Gwenivere

When I think back on the talks of what each if us would do if we lost the other, another person never even came up. We both felt that we would hang in there for the dogs and after that.....I dunno. Wait for our own time I guess. It's like we knew there wasn't anyone else for either of us. It just wasn't an issue. Now....the being happy we did discuss and we both agreed neither of us could really be that. That is another thing I miss. We knew each other so well that thinking of that being possible alone was NOT possible. I know that is why he felt so bad he had to leave. He knew I would survive, but would never feel that kind of happiness again. I'm just satisfied at this point if I smile or get a small laugh when I see something. But out and out innocent happiness? Nope. Not going to happen without him. I'll adapt. I don't want to be 'Debby Downer' (a character from SNL) the rest of my life and I can pull off a pretty good demeanor when needed. That gives me some hope. I would be a crappy volunteer at the nursing home without it. They depend on us to bring some life and smiles into a place they have to call home.

I posted this in Shock and Awe, but think it belongs here. It was in response to people that tell us we may fund someone else... I've been fortunate as only one person has mentioned finding someone else. That someday it could happen and I shouldn't rule that out. There are some things you know in your heart. They 'say' never say never, but here is what fixers forget...that maybe we don't want a new partner. Many of us had that someone that anyone else would only be someone we would be comparing them to. I know that is how it would be for me. I spent my life with the man I entrusted my deepest and darkest secrets with. He with me. Things I could never share even with the best of friends I had. Things I would never tell a counsellor despite the confidentiality clause. My mother remarried, but I know from talking with her that her marriage to my dad did not have the depth mine did. I don't judge her for that one bit. She didn't get that in her 2nd either. I had the greatest gift of having that and, for me, I know once you have, nothing or no one can recreate it. It's a once in a lifetime deal. It took decades together to become the partners we did. The history shared. I don't want to do that again nor could I. Of course I crave companionship like any human and will have that with people along the way til I am gone. But I gave my heart to someone already. He still has it and always will. I can't give to someone something I longer possess. I have Steve's and protect it fiercely. To give what has become my heart would be giving him away.

I've been fortunate as only one person has mentioned finding someone else. That someday it could happen and I shouldn't rule that out. There are some things you know in your heart. They 'say' never say never, but here is what fixers forget...that maybe we don't want a new partner. Many of us had that someone that anyone else would only be someone we would be comparing them to. I know that is how it would be for me. I spent my life with the man I entrusted my deepest and darkest secrets with. He with me. Things I could never share even with the best of friends I had. Things I would never tell a counsellor despite the confidentiality clause. My mother remarried, but I know from talking with her that her marriage to my dad did not have the depth mine did. I don't judge her for that one bit. She didn't get that in her 2nd either. I had the greatest gift of having that and, for me, I know once you have, nothing or no one can recreate it. It's a once in a lifetime deal. It took decades together to become the partners we did. The history shared. I don't want to do that again nor could I. Of course I crave companionship like any human and will have that with people along the way til I am gone. But I gave my heart to someone already. He still has it and always will. I can't give to someone something I longer possess. I have Steve's and protect it fiercely. To give what has become my heart would be giving him away.

I hope you are OK after the fall, Kay. I know that is one thing I fear the most being alone. Not that I ever took getting injured for granted, but in the back of my mind I knew there was someone who could help me. Glad you have your neighbor.

Brad, you nailed it. Being joined at the hip and we were also fiercely independent people. Did we sacrifice that independence when we committed to our spouses? I don't think so. I think we stored it away some where because we didn't need it when we found them. We found a way to stay that way WITH someone. So now, when we need it back, it's stored and I don't know where. Maybe I don't want to. I want that shared strength together. Maybe that is my fear. That moving forward might require letting go of too much of the past. People have mentioned going to places and having to leave because of memories. I know that feeling and it happened today because I saw a silly soap holder I had bought Steve. I walked thru the Christmas decorations and knew that time of magic was now gone. I didn't have to flee the store but cried all the way home. I now notice how our perfectly sized home for us has become huge. Rooms now not used because they were his office, bathroom, studio. I know he would want me to be happy, but I also know that's a very tall order on your own. I hate feeling that closeness slipping away as the time passes. Kay, I am trying to avoid Windows 10. Does anyone like that operating system? Not that I have heard. Hang in there!

