hollowheart

My sister and I both loved our iphones, each other were the main people we texted. We had a lot of in jokes we'd text each other, and random complaints about late trains and buses. No one to send goofy Memes to that would appreciate them and send me some back. Just silence. I don't even charge my phone half the time. No one calling anyway. Me and my sister enjoyed watching YouTube videos and movies together, and just sitting and talking. We would go out, but 9/10 we were homebody's and enjoyed our evenings together. That was good and it was great fun for us. This is the main thing that I don't think I realized in the beginning. Then it soon came to light that what I looked forward to right after work (calling her and texting her) was gone, and chit chatting and hanging out in the evening was gone. And in reality, there are plenty of things I could do and want to do, but I want to do them with my sister, Denise. I used to do a lot of things by myself, but it's different when you want to and when you have to. Even when I don't want to watch TV I keep on doing it because what do I do when I turn it off? I have zero energy for anything else. Like Gwen said, everything has become a chore now when before it was a daily routine.

This is me EXACTLY. Down to a T. It's like I wrote this. Especially the sharing random thoughts, bouncing idea, just all that. Me and my sister, Denise, I don't think I ever said her name here. Anyway, we talked all the time, everyday. We would text goofy stuff to each other. Basically, like you, that one valuable person in my life is gone and it does make life very empty. It's very hard going through life without at least one person that gets you. That's very lonely. I don't talk to anyone. Well, you know little chit chat to people, but it's not like I did with her. So now I feel very bottled up. Like you, I also have a kinda close friend that vanished and only popped up after 3 months to say 'hang in there' and then she disappeared again. I don't have the energy to chase her down for comfort and I also feel angry that I have too.

This week I have just been so exhausted. I know it's grief, but I think it's just a combination of a lot of things. I'm just tired of this life, and I think I take my sleeping pills to late and they carry over into the next day. But also I feel that around certain people, especially at work, I have to come up with every excuse in the book as to why I'm tired or not in the mood or just not feeling the day. I know our situations make people uncomfortable, but it also makes me annoyed with people about it. There is this very nice lady at work, and she joked with me yesterday about what was I going to complain about today. And I thought 'oh, great, that's who I am now? The old complaining lady at work?" I know she meant it in a funny way, but it did bother me a little. And when I say it's a bad day for me she will joke and go 'what did this ever do to you? You should be nice to today" and it can be a little funny for a second, but mostly I feel like I have to bring up another reason why I'm having a bad day and I shouldn't have to. I don't know. It's just tiring to have to keep on a poker face on such an un-fixable problem.

I think this is partly why I have that constant 'mad at the world' feeling all the time. I was feeling pressured to move it along, grieve and keep on with life. And it did feel like orders which made me want to fight back, and like you want Billy, I want my sister to complain to and protect me.

Hope, you sound just like me. I didn't think I would find anyone else that felt such deep and agonizing pain over losing their sister. I am glad I met you. I don't think anyone I know knows what I go through. They just have no idea how horrible this is. You mentioned how a lot of people around you are helping and really reaching out to you. That is wonderful and it is great that people have not forgotten you assume you are getting better. But you know why you continue to sink into that valley of despair? Because we both know there really is nothing they can do to erase this pain short of bringing your dear sister back. I feel the exact same way. My sister had a good life insurance policy and my Mom is happy that we can use that money and said that I finally get a car. Well, I haven't touched the money. The car was supposed to be so both of us can tool around town. The money means nothing because of how I got it and that a car will be even sadder for me, even thought I really need one. The cruise and the vineyard are great, but afterward you are right back to the world of darkness and despair. That's not being rude as far as returning their good gestures, it's just the reality. I have a cousin that invites me out every now and then on the weekends (the weekends are really rough as that was when we spent most time together). I go out with her and am usually thinking about how I wish I was shopping with my sister. I also have to be polite and do what they want to do so it's not always enjoyable. I appreciate people's offers, but usually it just doesn't work. There is nothing that can ease our suffering. You said a mouthful when you said your attachment to your sister is your fatal flaw. Yes, we lost so much in that moment. I think about things that only me and her did together. We spent so much time together that no one understands our relationship except me and her. That is lost. I am the only one that holds that key. I lost a future with her, growing old and seeing us both retire and be old ladies together. Also, me being so close to her is my flaw. A part of me wishes I didn't care so this would be easier to handle. But I know I don't really want that. But living without her is unbearable. I am just existing right now. People tell me to live to honor her. I don't understand that. How can I enjoy a happy life without her and she is not here to enjoy her own? Where am I supposed to find this joy to live without her? My joy was living with her.

