circumstances, I will never want anyone else. I also know if I were not physically compromised, I would be closed to it. I looked at men after a few years by observing. them and knew that part of my life was forever over. For me, the love I had was it. I don’t feel sad about that as it was the best. I feel sad it was taken.

That’s what so hard, James. But there is no real changing for the end. I was told by professional hospice people that know the signs and they were spot on. Did my supposed preparing do? Not at all. There’s a reason they call it reality. I actually saw t myself and couldn’t deny tit. He crossed a line there was no coming back from. It sounds horrible, but I’m glad I was not there. He wouldn’t have known and left me with another image to add to so many. My question has always been why him. One we all carry. I even know the answer….flaws of nature.. Agreed with Kay, BoHo. It helps us. understand your journey anything you share. And definitely your relationship and challenges are paramount. Depression is very impacting. Look what it’s done to us left behind. Everything you share is safe and respected. Valid. What is r right for you is. right. I hope you will trust that so you can hopefully ease some of your burden. I am still checking in e very day after 8 years for the connection to people that truly understand.

Dee is facing a very emotional today. Amazon costs too much. The nurses left me supples for a few days. It isn’t bedsore but a pressure one. That means sleeping on the opposite side. That-is difficult. I did finally find out about the taxes and I don’t owe one of the payments. Quite a relief. Keeping my fingers crossed it’s covered by insurance as I was told. Just waiting on the UTI results. I'm so sorry you got hit with credit fraud. It’s such a mess. My card is tied to more places than I even remember. Changing them all will be a huge project. Had my appointment with my shrink and it was worse than I expected. Too detailed, but he’s relentless with no caring beyond the medicine. It felt like he didn’t care about my feelings. Actually, I know I’m doesn’t. For what never ending pain does to a person, he wouldn’t display any compassion. The nurses were very caring and kind. I hada couple in rehab that were not. I call him back Friday to see what he wants to do about meds. He was not pleased by how I was acting, that 14 month living in pain thing like I had any control over that. I don’t know how Thursday will go with a different PA about my back. My great housekeeper will be here Friday. Hope I can do a full shower Sunday Stil need to find a reason to get up every day. Have NO idea how Dee will be tonight after seeing her sister and picking up her deceased partners memorabilia. Hasn’t seen her in years and the sister had a good upbringing. She did not. She’ll be gone when I get up. Long time to wait. I'm so tired of living in fear of people around me and their moods. Feeling beaten down and not knowing what to.expect. It makes it so much harder than life should be. There is nothing stable to lean on.

Yup, you got i. It took me awhile to do it and sometimes it just doesn’t work with my tablet. It’s very handy when answering posts that are further back so others know the reference. If you can get in right away (like this) you don’t need it. Yes, Happy upcoming Birthday, Kay! 🥳

So glad to see YOU, Joyce. I always see if you’ve checked in. I’ve been very bad at personality keeping up with people and their challenge’s. Were you in the path of al the storms.?

Took all day to get help for the bedsore. A nurse is coming out this afternoon to evaluate it foe my doctor. It will probably take days to get what’s needed to treat it. I’m just hope* it was caught in time. I also need to check on a possible UTI. Today is my shrink appointment too. Thursday the surgeon. Dee is going t do my weeks pills. She got angry with me ahhhhhgain so had to have a repetitive‘ discuss ion. I can't figure out how she remembers stuff we settled beyond the new thing but not that we settled them. Tried hitting properly taxes again and got nowhere. I don’t know why I even bother with any of these things. If they can’t reflect it on their own payment page, how do I pay it? OK, I’m very anxious about my shrink and the nurse coming out this afternoon. I’m a wreck. Now I also have to talk about the possible UTI. I found I don’t have a decent thermometer. I look back going to sleep and say…..that was my day??? Best to all and miss the old timers. 😰

Thank you, Kay. ❤️ You brought a ray of sun into a terribly frustrating day.

Agreed also. All of our special days fall in the holidays. Death gave me another one. He died just days from Halloween dragging them out longer as our wedding anniversary is end of January. So the most wonderful time of the year of holidays and our birthdays changed completely. What used to be magical has become months to bear. Watching so many others feel the delight they once were. I hear about it and see it. I’m housebound, but the TV drowns you in it too. I miss all our rituals and being a family with our furry kids. Altho he would be missing,, having close family must help. Thanksgiving was our favorite, the leas commercial. Then New Year to start another addition to our love. I used to wish his leaving was another time of year, but better to get them all over with.the pain is there anyway.

SOOOOOOOO good to hear from you, Marty! Huge sigh of relief. ❤️

I don’t think we take our partners for granted, per se. We just live as couples do when they become one. Maybe we assume they will always be there, but that’s normal. When I realized how even more sspecial. Steve was is when he was diagnosed and I had to live with the knowledge he was going to leave me for the rest of my life. So in some ways you could say it was ‘for granted', but not deliberate. I see now how how our lives were full because of each other. We didn’t use each other or expect more which is how I’d define taking for granted. I so miss him now for care I now need. Like I cared for him. I hear you about friends too. I do have people I can call, but no motivation. I’m consumed in my medical problems so conversation’s would be like talking to the docs. I know they have problems too. I cant be as empathetic as I want to be. This pure hell. I want to reach out but to uplift whoever and I can’t. So I spare them from more misery, I hope.

I’m grateful for TV, but hate I have it on all the time. It was only a night thing before I got stuck wherever. Rehab or home. I had a shower today and skipped my hair. Found I have a bedsore going so now have to contact my doctor this coming week. Been thru this before in rehab. It’s from sleeping on my hip and not moving. The messed up surgery added this. This one I don’t know if I can treat myself. Nurses did in rehab last time. When does this end? Dee's going to do my meds Monday. I have to Zoom appointment with my shrink Tuesday . Nicey of her to make that the only thing to deal with that day. Talking to that man ruins your whole day. We had to choose to disagree about her friend's dogs that are kenneled and had a fight. I know the history and she is sure it was because neither of them were there. I think it would have happened eventually. I find it hard she feels she can never be wrong. Watched a great mystery movie last night. Started another that we bailed on. I hate when that time passes. Even if the endeavor fails, I like sitting with my legs up for a n hour. I was hoping for no extras today, but this b bedsore has me so struggling. So now I am repeating in the same post. So more thanks for putting up with me. 💕