Gwenivere

You are so right, Chocolate. It does make you feel like you have so many personalities and crazy. The only one I can’t feel is the one I was with him. The only one I want to be. And what revolves from it. Living all these other versions has me so looking for a permanent escape. It’s very frightening. A lot is becoming disabled to not do normal things like I did when this started. That was hard enough without all these battles. Having to have someone living with me and never leaving the house. I read others struggles and they are so hard. Everything I watch or hear is different . So much anger,, depression and jealousy. A cold and broken heart. II know I’m not alone in the mindset. I don’t feel less a person. I just feel a void that will never be filled with extra challenges I don’t know if I can ever adapt to.

My taxes to file came today. I so hate dealing with that stuff. Another Steve, job and med mess which is a reminder. Got a refund on an overpayment from rehab I used to pay the accountant. So much for having a little extra for something I buy. But grateful of the timing. This coming week has 4 ays of disruption that are overwhelming. I’m even wanting to skip my shower Sunday. Planning on skipping my hair. I checked my weight and it’s the same, so glad about that as I don’t do much but try and stay healthy. Don’t need to add more for my back to support. I’m trying to coordinate with Dee getting my meds done for another week since s he has a huge emotional day Wednesday. I know it’s going to mess her up. Saturday nights are so dull. I miss when they were special. Same with Sunday's and BBQ's. Hard to determine what days are what except financial institutions are open during the week. I really don’t have. anything to say, but I need to connect here. I’m so grateful it’s hers . All of you I read. I miss the people that used to write more. Life keeps changing for everyone. I just miss hearing their grief journey. Maybe I’m just weird. Lord knows I’m in the situation for it. All thoughts for Marty and everyone in the storm zones.

I have to call about the tax confusion. My check is written for this month only. I don't know why I sent it in without the tab but they sent it back wanting this new mystery charge. It doesn’t even show on the site online. All my calls were fruitless. Gould not get connected w ith a person. Left voicemails. My shrink wants a Zoom meeting next Tuesday to talk about all the changes he wants to make. He wants to change antidepressant.s. I o not. He wants me off all the anxiety meds that worked for over 30 years. I do not. He could just cut me off, but that is very dangerous for the dependence. Hopefully he will wean me off them This is precisely why I have a stash Haven’t figured out what to b next, who I can look for. My worry is these new class of meds don’t work for everyone will make finding continuation of whats worked for decades extremely hard to continue. This adds another layer of complication to life. Living with what it is is.hard enough. Trying to find keeps proving beyond challenging is exhausting. , First day of October here and going to be a record temp day. 80 hasn’t been seen here in decades. 💕 to all.

Keeping Marty in my thoughts thru these storms. Watching the news s absolutely frightening. I.hope we hear from her soon. I keep forgetting to post mine before going to bed. Last night was another night with Dee’s behavior. Had to lay some things on the line this morning. I’m lining up an agency if needed. Food has been so much a problem since getting home. It’s healthier, but the sitting really makes it uncomfortable. This reinforces my frustration about not getting any help. I checked on my pain meds and-my doc didn’t drop the dose. I’m surprised. I already dropped it a bit. The surgeon is sending a pain cliic r referral.. I know I'd need to go in person andI do not do downtown. This also doesn’t solve the inability to stand remotely close to normal. Have to wait a week to talk to the clinic. Have a project with property taxes. They want twice as much from me than is even on the website. All it shows is what I owe end of October. I've been reading other topics here from the newly bereaved members. How hard those times are. I w ish I could offer wise or comforting words. I’ve tried. a couple of times. It shows me how it becomes glued to our very being. Some find love again but it’s not the same. My mother did. Keven did. I’ve gotten different levels of love from a couple of people. The well will never be full again. It can’t be for me. Some tings you just know. My mom remarried at 42. She would never speak of my father. His sister, who became known to me later told me their fairy tale history. I know she loved my stepfather, but it was different of course. That she worked so hard to make it secretive is very odd. Even as an adult I couldn’t get info tho she saved so many pictures of him and them. October already?

I’m sorry to see you here for the reason you are. You are still in shock. This caring, loving group will be here to help you with everything you feel. I know I would have had a worse time without them. I understand about your furry kids, they were our entire family.never having kids. I’ve never stopped missing and loving him and still get blindsided after 8 years. I expect that the rest of my life. I don’t know how long you were together, but we had just over 30 years and it wasn’t enough. We never think about this happening when we had such a perfect person for us and vice versa. We’re here anytime.

