hollowheart

Ceili, your mom was your rock. So it's like someone pulled the rock out from under you while you were leaning on it and left you to flail and fall and try to find your footing. Your daughters and your best friend were monumental losses (and did you say your dad too?) but despite these tragedies you had someone there for you. Having that person to go into battle with in fighting the pain and sadness makes a bigger difference than we realize at the time. I'm glad that you and your husband talked and he will get help with drinking. That's a good step. Christmas is always tiring, something we don't normally notice when we are enjoying the season, family and ourselves. It's a GOOD tiring when we are having fun. But dealing with it under grief it takes on a whole new weight and meaning and becomes downright exhausting. I didnt' lose my Mom, so I hope my comments aren't insulting, but I lost my sister and she was my go to girl and rock and best friend, and I have also thought about dying many, many times since I Lost her. I still think about it. I also feel no joy or purpose and see nothing to look forward. I'm on anti-depressants too. Seeing a counselor is a good thing. Being able to talk about it the way you need will help. I'm glad you have other family to visit, and that family being siblings, I hope it will help to have someone there that know your past and can definitely relate as she was their mother too.

Kayc, yeah, I'm sure it is just her. She just wants "all eyez on me" and doesn't want you to say anything, just listen. Doesn't sound like she wants any feedback either, just a warm body with ears. Sheesh. I know I am a talker, especially with people I'm very comfortable with. I feel like during this grief layers of things are surfacing. Like, before I was just sad and shocked and crying all the time, now I am angry and annoyed all the time, and I'm also very frustrated about friends and talking. Me and my sis would vent to each other about stupid co-workers, stupid bosses and bad days and it was fun because we got each other and we'd agree with each other and understand how annoying the situation was. But no, my friends either have to try to fix the problem, or make me feel awkward for complaining. I think I'm just missing my sister so so much and the companionship we had that can never be replaced.

Kayc, you definitely understood exactly what I was rambling about in my original post. That is exactly it. Your story about your quick phone friend reminds me of a friend who always had men problems. Cell phones were just getting started, and I would text her (or reply to her text) and she'd immediately call me and scream talk about the latest 'dog' that she was dating or had done her wrong. It was constant with men problems. We lost touch for a few years, ran into each other, started talking again and went through THE SAME THING! We lost touch again as I pulled away. I couldn't believe years later it was still the same men rants. My sister was my main social connection, so while I have some friends, I realized that while I love them, there are a lot of needs they didn't meet for me, unlike my sister. You are right that I just needed her to listen and not get all pushy about going back to school and the bootstrap pulling. This friend is also very religious and usually talks from that prospective, which is not helpful. It takes a lot for her to really complain. Which also annoyed me. I just needed her to agree with me that it's hard to job search while in this state of mind, and that our jobs are crappy. I see I'm pulling away from some friends because they make me feel bad for complaining and that's how I feel lately. I'm just angry I'm in this situation at all. I"m tired of feeling this way. You are right a close friend is a gem! I wish I had one.

Brad, I think this is in the top 3 of things that make losing someone so special so painful. I know for me, I only had one person who was available to me to say random things too, things that no one else would care about, or to bring up something that would only mean something to us. Losing that connection is like losing an arm, and no one really understands. I'm struggling with that loss of connection very badly, I think worse now as time goes on. I feel like I'm gasping for air in needing someone to talk and discuss things with. Seeing or knowing something that you know your loved one would appreciate but no one else would and not having them to share it with is maddening. At least it is for me.

Thank you Marty, as always. I think my frustration is just so deep because the one person I'd go to to discuss this with and who would understand is gone, so it's just this feeling of loss all over again. It's now a combination of being fed up with my job and also dealing with deep loss at the same time. That feels like being in a pit of quicksand. It was just this morning was so upsetting talking with someone who just didn't seem to get it.