Virgo, I used to joke all the time about dying or death. Or I'd say something like "I was dying over that, it was so funny" In my head I still want to say it because I've been saying it for years, but now the word has a whole new meaning. Or if someone jokes about someone dying or something it does sting. I used to do it in that manner so it doesn't hurt so much as they are not really laughing about someone actually dying. What gets me is when people actually make jokes about someone dying or they don't feel bad, even for a moment. I feel bad anytime I hear about anyone dying, and this was before my sister. Oh and funny you mentioned your stock reply whenever anyone asks if you are OK. I have had a couple of people at work ask me that when I'm looking or acting a certain way. If I say "It's a bad morning or a bad day" they will joke or say something like 'But the sun is out! it's Wednesday!' or something like that and it annoys me because I know they don't really want tohear the truth because that is awkward and uncomfortable for them. Sure there could be other reasons I'm upset, but if I were anyone else I would assume it's still because of my loss. I have to learn to just say "I'm fine" and move on.

Thanks Kayc. It has been a very bad, rough couple of days. I have not been very comfortable in my grief, if that makes sense. I walk around staring at the ground, unhappy and sad in my thoughts. It's just been awful. I also got into a show that I had been wanting to watch on Netflix, Nurse Jackie. And now I'm thinking a hospital show may not have been the best thing right now for me to watch. I was looking at one episode and this old lady laying in bed not talking or moving, just mumbling and Jackie ran to her and figured out she was having a stroke and they called an ambulance. I was sitting there wanting to bawl my eyes out because that is what my sister was doing. In bed unable to talk and what did we do? Nothing. So I'm sitting there thinking, yeah, she was having a stroke too, I"m sure of it and we did nothing. She could have been rushed to the hospital and this could have had a completely different outcome. Watching that really fu**ed me up knowing that she was pretty much having the same medical issues as that lady and could have been saved. I just can't get past it. I just can't get past losing her.

This is so hard to figure out how to do when they were what made this life good.

Em, I'm so very sorry for your loss and so sorry you are suffering like this. Your story sounds similar to mine, expect that it was my sister that passed. Like you, she was ill and I felt I had a chance to do something. I gambled with her life and waited and waited instead of rushing her to the ER. I found her the next morning and I have constant flashbacks on finding her which makes my grief that much worse. It has been a few months for me but also don't feel like things are getting better. People around me think that I'm getting better, just tell me to hang in there, but it's not that simple. They don't have that image in their heads. They don't know what its like to have that pop up unexpectedly. Finding her was horrifying and I'm sure it was horrifying for you. I know how that feels. Therapy helps some. I wish I had other answers. I'm looking for some myself. Coming here helps me because I can vent and read about how others in my same situation are doing. I believe I will only reach a tolerable state, never actually "better". I will never be OK again.

Hope, thank you so very much for coming in and commenting. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack to find someone who feels just as I do. I'm glad that I found Virgo_Gal as well. I definitely feel like you are I are very similar. I have a yearning for my sister that I just can't get rid of. Right before I read your post I was sitting here thinking about how I lost my best friend, how I have no one else in this world. Sure, I know people, but they are not my second half the way she was. I feel like I have no life now as I used to do more on my own and also with her. We'd go out a lot and it was fun and that worked for us. Now, I don't want to go anywhere because I'd have to do it alone, and the few friends I do have don't have my interests and trying to schedule with them is like trying to see the president. It's more work than reward. So, losing the convenience of having her to hang out with makes me angry, so I feel angry all the time. And talking to others makes me angry because they just give me the same speech about having to move on. You are right about this grief being crippling. I have nothing to look forward to everyday. Each evening I'd stop by her place and sit and talk, we had plans every weekend. What do I have now? Her apartment is still full of her things and I don't know where I fill find the strength to go in there and start sorting and putting things in storage. I have some of her things, and also gifts she game me and they take on a whole new meaning now. I was the younger sister, but like you I was supposed to help her and save her like she would have done for me. I know I failed her and I just can't forgive myself. It had got to a point that she wasn't able to really talk and that was the end, because then it was all on me and I did nothing. She couldn't help herself and I didn't help her. She was enjoying her life, she was young and she loved her job and was finishing school. It's just not fair she got sick. I can never stop blaming myself.

I know this feeling. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so hard when you see them everywhere. That is me. I can't escape. Thank you for sharing.

