hollowheart

TH, I'm introverted too and I knew I could always ask my dumb, embarrassing questions to my sister and she would answer them or even look up the answer for me. There aren't to many other people I can do that with without them making me feel embarrassed that I don't already know the answer. The comfortable feeling I had with her is something I miss so much. All the future interactions with her is something that is very hard to deal with. Also, just all the general things I see and do and deal with everyday and have no one to relax and unwind with at the end of the day when I used to have that is very hard to deal with too.

In some cases it could be, and I always felt so too. A new job, a new place to live--a clean slate was the order of the day. I hear people say things like "you gotta get back up on that horse" or I see things about how to redefine your life. I loved watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday on Sundays as it was inspirational in how to change your life and "live your best life" as she would say. I felt that used to apply to me. Now, there are no tips or tricks they can offer that can help me re-charge my life. Sure, yes, I COULD, but I feel it just doesn't work now. When I had fully decided to find a job I actually liked, lose weight, seriously work on my book, things like that. That was redefining my life and making self-improvements. It depresses me I can't feel that inspiration to change right now. I just feel depleted.

Kay, I'm giving you a virtual hug! I'm sorry you had to do so many things so soon. You would think you'd be doing it in just some sort of Zombie daze, but that's not always the case. I know cleaning out his trailer was tormenting. Knowing me I would have dumped everything in a box and dealt with it later. I know that would have been hard too. I still can't go into my sisters apartment. I have no idea what I'm going to do when I have to clean it out, I feel like throwing up thinking about it. I think I will just have someone put it all into boxes and put it into storage. She shopped and bought so much stuff. We have thousands of DVD's between us as we are big movie fans. I will keep some of her clothes but can't bring myself to give any of her things away. It feels like I'm losing her doing that. I want to keep everything.

KPI48, I think I would have lost the rest of my mind had I not had this site. Losing my sister also makes me realize how much she really was the main one I talked to everyday. I'd text and chat with a couple of ex-coworkers, but it really was nothing compared to how me and her talked. Losing her really did make me lose my entire social life. And that's even sadder.

Guilt was my major problem after my sister passed. It still is. I know I let her down and it's the major thing I deal with in therapy. She was just laying there almost unconscious, which let her totally dependent on me and I let her down and did nothing. I will never forgive myself. Gin, I hope for better days too. I just put one foot in the other most days. Guilt over a death is excruciating.

Speaking of motivations for "us", this made me think about one of the major things I miss is doing something for someone. That may sound weird for me and my sister, but I liked being out in a store and seeing something she might like. If it was cheap enough or on sale, I'd buy it. Or even if it wasn't and I knew she would want it I'd buy it and give it to her. It was one of the things I loved about Christmas. Now I just feel like: Run Errands. Go Home. Period. There's nothing left. The having nothing to look forward to makes for very long days. Weekends still go by fast, but the days are slow. I used to be trying to hold back the clock and my sister would laugh at me always checking the time. I'm just really hating this life.

Me and my sister would occasionally text each other at work. She worked at a school at got off at 3pm, so I'd start texting her then too. She'd text me early in the morning before she went to work sometimes. We were in each others days all day pretty much, so it wasn't just at one time of the day I talked to her. Not having that feels so empty and alone. As someone mentioned here before, there are a million little things each day you do or see where you want to mention it to your go-to person. No one to laugh over something with, joke with. Just nothing. I watch my TV shows and no one to discuss the show with, the characters, what they did. Just nothing. That is a hard adjustment. I talk to myself sometimes. It's just sad and lonely.

I almost went into medical transcription and billing and coding. I was only going to do billing and coding because I took some med terminology courses in colleges (preparing for it) and I enjoyed them a lot, I picked up the codes fast, believe it or not. But when I talked to people online no one had anything good to say about the job outlook and people only wanted to hire experienced coders. I scared myself out of doing it, not wanting to take courses and be right back where I am now--always job searching. As far as the medical show, I started watching Nurse Jackie on Netflix and had many moments that brought triggers and I'm like "why did I start watching this show?" It's a good show, but there were a couple of patients that had my sister's same illness. That was rough. I also have moments when I hear ambulances. Ugh.