I just passed the year anniversary of Steve's death. I spent the last year partially in shock to attend to the legal things, faced a couple of health crisis and learned to handle the things we shared taking care of our home. Now that is done and I find myself in another strange land with no buffers or distractions from the intensity of raw reality I am truly alone. I don't even know if I can explain it because my mind is even more jumbled than it was, which is making it harder. I see how I changed my days and nights to 'adapt', but that it all it is. It's not a lifestyle or routine, it's just survival on an emotional level now. I have become acutely aware of his absence. How I haven't seen nor heard him for so long now. The memories are like ghosts that follow me everywhere. I can't shake them with distraction as I did even if it was for a very little while. Sometimes it even feels he was an illusion or dream. His physical presence is slipping away. I never thought about if that would be a good or bad thing. I don't know what it is but unsettling. I never felt I had to push myself out of the house, but I do now. I want to curl up and find this was indeed a dream. But I know that is not healthy for me and could lead to becoming more withdrawn. An analogy my fiction gave me is really accurate about the energy stress takes- he said we get a debit card every day and to spend it wisely as when depleted, you are done for the day. I am finding that very true. My computer was hacked last week and after having it wiped clean and the back ups reinstalled it isn't what it was. I have been totally flipped out over it because Steve customized it for me being a simple soul regarding technology. My brother in law is attempting to get it operational, but to me it is another loss. He can't recreate what Steve did. It sounds silly, but it took away another part of him. Even the getting hacked would have never happened had he been here because I would have called him to look at it and he would have blocked it. So it seems everywhere I turn there are new places for him to be missing. I get used and another pops up. The kicker is, I never wanted to lose any of them and as time passes, I have no choice. I have to let him go or isolate in wishes that can't come true. I didn't think it could get worse, but I was wrong. It just shifts how it lays in wait like a predator.

We never forget the date every month it seems. I am approaching 13 months and I know no matter what will be happening that day, it will be on my mind. I know that everyday still is burning energy in the grief. I get thru the days, but I have never been so fatigued by things that were once maybe frustrating, but they take so much more concentration now. I feel like my day is like a debit card with an energy limit. I have to be aware of how I spend it as it will run out til tomorrow.

Debi, that is so true and sometimes it takes someone else to bring it to light as you did with our post. Steve did get to spend the rest of his life with me. He got his wish. I have to keep going into time til mine ends, but alone. When I think of him, I see him in my minds eye in his prime. He was 62 when he died, but I see him as about 40. Don't know why. I do know I never want to envision him as he was the last few years of his life when he was ravaged by disease. But his personality was still strong and those last years I miss his really enjoying the now knowing it was running out. He did so many things to stay as happy as he could and make it that way for those around him. If only I could do that, but I can't right now. I have moments of engagement with the world, but most of the time I don't fit anymore. I stay in touch with people, but I have so little to give. That is the part of me that left with him. I'm told it will come back, but not the same as we are all finding out. Never in a million years could I have imagined this.

Brad, you are not alone when it comes to having things flair up and have even small things making us feel like we can't take care of ourselves. Humbling to me because of all I did I never thought I could for Steve. It's hard to be alone with illness. It so intensifies how we always helped each other. You are fighting some big battles. I can get stomach pains and I get freaked out it is some devastating illness now. We get deleted for battles. NN did give some excellent advice. You are taking care of yourself, so don't forget that. It's just so much more intensified now. Another reminder of the grief. Seems everything revolves around that for us now. I can't think of anything I do that requires energy without knowing that is sapping what little I have. As someone once posted, that we get done anything in a day is a triumph. Keep taking good care of yourself. Deedo would want that for you.

I think it is hard for any of us for a very long time to hear about other people's lives and they things they are doing that are fun and have meaning for them. I still get angry and jealous at times. But I also realize I did the same because it wasn't my life that was derailed when someone lost someone dear to them. It's a totally normal reaction. As for wanting your life back, we all do and the harsh truth is we can't and what we have now is our life. To me that is the hardest part of this struggle. But, again, totally normal. I wish I had some insights that could ease the pain for you, but there really are none. I hate this change, but I have to live it. So I cry and scream a lot. It has to come out. the very fact you could write the above post shows you still have life in you. It may be all you do for the day, but sometimes it is enough. To see we are fighting to survive even if we don't see it.

