Gwenivere

They’re looking out for my safety, but I’m just worn out on all the people. I have my hospital bag basically packed sans cell and iPad. Message from surgeons that there is nothing they can do being down 2 people. My abdomen is a huge ball being so bloated. Almost 90 outside. Can’t fathom a shower and housekeeper here tomorrow. My shorts are so uncomfortable because I’m so bloated. The PT guy was by. Lots of talk about the pain this is going to be. I did my laps after he left and could barely handle it. He talked about stretching and walking outside. Said I've done as much surgery healing can aim for that. Not a. priority to m e right now. Now it’s getting the muscles and bones back to functioning like after a break. I hate that analogy. Those rarely require working with inflexible hardware. At least I’m cleared for bending. Need a definition for twisting. Lifting is very apparent. I did more. of the exercises he showed me to do so I've been very sore all night. Went over last wishes with Dee now that we are a family. Her insistence. Fortunately I had mine.documented. Hers are the same. Hated it. I really wish the pain would ease up so we could get her moved in properly. Maybe when we get out of the summer. I’m the type that when I get an idea I want to do it….now. I know this comes from getting so little done. anymore. Will be a tough day today. What’s new there?

My vote on The Sopranos is Tony was shot. So much was made about all that was going on around him. The music, guy going into bathroom no dialogue and last shot of looking at his daughter like thru his eyes. There had also been some bad stuff going on with power struggles.

What a nightmare with your computer, Kay. Sounds like it may need to be replaced. Could be hard, software or both. How did you type this today? Thank you for the reminder, Karen. I forgot about metal and MRI's. Very bad combination. I didn’t wake up like I did yesterday. The usual deep depression, but not the scary extra pain. I’ve been having a lot of breathing and heart pounding when doing my usual walking. If this keeps up I do see 911 in my future. It’s actually been there for a long time. I could barely get settled in bed to sleep last night. I need to get my bag ready to pack quickly. First of our 3 hot days. Always adds to the misery. Another day of handfuls of anxiety and pain meds. Spends evenings in a hospital gown. It’s ridiculous. Maybe there’s something wrong with my heart and lungs, but it only got this bad since I got home. Just like my mental state. We’re watching Back to the Future one and two. I remember when theses were such feel good times. I’m overestimated by people that want to come over like the PT evaluator, shower aide, housekeeper, bath, bath aide and a nurse to observe a shower. I can’t express ow sick I am of them all. I want to rest. I do more than I should to try not to bug Dee so much. Eating dinner is tough thing. Late in the day and the body has.bee n really pushed. By dinner. I’m not following well the. a. HBO series Dee and I am watching so I’m not asking many questions anymore . Try and put it together from web synopsis. What I really want to do is call the people coming over and cancel. I’m just gonna try to go to bed and decide about the housekeeper thins Friday. Hope I can stay sane a nother da y. It hejps to have no obligations.

That is one of my favorite shows. Had marathons here a couple months back. Always thought it was a very creative show. Scott Ba kula really put a lot in5o it. Did all his own singing. I still like him in L& O New Orleans. Never missed Dallas way back when. We sure have. so many options than then when there was no recording. I hadn’t heard there was a reboot

Almost called 911 today. I felt so bad when I woke up and it didn’t get any better the last hour before the alarm. Dee stayed home til I ate and did a couple walks. I kept going thru the. craziness it would be. What to take if it was admitted. How long til they found a room. The only thing I did was take some extra Tums and read they can cause pain without water. I dunno. I’ve been a mess such a long time. I’m just hoping this doesn’t happen again. For how distorted my body is, I don’t see how I could get a CT or MRI. Did my usual surgeon call in. Pleaded for 5 minutes talk. Urgent request placed as usual. Dee put gliders on the more helpful walker. Didn’t work with the set up. Spent so much energy trying to keep from getting tangled in stuff on the floor I got no beneficial exercise.I Even tried going back to tennis balls but they made it work too. I had forgotten I felt after getting home last year that made this fix more intense the 2nd time around. Creating a fracture. Worried about waking up today. I don’t now I get to be so ‘fortunate' to have such a un life. 😰

I always wonder that myself as our bond was so tight. But I never felt it with others like my parents. I’ve heard people say they know. I’ve only had caregivers tell me it was getting close. They know from breathing patters and other signs. I was not totally shocked when I got the call the morning after. Our connection was emotional, not physical. We did witness their struggle. We are powerless to alter it. Then I think what good would have done? Nothing. We’re just caught up in how natures plays out. It’s done and over and we go forward. I don’t even remember the time, only the date. Do you think it would have helped you in-some way?

