hollowheart

Moms Angel, those are the exact words I've been looking for. Yes, my normal routine is destroyed and it was everything and can not be replaced. To have that suddenly eliminated and then continue on like nothing has changed is just about impossible. I'm the Walking Dead right now. It so hard not having that regular daily conversation with her. Kayc, pretty much all my friends are not hearing me and I never had any super close friends, that was my sister. So my friends are just doing what they were doing before, living their own lives. Unfortunately, one that was trying to be attentive has a host of personal problems of her own and disappeared. I used to help her and now she just wants to be alone and no longer gets back to me. What a lonely world now.

Yes, same here. I have had these unrealistic 'flashes' of this just being temporary, like 'ok, after the holidays she will be back' or something like that. It just seems to come out of nowhere that this is just temporary. I guess my mind not still grasping this reality. I think knowing that Monday is the start of being back to the work grind for me too, and the continuation of my crappy life is also depressing. I spent the last couple months just trying to get through the holidays, now there are just going to be normal days to get through and that might be even worse. I still don't know what to do about work/job/career. I don't have anyone to talk to about that either because as soon as I start to complain about what to do there I just get answers I don't want, like my friend pushing me to go to school as if that solves all problems. She calls herself being encouraging but it's mostly annoying. There is no one that cares enough that I can bounce ideas off of, I have someone else that just agrees with whatever I bring up. If I randomly mention medical school (I don't want to go) she's like "Yeah, you should do it! Go to medical school!' just not realistic at all about anything I say. Yesterday I cried all morning and I think that's why I get even more annoyed with people saying 2016 is a new beginning. It used to be, when all was right with my world. But all my misery followed me right into the new year. I was in tears for hours on the first of the year, so January 1st meant nothing in my life. God I want her back so bad. I just want her back in my life, I want my routine back. I"d be in her apartment right now.

10 weeks is nothing, and to say you're 'wallowing' is very hurtful. When we are out of sight we are out of mind and behind closed doors others have no idea the hurt and trauma we are still going through. Because they don't see it or us at all for that matter, they forget about us and as time starts going by they are like "Oh, it's been about 3 months, she should be doing better by now." It all just comes back to they have moved on and don't want to hear or talk about it anymore. Also, if someone feels like they sucked it up and "moved on" during their grief, they expect the same from you. I have found that out from at least one person. I believe she is projecting how she dealt with loss on to me, and because she just "moved on" and "toughed it out" that I should too.

Virgo, I'm finding that a couple of people that I did try to talk to either didn't say much about how they coped, or they just said the usual 'You just gotta keep going' which tells me nothing. I just chalked it up to they didn't want to relive it so I didn't really push, but it was a little hurtful that people that have gone through this dropped me like a hot potato and just expect me to "hang in there". I feel like I'm losing my mind every single morning I wake up and realize I'm still in this nightmare.

Celii, you have had so many deep seated losses, as Kayc said I know they trigger each other. There is longing for what was, for what couldn't be. You almost feel maniacal with grief. Trying to mourn them separately will help with the insane feelings. Your mother had a special place in your healing and her loss will hold a more significant place in your heart. Losing your rock creates a void no one can understand or ever fill again. I think the relief you feel is this sort of strange acceptance that it's ok to let go of certain pain. It's something that happens in its own time, but we are always told to make it happen ourselves. It's a much gentle accepting when it comes on its own.

WolfsKat, I've already been "scolded" at not having a positive outlook. Well, excuse me for forgetting my Personality Change Pill. All my "trying" friends make my anger and bitterness increase. I woke up crying. My optimistic button is broken.

MomsAngel, that is EXACTLY how I think when people say they "be strong and move on" I've had a "friend" who lost both parents very young about 20 years ago I guess, she says "I know it's hard but hang in there" no other words about how she coped. Ok, I get her loss may still be hard to talk about but this is a time where you can relate that loss to help your supposedly good friend. No? Ok. I'd like those strong tablets as well. Like you, in Jan 2015 I never dreamed she wouldn't make it to the next year. I was the one that hopes for every new year and created plans that I wanted to accomplish. It was easier to do then. One friend keep telling me how it will be a better year. How? Why? Maybe if I had a neurolizer like in Men in Black and I can erase my mind it will be. I spent 90% of my day in some form of communication with her. All my life. Imagine suddenly losing that and can't replace it? How do you get over something in a few weeks that was your whole world for decades? You don't. Virgo, I'm crying right now. I woke up to that same emptiness and quiet and it just about killed me. A new year without her. It is terrifying. It makes me more aware and scared of other losses to come (older relatives) and as the younger generation I will have to deal without my sister by my side. The future does not feel happy it feels bleak and sad and scary. I don't have a family, who do I lean on? Obviously not my clueless friends. This year is bringing on more stress as we all lived in a building and we now have to keep paying her rent. We have talked about moving because wasting the money on her rent won't keep making sense. But it's scary. I love this area, and the idea of having to clean up all the apartments and pack and house search....it's daunting. I don't know what's going to happen to us.

