Gwenivere

Thanks, Kay. I am taking your former advice of ignoring the whole Facebook crap. Just ignore it. I did for years. Steve only used his to announce things his charitable foundation set up to announce music gigs. As those are not happening, his fellow members let it die, another painful thing, it's not worth what little energy I have. It was being reminded that threw me because I forgot about it. I need to do that again. I'm learning. The pace only brings pain. Pain is not good. Having experienced the pain, do not do it again. As they say, insanity is going the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

Wolfskat, Before Steve died I was told how strong I was. It was love that brought that strength. I don't hear that anymore because to those on the outside it has been over a year so surely I am doing better. I don't fight perceptions anymore. Takes too much energy. The very very few people I talk to and when I come here are the only ones that know the hell this continues to be. Even more so as time passes and it is longer since I have had any human contact with him. People seem to think this is all mental and forget that losing physical contact with our partners is devastating. They cannot fathom not having someone to hug or hug them back. Waking up alone in their beds. No one brush your brow when you feel sick. No one to hold your hand be it for a walk or going someplace you are nervous about. So I know most of the time when I am out in the world, people see someone that looks 'fine'. So be it. The last thing I want to do is tell my woes to another person who won't get it anyway. The hardest is when people forget and ask what I did for this or that holiday and I say....nothing. Who would I do it with? After thanksgiving I told people where I volunteer at don't even ask when I walked in. They looked shocked and then I think it registered. People are well meaning and want to help, but they don't know how. I try and save them from tripping over themselves and angering me with their pity and suggestions. Ugh, suggestions. That is another reason I don't bring up the coming holidays because I can't take anymore people who think this can be soothed with a bandaid idea. Have you thought or doing this or that? Yeah, I have thought of them all, thank you very much. It really compromises interaction when you can't talk like they do because they haven't lost anything. Now I truly understand being lonely in a crowd.

Good question, bluelady, about how to get thru another holiday. I feel the same. This is actually my 2nd, but last year was shock mode so I couldn't really feel anything. This year I do because I hear people making their plans, happy, excited...all those things I used to feel. Not feeling them is another reminder of how much life has changed. I wish I could approach it like every day I do now. But I know that is impossible. I know I won't be socializing with anyone because we stopped doing that years ago and have no family and friends stopped parties as they had kids and moved into other social circles. Steve and I always spent the day alone with our dogs. That was enough. But this time, wow, I just don't know. No place to go to escape it either. Crawling into a hole, meaning it will be a day I am utterly alone as friends all have their families, is probably what mine will be. We never did much, but now what we did seems so special and lost. I'll have my dogs and a Kleenex box. Best I can do.

Grief is an insanity. I don't know how many articles I read and passed everything past my grief counselor to keep reassuring myself that what felt so terribly horrible was normal. I came to hate the word normal. How can this be normal? It is because we have never ever felt anything like it and try to make sense if something we cannot. We intertwined our life with someone, became a part if each other and now we are alone. We are powerless and that, to me, is the most devastating part. We can't change it, we can't undo it, we can't make it a livable state. We are at the mercy of loving someone and having them ripped away. Every time I sleep I dread waking up to this truth. That the love of my life is dead. I will never see him again in my life. When I get frustrated and crippled with grief, I remind myself that this was not like losing my car, my home, even one of my dogs that I love dearly. This was the man who completed my life. Then it makes sense to me why I feel crazy, why nothing has no meaning right now, why everything I do takes supreme effort including showers, eating and the worst....sleep. There are times I literally cannot breathe without him. I remind myself was there ever another time in my life I would have considered commitment, killing myself or just hoping I would never wake up? I've had losses before with my parents and friends. But nothing, NOTHING, has changed me as much as this has. It us the biggest loss I will ever face. There is no sense in even trying to talk to someone who has not experienced this. No one gets it unless they are there. And that can make the loneliness sheer hell. As everyone has said here.....this is a place where everyone does understand. And that keeps me going every day now. I know, no matter what, it is safe to say anything I feel. I hope you find it helps you too. Just knowing we are not alone is a bit of light in the dark.

Like you, Brad, I have been flooded with questions since this happened. From why us to where is he now? I know there will never be answers to them I will find. Everything is speculation or faith for some people. Maryanne, I truly empathize with you on your heartbreak. One of the biggies I have been feeling is the lack of physical contact for so long. I would so love to run my hands thru his hair and look into those eyes again. To have a hug again in those arms. i think about how I voluntarily changed my life to our life. Lived that way for so long that getting my life returned is so hard. Of course we remained individuals, but it was so much more enhance and vibrant being together. When that is ripped away, prepared or not, we are so unprepared for what that means. Yes, we were 'blessed' we had them. The cost of losing them is so high. Three are times I wish I never had met him. But that is just because I so want the pain to ease up. I have yet gotten to a point that when I am alone I can think of him without deep sadness. Even the good memories bring no comfort yet. I can talk to people about us, but it is very detached. I know the thing wrestle with is knowing there us no end to this pain. Everything else in my life I have lost resolved itself over time. This one will not. That is about as close to acceptance I can get. It may change to not bring 24/7, but it will never leave me. Even when I can find some joy in memories, they will always come with a rider. That they are all I have. It's all the past now. Any future is mine alone and that was truly not prepared for or could be.