Have to be careful about instructions. The web is riddled with peoples experiences that could get you messed up too. I learned how to delete old notes from the app. It’s so much the wording when looking for info. Things went whacky today with my surgeon's office. They called to check on me, that’s amazing enough. Conversation went sideways and while trying to explain I couldn’t keep tolerating this pain without some shred of hope, the nurse thought I was suicidal. Next thing I knew the police were here for a wellness check. I hope that never happens again. So many grief phrases can be misconstrued. A home health care nurse came by today to do vitals and set up PT and Social Services. She also wants to come by when I get a shower to see how it’s been going. Nothing to do with modesty, but I hate how all this has so imposed into so many aspects of my life. I wish I could rip out these pins in my back and reset everything. Not realistic, but a nice fantasy. I actually miss rehab because it was familiar to me. I’m uncomfortable with change. I was so settled in there. Nothing to fear. I forget how I made that happen. It also explained things that were missing, like my dog. Why I didn’t go anywhere. I hate the evenings. There’s nothing enjoyable beyond a little TV. I know I’ll crawl into bed and do it again feeling more empty. I can’t even write a new post. Yesterday I heard about motorized scooter’s and more about leaving 5his house . This is the help I’m getting from home care. Evenings are getting tricky too. Told Dee I’m sick of how much-news we run. A short world new and the weather is enough. We may try going thru clothes donations and ma ke room for her to unpack. Of course it’s the start of another heat wave. So very tired. Hope your ca t will be OK, Kay. And the fires don’t getcloser.

Dee’s living here. It’s portable AC. Will go back in a closet after summer I've so messed up med dosing since getting home Dee was very upset with me and talked about. starting drinking again. I couldn't take that guilt. I was upset with her as it was apparent she never had a panic attackIt imperative I get my schedule from rehab and. try to get back to that. I haven’t had a full blown panic attack til I got home and messed up 2 doses. Dee’s too stressed our to have this on top of her stu&f. Meds got screwed up by generic colors when I replaced them. I added more and are now dependent on them more. Thought it hadn’t been that long, but their powerful drugs. I don’t know how to combine the pain and now withdrawal I’ve created. Even when I get what I was taking, getting back to that will be difficult. It took a long time to feel back on track together. Cancelled a social worker coming by to tend to meds. I'm on my own getting this figured out so she c an fill pill boxes. It’s been so long since I’ve had an attack I’m now paranoid about another. Fighting excessive pain and being on oxygen.add more obstacles. It’s a feeling you don’t want anyone around. It emphasizes it. Movie time was good. Just dreading today. Supposed to have a Zoom chat mid afternoon. Also need to message my surgeon that another month is too long to wait to talk. This is getting too serious. Fixed my iPad today and don’t know how. Apple tech support couldn’t. That was a twist. Did an upgrade that took forever and always makes me nervous. These are more times I keep needing Steve. That will never, ever end. Wish I could help Dee as this place has helped me. .

A lot of women have those kind of minds. I get about 50/50 help when I call Apple or the bank. I actually fixed an iPad problem they couldn’t and don’t even know how. I depended on Steve for our tech stuff because I hate it, he liked the challenge and I just wanted to use the result. It was a great system. I really want streaming, but not all the installers it would take much less new equipment.

I can and can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve seen my dog. I just can’t do it unless I can keep her. I’m happy and sad she isn’t here. I know I’ve written it before, but I wish she missed me. I don’t fool myself she thinks beyond her thinking of her happy life right now. I have my parakeets and Dee as life here, but they aren’t her that began this hell when Steve left this world and me behind. . All the things you both would have vivid memories of. Our routines and how days needed to run on schedules as we were closest partners now. I’m not locked in those routines anymore and I miss it. I miss seeing her signs of being here. Im so down it’s because of me. How having her here is impossible. How Steve will never know her. That he couldn’t take care of her either. We’d be a rag tag family, but we’d be one.

