Gwenivere

Knowing me, I will probably put out our little 2 foot tree. I love the lights and all I have to do is take it out of he bag and plug it in. I don't think I can take a Christmas morning that bare. I did that last year, but I was in shock. It's hard to make decisions about it because either way it's going to hurt.

Ugh, that annoying mail. I have contacted places that hit me hard like the hospital he received treatment from. I hate seeing their logo and it makes me think of those times so I requested to be dropped from all mailing lists. Then there are phone calls to field now and again. Wow, just got one as I typed this....freaky! Well, so much for not being pulled back into the sadness for the evening.

This makes perfect sense to me as I have never found the 'stages' all that helpful thru other losses. Yes, some applied in their description, but looking back I do see these as more relevant to Steve than to me. Fear and anxiety are way up there in my stages. I don't get thru a day without an anxiety attack or two. My crying goes beyond the normal definition to a sobbing described as keening. I can't even form words when it gets that intense. I had written my grief counsellor last night to again remind me that at 13 months this was all still normal. I got a resounding yes. Thank you for clarifying that, Marty, because we are so slammed with the stages from all sides of people that think that it is a predictable progression and if we don't fall into that, we can be perceived as doing something wrong. One thing I have seen is society is not very patient with those in grief. At least ours. Some cultures fully recognize this and wouldn't even question our pain and how we have to do it at our own way and at our own pace.

I relate totally to what you are saying. I can only tolerate being around happy people for a very brief time. Mostly because it takes to much energy to fake it being OK for them, but also knowing I will be going home alone to an empty house without the person that made me happy. I have, in my mind, essentially cancelled the holidays. They are now days I just want to over so everyone will go back to their normal lives as that is hard enough to relate to right now. But all this jolly stuff? Totally lost on me now. I am supposed to go to a woman's house on thanksgiving and I only am so my dogs can play with hers and get some interaction beside me. I already know I can't do the dinner chit chat. As for wanting to die, get that too. It's hard to be alive when you feel like you already have.

Brad....I read this..... Had the electrician out last week. He assumed I had several grandkids living with me as he went from the Christmas room to the Neverland room to the Disney room to the Hobbit room (my den). It was all Deedo. .....and I have to say, Deedo must have been quite the kid at heart. What energy that must have taken to create such wonderful rooms.

Kubler Ross defined the 5 stages of grief. Before she died, I read that she regretted it became so etched in stone as she discovered so many other phases to it. One was anxiety and fear and you don't read much about that unless you seek it out (which I have). I also don't know if acceptance is truly possible in our hearts. Yes, we accept they are gone, but the stages as defined make it sound like we achieve a freedom from the pain and i know that will never be true for me. I think we each have our own stages, many shared, but also some unique. I've pretty much thrown out the 5 stages because they also make people around us think we will progress them them in an orderly fashion and once we reach acceptance, it will magically be over. We will be just dandy. What do I know at 13 months? How do I know how I will feel in 2, 5 or more years? I don't know but I DO know that losing someone that was in my life for 39 years will remain an impact I will carry forever. I think about when I lost my mother in 1990 and the years it took to adjust. I think about and love her still, but it is so different. A definite bond, but not one like I chose to be my life mate. Every loss has its own pain. All are intense. But this one is the one that will forever change me in every way.

My cousins wife once told me after he died that the world went from color to shades of gray. After a year or so she said she began seeing pastels, but nothing like it was. I had forgotten that til it happened to me. Of course I see actual color, but my take on living is very dull and without those beautiful sharp colors. It's been the most accurate way I can describe it to people. Do you like the red or the blue dress better? I dunno, they look the same to me. Ah, look at the beautiful sunset....isn't it grand? Eh. Looks like any other now and a prelude to darkness. It's so hard not taking pleasure in much of anything. I keep hearing over and over it will come back, but changed. At this point I will take anything. Sometimes I feel I am cloaked in an invisible shroud I cannot shed. I hate it. Can't get out of it. People don't see it because they will say I look like I am doing OK. And that is another thing I tire of hearing as it keeps reminding me of how different I am now. scba....truer words were never spoke when you said.... What I learned is to integrate ambiguity in my life. Acceptance, no. Learning to cope, sometimes. Blurred judgment, a lot.

I don't know what it is, Margaret, but yes, I feel that way sometimes. My body has never felt so unfamiliar and my health problems are extremely magnified now. It's doubly scary because I am alone now. No backup like our partners if there was an emergency. As for getting rid of things, the first thing I did was rid this house of all medical supplies related to the cancer. One afternoon I loaded all of Steve's clothes except a few things I had to keep for myself for memories and donated them. His musical instruments went to the people he willed them to. I got the idea of giving away his grill and was wisely advised to wait by my counsellor. I was still in shock mode even tho it had been months and she was right. It's big and the space it would have left would have made things worse. I'll never use it, but it is not time. Same for his van. I have to put it into perspective. If I can't put away his placemat, how would I deal with a large vehicle gone? Our house has 2 rooms that are not used now, his office and bathroom. But I have to walk thru his office for access to the backyard. I feel strange every time I change the bed. So many changes when they leave us. Fir me, he may not be here anymore, but we built this together and being anywhere else would make me feel even more separate from him. I hope that for all of you finding new places, it is the healing you need. I truly marvel at each of our survival skills while we are so beaten down with grief.