With Steve I would feel there was a reason to bear this. A very big part is why I am. As it is now, I don’t know why I am letting myself go insane and for what purpose. Nothing good can come from this. I really am aware today of how much a non person I am becoming. I sometimes zone out, like I’m here, but feel nothing. In a moment I can change to utter foment. Tuesday was the 2nd day the surgeon had no nurse to talk to. What are patients supposed to do needing help? My doctor brought uo a narcotic that sounds awful. It can prevent you from sleeping. Plus he hates anything addictive. All these practitioner’s confuse me. I'm not one for chatting on the phone locally so in trying to send her a note I put her address in wrong. Trying to fix it didn’t work. Had an anxiety attack which shows me how on edge I am. Also needed my B12 shot that was overdue. Dee had to help with that. Finding more things I need that for. Time has no real meaning. It’s a bizarre world when there are no meanings for anything but you have to do things to survive it. They’re in direct conflict with each other. Eating dinner last night was the usual. So uncomfortable but I had to. Any hunger fled when I shuffled in there, sat in pain and packed food into a squished torso disappeared. But I sure feel it. Sorry for the babbling. About all I do. I add more pain to get up and do things I often wouldn’t ask someone who was going to do themselves Like they would do you. It’s dumb. Yeah, I get up, but emphasize the pain. I’m definitely going nuts as is quite obvious. 😵‍💫

Another day.of sitting here in fear. I desperately want help but have no idea where to get it. I got a large envelope from my insurance about changes for 2023. I don’t even care. I tried finding in home eye exams and there are ones for smart phones. I made numerous calls and left messages with stats services. Also called for the Covid booster. Now I have too find out about the regular flu. I’m doing this to act normal. I don’t really care about any of them but glasses. It’s not like I’m exposed, tho I guess I am thrU Dee. i've called my insurance and they have no precedent for in home eye care, if it exists... I don’t know yet either. Can’t talk to the spine center til a week from Thursday about the pain. The anxiety is out of control to add to what hell this is. So all I’ve accomplished is waiting for return phone calls. It changes nothing until those happen. I need to cancel my alarm monitoring. I hope that is simple. Not planning on removing any equipment. Just tired of the payments for nothing. I’m trying to care.about something. i've been sick all day. It’s hard to do anything feeling like that. Add in the crippling pain. The soonest my surgeons office will call is a week from Friday. I don’t know how I’ll make it that long. If I call 911 I don’t know what they will do beyond the ER. Which I’ve done once. I was told to keep moving, but it’s become absolute torture. I had a small dinner and feel so bad. Dee is all upset and has been treating me with too much affection. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m so messed up I don’t know how to deal with any of it. Maybe she’s afraid of losing me like her friend. Going to bed is such a huge ordeal now. Getting up is s simpler, but I don’t dress for leaving the house. I try and get things done so I’m not sitting the whole time, but I mostly am. It’s so hard when you can't breathe well. I don’t like living with constant complaints but it’s what it is. I know I would be more bearable with Steve. One thing so much a part of me. It would be as painful. It’s that love to hang onto.

I’m not going to try and diagnose Dee. I know something is off. There is no way she’d go to a group or anyplace like this. She’s got a very strict thing about privacy as she doesn’t trust many people with private info about herself. I explained how the agencies work. Committed to hours, but not necessarily when you need something like late night or getting up. Have to pay, used or not. Plus the no help with meds. Did do my shower. My friend (former aide) said I was more stooped over. Got my hair up and all my laps in. Had my Sunday Zoom chat in. The Seahawks were playing football, so I gave the TV to Dee being an extreme fan. We wound up with lots of food being Sunday, tho some is burned. Shower friend brought me a meal too. Wish I could really enjoy them. Are good but if you’re uncomfortable you just want to get it done and over with. We’re going thru our last gasps of summer temps. The house is very uncomfortable. It’s nice and cool outside but warmer in here than it was outside all day. I need new glasses and my insurance benefits say no copy or referral. I don’t believe them. So i need to call. In home will be much more expensive than Target where I usually went. Don’t need frames which they’ll pay $250. I just wish something would bring some pleasure. Almost time to sleep to do this again. I read a bit more on this kephosis curvature that’s getting worse and besr answer is ……..surgery. PT not usefl useful at my stage. Maybe when I was in rehab they pulled the benefits on. I’ll never know 7 months later.