I’m sitting here as I do everyday seeing my day pan out before me. It’s so much cooler but I feel that anxiety warmth I can’t control. Nine cancelled on me for a Zoom chat. Dee is. coming home earlier for a shower after the heat wave. Hoping no choking incidents today. Tried watching a depressing movie last night about how mental illness. was treated in the old west. Bailed on that. I never have on a Tommy Lee Jones one. We’ tracked down an old Bill Murray movie, but it’s at a shop for hard to find movies by the university where Dee hates going. She put in a purchase orderwith the library, but that could take months if they decide to at all. It was a crazed couple oh hours filling some pill boxes for another week. I can’t for the life of me remember all my. Doses. Wrote them out 5 times an d kept making mistakes. I had requested a simple list for the day and have 2 huge piles of complicated, detailed notes. I just need the times and amounts. I mucked up wake and sleep doses. Dee looked at a couple of stacks of data and sees a pattern I I don’t. My drug addled brain is the last to try and figure this out. I don’t exit in the computer now and will have to try and get thru the weekend and Monday into the records. Good chance I’m going to mess myself up more. I asked then for this extremely info when leaving and called. You cease to exist when you don’t generate income. Its hard enough mentally living like this with possible withdrawal or too much. I’m going to have to tend to the AC today as I’m alone for the afternoon so I’ll have to do it more often as its so heavy and the event is for her lost friend and not close. iI'll b e alone getting up. Only good thing is we started an HBO series which is good. I found a full dose pain pill that I went the whole day without whicH why it was extra hard all day.. Don’t know how it’ll go wi5h the messed up anxiety meds. I wish I had a good doctor to call. Wish I did for pain too. I wish I Had someone that truly knew me. Someone I could cry with. Crying alone is the worst.

Bad day. Choked aT lunch. Talk about panic!! I could have died so quickly. Medfc alerts or 911 do no good. I’m so frustrated that I fill my day talking here to lose iit wish a light touch somewhere. Bath aide came and we talked a long time. She gave me her personal number if I ever need help. It’s so sweet of her. i got an email from my brother in law. His family is all that is left and I only talk to him, but he’s not emotional. I was only tight with his sister and his sister. Sister from day one. She died the year after Steve. Don’t connect with her kids. Finally got close with his mom the last years of her life. His dad was like his brother. I don’t think I’d ever hear from him but Steve’ made him promise to keep me a part of the family. It doesn’t really do anything for me. I have another appointment scheduled with my surgeon in a month. When they called to tell me I told them how unprofessional Weeds was. The guy yawning, never looked at me once nor showed my my X-rays. They said they'd have my guy at least give me a quick call, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. I wrote my housekeeper to thank her some homecoming gifts and how she won’t recognize me with this stoop, walker and old lady hair. With 2 of us here now,, she’ll have plenty to do. I was noticing when Dee is not so sad how much I love having having her here. A trust in me. It’s hard to know how to help when you don’t know what someone needs. We all know that about ourselves and others. My brother in law sent me all kinds of financial links, nothing about the emotional weight of this. Yes, we planned usual getting old including cancer, not these more com-placated aging possibilities. There was never any scenarios we would possibly be apart. Our promise was to always be there. Even if it was ugly and it has been. Yes, good memories but marred by very dark shadows. His passing wasn’t at all peaceful, not a moment. To have been able to see some peace would have made all the difference. Hope this made sense. So much doesn't from all the influences I’m fighting every day as I wait to what my insurance will OK andf PT can provide.

Sleep is my only escape from everything. So is having a schedule for it. My anxiety meds help with relaxing. Things have gotten so bad with pain, I don’t think I’m gong to be able to do this much longer. Mentally I am terrified.

Lost my post. Just getting worse being home. Shower day and I hope it works. Don’t want to eat in case nature calls. I would love for Dee to be here, but I’ll need her help with my hair. I just wish it felt refreshing. Pain just increases as the days pass. Dee’s seriously down. I’m getting weaker. I know it will be another isolated day. Don’t know when the housekeeper is coming but it’s very neede.d. Scared of another day. Time to get ready for another horrid day?