Janka, I still have cards, notes and other things Steve wrote. I will treasure them always. What I will miss is there not being anymore. And that I can't do the same for him. I'm glad you have found something that keeps Jan close to you.

Margaret, I can't drink either like I did (medications and such), but I do have some wine before bed. It is the only time of day I usually feel relaxed unless the depressive aspect hits. Probably a good thing as so many turn to that and the trouble it can add. But I still think about that bottle of Jack Daniels in my cupboard. ?

Maryanne, I don't care what the world or the legal side of things think. I feel in my heart I am still married to Steve and always will be. This ring is never coming off my finger. Steve also told me he would not make it without me. I thought he would, or at least better than I am doing, but now that it's happened, I have no idea how he would grapple with this once only imagined pain. Until is real, we have no idea of what it would entail. I am also tired of being told he wouldn't want me sad. Of course he wouldn't. But he knew what loss can do and you don't just decide not to feel the emptiness it creates. I have found trying to seek comfort from anyone that has not been here futile so I don't. I don't hide it and tell them how I feel and let them do what they will with it. The only I have done is tell people to NOT give me suggestions of what to do. That I have to figure out for myself. Taking up some of the well meaning but ridiculous ideas was just making me angry. As for being strong? Yeah, I was for e very long time to get Steve thru his battle and learn to do things he did when he left. Now I am depleted. It's my turn to feel beaten down and also my right. I gave everything I could and need some down time. Grief and what led up to it is/was exhausting work. I make no excuses or apologies to anyone for where I am.

How to do this is just what you did. I'm sorry you have to here like the rest of us. Whatever you want to share, we will listen to. I think you will find many will echo your experience and definitely your pain. We've all seen so many facets of death. None are pretty and there is always doubt. What could we have done differently. I don't know how long since your loss, but doubt is a phase and one that can really strangle you. We all lost our loves and keep reminding each other we did the best we could. We often forget that illness has its own agenda. That we didn't have control. That is hard to accept. As Margaret says, guilt is normal and in my opinion, useless. It stands in the way of what we did do. That is often what we forget as caregivers. How w per did give our all and the disease won anyway. It's a hard path, but you are with others that truly get it.

There was a time I was an elf about the holidays. We would go all out with the tree and lights and many other things. We eventually trimmed that down to the perfect thanksgiving and Christmas for us. Now that Steve is gone and I have been using the TV for background noise I am being deluged with either the Norman Rockwell images or the messages to buy, buy, buy. I try my best to tune them out but they have rekindled a few things I didn't think about. One being I will never get or give Steve another card for any occasion. Presents were fun, but we had a thing about cards sometimes altering them to fit a joke or silly poem. Even buying ones from to dogs to 'mom and dad'. I'll never see his handwriting again. Those little things become enormous when we lose them. We also spent them alone having no close family and friends got tedious with all the activity. So what was once a tradition and very perfect ones for us is now tremendous voids coming. Our birthdays were in there too so that meant a dinner out that was special. They are both in November so we just did one to combine them. i have had to think about this as it is all around me. Ugh, stores and displays that never bothered me before even tho we had so simplified things. It was a time set aside to really just hang out together and memories of the past were nice of how we enjoyed them from doing it all and how we trimmed things down just for us. I know a couple of people that never celebrated the holidays and now I wish that had been the case for me. It's what all the talk is about. Plans I hear all around me. Now and then someone asks me forgetting I am alone now. Yes, I have the memories and maybe someday that will be tolerable. But now they are like salt in the wound. No one understands why I don't want to go anywhere. But being around happy people just makes cry because I cannot feel that. It's an alien emotion to me right now. Writing stuff out is amazing because after the above I see it was the time we spent in our way that was so special. We had downgraded to a 2 foot tree and 1 present each. It was us and the furry kids. No muss, no fuss. Thanksgiving Steve did a turkey, but Christmas was a take and bake pizza. It was candlelight on both nights, especially Christmas Eve. It was so simple. It was....ours. Memories are not going to be welcome yet. So the dilemma is survival yet again. I don't hate the holidays. I just don't fit anymore.

Reading this made me cry. I know the feeling of having to maintain control in front of other people. For whatever reason, it can make them uncomfortable, they think the passage if time has been pushed or they cannot relate. One thing that keeps coming up in my counseling is that I, too, want more than anything to be with Steve. So that of course would mean dying myself. I can't do that and hope I never feel I can. I have 2 dogs as well that live happy lives. I wish I could share in that with them. Right now I do everything for them, but even they cannot stop the pain. Their gift is loving me despite my sadness. I don't know what I would do without this place and everyone here. It's hard when you live, breathe and eat grief. It's hard to know so many others are suffering too. But to now in the depths of night I am not the only one struggling to find reason sync meaning to live helps. That sounds awful to say because it so saddens me that anyone is feeling this.