First, I want to say thank you for bringing up what you did about getting out meeting new people and how that still makes you feel lost and alone. It's something that no one has brought up before and something I have been thinking about a lot myself. After my sister passed I was just about desperate to find someone for social interactions with, but I realized I wanted a replacement that enjoyed all the things I did and what we enjoyed together and it hit me that that would never happen. We all meshed with our loved ones because of how we worked so well together, and that can't be replaced. I know even when I am with family it can feel alone and uncomfortable because I don't want to do what they want and I don't have that comfort or familiarity that I used to have. I'm always on the look out for people or groups that have a lot in common with me so hopefully that basis can work and maybe lead to something else we might have in common. that's all I can hope for now. As far as the counselor, that disheartening that she would tell someone grieving that you will lose yourself in 7 months if you don't get it together. I have never heard that before. Don't we have enough pressure on ourselves to "get well"?

Trade all that money for one more day with him? How about giving it all back to have him back for good? You know what I was thinking before you brought this up was I wish I had a genie and you know what I'd wish for. I'd wish for all our beloveds to come back, but it reminded me of an episode of my favorite show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where the mother died and the daughter did a spell to bring her back. She came back as a Zombie and was heading to the house but they broke the spell because they knew she was not going to come back right. That made me think of Alladdin, my fav Disney movie where the Genie said don't ask to bring someone back from the dead, that it was messy and he didn't like doing it. I was thinking, 'what's up with no one being able to grant the one wish we would all want? It's just something I was thinking. Sorry to get off topic. Anyway, I would surely quit my job in a heartbeat as my jobs are always crappy and not worth keeping. After that I'd buy a nice condo for me and my mom, we'd be neighbors, and give some to other family and also a couple of friends I know who are struggling bad, one is homeless. If I was younger I'd go Vet school, but since I'm not I'd just build some animal shelters and sanctuaries and help all the homeless animals and also advocate for homeless animals in other countries. Honestly, winning now would make me very depressed since my sister is not here to share in the joy. I don't even know if I would want to win. It would not feel fair or right, she deserved to enjoy some happiness too.

This is me. This morning I was slapped back into this aloneness, sadness and emptiness. Even more so thinking about all the things I was looking forward to doing with my sister, especially the car thing. We had been looking forward to me getting a car and of course right before it happens...boom. The unfairness of that rips at my heart so much. I think about stories I have heard about people dying or getting killed on their wedding day. Just the idea that you are preparing for happy times ahead but life goes "Nope! No happiness for you!" That's what makes my anger stay.

Yep, yup and YESSSSS!! This exactly. I could replace your Connor's name with my sister and this is just how I feel. To put it plainly. I'm just mad. It's awful being stuck in an un-fixable situation. Especially when it affects you all the time, everyday, all day. You put this perfectly. I have punched a few things, but mostly scream in my head. I do feel like being violent sometimes, just want to Hulk Smash in anger. Trying to live life and be around people with this anger is not easy.

Kevin, my mom has a tree in her bedroom, it's been up for over a year now. And this was before our loss, she just never took it down and enjoys the lights as her "night light". Unfortunately, it's been knocked over a couple of times and some of the ornaments fell off, lol. But it's still standing.

Me too! I had a couple of moments yesterday but I forced myself to block them out. It wasn't easy. The silence and wanting to talk to my sis so bad sometimes feels like torture. I just miss our conversations so much. It most definitely colors every facet of your life. How do you just one day start to live your life as if you never had this person in it? You don't. So many empty voids where she used to be, it's like jumping over pitfalls everyday.

