hollowheart

Kayc, thank you. This is most definitely the most tragic event of my life. Something I never saw coming, even when I found out about her health. She was right back to her old self and I felt like things would just move right along as long as she was working on her health and taking her meds. You made good points about living for today and making it through the present. But I can't help but fear the future. How will I deal with any other loss in my family alone? I thought I'd have her until we were both old and we would deal with aging parents and relatives together. Now it's just me. And I worry about what will happen to me. I feel like a rush to figure out my arrangements, something I can't even think about, but also worry about. I just feel we let her down. We didn't rush her to the hospital like we should have to try to save her life. I will never forgive myself, I can't figure out how to live with that. She's gone because of us. I realized my Mom does not want to fully go there because it's just to painful. She has cried, and I felt bad because she had a couple breakdowns because I pushed to hard. So I just let her grieve how she has to and I will do the same. It can be difficult because of how she chooses to do it because on the outside it's like she doesn't care but I know she does. I am grateful and so happy to still have her, but it's not the same. I miss what me and my sister had that I can have with no one else. I need that back and I can't have it. I do feel like dying because I'm sick of trying to live. I always said I was a 'loner' but being a loner knowing you still have someone there for you is different. I loved doing my own thing, but loved knowing she'd be there when we wanted to do something together. Now I'm truly by myself. And things like museum trips, Black Friday shopping, city events, things like that where you always see couples and groups together is just no fun when you are FORCED to do it alone. Ugh, just hate everything and care about nothing now.

I lost my only sister last month. She had congestive heart failure and I still grapple with the fact that we could have saved her had we gone to the hospital when she first started feeling bad. She said no, and I didn't push it. Why oh why didn't we just go to the hospital!!!?!?!?!? It still does not seem or feel real. I had a couple good days where I haven't cried, but when I go to bed it's the worse. I am taking sleeping pills and feel like I will need to take them the rest of my life. I don't know how I will get a regular nights sleep from now on. I just feel like my life has been destroyed. I can't even remember any good times we had because it just makes me so dang sad and depressed and it also reminds me how she was only person I did EVERYTHING with, so then I start to think I will never do any of those things again. It's just a vicious circle. I constantly want to text her or call her, it's driving me insane. I seriously can not believe she is gone, oh my God. She is gone and I don't know how I"m going to make it without her. I just truly cannot believe she is gone. I feel like I'm in some nightmare or dream or surreal moment or something. It's so hard to find support or groups or forums of people that have lost siblings. I feel like it's just something no one cares about. We really are the forgotten mourners. I never thought about it until now. I never had a need to think about it. Whenever I heard about someones sibling dying I would think about myself and wonder how I'd cope because it was just the two of us and I just couldn't imagine it. Now I have to live with it everyday and I am not coping well. I have cousins and such who want me go out with them and hang out. I don't know if I"m ready. I want to do something, but then I don't at the same time. I think it's just I want to do it with HER and I want to do it our way. We were both pretty good Homebody's and loved going out but loved coming back home to hang out and watch movies. It's just we were in sync and had our favorites we liked and any new things to do we agreed on and tried and we usually ended up not liking it at the same time too, lol. Now I just feel like I'm at the mercy of friends of family and have to do what they want to do if I want to tag along. I know that sounds awful when I'm being invited out, but it's just difficult. I could be comfortable with my sister. I just hate my life now. I'm just wondering if anyone out there is now the only sibling and what is that like for you? I just feel so lost. And so lonely. I go right home from work, pajamas and bed to watch TV. She was the only person I hung out with.

Oh NewNormal, That is a heartbreaking story and so many things you said ring true to me in a similar way even though I didn't have a spouse, but so many other things ring true like loving the holidays and waiting for those 3 months, having traditions and such. My heart broke even more when you said he was 2 years from retirement, and the chickens and gardens you were planning on. Why is it that when things finally start to pull together it just falls apart? It's like some cruel, torturous devil joke played upon us. If losing our loved one isn't bad enough, the pain has to be heaped on by taking them away when life is starting to fall into place. I know me and my sister were starting to figure out our careers, I had finally made a decision about going into Education where she already was and I know she would have helped me out there. I was going to finally get a car and we would have enjoyed the hell out of that running around together shopping. Now all gone, just like you said. All your plans shot to hell in a minute. I'm tired of feeling like I've been set adrift. I just hate that 'no purpose' feeling I have all day. Dont' have any plans, don't want to really make any plans because I really only want to make plans with her. So, them I'm just stuck. I also want to run, I want to move from where I am because EVERYTHING around where we live reminds me of her and thing we will never do together again. But I can run to the ends of the Earth and I'd still be alone. I don't give a s*** about that 'you're strong' s***. I think people think that encourages us, and I also think it's more for them than us. When they saw you selling your house, making decisions, etc. They figured you were holding it together quite well and pretty much had not changed which makes them comfortable. They don't want to see us wailing and not getting out of bed.

