Gwenivere

Dee looked at the bill I got. Said I owe the original $1119. It still doesn’t explain why I’m being billed for X-rays. Or Medicare. The only thing that matters is out of network. The bill came thru mine without explanation. Our rat was still here . Didn’t move when Dee kicked the bin. She hauled it to the street to scoop it out and when she turned it, it VBran out. OK. But then it ran back towards the house. Best I could think to do is keep putting stuff in there so it gets higher and jump out itself. I'm waiting for a PA to get here about my eye. It’s definitely scratched on the skin and inflamed. They’ve come and gone and I have to put an ointment on it daily. I don’t want it in my hair or on my pillowcase overnight. Trying to figure out how I can do this. It’s hard not to not muck with it. How we want to check things. More stuff to do. Dee heard it so no cheating. I want to get better but worn out. I feel shame having to say again that I let myself get pulled into another Dee meltdown. She was great a ll day and switched like a switch asking me some questions. Same. Ones we’ve been over before. Always happens at night. Back to cruel and trying to make me feel this is my fault. Twists it so she doesn’t have to answer my questions. So it’s a night I have to escape in sleep and who will be here in the morning. I don’t know why she stays. She always makes it clear I ruined her life. Today is the anniversary of losing Maria. This is a few days she apologized that this was %99.9 her taking things out on me . And here I a writing about it again. So sorry.

I pleaded with him not to leave despite his pain. It was selfish of me, but I didn’t care about that. I knew it would kill us both.

The rat chewed its way from the recycle bin. Dee went to let it loose in the morning and it was gone. As they are fairly smart, I don’t thin’k it will be back. Fine with me. Got a bill from my insurance for e telemedicine monthly checkin with my PCP. August. I’ve been doing this all year without a bill. I called the first time I got it and todays is for $600 for the same date. It was $119. the first time. How does that happen? Of course it’s the weekend and the mail came when Dee wasn’t here. I am way past getting billed since the surgery as far as reaching my deductible. Dee is out for dinner and a movie with a friend for. Her birthday. She gave me some chocolate before she left when apologized again for how she. has been behaving. It’s going to take much more to gain trust. I talked to Philomena today while showering an d she agreed. Between her and my counselor,, I feel better about it and stronger. Dee and I were just chatting a bit and heard some noise and the rat is back in the bin! Not closing the lid this time. She shook it and hopefully will be gone today. Now my eye on the side I sleep on is all irritate. Red and the skin hurts. Always something. Shower was tough. Probably going to get a PA out here. I’m so sick of more problems. I read how some others here are going thru the same thing. Game time and sleep. Calls for next week racking up. Pain med cont .going too fa st.

I talked to Dee this morning. Told her this can’t continue. I will not be the whipping post of her frustrations. I won’t be forced to argue with yelling or threats. No more dredging up past judgements of my life. Basically, I will not engage if this is done and she can leave as she always threatens to. She apologized and said %99.9 is her, not me. That she overacts. I spent most of my counseling on this topic. Not happy about that. I also haven’t figured out my shower appointment with the eating issues. My surgeon move d yesterday’s appointment to today so I cancelled it. Waiting to reschedule as it will be the same old discussion about more operations . I have ye t to call the pain clinic. Doubts about that. Fun with a rra t last night that felt into the recycle bin. Gonna release iit today during the day in hopes it gets messed up being nocturnal. Or we’ll use a lawn bag for that. Had a rat in the house once and lucked out it fe ll in the kitchen trash can. Was another bad nights sleep Thursday. The usual mix of triggers.will kick in today That minuscule nanosecond all this bad time was just a nightmare. I wish it was it was for all of us.

You’ll always be Marg to me, lady. Just so glad to see you back. I sure know about hating change. I hope things go well with your sister and your new computer. I hate upgrades on mine . It does enough to baffle my old brain as it is. Unpacking moving boxes is tough.