This is the truth that people don't realize. As time passes we are expected to get better, not worse. Having my sister in my heart and my memories is great, but it doesn't really help me. I don't think I really feel her around me. I know once she came to me so clearly when I was asleep, woke me up and hit me on my hip and said "hey". It was so vivid I jumped and say "what?" and really saw her standing there smiling at me. That only happened once. I went to a couple of our favorite shopping places today. I got through it, but it was very depressing. I saw her in every aisle. I didn't walk in or out of the store with her, chatting, laughing. You are right the first year is spent in some sort of daze it's not really happening. I felt because I was still close in time to the incident I could some how turn back the clock. Just insane thinking. We have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. We will forever be on this roller coaster. I feel grievers always have to have a time stamp. 'In three months I will stop mourning and be better' That is not reality. I was told after Jan 1 to have a life plan to move on. Why? Does everyone else plan out their entire lives after Jan 1? It took me 8 years in a crappy job to finally get that moment where I wanted out of the sh*ty job role I'd been in all my life and that was before this tragedy. Now, with this weight on my shoulders I'm supposed to really have my act together? If I could switch my brain to "happy" I would. I know one day we will all do something we thought we could never do. And we'll do them with heavy hearts, but without tears this time. Then the next time we do it our hearts won't be so heavy. And even if our hearts are still heavy it doesn't mean we failed the Happy Course, it's just reality and the reality of our lives.

TH, we were the exact same way with TV shows! We'd dissect them and movies too. After a movie we'd ask each other "so what did you think?" Movies weren't just a movie to watch and move on, we really got into it and the characters and the story line. It feels empty watching them alone and even emptier watching them with people who think it's silly to care so deeply about movie characters. Also, I'm bad at following complicated plots, like espionage or really talky movies, and she would explain the plot or what people meant and I wouldn't feel embarrassed about not following the story. I have no one I can do that with or no one that I'd feel comfortable with doing it with. If we watched an episode of something before the other we'd be like 'Oh wait until you see this episode" and we'd watch together and the other one would be waiting for the reaction from the other we knew was coming because we knew each other so well. It was fun.. What I"m angry about is never telling her how happy I felt hanging around her. I know sometimes we'd be out together and I just randomly felt like hugging her because I felt so happy and comfortable. ITtwas weird, lol. But we definitely argued and annoyed each other too. Man, I miss her.

I know this all to well. This is what I struggle with the most and I think is what is making me so emotional and angry. Seeing others with someone to share with, going about their everyday hurts. My sister used to text me every morning too, she left for work around 5:15 or 5:30 am so sometimes her texts would wake me up. I had a friend that started texting me pretty early and I'd hear that text noise and think of my sister. It haunted me that it wasn't her. I so wished it was her instead of my friend, no offense to my friend. There are so many things during the day I read or see that I want to bring up to my sister, but I can't. And there is no one else that would care and that makes me feel tense and angry. When the shooting in Paris happened we would have been concerned and sad together. We always felt the sadness when tragedies like that happened. Now, I might tell a friend and I can tell they wonder why I care so much. That makes me feel lonely. When you said what is the point about with no one to share it with, it made me think of our movie fun. We loved movies and I haven't watched any since she passed. We always got into the characters, worrying about them like we knew them. My friend doesn't get that. If it was a horror movie we would freak out together over the deaths and murders, we loved gruesome stuff. I don't know anyone that likes horror movies. Watching movies now feels very what's the point with no one to hear feedback from or discuss with. Just me and the movie. Constantly reminds me she's gone and how lonely I am. I'm slowly moving back to doing that because I have no joy in my life right now, but it's hard when everything reminds me of her.

This is what my friends have been telling me since this happened, but hearing it coming from someone else enduring painful grief sounds much better. People were telling me to do this before I wanted to hear it or think about it and that was the problem. It's good to want to find some sort of life again. Time doesn't heal wounds, as someone said on the show Nurse Jackie "Time is a thief" But time does give you a bit of space to sort out some of the insane thoughts in our minds. I know there are times I thought "I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of talking about being sad and lonely." But it's like having an epiphany--you do what you do when you are ready to do it.