Hearing "Happy New Year" has a different taste when everyone you love doesn't get to join you. I want to say "what's so happy about it?" I am feeling depressed again.

This is me right now. It's almost driving me crazy. Like you also mentioned about hearing about bad things on the news and not really feeling much. Me and my sister would be concerned about local and world news. If I mention things to some friends they are just like "uhhh ok" like I'm crazy for being so upset and concerned about a random murder or horrible event. My sister cared. Without her I know I have just don't care anymore. That's not me.

I care nothing about this upcoming new year. I actually fell asleep and only woke up from people shooting at midnight. I had several people tell me 2016 will be better. Well, unless my sister is being resurrected this year how exactly will this year be better? I feel no different than I did last year. I don't feel any more hopeful or any less sad and lonely. I know I have become bitter and angry. Having to bottle everything inside has done that. Every time I talk to someone it makes me annoyed and reminds me how little they really know me and how much I miss my sister and her company. It hurts so much to not have anyone to share your day to day with. No wonder isolation is used as a torture device. It really can drive you mad. I'm still in survival mode and hoping to find some companionship. My old friends are useless now. I just want to reverse time.

DegasGirl, we really are in the same boat. I am exactly like you except that my sister is the one I'd go to if something annoying or stupid happened. I'd text or call or pop in to see her to vent and she'd get my frustrations. No one else really gets my complaints, or cares, so I have to hold it all inside. I can talk to my mom sometimes, but I wish I could get the perspective from my sister. It just feels so lopsided now. I know I make my mom sad too and then she gets mad, but it's not as bad as it used to be.

I think I have put up mental blocks because I know that I am trying to black out any sad thoughts, even memories as all they do is make me sadder. Knowing that is all I have left, and knowing my dear sister is nothing but a memory now is to much to bear. We always had our memories so they don't bring any comfort. I don't know what will happen to me when the reality comes crashing down around me. By the time people get to 6-12 months that reality has set in and it is beyond worse because everyone around you has definitely moved on, and it's like you are falling apart (again). I know the holidays can't be helping. It didn't help me and it made me more isolated because I had to make sure I didn't go on facebook or instagram or anything like that to see happy smiling, holiday faces. I'm definitely sad all the time too.

When my sister passed away about 3 months ago, I found that's all I wanted to do was sleep, sleep, sleep. If I could have I would have slept all day. I think most of it was because when I was asleep I wasn't thinking about my grief and my loss. Staying in that state of "unconsciousness" was fine with me. little bird, like someone said up thread, grief does make you exhausted. You are mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted on every level and you are also out of your routine. If there are periods of the day empty that used to involve your husband then that boredom can make you tired. I find myself sleeping because there is nothing else to do or nothing else I can concentrate on.

I know I'm more quite now too. I try to be "just sociable enough" at work. I can say hi and bye, but it's a small office and sometimes they want to do a lot of things as an office, I don't care for that. Not to mention I don't even like over half the people there so no need to fake laugh with them. No thanks. As far as the job thing, that's where my mind is now. But I have my good days where I at least think about moving forward and where I can go from here. My current job is a total dead end and I stayed in my last dead end job for 8 years and I dont' have another 8 years to waste. So as far as the job thing, just keep it on the back burner for now. Job hunting takes a lot of mental and emotional work. Even physically it's exhausting. Even though you hate your job there is no reason to push yourself now, I think it will be worse because you just aren't ready. And the change of a new job now with people who do not know your past and know of your loss will be hard, it's something I'd have to deal with too. My sister had finally gotten a job she loved, she headed up the computer lab at the school and ran it, so she had her own room and she loved working with imacs and ipads all day. I just don't want another stressful job in my emotional state.

Littlesister, Yes, I'm still running into people telling me to just 'stop being sad' in no certain words. Hearing that almost makes me go backward a few steps because it makes me feel like I'm not justified in being hurt over my loss. Like I just need to cut that out. Kayc, not having a very clear direction of what I was doing before my loss certainly didn't help after it. Motivation is slooooowly creeping back, but grief attacks happen at any time and just seem to take everything away. I think that's something no one understands so when they see me down again they go 'oh you gotta pull yourself back up!" but it's not as simple as that. Those grief attacks are like boulders rolling over you.

Kay, that job sounds almost like my last job, but they would at least not bother you on vacation. I had a friend who had a job like that, but I don't think she realized she was supposed to be on call all the time like that. They ended up letting her go. She wasn't suited for it. I will agree with it's about how you are treated. I know there are nasty bosses everywhere, but I've had to much contact with nasty, egotistical lawyers for a lifetime and they are a bunch I know I would be glad to not see again. Some are just downright ridiculous. They think they are Gods. I'm sure there are doctors, who play God, who aren't as bad as these jerks. I think it's also about what I do for me because I am never doing anything I like, lol. I had a friend at my old job who would say just what you did, it's not about the work it's about how you're treated but I never liked either. But honestly, I'd rather do a job I didn't like with good people. That would help.