All Dee wanted for he r birthday today was a letter in my hand writing about what she means to me. I wrote her one and she c4ied. Then while she got outrageously angry because I was trying to help with 5he dustbuster where I sit. That I criticize everything she. does. She walked out the door and I don’t know when she’ll be back. She even said I didn’t remember her birthday..??? Next was how II double check the meds she’s supposed to do tonight like we always do. Just more of the same old crap. The only question is how long it will last. I’m the only one ive ever seen her talk to like she does. After things calmed-down she got irritated II.didn’t agree with going without a covering onz my wound unless OK'd by a nurse. Seems she thinks her ideas are always right. I finally got an endocrinology appointment in December. Used the call back method. Much easier. Got my referral into them for it. The visiting nurse sent supplies for my pressure sore. Only can use the 5 large bandaids. The gauze and saline spray make a mess. Got soaked with the saline. Talk with my surgeon and counselor today. Have lots to talk to with both. Can’t believe daylight savings coming up. Washington is going to vote to drop it. I sure hope we do. Everyone complains every year. I’ve always hated it. I'll see what today brings. What will I do wrong. That cherished letter? Left on the coffee table. OK, time to really stop talking about her. If I bring her up, it will be very brief. Enough is enough for what this place is. for. Much mor e to talk about.

Thanks for your insights. I’ve been thinking on how to DISCUSS with her this situation without it being the threat situation. I am not a fiery person. I hate raised defensive voices. I hate sarcasm and all the ploys that destroy reasonable communication as no one hears the other f they are defensive. I don’t think she is capable of this. Plus the brain damage. In other communication she does fine (repair people, medical visitors). Just thinking of this discussion has me in knots. Steve and I were both calm people. All I can do is try. The issues are so easy. Anger at my buying Philomena a computer, that I don’t make her wear a mask when here when she doesn’t and she’s out like her. These are my choices. I don’t owe her explanations. I don’t ask about her finances or who she spends her time with and how. Don’t want to talk to her this week as 2 people have died and it’s her birthday and I won’t add more to that if possible. Only if it gets out of hand, which no doubt it will. She always talks about respect but doesn’t see it regarding herself in her proclaimed love of me. It may have been that way with her Maria, but I’m not her. I don’t like being forced to yell or appease her. She has to adapt to me as I will not do these ridiculous arguments that she drags in from the past and have no bearing on the issue at hand. I won’t have my past choices used as weapons. They were my issues long before I knew her and shared as we got to know one another. Whew. Lots to untangle if possible. Called Social Security and it’s a mess for how you log in now. Thank gawd i rarely go there. I wanted to see the increase, but it will show up in the deposit. This is my 2nd day of trying to get an endocrinology appointment and waiting with no answer. All I can do is leave a message now. I need my phone for other calls and won’t do call waiting on the speaker phone. Fence contractor coming today. Maybe I’ll get something started. Thinking about the carpet. Have to call tech support in my med portal as it won’t let me send a message. Already starting a call list. Sorry about the diatribe about Dee . Thanks for putting up with my droning. It’s time to start making some big decisions. Thanks for all your input too. Love you all. 💕 No more diatribes about her.

Karen, I see Tramadol is a narcotic so the dependency makes sense. It sucks that what can help us creates a whole 'nuther problem. Really frustrates me. I don’t like the side effects and if I could get out of here, I don’t know if I could trust my driving. I get Yellowstone/Paramount with my Direct TV. That sucks that your provider wants more money for it. I knew it was too good to be true to be true that Dee could go more than a day without finding something to get pissed off.about. Doesn’t matter why, it makes things so tense. She threatens me with not doing my meds. I called Philomena to not ever say anything about the gift if she was around. She also gets upset if Philomena is not wearing a mask, tho she doesn’t around me. Way too much on that topic. I wish I could explain it better as she can be an angel. Beyond thej cost and few days a company would cost and truly caring for her. Know you think I’m nuts. Definite possibility. spent all day on the phone. Only thing I couldn’t get doe was an endocrinology appointment. I spent 45 minutes on hold. Had so many other calls to make plus I had an emergency digestive event. Took me 4 times to pin my h air up. A most frustrating day. They all are. I’m seeing my carpets need to be cleaned. They are so matted down. It’s been maybe 3 years and I did yearly. Couch needs it too. Melody's bed and toy baske are here. I don’t want to remove them. It’s too painful. Too real. My baby isn’t here. 😓

I feel a ittle odd about Philomena, probably because I’ve never done that before. She was so happy tho. I donate more modest amounts to groups Steve and I chose decades ago and still do. I woke up early thinking about all the meds I’m addicted to now. How controlled my life is by that. It makes me very angry on top of this ruined body. How no one gets it. Just comments about how many pills I take. They don’t feel the withdrawals. I’m at their mercy. There is none. Found some good news. My property taxes cleared so my tax refund won’t be totally affected. by the new fence. I’m hoping that is the case. Fences are pricey. I’m very annoyed the estimator did not show up. A nurse is coming by not long after I get up to assess the pressure sore. Ought to be interesting as I’m so shaky. Thursday is gonna be tough too with almost back to back Zoom calls for trying to fit a lunch in there. Another week begins. It’s a B12 injection week. I need to figure out my dose is in an insulin uni5 needle. Those hype me up. Another last thing I need. I think I’m still having COVID booster symptoms. It’s been4 days and things feel really weird. The nurse said this could happen. This kind of luck I could live without. Been enjoying watching Yellowstone on disc. No commercials and gorgeous horses. It’s amazing what they can be trained to do. All with grace and dignity. I like to think about something while going to sleep. A good one to you all.