Latest problem is breaking an extension cord so Dee came. back to replace it. It always hate to bother her. I I tried plugging it back in and it fell apart. Fortunately the phone was ran in under the rug or I would have lost service. I had a PA unfamiliar with my case. He said the surgery is stable and none further can repair it. I need daily PT for care which they’re going to try and get approved by Medicare. It would have to be at home. Might need a series of braces. I told him my goal is no walker, no need for the opiate, and some kind of life. First step is an OK from insurance. I have 4 pins in my back cemented in which Ithey don't always do. He could see the large hump. I don’t how I really feel right now beyond no more surgery. It’s weird how you hope that happens but an option removed. It’s from desperation. So until this is decided, the days continue as they have. The PA kept yawning thru the whole thing. That was annoying. Pretty unprofessional. I have so many projects I want to *et done, but the wrong month. Want the landscapers out to get rid of leaves and remove part of a fence. Mow the overgrown yard trimmed up. Look like someone who cares liVes here. Need Steve’s van started and charged. Dee moved in. Good thing a vagabond lifestyle is OK, but it would ease this new phase. The common areas are OK. But she needs some closet and drawers. Not like she’s living in a motel. Never seen the place so unkempt. The afterglow of no more surgery is gone. I know I’m going to wake up to this daily non life again. For a very long time and I can’t wait to see what problems will arise. This isn’t going to go smoothly. Ive been in the system too long with a very big problem. It’s time to find a mobile optometrist as I am so in need of the near view of my progressives. Of course there will be insurance pronouns. Nothing goes easy since I’m so fit to be home. 😤. .

Dee is fighting emotional battles, tough ones. But she is physically not held down from living and moving around in the world. Since getting up I’ve undone my oxygen, walked in limiting pain and experienced medication withdrawal. She can eat, walk, drive and engage in the world. I’m stuck here 24/7. Finally got an RX ordered after days of trying. As usual, by phone. The site was useless. Have to pay the last rehab ned bill. Want to fix my hair, but one arm is too weak alone. So many tries and hated it. Today I talk to the surgeon. Really hoped I would be in a good place. It’s anything but. I definitely couldn’t live here on my own. I feel there will come a time Dee will see it as I do. I invested so much work to heal and got worse. She didn’t mean it to hurt me, but she said she wished se she came home II had something good to say tho she knows why I don’t. Took forever waking up as usual. Today I'll be alone, low on meds and try and pull off this appointment. I wide the timing was a bit later for my s anxiety meds. A nice drive. and a scream would be good. Alas, not to be. We’ve got 2 very hot days coming. Might be pasta salad.with chicken. Exciting stuff.

I don’t see the support in person. He’s not even there. A parter is going to go over then with me. Having spent another day as I always do, I don’t expect hopeful news. I saw my regular doctor today and we again went into other tests I can’t fathom right now. When walking room to room is massive, I don't cafe about regular care. Got a final bill from rehab for meds. Another huge one. The RX I needed hasn’t shown up in my mail order site. More stuff to track down I already have several times. I need some positive possibilities to keep me going. Today was a repeat of so many days, weeks, months. Insanity is described as happening the same things over and over expecting a different results. I don’t want it that way, but it seems I'm caught in that web. I hate eating, walking, everything I pretty much do every day at the same times. I could change them around, but. It doesn’t really solve the basic problem. It won’t change the day. Dee always has rhinos to do. Take out her loss, she has so many pursuits like I used to. I’m disappointed I can’t find replacements. But the pain as to go first. My doc brought up again assisted living. A box. Aloe. Even less freedom. I don’t want go to appointments for the complications of transport and oxygen. A social worker is doing coming by next Monday. Don’t think it’s going to work. Ive heard so many options, plus timing is too close my waking up to be close to coherent. Dee and are like zombies for a good hour or so hour or so. Sending all good wishes. 💕