Something happened today that almost tipped me over the edge over the frustration at losing my sister, go to person and best friend. Basically, I was texting with a friend over hating work and we were joking about wishing we could retire. I mentioned how I hate my job and can't figure out what to do or where to go. I was heading into being a paraprofessional before my sister passed. She worked in a school and I knew I could get a lot of help and guidance from her. This wasn't something I was 100% sure I wanted to do, it was something I felt like I might like and it would be out of reception and out of office work which is what I'm trying to do. Even if I do stay in office work, I'm trying to find something I might like. AWAY from receptionist. I H A T E it. But ever since she passed the motivation dried up. Now it's a struggle to try to find another job but also deal with everything else. I can't focus on it anymore and I feel lost again life and career wise, not to mention I'm still in shock and in grief. And the one person I could go to and talk to and gripe with is not here. My friend was trying to be helpful but she just kept pushing that I go to school (??? School is not always the solution, not to mention I have zero idea what I'd even go to school for). I just feel like she doesn't understand how hard it is to be so depleted mentally and emotionally and even physically at times, over something I can't even do anything about, but still trying to figure out other parts of my life that suck and bring me no joy. I really just needed someone to complain to and complain with , but she wasn't getting it and it was making me miss my sister even more. She GOT it. She liked her job, but she had past jobs she didn't like and she understood having a job where you are just showing up and doing just what you need to do. Some jobs are just like that. You don't want to give any more than you need too. I have friends who do not think like that, so they always give me this look as if I'm wrong or I'm a bad person because I don't want to give a crap job I hate everything I have. Well, I'm sorry, I don't. Especially now. So it just bothered me that no one around me gets that and wouldn't just let me b**** and moan about it. It just made me angry and miss my sis even more. I have no one that I can just talk to, who will agree with me, who will see where I'm coming from. Everytime I talk to my friend about this she has to give me this "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" talk. It just makes me mad. I feel like I'm angry all the time. I have no one I can talk to. I'm just annoyed.

This is my situation exactly. The weekends are just awful. I used to look forward to them, now I dread waking up on Saturday. Me and her together livened up the house and even by ourselves we had fun in our hearts. My Ma is old and wants to do nothing but sit, eat and watch tv. She also has health issues so going out turns into a big drama. I need a car just for that reason so it's frustrating having just her now. She can't do what me and my sister used to do. It makes me even more depressed. I feel so alone. Even when we go out and come home she is so tired she runs to lie down and fall asleep so it's difficult dealing with an old person. It's like I'm still by myself. I hate my life.

I think even if they message you once in a blue moon, you still have some contact with them on a "semi regular" basis. If they go, "Hey Virgo Gal! What have you been up to?" I think it would be OK to say, 'Well, I have some sad news. I had a death in the family. My brother passed." But it really is up to you to decide who you think you would want to tell. If you really don't talk to them, then they don't need to know. For me, I wouldn't want to talk to them normally like my heart is not still cracking and breaking into a million pieces as we speak. Even by text my messages would probably come across as 'WTF ever" because that is how I pretty much feel about peoples mundane conversations now. If you say he's studying abroad then think about how often you might talk to that person. They'd be like 'So how is his studies going? How does he like the weather over there?" And it will be painful to feel like you have to create this story for him. If he were still here but doing something secret then it might be easier to lie, but I feel it might be a little mentally and emotionally harmful to keep that story up. If you think people who know each other talk, you can say 'Well, I don't know if Jane told you, but..." When they ask how you are doing and also then they will know why you won't want to talk or whatever. Because you are still mourning.

Both of my friends parents are dead, and she is so young, so people don't expect that. I remember some idiot on the street bumped into her or something and they argued and he said something like "didn't your mother teach you not to walk in the street" or something like that. And she went off on him and she was so mad when she told me later. I was upset for her, and maybe I shouldn't have said this but I told her that people just don't expect that yours are both gone given her age so I know that comment hurt even more. We all hate that "didn't your mother teach you...." kind of reply, but for her it stung even more. Part of me wants to forgive the uncomfortable look because when someone blurts out "oh they're dead" You don't want to be like "Oh yeah? Oh well. So anyway, did you see that new movie last week?" We all feel like we should say something consoling. Even if they've been gone 20 years and we had no idea, it's still sad to hear. Also, I read one of these links about what to say and one lady said her friend said she's an only child because her sister passed away when she was 12. I'd feel like I'm just forgetting her or treating her like she never existed if I said I'm an only child. I might do that to people I will never see again, but if I think I might talk to them again I know I will eventually mention something my sister used to do and then they'd be like 'Huh?' It really is a tricky and difficult situation. If you have other living siblings I would mention them and then say but one passed away (or multiple of that's the case). If they really are a random person I'd just say I"m an only child and move on.