Joyce, I know this is a very hard day. Grief takes the happy and poisons it. Just like their birthdays and holidays. It also gives us a passing date that never existed. Wishing you the warm and loving hugs. 💕

I was posting in another topic about Steve and it brought me to tears. It was in reply to one of Marg's about how deep our loves were for our soulmates. After all these years it is always at the surface. I want to do a couple personal emails and get them over with. There are a couple of you here I’ve emailed with and I feel terrible I haven’t written. I prefer Zoom being so homebound. I’m going to try harder because a lot don’t care for it. I like seeing faces. Dee found another thing to be pissed off about, actually more. This has taken up the whole evening. Kicked off by Philomena being here when she got here. I gave Philomena the money for a computer and she was so happy. It was exactly the amount she needed. So no more extra job. Feels good to pay it forward. I forgot my property taxes will come out too. So the new fence might hurt a bit. Has to be done tho. I didn’t wake up until the alarm yesterday. It was horrible. No time to prepare for the reality I have to live in. I know I will never get better. Know I have to make a decision how much longer exit this kind of life. It’s a joke even calling it that.

Very powerful post, Marg. I feel as you do. There will be no more romance in my life. I’ve had mine. This isn’t like my younger days. Even then Steve was in the picture somewhere. It wasn’t till I was about 23 that he was the only one. He even sang at my first wedding. Why I had to divorce at 25. I then really saw my love for him. Took til I was 27 to marry. It was either that or just date others. Not be alone yet. Others can say I might have met someone else, but I don’t think that would have happened. We were like magnets. He was the same. Trying relationships with others that always ended. Come back to me and leave and back again. He even cheated on me twice and it wasn’t enough to tear us apart. Times we thought we didn’t love each other anymore. Found we were so wrong. Our love was so tested. It was also the best thing I ever felt. I know why call girls will not kiss clients. It’s more intimate than sex. I don’t know how my mother remarried from what I knew of her relationship with my father. She wouldn’t tell me anything about him. Too much pain.? She didn’t tell my stepfather or I that her ‘friend' was my aunt. She was the one that told me all about them and sent me many things he made and pictures, tho I found pictures she had of him in her closet. My stepdad was my real dad to me. I was 4 when they married. I never knew this other man. My sister did. She was 13 when he passed. We grew up like only children. She just wanted to go back east as that was her home and did. Anyway, Steve was the one. There would be no other I know this in my heart and soul.

Totally packed day on the phone. Tried using my headset, but the hair clips made it difficult. It’s a the start of true fall/.winter,. I managed to get everything done but a phone call. Broke out my winter slippers, new flannel nightshirt and lap electric blanket. I expected to feel worse after the COVID booster Thursday. Yesterday I just didn’t sleep well and had a headache all night. My tax refund came in and t was more than the CPA estimated. Means my fence and laptop for my shower aide are definitely covered. I’d like to pick one out and have it be a big surprise, but don’t know what else se wants to do with it. Another weekend that always feel longe. Perhaps less calls. Can do some personal email. I’m not really into that much anymore. Just here and websites. Don’t like talking on the phone personally either, like Zoom. Sure feel very changed from this isolation. An extroverts worst enemy. Game then bed time. Pressure sore still hanging in there. Withdrawal going strong. Having too much fun.

That is a wonderful gift Kay. I’ve always believed in paying things forward when we can. I know her doing my showers cuts into her very little down time. She’s doing this for 2 other people from the company she quit that treated her badly and she was going to pick up work to save for it. I just hope the IRS comes thru quick or I’ll take the hit and wait. Going to see if my CPA has any idea how long. Just got my COVID booster and am feeling weird. I knew this would happen and I got the Moderna which is worse. I began feeling weird within the 15 minutes Supposed to be worse sleeping and tomorrow. My mail order RX's were wrong. Messaged in for that. Need to have another doc refer in for regular flu shot to add to others home bound so maybe they will do that. Nurse said many patients were asking. Went thru piles o.f rehab paper work that went into the recycle. Already have my call list going for today. I’m sure more will come in. Dee did all my pills including morning which is 3 weeks instead of 1. Makes her testy. I asked if she could just remember my brain is compromised and try to be nicer. Asked and she said she’d do better. Working up to a 5 phone calls today already.today. I haven’t even gotten up yet. This ought to be interesting or top of the booster shot.