I am in a corner. I’m looking into an agency, but as I said, besides obvious things like food shopping, I don’t know when I will need something. I have to commit to determined hours a week. They also can’t do my meds. That is vital. I’ve done them once, but the side effects of pills, chronic pain, having to face my shrink and Dee play into everything. My counselor said the agoraphobia is very common. That helps immensely. She suggested finding a counselor that specializes in living with chronic pain. I haven’t done much today. I’m overwhelmed with depression. A third of the day goes by so fast leaving the rest aware of the time going by. Everywhere I I turn I see how trapped I am. No fires so far today. What I usually want. Makes me more aware of my true circumstances. How there are no answers. Well, there are but they are so dark. I called my counselor and she suggested a pain therapist. Another message to docs for suggestions. Dee came home gut punched about her friends death. A lot of repetition of why. It’s hard to explain how frustrating it is. Supposed to have a shower today. Not sure I can handle it. I’m getting so close to crossing an insanitary line.

My husband was my best friend for decades. The loss of that has been devastating. The 8 years and more to come make me want to hurry the process. I’m not the me I was and can’t be with a critical part missing. It won’t come back. So I’m in a world that has no true meaning. Not fulfilling ones, anyway. I go thru the motions. I’m also disabled now. I helped him thru through his final years. I lost that job too. We made those into the best times possible. Now I have essentially strangers. love him so much but carry an anger as well. I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. I don’t have that kind of faith. Can’t force that. All I know is I don’t want to be here without him.

Wow, hard to imagine your temps here, Karen. And when we do have them it’s absolute misery. Dee really raked me over the coals last night. She’s acting totally normal today. It’s a scary atmosphere as she’s carrying a lot of ‘disrespect'. I have never succeeded in fixing it and probably never will. Problem is I need her too. I need so much help. I can’t predict when, but in the late night there would be no one here. I feel terrible saying that. I can’t afford a live in caregiver. They probably can’t do meds either. I've developing agoraphobia. I always had the panic disorder, but I’m terrified thinking of going in anywhere. I’ve been essentially locked up for 14 months. I never had this part of the disorder before. As long as I took my meds I was OK. I get huge anxiety just being here. I never feel safe anymore. It’s not supposed to be that way. But I look at my circumstances and see something I couldn’t have ever imagined. I heard from my surgeon that .PT won’t do much. Just staying ambulatory as I can. When Dee is normal she gets me to do my strength exercises. I’m sure they help. I slept most of Thursday right without moving. I don’t know if that is good or not. I wanted to call my counselor, but got tied up with Amazon again. Wanted to find out if long isolations can cause fear of being back in the world. Dee could take me to a park but all I can do is sit. I’m going to ask the surgeon again how does a person live in nonstop pain. It’s where they already operated. I need an answer.

I’m friends with my housekeeper as well, even tho I only see her here. It’s nice to have some company. Dee did several chores. Can’t really justify it. But loneliness is a huge motivation. I am going to cancel as I’d like to have some things put away like the AC. I called Amazon with a similar question and they made me reset my password o see my account. NThat went easy, but now I’m locked out because it thinks something is wrong with my credit card l just used a couple of days ago. Reset my whole account. Supposedly should be able to enter tomorrow. I should have never touched it. There will be a problem. Their explanation doesn’t make sense. I should really be mad at me as I know better than to muck with things over a question. I’ve got to let go of my frustration of Dee not being to say no to anyone that needs help that makes her feel overwhelmed. She’s going back out for someone else who is waiting on AAA and all she can provided is a jump. If’ the car needs more-there is no5hing she c an do. Self created chaos I don’t dare bring up. I tried eating Safeway Chinese food again. Ugh. Now I know, not that I had any doubts, but today is going to be a very bad day combined with everything else. Dee is on another time of grilling me and I have to shut it drown so I can think. For someone who loves me so much, she says she can’t forgive me for thing’s i never wanted to hurt her about. And yet she keeps-taking phone calls. Why do i have to love her so much? We are from 2 different worlds.

First call today was from my CPA. Papers/forms missing I had last year. A big one from the huge medical bills. She said she'd prepare it anyway. Kept telling me to stay calm. Hard to do when everything that can goes wrong for over a year, nonstop pain and don’t knock where this going to go. Wrote a message to the surgeon as I’ve heard nothing back about viable options beyond more surgery. I’ve only semi confirmed being up and around is not hurting me. It’s gotten worse so breathing is very hard. Being weaned down on the opiates must be having an effect even at a small percentage. I still haven’t called my shrink. Don’t know if I’m up to a mental beating. My CPA said put on some TV, relax and have a good day. What’s driving me crazy as it is! I’ve spilled water twice since getting up. Repined my hair which is monu,ental. Need all my pill packs refilled which is always tense. Dee gets very intense which is good I made things as clear as I can. More 2022 health info came. I keep anything with a balance. If I kept the zero balance ones I’d be drowning in paper. I got a $30 refund check so buying us some dinners and gas for her as she runs around on errands for me. Trying to decide wether to have the housekeeper this week. Rates up and more needed when I need the bed changed and laundry. This house is so different than my once home. So much spent on being old and the minimum that I have to pay. No deck work, carpets cleaned, furnace check and yard maintenance. Can’t even change the. filter in my bedroom fan. All things that would so help. Watching Hatfieldds @ Mc'coys. and I see beyond what a horrid time was to live and see it’s the family bond that is the reason for living. I miss that feeling in my life now. It was very cold this morning and I can’t move to turn it on. First I need to get someone to put it on my bed. Brrrrrrrr. Really getting worried that walking is getting so much harder. Solutions not seeming so critical to my supposed care givers.