I understand, Maryanne. I have 6 events to get thru from the end if October thru January. Holidays, birthdays, wedding anniversary and the anniversary of Steve's death. I've gotten thru 2, thus next week should wipe out 2 more. Glad you found a therapist. I really depend on my grief counsellor. It's so very hard having to wade thru these occasions alone.

Debi, you are right. At least we are all in contact. Since I found this place, I don't know what I would do without it, even at the times it makes me sadder. Just to know we are not alone is so validating. Of course while I have come to appreciate you all, had we never met would mean so much less suffering for everyone. But life does end. To be able to share that with others that truly understand is invaluable. I say hugs all around.

Ok, so first you are smug and then you have to rub THAT in? Humph. Cruel, Brad, very cruel.

Debi, I don't know what else I could add to all the caring and wisdom about information from a doctor or from a nurse. I would definitely not take a nurses diagnosis over the physician. As this was the big decision, I believe you listened to the right people. Doctors want to save people. It's in their oath. There was no reason to mislead you. Well intentioned as this nurse might have been (which I am having a hard time seeing telling a teenager what she did), I feel she was wrong as your son was dealing with so much no child should have to so soon. I know you can't un hear it now. That will be the hard thing added to your already painful grief. You loved Max. You would have done anything for him. Maybe take some time and reaffirm that for yourself? You don't need to be dragging a doubt like a heavy rock. I hope you can free yourself from that and leave it on the side of the road. It's a hard enough road as it is.

> One last thought - If you all would have Mac OS there wouldn't be the consternation over Windows - Windows has always been a pretend wannabe to Apple since the beginning. so tell me, Brad, why did so many Mac users buy Windows for Mac?

Kay, I can only echo what everyone else has said. So sorry this happened to you and the courage to express it. That was by far a most cruel thing to do to someone vulnerable. That people can value money above a human being is something I will never understand and hope not to. It's sad we have to learn to protect ourselves from such vermin. You have a good heart, so even if you had to go through this, hold onto that. It is something precious in this big world.

I can plug in my digital camera to the computer and pictures magically appear. Does that count? Of course I haven't really figured out how to do anything with them. Must be a blonde thing too. That or the fact I haven't the patience or motivation to do anything fancy. Just give me email and a web explorer and I am happy.

Kay, I got conned by a guy who professed to care about Steve like a brother. The details are not important, but it amazes me that people can be so heartless. I have not spoken to him since and never will. We are vulnerable in the shock phase and that I trusted him says more about him than me. He has to live with himself. The sad part is people like that can. Brad, that old saying keeps coming to mind about grief rewriting your address book. Deedo was there for people and they in return did not reciprocate. I have a list of them. But there are others that have come thru I had doubts about. I take what is given with heartfelt gratitude and try not to think of so much that was said after his death that has vanished into the wind. As time pass we find who will treats tsp road with us and who says the 'right things' but are if no action. Not that I required them to do anything, but I did winder why they bothered except maybe feeling it was expected. My appreciation now is of the people that honestly admit they cannot even imagine what I am going thru. Yet, they are there with a hug. It did break my heart for a long time when people disappeared. I wasted a lot of energy on that instead of tending to my broken heart. The way I see it is when we lost our partners we did become vulnerable. Part of learning to live on without them is protecting ourselves now without their help. It's a tough thing to do. I know that is why my computer hit hacked for example. Steve would have saw it coming. I trusted the wrong people. It's eye opening how we depended on that 2nd pair of eyes or gut feeling. I know I did the same for Steve in some circumstances and he was grateful to be saved from something I saw he didn't. So we grieve and we learn. Learning is good, but in this circumstance, it renews the pain. What a Catch 22.

One last thought - If you all would have Mac OS there wouldn't be the consternation over Windows - Windows has always been a pretend wannabe to Apple since the beginning. OK Brad....now you sound just like all the other Mac users I know. Smug little bunch, aren't ya? ?

I'm reading all these posts about cars and of course the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday and feeling what so many are. I still have Steve's van and run it weekly so the battery doesn't die. Think I have actually driven maybe 3 times since he died. I am not ready to give it up. I get zinged every time I come home seeing it, but I know a totally empty spot would be worse. I've lost so much of him already in so many ways. As for Thansgiving, we always spent that alone as we have no children or family that is close or still living. It was our favorite holiday as we just hung out here with the digs and he cooked the turkey. That was his job and he took it seriously. Last year some friends invited me over, but their traditions did not fit what I was used to for years. This year I will be on my own again. I'm very much in a raw emotional place so the thought of socializing (a friend offered an invitation) does not appeal. I also haven't the energy to fake it on something like this. So it will be the dogs and me. My birthday is the day before so when TDay is over that will be 4 of 6 hard dates to get thru this time of year. The first was the one year anniversary and his birthday a couple weeks ago. That leaves Christmas and our wedding anniversary in January. I wish there was better spacing because I barely get a chance to recover from one when another hits. But then, thinking of all those spread over the year doesn't appeal either. My wish would be this wasn't happening at all and life is what it was. But I don't think Santa or anyone has a bag that big to bring it. I know those of you with family will struggle thru this. But I hope having them gives you a little peace.

Kay, going to hang onto Windows 7 as long as possible. Hopefully by then they will have replaced 10 with something people like. ?