Me too! Me too, and I fully know that hell. I just have these bizarre thoughts that she will be back. It's just so hard to live in this reality. Her phone is shut off now so I don't think any texts will go through. I haven't tried. I bought a new phone so I have all her messages in my old phone and I'm trying to figure out how to keep them. It is unbearable living without her. I still am in shock. I get very angry that I didn't think and did not act better to try to save her life. We just kept waiting around and did nothing. How could we not expect the worse to happen if you do nothing? It's just so hard to know her life was in our hands and we failed her. We did nothing. That's on us.

Thank you all. You have no idea how good it felt to read these responses and know I'm not alone. I literally have no one else to vent too and I think that is adding to my insanity. Not having even one person to talk to really does make you crazy. And my sister was that go to person. I don't know what it was today, but I guess it was one of those nasty sneaky grief attacks. It started last night, I just started missing her so much and the reality was hard to bear (again). We also got some money which is in my name since I'm her beneficiary and my mom was freaking out about getting checks with her name on them and a debit card with her name on it and she kept asking me about it and I didn't give a crap about the money or dealing with any of that at all. It just all started to feel overwhelming. Then she asked me again about it and it just put me in a bitchy mood, just made me feel this pressure where I had no one else to help. Of course me and my sis tag teamed in helping her or getting her stuff, now it's all just on me. She's also a hoarder (a medium case) and me and my sister talked about that a lot then I started thinking about it's on me now to clean up this mess. Sorry, i just had to complain. It was just to much today.

Just thought I'd bombard the "Rough Day" thread because I feel like I"m having a nervous breakdown right now. I took some meds but they aren't strong enough. I want to take two but don't know if that is a good idea, but at this point I don't care. I just feel like screaming and crying and curling up in bed. I don't feel like I can handle today at all. I woke up feeling terrible. I woke up missing my sister and all the way to work I just wanted to talk to her so bad, I just miss talking to her so much. It's pure torture. This life is pure torture. And my Ma has been depending on me a lot to help her and that started stressing me out as I started looking ahead at me being her caregiver one day and that almost had me jumping off the roof at the idea of doing it alone, no one to help me, no one to get advice from. I am no equipped to handle that kind of stuff by myself, I'm just not that type of person. My God, why did this have to happen to my sister. I just feel awful today mentally and emotionally.

I'm sorry Copperpot, she was a cutie, and I'm sorry to everyone here to lost a pet. It is so very hard to lose that companion. I feel like our pets know us better than we think they do. I know my cat does. She makes me laugh too. They can be with us a long time, so it's like losing a family member. Having to put her down is especially painful, but you made the best choice you could given the circumstances. We are never ready to let them go.

Virgo, trying to keep my mind distracted causes me stress sometimes and I think it gives me anxiety. I know I'm a TV/Movie Whore, but to be honest, a lot of my day was spent with her. Even if we watched movies together. Now I find myself constantly trying to find something to watch (reading is impossible) and that gets old after a few hours. I get to a point where I just want to go hang out with her and I can't and that's where the anxiety starts. My mom took my sisters phone to use and my sister loved that phone and took a million pictures and had a lot of apps. My mom had her own iphone at one point so she knows how to use one, but she kept giving it to me wanting me to take off pictures and remove stuff. She had alerts popping up and my Ma kept asking what those are. I couldn't bring myself to delete anything and I felt bad because I could see on my Ma's face she didn't know how to do it and she couldn't get me to help. It was to heartbreaking for me. It's still the same with her apartment. I don't know how I'm gonna pack anything up, I can't stay in there longer than 15 minutes.

I was feeling like this just about an hour ago. These sneak attacks just show up whenever they want. And as much as I know people mean well, I just want to eye roll when I'm told I'm doing better. That's why I love what you said about "they only see what I show them" And they only hear what we tell them too because they don't want to hear that we are still doing badly. I know I feel like a puppet at times, just moving along down the street in a daze. It does not mean I'm doing well.

You spoke the gospel here. I already needed a lot of sleep before this to feel like I could cope generally. So after all this happened I couldn't sleep at all, I'd wake up and pace the floor. It was awful. Even worse is when my sleeping pills still don't seem to work. (I think I need stronger ones) Mental and physical exhaustion is horrible.