Great news! Ca you share your brides ,name?,

Very tough day getting up. Harder every day. Had a Zoom appointment with my PCP yesterday. I wasn’t very patient especially when he got into all he wants me to do. So easy for them to order tests. Major ordeals to do. Ne’er know if my insurance will pay so have to add that in too. Everything more complicated with more oxygen dependence and walking worse. Not really caring as I can’t lower the pain. Karen, definitely planning to try to get penalties waived. The state won’t do it under any circumstance. So I I’m stuck with the penalty. I owed another for the last half of 2021 too. I tied pay that too or it would get bigger. So much more than I planned on. Trying to walk today was very hard. I’m so slouched and trying to stay as upright as I can is failing so my diaphragm is so compromised. I had lots of names and numbers I tossed. Clean slate. No reference for what they were for. I so love living on the phone (not) i rather not break my phone from frustration. Wondering if every time I get upI can stand it. Nw finding sitting is harder. So wanting to do ANYTHING but to take up space. I’m already trying to figure out doing this another day. Now it’s going on 8 years. I thought I’d eventually find a way to become introverted which I am not, never have been. This shows me we end up when we’re forced to be something we are not, it never works. Same as my Steve.

I used to go to bed a))bout 4:30. I’m back on about an hour now. 2am in my long stint in rehab. Always have been a night owl, Steve too. Did my time when I worked decades ago of the 'normal' life. The world runs 24 hours a day! Had a Zoom meeting with my regular doc. Had a scroll of things he wants me to do. They forget that it’s a o easier to or than to do. Especially with all the stuff I’d have to drag along. No comprehension of living as I have to mentally. I thought I might have gotten good news as I saw I had written a check for the years property taxes. Dee remembers mailing it. A call confirmed it was ne’er received. So,, I didn’t lose any money, but I have to now. It would have been the higher first half. Couldn’t find anywhere online to find it. More calls. I really want to smash this phone. Probably facing penalties. I was in rehab, thought I’d was taken care of. But no. This was the 2nd check the PO has lost. Again, a submitted post didn’t takke and half is missing. I KNOW I make sure I get them in before bed. Maybe my brain is more messed u than I realize. That makes moe sense. I could swear I wrote about what happened all day yesterday.

Sunday I got a much needed shower. Oddly, it didn’t. make me feel better. It was knowing the time interval. Not because I had done anything that warranted it. I just now how eating affects me and don’t want any surprises. I don’t know what this week will bring . Yesterday was extra painful. I’m sure being tense and the tub movements made things worse. Haven’t lost the feeling sick thing either. Here later than usual. Jst doesn’t feel right not checking in.

James, I don’t know why you try and convince us we would desert you if we met you. You don’t know that plus it’s you judging yours. self, not us . Like you want us to feel that way. Sorry, our choice.

Boho, your post and illustrator are SO spot on. I know how both are. Sympathy can suck. We need to feel people want to get more involved. I can get sympathy at the grocery store. But someone wanting to actually care and connect is warming. I’ve heard the words ‘I’m sorry' so many times. The sentiment is appreciated, but it isn’t important to them. Socially being polite. I have to confess I did that before I experienced it myself as far as partners. Losing parents i can connect to. Very rare to find payola who will sit that hole with you.

I feel like this every time I think of Steve. How simple life was by being together. I ban barely handle a roommate much less the thought of another romantic interest. He was the center of my world for over 30 years. I know that can’t e refilled. It’s the only kind of l know and trust. Being disabled now really changes things.. I’m too old for the dating thing. That was for when I was discovering myself and others that fit. Now I’m formed and found I haven’t the interest n anyone else. Maybe if I were younger. Definitely not now.