You so perfectly said how I feel about Steve. I now do the things he did in the yard or other tasks we split. I miss that we shared these things and complimented each other in caring for our home we made. I've done some of the outside work and while gratifying at the moment, it would vanish once my mind put it together that I was doing his job. How he liked doing that for the dogs and me. He took care of me too and loved doing that and I did for him. We knew we were independent competent people so it was not a needy thing, it was because we wanted to. I also knew very shortly after I met him that he was the one. It took several years before we made that commitment. I actually thought it would never happen as we were such free spirits. When he did ask to marry I thought it was a joke. Actually, he didn't ask, he said we might should since neither of us were going anywhere without the other. When he got sick he really went out if his way to tell me daily what I meant to him knowing he would not be able to do that for long. I sometimes think it made this harder to lose him. I knew he loved me as a soulmate, but to hear it and feel it when he cried feeling like he was abandoning me is now etched in my heart forever. There are days I almost wish I hadn't met him, but that is only because the pain is too much. My life was sculpted by all we did, good and bad. I don't even want to know who I would have been had he not been in my life.

Both Steve and I experienced a lot of death with family and friends. We thought those were the worst of times. I am glad he was spared this path, but it really does change your view of death. This was someone we intertwined with daily. Others were important, but not a 24/7 relationship. I can't count how many times I have bailed on a TV show or movie because it hit too close to home. I do not watch the news for that reason. There is nothing I can do and it is heartbreaking knowing others have started down this path. I like your Eeyore quote. It is most fitting. I had no idea your loss was 5 years ago. Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings.

Wow Kevin! I had forgotten about that song. What a great tune! 1971 no less. Thanks for sharing that.

Hi November Blues. I am about 13 months into this and have a long way to go. I was especially struck by your name because November is both my and my husbands birthdays, Thanksgiving leading into Christmas and our anniversary is in January. He died October 29th of last year. The bunching of significant dates couldn't be worse. You expressed the firsts so well. We are all competent people, but sharing what we did in life was the magic of our partnerships. It is very hard to become a ME instead of a WE because none of us wanted to. I'm happy for you that you have family close to you to be with. I haven't that so I will live on in this home we once shared. There are many who do not understand what we are going thru, but thankfully this place is here where we can see we are not alone as it feels that way so much of the time. At first I was dismayed that after 3 years you still have the harsh (?) reactions to the grief and then I thought....but of course! This will change, ebb and flow, but losing someone one loves so much will stay with us deeply always. Not that I expected some magical transformation. I think it is accepting the reality that things are forever changed to this 'new normal' (I don't get that term either because normal will never apply) is the best we can hope for. Thank you for sharing a glimpse into further down the road.

Living in places built in forests is always a challenge, Kay. Even in snow I have to venture out and see his far I can get because I had feeling trapped. You said the dreaded S word....snow!

Well, darn. Maybe if I type it in myself.....otherwise.....sorry for the pile up of posts.... "When the unthinkable happens and grief enters a life, the person is forever forcibly evicted from the world which they have known and are left to wander a landscape that may seem as foreign as the moon"

Oops, thought the quote copied....trying again...

Someone I know passed this to me. Said it was for those of us in this horrible place.

It's amazing how differently we all approach this. I don't carry anything of Steve's with me when I am out. I know it would do to me what it does to you. Damn grief is right! I feel like I picked up a hitchhiker and new roommate I can't get rid of.

I live in Seattle which is notoriously dark and gloomy from October to about April. I never adapted to it being from New Mexico even tho it has been 30 years now. But I am now more sensitive to the lack of light just coming off a gorgeous summer which helped with the grief. It's hard to be in the house mid day with lights on. I look outside at the drizzle and dread doing the errands for the day. I prefer night when the darkness makes sense. We are so vulnerable to everything around us now. I dread the phone ringing wondering if it will be some organization looking for Steve and again I have to say he is deceased. Or a well meaning person to see how I am when I may be not thinking of it right then and get pulled into that. Grief complicates everything and I feel like I am in alert mode all the time. So as I look out the window at another drizzly, windy day knowing I have to go out there, it's a push to do so. Sunlight doesn't cure grief, but it helps our brains in other ways. It's like the bad weather blows me around like the emotions so there is no respite. A double whammy. Maybe it is because I crave some warmth and comfort more so than ever at this time.