New Normal that's awesome. I might start looking again. It would be great to find a group of people that are going through the same thing. I can't find anything, and if I do it's so far out of my way the inconvenience doesn't make it worth it.

It is most definitely one minute, one second at a time. Someone asked me how I was doing and I said I didn't even know and they said they understand that I was just "putting one foot in front of the other" and that was very accurate. I was just plodding along going through the motions to a certain degree. I feel like I'm flailing at times, just drifting and not really knowing where I'm going, but I'm still moving I guess. I'm just trying to figure where I'm going while I'm pushing along. Margaret you are right about the big gaping hole. My heart has surely been shattered. Grief attacks are always just under the surface. I hate it.

Margaret, I don't think we are supposed to understand empathy in that way. I know I had heard of people and known people that lost siblings and I know I felt I just could not understand how that would feel--well I certainly know now. At that time I knew that would be pretty much the worse thing to happen to me beyond losing my Mom--and it is. With Sympathy you are sad for the person but still not THAT sad because you truly don't know what it's like. You just know what you you believe it would be like for you personally. When it really does happen then you know just what they are going through. I have seen funerals where women buried their children and they were fainting, couldn't stand up without help, couldn't be still. You would not get that sort of grief unless it happened to you.

KATPILOT, When the support goes away that is really a dire time. I've read a lot about "overcoming grief" and every time I read that it depends on 'who passed, and how close to you they were and your relationships, etc." and that will reflect how hard or easy it is for you to move forward. I get a lump in my stomach and feel even more depressed as my sis was a HUGE, BIG, HUGE part of my day-to-day. We even texted during work hours, so it's like I were in contact pretty much all day everyday. I'm like 'what does this mean for me?' I will never figure out how to live with this heartache and absence. I can not completely blame my friends for how they act, as I know I have been there for my friends who have lost loved ones but obviously it didn't effect my life like it did theirs. I wish this was a death I could just mourn and move on, but I can't. Such a key essential person in my life, just gone. I will never be the same. I don't think I will every really be able to hang out with my friends the same either, as I have a couple close ones and we liked to laugh and gripe over petty dumb life and work stuff. Now, I don't care. And they never contact me to say 'how's it going?' It's just to tell me about that kind of stuff that I USED to laugh over and care about. I'm just sad all the time now.

KpI48, I am glad that you were OK heading into the living room. I hope it didn't feel to forced, even though it was suggested you try this. I am that way right now with my sister's apartment. She died in there and it sits empty and my Mom suggested I move in there and I was horrified. She couldn't understand why that upset me, but after I went on about it I think she started to get the picture. I can't stay in her apartment to long, it's just to much for me right now. I think one day we just suddenly do something and we are OK with it and even we dont' know how or why we are ok. Like I have been doing nothing but getting in my pjs and in bed under the covers and staying there every free second. It's even hard to shower. I want to do nothing but stay in bed every chance I get. One day I decided to clean up the kitchen, did a couple loads of laundry, fed a couple stray cats we usually care for and fed the birds. Believe me, that was a LOT compared to what I have been able to do. But now I"m back in a 'bed ridden funk' so I believe it will come and go and eventually you will find some stable sense of something. But I refuse to force something on myself for anyone's sake. I think that's a surefire way to set yourself back 1,000 paces.

I'm going to keep seeing my therapist for a while. I hope it does some good, it's to early to tell. It's just this is beyond tragic and emotional for me. I absolutely can't believe she is gone from my life. I am just still in shock this is my reality. Some hours things are OK, then other times it's like I'm drowning and I don't know how I will live without her. She was definitely my rock. I feel like I'm just drifting in an ocean. I'm tired of feeling so lost and lonely.

MartyT, yes I have looked at Compassionate Friends. I actually found out about them from YouTube videos and someone referred me to them. The location is very far for me, I'm on public transportation, but I might end up checking them out at least once out of desperation. It depends on how I feel. Just even more frustrating having to hike across the city for this stuff too. Ok, I'm just in a grumpy mood today. I'm just sorry I have to deal with this at all.