Yes, many congratulations Kevin! What is her name? ❤️❤️❤️

The shower aide I had in transition stoped by. She has volunteered to give me showers thru October. That is awesome. I hope Dee doesn’t take it wrong. This woman looks at it being gods work and we get along very well. I dd need Dee to hair trimmed which she did. My meds have been really messing with me as well as the pain getting worse. My insurance called and I couldn’t get then back. Spent almost an hour with iPad problems again. Sounds are always on and I didn’t change anything. This time they didn’t fix it to what it was so I’ll work around it. I hate-changing settings because I can’t find them again which means another call. Woke up today feeling very ill. Another reason to not want to go on. The notes from the surgeon and the appointment are different than L recall. I really se no need to continue this existence. It’s a horrible feeling.. I have no clue who to talk to. He doesn’t think PT will help much, was back different than I remember. Brought surgery back in which was once out. How’s a person to know what to bo? I did more exercise than I planned. Habits and trying to stay active. I wish I could depend on my memory. I truly miss that. I wish I never needed oxycodone. It's so messed up my thinking. These posts are proof. I’m glad you all put p with me. A good Sunday to everyone. At least people like us struggling here.

The shower aide I had in transition stoped by. She has volunteered to give me showers thru October. That is awesome. I hope Dee doesn’t take it wrong. This woman looks at it being gods work and we get along very well. I do need Dee to trim my hair. I just never know how her mood will be. My meds been really messing with me as well as the pain getting worse. My insurance called and I couldn’t get then back. Spent almost an hour with iPad problems again. Sounds are always on and I didn’t change anything. This time they didn’t fix it to what it was so I’ll work around it. I hate-changing settings because I can’t find them again which means another call. Arg! Dee had another weird night that had me in knots. I’m hoping the place I want to hire will be able to pull together a team soon. It’s getting too much the normal relationship and her going ‘nutty'.. I had such high hoes and no idea she surrender damage from physical mistreatment. It’s very sad. Time to start winding down for sleep. Latest news is she will probably be going to NM to see friends of her friend' that died for a week. I think/hope I have a couple weeks to get my needed people. More so, that Iget some much needed pain help. Without that, it’s all futile. Cold weekend. Moved up to fall socks and no fan when sleeping. Good thing I don’t have to go anywhere as shoes are too tight. Best to all. 💕

New post as my iPad got locked up and I couldn’t get my keyboard in any application. It doesn’t take much to make the challenges seem so much bigger. My mind is still spinning after talking with the surgeon. I, at least, don’t feel as bad about how slouched over I am as it’s beyond my control unless I get really lazy. I do a lot as I don’t see any help for a long time. T's taking a toll of making me feel physically sick. I felt awful watching during movie time. That the movie was a let down didn’t help. Go back to the usual today and hopes I can pull off another day. Hoping nothing pops up beyond what I already have to do. Having to face the pain is quite enough.

Yes, thank you, Kieron. I’m kinda drowning in information, but every bill helps. So much is my fatigue about all the paperwork and I can’t name the times for everything. Kay, I don’t know how to back thins up to the cloud, but the computer also is not working correctly. Can’t get my printer on. I am angry with the surgeon which I plan on telling him today. It’s my shrink I’m scared of as he is so cruel. What an ordeal this is for you kay. I can’t imagine how you are handling this. I read how you are and am amazed. I’d be telling my neighbor to take the dilly bars for his help. 🙂 When I woke up my eyes were really messed up. I also had a dream that was intense and will take a long time to fade. Why can’t the semii good ones stick? I finally talk to the surgeon tomorrow. I’m wondering if anyone knows how someone lives with constant pain. I’m wondering how the person with it can. Testing iPad holder.uncrsitting up to use it. I’m not sire this will work as it does raise my head, but the bend is still there and everything is still as blurry. Talk to the surgeon today about living with chronic pain. All stuff I’ve written about so much about. Bent way over or sitting up straighter makes no difference. The bones don’t move. All I can emphasize it’s not possibles. I see why people throw in the towel. A PT woman was supposed to come by yesterday and never showed up. Left her 2 voicemails and nothing. Frustrating trying to get ideas for help and they don’t materialize. Dee said she would help me take a shower. I may have to take that offer. It’s been a long time. I talked to my surgeon via Zoom. I was in tears about how bad the pain is getting worse. He’s going to talk to his partner about what can be done. He brought up more surgery for my upper back. I don’t trust it anymore. I was so upset I forgot to ask if I’m hurting myself walking around and bending over to the floor now. He’s going to call back so I will. I told him the truth. This is pushing self harm thinking. He told me what my back has now and I look up things. The thought of utter dependence, pain-and being alone is huge. I better post this as the software keeps wiping out parts. This is keeping what little sanity I have. Thank you everyone. 💕