This is by LeAnne Rimes. Some people are talented than me at finding the words. How do I Get through one night without you? If I had to live without you What kind of life would that be? Oh now I need you in my arms need you to hold You're my world my heart my soul If you ever leave Baby you would take away everything good in my life. Without you There'd be no sun in my sky There would be no love in my life There'd be no world left for me. And I Baby I don't know what I would do, I'd be lost if I lost you, If you ever leave, Baby you would take away everything real in my life, And tell me now, How do I live without you? I want to know, How do I breathe without you? If you ever go, How do I ever, ever survive? How do I, how do I, oh how do I live? If you ever leave, Baby you would take away everything, I need you with me, Baby 'cause you know that you're everything, Good in my life. And tell me now, How do I live without you, I want to know, How do I breathe without you? If you ever go, How do I ever, ever survive? How do I, how do I, oh how do I live? How do I live, without you baby

There is a song I heard a very long time ago and the lyrics jumped into my head. I always liked the song, but thinking on them now takes on a new meaning. It's called No One Is To Blame by Howard Jones. I know it can't be explained to anyone who hasn't experienced this, but for me it does put into words how things change and empty life can feel the one we love is taken from us. You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat You can feel the cushion, but you can't have a seatYou can dip your foot in the pool, but you can't have a swimYou can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the sinAnd you want her, and she wants youWe want everyoneAnd you want her and she wants youNo one, no one, no one ever is to blameYou can build a mansion, but you just can't live in itYou're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to winSome break the rules, and let you cut the costThe insecurity is the thing that won't get lostYou can see the summit but you can't reach it. It's the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fitDoctor says you're cured but you still feel the painAspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain

Margaret, I, too, have learned the big distinction between sympathy and empathy. What Is so sad is what that knowledge costs. One of my biggest hopes is now that I know, I can share more deeply with others losses so something good comes from this harsh lesson. I have heard it said that grief rewrites your address book send I sure found that out. You can tell those who getting and those that only think they do. It's sad they will someday know and sometimes I want to tell them what they are spared right now. But there is no reason to. Many I know have thought about what they would feel seeing what happened to me. That is enough to have to think about and it has helped some to start treasuring the partners now and not take day of their time for granted. Perhaps it is a small gift we can give them so they enjoy each other with a renewed appreciation.

Brad, I love what you said about what works today may not tomorrow. I know that throws me all the time. One day things seem almost tolerable and the next day whatever it was has vanished. I don't know about you or anyone else besides the waking and coming home being a hard time, but there are certain parts of my day I can count on being tough. The days they ease I never trust because I have found the next day I can be right back to intensity. I think that is what makes this so much harder. We just can't count on anything to be consistent besides being vulnerable to the pain. So I relish them when they happen and remind myself that it is temporary. I haven't the spare energy to keep getting frustrated by it. It's a weird kind of acceptance. Happily ever after. For so long Steve and I lived that way. Treasuring the time we had as we got older together. So much embracing if the 'now' as we learned that is all we really have. It helped get us thru the disease when it would wane enough to do something enjoyable. Does anyone get a happily ever after? Because we do have to die, someone will be left behind. But you are also right...we can't forget that for a time, we did have the best thing that can happen to anyone. Love.

The topic of this thread couldn't be more accurate. The very first thought that I wake with is another day to get thru. Then starts the process of how and what I can do to move thru time that now passes so slowly. Some days I have places to go, but even then it's hard because the pain in my constant companion and ultimately I have to come home to the empty house. There are some things I am getting used to like eating alone, but then something else will take its place. I guess it is waiting til all the hiding places are exhausted except in our hearts. And I HATE grief attacks! They are sneaky and can hit whenever they please. I hear about people making time each day to deal with their pain, but that doesn't work for me. I hate being at the mercy of them as I've lost so much control over so much. I am sure it is something I see or unconsciously think that triggers them, but not knowing what that is makes it even more infuriating. Then I am left as this crushed mass wishing, yet again, he would just come home and stop this madness. Then the cycle begins again begins again because he can't. I never thought I would see the day our love for each other could possibly include the word torture in its definition. The best thing that ever happened to me is now the worst. This is one of those days I can't see any light in memories or past happy times. Just have to get thru it.