I hope I'm not intruding on this thread a I have not lost a spouse but in reading everything everyone is saying it resonates with me in my loss exactly. What I hate the most is that nothing in my life will be the same again. Nothing. There will always be that cloud of grief, loss and loneliness over my head. People like to say that you are looking like "your old self" because they are eager for you get back that way to make them comfortable. They don't want your change to upset their life as they know. I feel like a tiny bit I'm encountering that some people want you to grieve the way they do/did, like they may say in not certain words "when my (whoever) died I had to be back in the saddle in a week" which makes you feel like you still being sad 9 months or 2 years later is going overboard. I definitely feel like I"m just surviving. It's an awful feeling.

I have found this same thing in Chicago! I found it very depressing and I have pretty much given up the search. I found a hospital that was somewhat close to me, called their bereavement department and never heard back. For some reason it makes me even more depressed that I have chase them down at a time like this. Everything I come across is for suicide grievers, or death of children. Those are the top two, than then death of a spouse or pet. I was looking for general bereavement or death of a sibling. Those are almost nonexistent. I thought about starting one of my own but am not that type of leader, nor am I in that state of mind to want to run something or have the time. And churches and hospitals have things posted in their websites but when you call around they don't know what you are talking about, as they usually have it on an "as needed" basis which means they don't have it all. I feel sad that I can't find that kind of support. Even online has had slim pickings as a lot of sites or chat rooms, either people post comments days and weeks later or it's been months since the last posts. It's frustrating and very upsetting.

I'm glad it was a nice ceremony. It sounded very nice. I wanted to agree as far as the work thing as I feel the same. There are trivial things that I probably would have been ok dealing with before now it's a monumental effort to care or focus, or I just don't care at all. What's worse is having the days just blend together with nothing to even look forward to. I used to care about the weekends, now there is nothing. Also, you are not being overly sensitive and 11 months is no time at all. I just feel we are pressured to "get back to normal" but it's impossible. At this point I don't care about what friends I lose because I can't paint a smile on for their sakes because it will make me lose what sanity I have left. Take as much time as you need.

Lately I have been wondering how she would be handling my death. I think about the same or worse because she would argue w it's our Mom about her laziness and lack of urgency about anything and I can see them arguing more. I just miss her so much. I don't think she'd want me to blame myself if stay sad but I think she'd hate that I listened to our mom because we used to complain to each other all the time about the dumb stuff she would do and how she wouldn't jump to do anything if it involved getting off the couch. I think my mom has issues dealing with crisis. But I don't know. The idea that she'd just be in the hospital right now recovering haunts me. I believe we let her die and I don't know how to live with it. People tell me ask for forgiveness. What will that do? To me that's like saying "oops! My bad!" And then going on with your life. This guilt is killing me and I can't Change anything and that makes it worse.

Mitch, if you can, I'd love to hear an update to how this situation is unfolding. I also find this utterly ridiculous! I think you should do just what kayc said, especially starting with your insurance. I'm sure anyone would be happy to send you a bill or invoice to show just what you should pay. Do you even know what your co-pays were? You need something from insurance to say what your co-pay was and what you actually owe. I think this is woman is just evil and she should be ashamed doing this to someone dealing with grief and going through something already. I wouldn't send her any money until you got something in writing to show just what you owe. Why just send her over $200 because she said so? How much was her sessions per hour? If she ends up being in the wrong I can imagine the headache in getting the money back. I'm beginning something similar as I just started seeing a therapist and her cost is $160 an hour and I think my co-pay may be $20 although I was told it was between $20-$40 but I don't know what exactly. I don't know why it wouldn't be a set number.

Margaret I feel the same way as you do about the weather. Recently it rained all day I thought, 'yes, these are my tears just falling and falling all day'. Any rainy days I feel that way now. I have just cried whenever I wanted to cry. I have tried to curb some thoughts that were especially sad to me because I feel like that would break me. I remember when my cat of 21 years died, I cried all day the next day and I couldn't say her name without crying. I know this is different than loosing a pet, obviously, but I'm just saying that when I got to a point that I could handle it better--I did. But I didn't push it. It's just how you feel and it is NOT cowardice. The mood swings are going to happen for a while. I'm fighting them too. It's going to be a while before things settle. Be nice and patient with yourself. I'm trying as well.