Virgo, I think of that too. Because in the past when people asked me if I had brothers or sisters and I said one, they'd be like 'oh it's just the two of you?' when a lot of people I knew had big families. Like you, I feel like it will be a big production if I have to mention she passed if anyone asks. I also want to say I still do have a sister, I don't feel ready to say "I DID" Because then the person has to look sad and even sometimes ask what happened, which is even worse and none of their business. I have never gone this long without talking to her, even when I went on vacation. It's almost like she's fading from memory and not having any new conversations or events or situations in my life with her makes me very depressed. I still had a good 30 years worth of memories with her. I feel robbed. You know what made me feel so awful recently, was my job asked for an emergency contact. I gave my Ma, but I think when she is even older, who will I use? I used to use both of them, now I have no one for anyone to call. How utterly depressing is that? Virgo, you can simply say "he passed away" short and quick. And you can also say You don't want to get into it if they press for details, unless you really want to.

I'm going to write those notes, hopefully this weekend, or at the very least over Christmas break because I won't have anything else to do and I do feel the looming stress of my Ma assuming and expecting me to do it. It's kind of a slap in the face either way, because if you don't talk about it they think you're fine and over it and expect you to be normal, or they have forgotten and expect you to be your regular self because they have forgotten about it. You know what else, I think that only people who have lost a loved one and it is ESPECIALLY burdensome and unsettling and sad that they understand. Reading here that others are having a hard time with their losses make me feel a little better. Not that I want to feel this way years down the line, but if someone is still having a hard time 5 years later then I'd it's not just me. Some can accept things better and move on and from their prospective they expect that from you and they don't understand that lingering sadness.

Virgo, why do you feel guilty about wanting to hang out with people? Sometimes I want to hang out with people too but other times I don't want to have to reach out to them, I want them to ask me how I'm doing. I know that's petty, but at times I don't have the energy to chase people down. I'm going back and forth from guilt to anger. Mostly it's angry frustration. I don't have anyone to vent to about stupid random things. I could do it with my sis and she'd get it. I have no one I can talk to like that now. I am just holding all my gripes inside and it's making me crazy. You know how people can get when you complain, they either don't want to hear it or try to be jokey about it and not really be on your side or get what you are angry about. I feel like I"m losing my mind. I woke up angry because I woke up 2 hours early and couldn't get back to sleep and my horrible reality is always there when I wake up anyway. I haven't touched much of her things either. She had a lot of stuff because she liked to shop. We haven't even sent out thank you funeral notes and I'm kinda pissed about that because I know my Ma is leaving it up to me to do and it's just making me angry again about these responsibilities that I don't want. How freakin' depressing is that job going to be? I'm sick of work and stupid things that I could deal with before but they are just making me want to blow this place up now.

BJ, oh he looks like a sweetheart. Thanks for sharing the photo. I'm so sorry you lost him. It's good to talk to other animal people that love them just as much as a human. I know someone on face book that got a dog just because her daughter wanted him. She can't stand him and is not an animal person. I mentioned that pets are family and she goes "No, he is not family" and I was angry and hurt, but let it go. I mean, why get a pet if you think like that? Thank god our pets had us and we had them.

CathyC, you echo my thoughts in saying you want just want to phone your brother. I know that feeling. And I definitely know the intense loneliness. I just remember my normal routine of coming home from work and stopping in her apartment to chat with her, usually before some of my favorite shows came on, or sometimes I'd skip watching TV and keep on hanging out with her for 2 or 3 hours. She would show me stuff on her favorite YouTube channels and it would interest both of us so it was fun to watch together. I miss that so, so, sooooooooo much. It is unbelievable she is gone from my life too. I think I hurt even more because that last day things were not looking good that I left her there instead of calling 911. I just left her there to die, waiting for the morning to take her to a hospital. I don't mean to keep bringing that up, I know I have said it a million times and I really hate to sound like a broken record but it hurts so bad that I didn't help her like I was supposed to and that, I'm sure, would have saved her life. There was nothing else for us to do but get her to a hospital and we didn't even do that. I don't know how to live knowing I could have done something to save her life and didn't. The loneliness is unbearable!!