Good advice, Kay. Thank you. I ignored it before. Guess it just got my attention because of the birthday activity which normally he would have fielded.

Hollowheart and Kay, I do have a Facebook account. Steve set that up for me when he set up his. We found we weren't that kind of social media people. Anyway, I can simply the anguish about it by just shutting down mine and I won't have access to FB anymore. You are right, the emotional energy it would take for such a small thing in the grand scheme isn't worth it. If I had his password, I would do it. But dragging out all the death paperwork? Like I need to add another death chore? Nope.

Oh, and when things come up regarding Steve....they are stupid things like Facebook. Why he set up accounts is beyond me as he hated it but never closed it. So I got notifications on his birthday of all these posts. It was extraordinarily painful to see things he never would and beyond me why anyone posted them. I guess I am old fashioned because these are people my age and have my email address, yet for some reason felt....I dunno what. It hurt because reaching out to me personally would have meant something. They have time to fritter away on Facebook, but none for the person it would mean something to. Hmmmm, guess this long time loneliness has some anger in there too. Now I am faced with another 'death' task and that is shutting the account down which means dragging out that dreaded death certificate, power of attorney and whatever else they want. I need things to do, but further erasing him was not on the list.

I'm going to stick my neck out here too and it might seem disparaging to some. I just passed 13 months and feel worse than ever. I am factoring in birthdays and holidays, but something changed at a year. The 'magical milestone' myth was a biggie as that it what society expects. I have entered a stagnation phase. Everyday blurs into the next of the harsh reality Steve is truly gone. Nothing around me has any meaning anymore. The year I spent finding I could pretty much run the house myself is behind me. I can, but it adds to the loneliness. I do activities outside the house to come home to the silence that has replaced him. My logical mind says I should be used to this. My heart has a totally different view. So many motivations to do little things like cook/eat are because I have to. Caring for this house takes so little time because it is only the dogs that shed and muck up the floors. Shopping is so changed because of what is needed. The list goes on and on. After 37 years I wake every day seeing I need to redefine my life. My WHOLE life. That is no small or easy task. I don't like all this 'free time'. I miss being part of a partnership that was living life, making plans, needing errands run, basically full because that is what happens in a marriage/partnership. And when those free moments came, we relaxed in them together sharing meals, TV, a movie, whatever. It was liked I sailed thru the first year putting out fires. Oh yes, there were many nights sobbing. Now I don't know what to do. I'm in a fog and rarely cry longer than a few minutes and I don't know why it vanishes as the pain is more intense. Waking up is the absolute worst. So, in all this rambling, what I have found is that I keep going missing a loving touch, his voice, his laughter, his ideas, telling him mine, sharing opinions, arguments....the whole meal deal. I look all around me and everything looks the same, but I might as well be on Mars for how it feels as far as comforting and my life as I knew it. When he left, I did too. This me that is left behind hasn't a clue why she is here anymore.

I recently saw Good Will Hunting again and a scene really struck me. Robin Williams was telling Matt Damon how he (Damon) didn't understand love. That looking for perfection was useless as no one is perfect. When we fall in love, we fall in love with the person that is perfect for us.

So true, Hollowheart. If only it worked.

I'm also finding the 2nd year harder. It's disheartening, but also makes sense as there are no more diversions of tasks and a long year of repeatedly waking up alone to a life that will never be the same. Redefining everything is painful and exhausting. I hope to not wake up to the slam he is gone. Hard to go through a day when it starts with a gut punch.

George, half a life is most descriptive. No matter where I turn, something is missing. Anniversaries are hard as those are they days we committed to our partners and celebrated with others who joined in on our happiness. No matter if it was a big ceremony or small. Then every year we got that special day together. I was watching a TV show where a mugger wanted a woman's wedding ring and she absolutely would not give it up. Anything else but that. I wear mine always and will never take it off. I don't know what I am going to do in January when our anniversary comes again. I find I usually numb out on special days and have them hit me later. I dint know why that happens or what is accomplished by it. Must be some kind of survival thing. I do know of the anticipation tho. That is usually worse. I read this and see I offer nothing helpful, but you are certainly not alone in your feelings.

Thanks, Kay, for the reminder that we would surely extend to someone else everything they needed to get thru their sadness, yet we often don't do that for ourselves. The racing mind I hate the most. I find letting it do that wears it down. Others I forget and fight it and therein create more anxiety. I don't even want to think about dementia having watched Steve experience it. I was here to monitor it. Being alone it is a scary thing to think about.

Kay, I noticed I have become extremely sensitive to places changing. I haven't been back to Reno where we were married, but I know the hotel is now gone. We renewed our vows in 1995 and the church is there, but the pastor we loved is not. My neighborhood us cinstsntly changing. So many places we went when it was more homey are now Target, Best Buy, gyms, apartments built on top of storefronts. Definitely not the place we moved into 30 years ago. The changes made me sad as they happened, but especially more so now. It's hard enough Steve not being here much less everything around me changing. Neighbors have changed as so many homes have gone rental. We were the only original people left. Now it is just me. Adds to the loneliness. Life never stays the same, but having someone with you as it flows is so comforting.