Sometimes just documenting your day is enough. I can’t do anything so I don’t have that choice. I totally understand not wanting to do anything. I don’t make suggestions as it puts people in the position of defending themself. No one has to do anything. I hope everyone will keep writing so they don’t feel so alone. I don’t write deep things right now because I’m trying not to get lost in my roommates pain. I have to live. I’m actually doing myself a disservice. Ive never been so lost. I don’t want to be here any more. I haven’t a clue how to say I don’t want to live anymore. Yet the ingrain feeling of not. knowing how to make that happen. Fear of it. I want the life I had and I can’t have that. I’d settle for being able to move around in the world. I know that wouldn’t be enough for most people, but t would be for me. To not spend every moment in pain. I’m sorry I turned this into about me. Keep getting those emotions out. It’s so important to express what is happening inside your heart and. mind. Knowing someone hears and under stands.

Congratulations Kevin. 💕 whens the date?

Another day of pain and Dee having crying jags. Continue to, hopefully,, back to finishing clearing out her friends room. Accomplished. I’ll have another day just watching the time tick away to lead into anther one. I’ve dropped my pain pills by half a pill a day as I wake up too close to actually getting up. I’m now wondering if I’ve doubled one anxiety meds I used to cut but haven’t and they didn’t in the hospital or rehab. I’m so brain addled and physically weak. I don’t know where that is coming from. It’s very discouraging. Trying to find something to had me calling Apple which cost me what I was working on. Got me my answer but had to redo what I. did. Always a price for the help and I cant figure out how it got lost as we didn’t touch't touch that I recall. Have to do it over again. Best force myself to wait til I am done to prevent this. I did want to strangle the guy, but I knew it could be me. I tried to call a woman from rehab, but didn’t connect. Would have loved to play Bingo than here all day. Dee’s home and I got tough with her about a woman she absolutely needs to drop from her because I’m tired of hearing about it. It’s enough emotionally losing her friend. I know this really doesn’t belong here, but it is teaching me to handle reawakening my own grief and relive t s strongly. The message I was working on I’m not going to send. It helps me get together my. questions for the surgeon. Lost another movie night. We give up on recommendations. Watched a few minutes of. The Call about 911 which we’ve seen years ago is good. Have a Zoom meeting with my regular doc toda.y. Need an RX, so not wasted. This depression is making me miss Steve so much. The pain too. I want my man. 😰

This makes no sense to me. How in the world can it possibly take so long for an answer? Did you get the death certificate? I know that would hold up everything legal. And why would there be anything to cover up? From who and for what reason? This is so odd.

Got a shipment from Amazon that took forever to get credit for. Getting cut off, needing order numbers I didn’t have because it didn’t exist. Finally got it settled, the credit and can keep the items. Tivei told Dee I don’t know what I’d say to her repetitive thoughts. I want to be supportive but I’ve listened and said all i know to say. I have my stuff to deal with and need her to help me with my meds. Have to get that done. I hate feeling selfish, but we have to help each other. My mind is also protecting me from reliving my loss so deep again. It can’t be reproduced again. It’s like taking the firs t steps of your life again. Can’t be done. My garage is getting stuff stored from someone I never knew. Dee said she could put them in her van, but that is at someone’s neither of us care for as a friend. It’s hard for me to hear she lost her best friend she could talk to anything about. I ask questions like if she wants to live here. She doesn’t need that no.w. I’ve got to stop trying to reassure myself. I’m angry we only got 11 days adapting. Not that my pain was going to stop, but I see how it was easier becoming closer. Pulled out from under us. we tried watching a movie last night, and bailed on 2. Setups one for tonight. Wasted almost an hour. At least Dee was laughing at the craziness of it. It was good to hear. I’ve noticed I’m putting much weight, if any, on my walker increasing the pain. Another challenging day today. Church dinner. Found out chips are of my list. Miss the little thigs.