I'm sure I have said one or two of those in the past, though I usually stopped at "I'm sorry for your loss" which I remember reading that is not a good thing to say either. But I don't think that's true. Anyway, I know I am and have fumed in silence. You reminded me that is not a good thing to do. I have forgiven and tried to forgive friends who either disappeared or said the wrong thing. I realized that most don't know what to say because they know they can't give you what you really need and want. I get that. I know I was a bit mean about it because a few times they came off as "orders" and "duties" as someone mentioned here, so it is a good idea to gently let people know what they say isn't working and not just that, but to say what we really want, which is for someone to listen, let us vent and even agree with us to a degree. It's not always about solutions and suggestions. I don't think they realize that either.

Yep, and I think it kinda drove me into an angry rage of sorts. It is a very weird and upsetting feeling. I used to be on facebook every day, reading and posting silly, fun things, or commenting on others posts. I'd do those goofy quizzes and stuff and post the answers. Now, nothing fun feels worth doing. Plus, I don't want to present this happy "I'm over it" person on facebook when that's not me at all. Seeing others going on with their Everyday makes me angry, but I know that's not fair. It's like, I talked to my small group of friends, mostly through Facebook, but my Everyday was my sister so I wasn't worried about what anyone else was doing or worrying about them worrying about me. I had what I needed. And they all had what they needed. Losing her plunged me into this emptiness and that reality is mind numbing.

Oh Brad, I'm so sorry. This made me sad. These are things that no one knows about that keep us down. Just when you think you are making it, this happens and people wonder why you can't keep a good mood. I hate ambushes too.

Grief never goes away. That's what society and everyone wants us to believe, that we "move on" and then everything is back to the way it was. In Pleasantville it is that way, but not in the real world. 30 years from now you can still feel some type of way about your loss or other things surrounding it. Sometimes we work through it and get to a place of peace about it and sometimes we don't. It may take a therapist, someone to really bring up things about your past, your parents past, the situation, a host of things that make you realize what may be wrong. You might still be annoyed about something connected with your grief, and the pettiness of the money and the account thing just tipped you over. I can totally understand that.

Look at little Fonzie! I want to cuddle with him too. I feel just like you with the bed thing. I go home and go right to bed. I guess it's sort of my protective space or something. I just mostly feel like there is nothing else to do but get in bed and watch TV--and really there isn't. I also have the same thing with friends and their suggestions. I don't want that either, I just want someone to listen and comfort me as well and to just get what I am saying and not push me to do this or that. I don't need to hear I need to "go on with life" don't these people think I know that? That we know that? And despite all the things you have to be grateful for you still want the one thing that gave your life meaning. It may not make sense to most, but that goes beyond financial security and a beautiful house. (yes we all want that too) but still...you know what I mean.

Virgo, I feel the exact same way. I love this forum as it has helped me, but just like you said, constantly talking about this is also wearing me down. I also see my therapist and at times I don't want to because I don't feel like, yet again, talking about it. But here and my therapist are my own outlets. It is very draining and also depressing. This forum helps, but unfortunately I can't hang out with people here all the time, and everyone here is also stuck in their own vicious cycle of grief and pain. It's not even like I WANT to talk about my grief all the time, I just need and want to talk period. But I have no one else to just chit chat with. No one I know is available to me like she was. I just get in bed with my ipad every evening. That is my life.

Exactly, Virgo. The idea that I'm trying to be negative makes me angry and therefore look even MORE negative. I can't snap my fingers at the door and turn into Rainbow Brite. I don't even want too. I think about all about how just about everything fun I did or looked forward to doing involved my sister, Denise. So how am I supposed to enjoy this life? To have to suddenly recreate a solo mission for the rest of my life is not easy or fun. And yes, it does have an effect on my attitude because I have no one to talk to to get my complaints, good or bad out. We all know what holding things in side does. And it's not all about just someone to complain too, I don't like complaining all day. But when I"m around people it makes me miss my sister that much more because I miss what we had together, what we loved to do together. It's also very depressing to know you will never have that again. That's not easy to get past.