Kevin, I, too, had no idea of real grief until I lost Steve. I felt it about family members and friends. But like the people around us, I could not come close to knowing what they were going thru. I see that in the eyes of people I talk to now. Kay, I would never wish this on anyone either just so they understood what I am feeling. I do have a new empathy for all the people I have and still share time with where I volunteer as most are the ones left behind. I thought bring in a place with so many others would soften the blow, but when I now talk to them (being one of the ranks) I see the pain is forever there. If there can be an 'advantage', it is that they are close to leaving this earth thenselves. Many find comfort in that. That they will soon leave this pain behind. I know I feel that way, but odds are I have a much longer wait unless I get sick or in a fatal accident. So we try and keep living. I do by textbook definition. Breathe, eat, sleep. But it is really just existing now. Passing time as best I can without purpose or goals or looking forward to new memories. They are being created by existing, but not being able to share or make them without Steve, they ring hollow. I'm not saying anything new here that we have said. Sometimes you just have to again to remind yourself this is such a huge thing because my mind will try and trip me up saying.....its been over a year now. Haven't you gotten a grip yet? if I didn't need my brain to live, I would really like to wring its neck!

Surreal is a perfect word. I am grateful I have a home, am not destitute and those usual things. But looking for true gratitude is tough. This reminded me to thank all of you and especially Marty for this place. Sometimes I think I spend too much time here, but it is the only place I can really be me except with my counselor. And that is something big to be grateful for. One tiny hitch tho. That any of us have to be here at all. But if we do, the company is fantastic!

I wonder that too, Kay. If our partners 'see' what is still going on. Sometimes I hope they do, others I don't like when we break down and they cannot comfort us. I've had some weird things happen around the house that kinda spook me. But then, I am not exactly thinking with a clear mind these days.

Some places here had me a senior at 55. I'm not fond of the term, but who can fight society? Discounts are always good and I take them. 60 is a milestone for that round number thing. It's kinda mind blowing as I never thought beyond 45 when I was younger just figuring out my age at 2000. It's my body now that is registering the years. And it is doing quite well. Actually, too well.

When I got the call Steve had died, they asked if I wanted to come see him which I declined. The cancer had so devastated his body beyond the man I knew that the thought of seeing it seemed ludicrous. He was finally free and had hated me seeing him alive with all the changes. My goal is to never see him like that in my head again. Fortunately in dreams he is in his prime. All pictures are of him that way as I destroyed all taken during his struggle.

I'm getting very adept at dealing with tasks. But bring up Steve and I have no defenses. Not even from myself when my mind decides to go someplace without my permission. Sneaky little thing. I never know if it going to pick something good or back to the medical nightmare. If only we could choose.

I bought a take and bake pizza. 'Twas a small treat. I'll be happy when Friday gets here. These holiday things are really tough right now. This house will be giving a turkey a pardon. Thank you for all the birthday wishes.

Isn't that the worst? I get so weary of it day after day even tho I know why it is happening. I really want to fast forward thru tomorrow and the holiday talk. I turned down a dinner invite because I can't fake that dinner chit chat stuff. I am taking the dogs over to play with the persons dogs and make an exit. They need some time to be the happy critters they are. I get impatient about the funk, but like you, after 37 years it's impossible to expect any kind of peace in a year. Our lives were built on that relationship. It's what we knew. When it ends all the ways it was a part of us start coming out down to the smallest things. I noticed a trash can in the way that is never used anymore and was going to put it in the garage. Had to put it back. That little empty space became huge. So we fumble our way thru another day. It is knowing now that it will always be lacking that I struggle with. There is no magical end when we are what? Cured? Healed? Whatever people think is supposed to happen at some point so we are as we were. It will never happen. We'll get maybe less funky. I hope so.

Thank you, Janka. I replied to your wishes in the Losing My Beloved Man thread. I left a whiney reply because it's my day and I can be as crotchety as I want to. Officially 60. Never saw that one coming!

Thank you for the birthday wishes, Janka. Feeling very sad today because even tho we didn't make too big a deal about them, this is my 60th and I know it would have been one Steve would have made a bigger fuss about. His 64th was the 9th and he used to always sing to me some of the lyrics asking if I would need and feed him by the Beatles. Tomorrow is a holiday here where families and friends gather and it will be another off day. I just want to skip them both. But I can't. I'll just spend them in my own way. Whatever that will be. Last year was a blur because I was less than a month into this. I don't think I felt anything. It was preferable to this. I miss him so much I can't even describe it. I woke up with him on my mind as always, but it was so much harder getting up as he would have probably would have teased me about my age. It's one of those days I am totally confused about why he is gone. Nothing makes sense. I'm even dreading counseling today because I will have to talk about it and I would rather it be just another lonely day. Those are my norm. Not this added 'special day' crap on top of it. Thank god I can whine here. It's all to happy out there with the holiday tomorrow.