I’m very scared today. Feeling so sick and can barely walk. This is feeling like a 911 situation coming. My mind is all over the place too. Shower aide came and Dee was here so that helped a lot. I put my drivers license with my insurance card. I think doing that would get e help faster than walking in. My shrink called and it was noisy for a minute. Told him I couldn’t hear him and he said that was my problem.. ??? He’s the coldest person I’ve ever known. Dee’s gone to make arrangements for her friend. Tomorrow is another chore related day for her friend. I tried inning my hair as usual and I have no left hand strength. Took an hour and still isn’t right. I did my walking and it was tougher than usual. Bath aide said pain uses up a lot of energy so many people go back to bed. I don’t even feel it had a shower today. Trying to figure what Dee feels up to doing. I’m definitely not used to al this restlessness. Nina wants to have our weekend chat Saturday instead of Sunday. I told her I could clear my crowded social calendar for it. We're watchig Uncle Buck. StaringThe Mayors of Kingstown. The prequel to the Sopranos. I told Dee we needed to clear the kitchen counters of stuff that can be in jars I have. There are 3 with stale contents from my being gone as well as Melody. It’s bad enough with walkers and other medical supples. Reminders of how I got to hate this place with Steve’s stuff, now mine with pill dispensers too. This used to be a regular ol' house. I miss that old house. We made some progress in the kitchen. 2 stacks of paperwork that needs to go. Wish I could tolerate SSteemer out here for the carpet and LR furniture. Every day is an over emotional day now. I hate I have no control over anything. I’m learning all the things I can’t do, looking for more I can. I opened a bottle of wine I used to drink before the meds to see if I could. I can but have to leave it in the fridge. I’d love to sit and relax here as I did. Is this how it happens? Changes you know the right decisions but the old call to you? It’s like you’re not you a ny more.

I’m jealous of a dead woman. It’s all Dee talks about. Has all her attention. She still helps me, but is still center stage and lots more to come. Cleaning out her room, memorial arrangement and spreading ashes. What’s driving me a bit crazy is she is repeating the same questions and feelings so much. I want to help, but it gets tedious. I don’t want to start saying ‘you’ve said that so many times'. I know this is tough as she is going thrU this sober, unlike her partner years ago. The emotions feel harder. I'm also fighting the nonstop pain. I spent another day on the phone. My shrink got frustrated calling in my mail order RX's aabd refused to do it again. I had to call my local (30 instead of 90) and find out how much they would allow. THen my rehab PA told him the wrong doses so I had to get that right. I made as simple for him as possible and still don’t know if it will be right. Home health kept calling bumping into each other for times. My X-rays showed up. How I’ll make t to the appointment I don’t know and that day won’t end the pain. I’ve mentioned options. None will be good. I’m trying to work on Dee’s physical upkeep. She’s doing mine. Have some tough times ahead. Hoping not to have a phone day. Dinner tip. If you have pizza, don’t eat any potato chips. They don’t miix well. I was desperate for food and that’s not a good one. Save then for sandwiches. I should have had the grape suggested.

Dee woke me about 9:30 that she was going to the hospital. Her desr friend passed and I’ve never seen her in crisis. She’s just sitting in her car and says she’ll be home soon. I don’t now what to do or if I ca help. I feeldear bad selfishly I want her back as she was. Our routines will be so altered. I can’t even stand and hug her. I want her back for me. It took so long to find her. She will be so changed from this. It was a big part of her identity as we all know. She’s visiting some dogs she cared for. Maybe some dog kisses will maybe help. She’s not changing clothes or eating. It’s been so long since I went thrU this. I was alone. Glad I was. I don’t want to d this again. I don’t know how to help somebody else. So much I want to say but I know it won’t help either of us. The nurse coming today canceled til tomorrow. That’s 2 days in a row now. Something abot her daughter. Another person with a life. Had to call my shrink. Said he would call in a months supply of the meds he plans on cutting of, now he says 3, but the number he gave me connects to a medic alert company. I’m thrilled he wen for 3 over the month he originally said. Eventually I’ll have to get a new shrink. He said eventually he’ll cut these off. Finding a new doc will be tough since I can’t see in person that I can go inn. Plus I want to keep my meds that worked. For now tho, 3 months would be awesome if I heard right. My x-rays finally got here so I can keep mu appointment in a week. Will find out my options for pain and waling. We finished a mo=ie.quiet night and somber night. She’ll be on her. Own mosh of her day today.Most of the day. Another friend will be hard on Dee. Never even lost a parent. Another tough day together. I caresses her face and she seemed to find some solace.