This is a huge decision. I wouldn’t want any the ‘poison' used to treat something terminal. I also don’t want to be alone anymore. Sad, you haven’t expressed what choice you’ve made. I watched Steve’ try treatment for time, but the quality wasn’t worth it to him. It granted little of that. He opted little to playing music with his buddies and time we could deeply share. It’s certainly a private decision you don’t have to reveal. I wish you the best in whatever you choose. 💕

Thank you for the input. It’s very hard needing her. She usually is so very kind and it’s the repeating and memory probs. The arguments are what’s abnormal when they happen. Her expression of love and anger are very different than I’ve ever seen. There’s something off anyway, but the Spanish/Russian combo is intense. It’s that she’s IN love with me I feel too. Had a shower. Getting my Covid booster and counseling today. Not sleeping well at all. Dee’s been having to make me get out of bed. Even tho I don’t enjoy it, it’s better tha n full consciousness. But I can accomplish some things. I want to find out what my tax refund is as I want to get my shower friend a basic inexpensive laptop as she lost her's when she quit so she can’t get pictures from her kids in Africa. She must not have a smartphone. Getting late. Lots t be stuck in my head I wish wasn’t.. Good day for counseling.

I’m so sick of tracking this and that daily. I know you have the same frustration. T gets so wearing. Ad in my docs not really getting it and I just want to-scream at them. Meanwhile life stuff like fences, dead van batteries, and indecision on this latest COVID booster tug at me too. Watching my resources eep shrinking is very unsettling. My planner says this is the worst it’s been in decades. You get used to a comfort zone. This fence is going to be a big hit. But it’s nt something I have to get done for the winter. I haven’t had the deck cleaned or sealed for 2 years. Also not good. Dee cleared the bathroom sink and said itI don’t show appreciation. I don’t know what that means. I’ve always thanked her profusely. Probably means a long discussion. *sigh*. Always a big production. Wow, amazingly not needed! Supposed to have a shower today. Of course nature caught up with my digestion yesterday. Hoping not a problem today. Canceled housekeeper this coming Friday as I have been told ito get it and expect to feel awful as I I always do. Hope I get lucky and get Phizer. Seems Moderna has worse side effects. Then a quick spoons of PB land counseling. OFf to bedtime rituals. The a abate lunch and counseling. Have a winter lounge shirt come y the weekend when we finally get some rain.. Morning to all.

Woke up today even worse. I so don’t want to be here anymore. This med withdrawal is hell and knowing physically I will not improve leaves no reason to keep doing this. I think about in patient mental care and. don’t know what that could do. I still haven’t heard from my shrink. I added up the opiates and they are lower than I thought. I stopped changing the anxiety meds., put them back to what they were. Very odd he has not called back. Guess the 3 changes at once he hasn’t an answer for. I’m seriously thinking of passing on the Covid booster on Thursday as I never leave the house and Dee got hers. I called my financial advisor and it’s pathetic what the stock market has done to everything. Never taken such hits ever. Had an appointment with my regular doctor. As always, what he considers easier to do than they are. It’s so easy for them to throw out things to do not knowing how hard they can be. I’m not young or in good shape like they are. Sometimes I wonder if they can even conceive what this feels like. My doc sometimes gets impatient and I have to remind him this is something he’s never experienced. my north cedar fence is falling apart. We were going to try and cheap repairs. Think I’ll just get chain lin and call it good. This won’t withstand the winter. Plus easier. Hoping I don’t wake up feeling like life’s over today. That was truly scary.