I loved reading this story! It made me smile, especially about the video. I wish I had something like that with my sister. All our iPhones and we never took video of each other. Oh well. I'm glad that this trip gave you your purpose which I'd to move back home when you can. That will make you feel more on solid ground, think. And it will be good to have your family around. That's a big bunch! Glad you had a great Christmas.

I have the same issues with hours of the day. I look at the clock and it will be 7:00 and I will feel like it's midnight. Before there was never enough time, if be running from my sisters to finish up stuff before heading to bed. Now I get so bored and feel so stifled. I get tired of looking for something to do to pass the time when I never had to do that before.

Wolfskat, I realized today friendships I've had will either fall apart or disappear because they are unable to realize that my life has forever changed. After talking to my therapist today I realized its not going to be my responsibility to make sure they are comfortable around me. So I'm glad you don't care about being mad. You shouldn't have to grin and nod and counsel her because she is raging over a deleted episode off the DVR. You have bigger fish to fry. Of course in the past you might have been high fiving and saying you understand, but not now. On another grief forum I will never forget this young lady saying all of her friends petty problems upset her now because they can be fixed, as she can't do anything about her "freaking unsolvable problem". I know I'm going to lose friends and I don't care anymore.

Littlesister, I feel I do understand. I can see how some siblings can have stronger bonds with one over the others, especially as far as age differences. It's almost expected. It sounds like the girls are struggling while the boys are bouncing back. And most of the time no one can understand because they don't have that closeness. I feel like no one can understand how this is so much worse for me. I know my parents lost a daughter and they had her before I did, but we spent so much more time together and had a special bond and lots of secrets between each other and just our own little world too that it sometimes makes me mad that people expect me to bounce back so fast or be "doing better" so soon. A friend that disappeared for a couple of months emailed me asking how I"m doing. I told the truth, that it's a daily struggle and she just said 'hang in there' For some reason I wished she hadn't said anything at all. I want to not sound like a bitch about that as I know she probably doesn't know what to say, but this is devastating and life changing. Hang in there? Yeah, sure.

This is what is creating a divide between me a good friend. It's not that she's doing anything bad on purpose, but we both have older sisters that would get on our nerves and do crazy things and we would always text or talk to each about what goofy thing they had done again. Now that I don't have mine anymore, if she brings up something her sister did I can't go 'Oh, yeah, that sounds like something my sister did." or bring up something she did recently. That was a big thing we had in common. A part of me wants to forgive my friends for still having their lives and living them, and they shouldn't be faulted for that, but the bitterness creeps in. And usually I don't care.

Littlesister, I certainly understand that yearning. I think my pain will always have a rawness to it because she was my only sibling and there is just no way around feeling or filling that emptiness. Not saying that just because you have other siblings she wasn't just as important, but I sometimes wonder if I'd be able to handle this better if I had others siblings to lean on. I am glad that your brother in law found someone special in his life, and also great that you seem to like her too. I'm sorry your husband is not so comforting. The one person you sorta expect to give you comfort. But I guess no matter who it is, if they don't understand your loss they just don't. I admit to not even wanting to think about understanding this type of loss, yet here I am struggling every minute. It's the absolute worse thing that has ever happened to me and I hate it with every fiber of my being. H A T E it. When you mentioned the shopping thing I had to nod. It was a favorite of me and my sisters too. We did everything together as it was just the two of us. I just feel so lost and alone, I know she would not want me to feel so alone and sad, but I can't help it. How are your other siblings handling it?

Mom's Angel, You didn't say anything wrong. I felt you understand where I was coming from. Just like you wanted to get your job and your focus was on having money to give to your mom, now that main focus is gone and a lot sadder now. Another thing about the car, I rented one and side swiped the back of a parked UPS truck. It was scary although it was just a very minor fender bender. She was with me and I told her I was so happy she was with me. When I think of that I think of driving around alone and not having the safety of her by my side. I'm a new driver and am still learning so it was nice to have her in the car even thought she wasn't a driver herself, it felt good to have her there. I have no one that would want to just hop up and go out anytime like she would have, even if I did have a car, so I'll have to be going out by myself most of the time. I hate that thought.

Persie, I just saw this posting and noticed your surgery is today. I'm wishing you a successful surgery and full fast recovery. You have had a lot to deal with, more than your share and I am praying you are done with for now. It's great you have a positive attitude in seeing the new year being better. I hope it is for all of us. God bless you, your husband and your Mom. I think 2015 needs a back hand slap to the face!

Oh Brad, that broke my heart to read about the trips you had planned. That is not fair. I believe things like that make it even worse to try to come to grips with the circumstances. My mother has told me many times about her aunt who had just retired and had a lot of money to retire on, and then she died. This was about 50 years ago, but of course it's something she didn't forget, that unfairness and that feeling of your loved one being robbed and denied of something good and deserving. It leaves you with a bitter taste in your mouth forever.