Cathy, thank you so much. That was very encouraging and made me smile. I know I'm the type of person that gets focused to much what other people say. I feel like I'm moving at the fasted pace I can right now. Sometimes I backslide and have those moments. I think that in talking to a few friends I just felt like I was being rushed and pushed into figuring something out and moving on with life and it made me rebel. I didn't want to already know how I was going to move on from this. I still don't know. I'm still flailing with a lot of things and as much as I complain about what I don't want, I still don't really know what I do want. It's what I used to talk to my sister about a lot, so losing her was like taking my brain and mixing it up like a rubick's cube. I couldn't get it straight and I had no one to bounce anything off of--she was that person. I just had people telling me where I should be and what I should be doing. It's almost like she was my life coach, and was just suddenly ripped away. How was I supposed to figure out my entire life path during the worst time of my life. I mean my heart is shattered. I was just angry. But anyway, thank you.

I didn't lose a spouse, but me and my sister were together so much that people always expected us both. When we were alone we were asked where the other one was. I mailed out about 4 Christmas cards and I found myself signing her name on them. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but it just broke me to just sign me and my Ma on them when it used to be the three of our names. I just couldn't do it.

Kayc, yeah, I know I am just existing. My fear is 20 years later still looking for grief boards and grief groups and therapists. I have no family of my own and I'm sure that's what will happen to me. Time will move on but I won't. That's how people assume we are moving on because time keeps going. It doesn't mean we do. We stay stuck. In ten years I really won't be talking to the few friends I have now. At least it would have been the two of struggling together. It's a scary future.

Wolfskat I thought about you first thing this morning because I start back at work today and I think I had an anxiety a track this morning. It's so dark here when I wake up at the time I need to for work, it feels dark and scary to get up and go out. I spent my whole vacation at home except one trip to the store in a car with other family and heading to our outside basement. I realized I never wanted to leave the house again. I felt that way right after my sister passed too. I take Zoloft but honestly can't tell if it's doing anything besides making me sleep. It's the generic kind but it's still about $30 a bottle before my insurance. I would think there is some sliding scale clinc near you that can help. I can understand after 4 months developing this anxiety. That's a good amount of time off, and not the usual bereavement time. I wish I could get that much time off. But I know if I did I'd feel just like you, probably worse. I'd probably pacify myself into thinking I didn't have to go back especially since I hate my job. Going back would be a nightmare (another one). To get back into that work routine will be a big adjustment and I felt it when I had to go back into the world. Knowing my sister wasn't around made me feel lost and vulnerable. It felt scary. I think I dealt with it because I had no choice and it sorta got better. I think that's part of where my bitterness comes from. I want to quit just so I can hold up at home and sleep and not have to deal with stupid work things while I'm still heartbroken and grieving. One boss is REALLY nasty and never even gave his condolences. He curses and yells at you when he's frustrated and most of the time it's his fault. Dealing with that with my loss makes me want to put an ax through his face. Work sometimes is very hard in that regard.

Kayc, yeah. thank you. ? I wish Virgo and I lived in the same neighborhood. I wish I could find someone that felt such similar things. I was having another dose of "I can't believe this is real" today. I just can't get past she is gone. Of all people in my life. I just never in my most horrible nightmares think this would happen. I really and truly feel alone. I have a friend that is an only child and the other one that has her own problem has 3 sisters she can't stand doesn't talk to. So the few friends I have can't relate to how close we were and are often amazed we were so close. So they don't get how hard this is and gives me the "keep on truckin'" speech. This is like losing my right arm. Everything reminds me of her. How do you just keep on truckin' past that? I'm still very lost

Darrell, I am also sorry for your loss and sorry you need to be here. Always remember how you feel is how you feel. You are not going crazy and you are not overreacting, even though you may feel that way. You are fresh in your grief and it is overwhelming, painful, agonizing and unbearable. I know you are just putting one foot in front of the other right now and that's all you can expect of yourself. Reading your story it reminded me of me and my sister. She was my best friend and we did everything together and like you, I also wonder how I will carry on when so much reminds me of her daily. Right now I'm just moving through life and trying not to think about the future. This may sound stupid but let the grief take you where it needs to. If you try to avoid it or push yourself to be "over it" to fast you will crash even harder. I also have immense guilt and I don't think it will ever go away. I fully believe I contributed to her death. I don't think anyone can tell you how to deal with that. I know the advice I got didn't work. But I was once told "give your sister credit for loving you as much as you love her" and I think you should give your beautiful Andrea credit for loving you and knowing you wanted to encourage her and calm her fears. That's because you love her and you needn't feel guilty for that.

This is what stresses me out in having a job. I don't have time for those kinds of hours and then deal with work and stupid people at work. It's just another stressor. I think I need better sleeping pills too.