I echo these sentiments as well because I have started to have that anger and resentment towards people for having what I used to have. I get on face book every now and then and see happy family posts from my friends, or goofy random status updates that I used to care about and comment on. Now it makes me annoyed that their meaningless gripes are their only problems in the world while mine are tragic and inescapable. Doing anything now feels like a waste of time, no one to share it with. Who wants to stay out all day doing something alone? Of course I have done that, but that's when I wanted to be. Having it forced upon me is a totally different feeling. I feel crazy too, I know its' from grief, but I think it's mostly just the total frustration of not being able to change my outcome, to fix my absolutely unsolvable problem and the longing for someone I can never have again. The longing and aching really does make me feel crazy. You said it about not being able to relax and enjoy life. When I do start to have fun I instantly think about my reality because when I'm enjoying myself I want to share it and I remember I have no one to share it with. I finally bought a Playstation 4 on Black Friday--I'm a HUGE gamer--and I just about cried when I was hooking it up because I would have been sharing that with my sister and I would have been so happy to have my system and ready to play. Something I love and couldn't wait to get just made me sad. I hate that.

I don't understand the comment either about you winning something before she passed. Unless they mean "winning' the fact that you've survived 11 months. I dont' get it. I would also like to know why you feel guilty. I know what it feels like to have extreme guilt, and I know I had a large hand in what happened to my sister, so I understand that guilt. Please come back and share, we are here to listen.

Yeah, I feel so funny now without her and now being an only child. When someone does something she used to do I go 'oh that's something my sister would do' and it makes my heart ache because she's not here anymore to do it. I cringe even seeing the word 'sister' I liked having a sister and us being so close and knowing each other so well. It was pretty cool to have someone that knew you that well. Not having that anymore also makes me feel like nothing, because there is no one left in this world who knows me. It's hard seeing others getting back to their normal when your normal is destroyed. Even worse is when people talk to you like it was BEFORE, joking and stuff or looking for you to do what you used to do. It makes me mad because I'm like, that person is gone forever. Don't you get that? I guess they don't. One day you will start talking about him and you won't even realize you just started doing it. I think that's when you will know you have turned a corner. It doesn't mean you're 'healed' but it's a good sign.

Virgo gal, This morning is really f**ked up for me. I woke up wanting to cry. I am just like you in that I have not digested that she is really gone either. I keep dreaming that we got her to the hospital and she is recovering. I just about had a breakdown last night. We loved played The Simpsons Tapped out game on IOS, we've been playing it for over 2 years and are big Simpsons fans. They had their Christmas update and I just wanted to break down. She'd always know before and would text me all happy about it. It's no fun doing it without her. I see so many little things during the day I want to text her about. I'm just so lonely. I have a friend that I sorta keep up with, but she's not always helpful even though she means well. I just want to roll my eyes at her suggestions sometimes. When you say you act normal and people act normal around you they probably assume you have 'recovered' and are OK. So inside you are screaming. I don't know if normal is what I am trying to be. I think I just try to do just enough around people to get through the day. I don't talk or laugh or joke nearly like I used to. And to be honest, talking takes a lot of energy, if that makes sense. Mainly because I don't care for idol chit chat now because my mind is always sad and angry and it takes a lot of effort to joke or be concerned over someones nothing conversation. I hate trying to act like I'm OK. I hate going to work now, I just don't want to do anything.

I still miss my Tracy. We always seem to have some stray cats in our yard and happened to keep one of the kittens from a litter that we saved. She is a little black cat and has a people personality. When our pets have those kinds of personalities it's hard to lose them because they are almost like another person! I know Tracy would give those 'looks' and it was funny. I know people think getting another animal right away helps but sometimes it doesn't. You can't replace everything.