Had my Sunday afternoon chat per usual. Dee's picking up our dinners. Another woman asked her to pick up 2 for her despite her telling her that she didn’t want to wait around and wasn’t going to anymore. But she did. At least she’s not waiting at the church but going to have some alone time and the woman will have to come to her. Dee was going to go to the pharmacy for stuff I need and I told. Her they can wait til Monday. Haven’t heard back from my shrink about this 3 drug med cut all at once. 2 or then being his. Could I have stumped him? That would be grand ! I ordered a flannel shirt to sit in for 5he winter from Amazon. Hopefully i5 will be warm enough. Always a gamble w hen you can’t t r6 something first. Back to 1883 for movie time. I felt awful after dinner. Doesn’t matter if it’s healthy or junk. So I did burger, chips and chocolate. Have to get some Mirilax. Darned pain meds. Have to get my shower late afternoon Friday when the housekeeper is here unless I cancel her this week. But it would be the same in another 2 weeks. I prefer about 1pm over 4. But this a huge favor. It’s just more painful the later it is. Dion't remember snoozing my alarm yesterday. Thank goodness Dee woke me up so I wasn’t off schedule for meds. Time to do it again. I’m so done with this existence. 😰

Totally wiped out yesterday.. This sleeping on the opposite side and Dee drinking made for too much to deal with. My bath friend came by because I spaced out it wasn’t Sunday as usual. So that’s delayed to next Friday. Days off have changed. Just don’t care about anything. I only semi enjoy DVD TV time. Less and less to contribute here. No one understands including the doctors. Not like there’s anyone. Maybe that’s the problem, so many say they’re sorry, and ;*pof*, there’re gone. I've been trying to find a warm lounge for the winter. Trying o get answers about med cuts. Nothing makes sense. Forced to feel more despair. Body not working and being reminded ever single minute. Even in dreams. Thanks as always for a home.

I had a heck of a time going to sleep last night. Couldn’t stop coughing. Triggered the back pain. Can see the haze in the day and really bright lights like at the Mariner game right now.

We all know this is waiting for us someday. I’m so sorry it has made itself known to you, but see you have found ways to to enhance your life. I don’t now how to say anything I won’t stumble over. Reunion with your parents is wonderful. All of you getting the most precious of time. I’m not a person of prayer, but I am of caring deeply. You are deeply in my thoughts.

Another day of despair. Thank gawd I looked at my morning meds as there was a double dose of pain pills. Found out the ointment has been at the pharmacy but no call. Trying to let Dee know as she is picking up 2 others.. have to call several other places before the weekend. Don’t know if she talked to the Hawaii guy. Now I have the ointment for the wound and have to sleep on the uncomfortable side. This is going to be awful. There is no getting comfortable or getting on that hip fully. Have to start with it tonight. Got my refills from the shrink and he’s cutting me down a half mg. Of each anxiety med a day. I need to make another cut on the pain ones too. This pressure sore is complicating my whole day. I talked to a nurse about cleaning it and got the recliner and had to remind her I can’t lay on my back and I couldn’t anyway. Not for overnight. More drama with Dee. Amazes me the new ways that come up. Really trying to figure out how I could use the 3 day a week service. Would not be inexpensive and a lot of wasted hours. A lot more lonely time. This is a mess. Time to prepare for bed. Now i get to add wound care to the day. I have help now but if it goes back to myself it’s going to be crossing my fingers I cover it well. My kindom for a faity godmother nurse! I’m also supposed to lower 3 meds at once. Goa ae to call about that. There’s only so much a person can do at one time.

Dee was offered this Hawaii trip last spring but she was taking care of the house and not in a hurry. The guy just sprung it on her a couple of days ago. I need more notice. I asked if she could wait til after the holidays. She has to decide and talk to him. I think she’d be fine with spring. He is very elderly (90 or so) and wealthy. So some decides on him. He may not feel he has time to wait. Now I hear another section of my fence is leaning and need to call my landscapers and see if they can fix it. 1 post needs to be stabilized. If not, I need to call someone for that. 1 part was by chain link and Dee did it. This is a post in the full cedar. Finally finished my antibiotics. Hoping my stomach feels better. Had to deal with pharmacies all day. The exterminator. Going to have an 80 degree day Sunday. Unheard of here. morning to all.

Theirs is a different grief anyway. The loss of a father is another beast. I lost my mother first and it tore me up. I trusted her with just about everything. But she didn’t leave me in total loneliness. I wouldn’t have been a. burden on her if she was here. This has made me long for her. Her generational upbringing prevented talking about intimate stuff, I had girlfriends for that occurrence.. I could be way off base, but I think you all talking about this wonderful ma would help you all. We never had children, so our furry kids provided much solace until I lost them. Now I have a counselor but it’s not even close to talking to someone in my life on a daily basis. She is a widow and friend, but it’s a professional situation when it comes to that. We’ve talked about it outside counseling, but she keeps boundaries. For you, you have a support system, unless there are problems between you. I truly hope you can all lean on each other and how it affects each of you.