I can't say I thought about my own mortality after my sister passed. I know I just wished she had taken me with her because I am just lost without her. I just feel so alone and lost. But then I see how my Ma is and I feel bad that I think about leaving her alone. But this is hell on earth here for me. I am just incomplete. I keep thinking about all the horrible things you hear about in the world. We'd always discuss it and, even talk about past horrible things like the Holocaust and horror of losing your entire family at once and what that does to a person. I couldn't imagine going through some of these things we'd hear about. But to have tragedy strike in your own backyard is a whole other world. I've had losses in my family before, but all of them were ones I was able to mourn and get past. A couple of them had no real affect on me at all, so even though I had deaths in the family I was able to still have a happy life. But this hit me right in the heart and I can't deal. Even when I do something fun for a minute, reality punches me right back in the gut. I find myself pretty angry a lot too, mostly angry that other people I know get to go on with their lives like I was doing just a few months ago and they can offer their condolences then go back to their perfect life. It's not fair. Why don't some of these evil worthless people that are taking up precious resources on our planet die rather than good, productive people like our loved ones? I told this to a friend and she made me feel horrible for saying it and that pissed me off even more. Screw feeling bad for saying that, I want my sister back. I'm just so sick of only being able to think of one thing all day. I want and need her back and I want her back living her life and enjoying it with me. I'm just so pissed.

Grief is an attitude? Oh boy, that's like a slap in the face. I have tried to be patient with my friends who mean well. When people ask how you are doing they don't really want to hear I'm suffering unbearable pain and loneliness everyday and want to die from it. I think I also am starting to feel this jealously and anger at my friends not having to deal with what I am and their lives are just happily going on like they were, like mine was before it completely got destroyed with a horribly permanent problem.

KP148, I'm glad you can make up your own schedule. So you can do what you want to do when you want, and if you're having one of those days you can stay home in your pajamas and not have to put up a front. I"m also glad you have a friend to be your plus 1 when you need. That is very nice. I have some friends but they are just not convenient to get together with so it's like I don't have any. The most convenient person to do things with is my Ma, but she is old with a bad back and 99% of the time just wants to lay on the couch and watch QVC. So then I'm back to being alone. I was also the only person my sis hung out with so it worked out for us. It's just an overwhelming loss for me in so many ways, I know you all can imagine. To be honest, I think I was in some kind of denial too. Even when she became non-responsive I just still never believed it would turn that tragic. I'm still in shock.

I wish I was retired, I'd stay in bed all day everyday. People think it's good to have work and have something to do, but for me it USED to be like that. I never liked my jobs, but I liked being a part of the workforce and being out and about. But that was all BEFORE. My biggest issues was trying to get a decent job, not dealing with this unsolvable, horrific situation I'm in now. I just dont' want to deal with people most days or be fake happy. I really miss having someone to share things with who get it, get my humor and care about what I'm talking about. And being my sister she would put up with me calling her at crazy hours or multiple times a day or texting her random stuff. I am beyond lonely!! *sob*

I hate the mornings and the weekends. When I wake up in the morning a few seconds later my "reality" hits me and I lay there wishing I had never woken up, back into this misery. Yes, the mornings are torture. Weekends are just about unbearable because every Saturday and Sunday me and my sister would either text or facetime and talk about our plans for the day or just what was the other doing. I miss not being awaken by her texts or phone calls. Now the weekends are just without purpose and I have no desire to go anywhere we used to go. So depressing. Even worse is my Ma used to love us going out because we could bring her goodies back. Now she asks if I"m going out and I say no and I know she is disappointed, but it's just so dang depressing to go out and shop and hang out alone. I fear I would burst out crying in the middle of the store.

I'm glad you can go home. With your friends having their family things, it's good you have some holiday plans yourself. I'm finding it hard to deal with everyone having plans and my plans are like yours "sitting alone and crying". The griefbursts may hit, but they may not. If things get to happy and jolly and it starts to get to you, then take a break if you can and find somewhere to sit alone, even if it's the bathroom or outside. If you tear up it will not ruin the holiday, they know you are still hurting.