Gin

All of a sudden the phone calls are not coming anymore. The days are so long!. I went to the health club, not because I wanted to exercise, but just to get out. One of the guys there who always talked to us seemed to avoid me. It is possible that he did not know that Al had died, but I am sure then he had to wonder where Al was. We were always together. I just felt even more alone. The wind chill will be at least -25 tonight and tomorrow so have to stay in.

Al and I were theater lovers. We were so fortunate that we lived in a good area to do that. In the 16+ years we were together we attended over 600 plays and concerts. Sometimes 3 a week. I never want to go to another theater, ever. Today I had to go to one of our favorites to exchange our last subscription tickets, so my daughter could use them. And free dinner tickets. As I was leaving, I was so sad thinking of all the terrific shows we saw and now it is over. Al was almost completely blind at the end so we had center seats 5 rows from the stage. Things just are not the same without our loved one with us. gin

Marge, I am so afraid of being alone, too. Weather permitting, I go somewhere every day, just to be out of the house. I am on the phone a lot, but it all means nothing without Al. He was the best to me and so accepting and non-judge mental. We were always together and nothing can replace him, or even come close. I guess for now I will stay here and put up with it. Of course, no one really wants me to live with them. I get really upset when the snow and ice come snd I feel so penned in. gin

All of a sudden I am doing such stupid things! I locked myself out of the house and garage 2 weeks ago. Then last week I lost the garage door opener remote. Today I lost my checkbook. I tore the house apart looking forward it. Then I went through the garbage. Then I went in the alley and emptied the recycable bin out. Finally I went to the bank and had them stop the remaining checks. My friend insisted on coming over to help me look. I already made such a mess that I did not think it would help. I had been cleaning out Al's drugs and she knew it. After awhile, she asked about the drug drawer. I insisted that I already checked. She made me look anyway...there it was! All of a sudden I feel so incompetent. Al has been gone 3 months and I am worse than I was before. I got extra keys, had the guy come today and bought a new opener and now I have my checkbook. I am tired and now I have to put all the stuff I dragged out away. gin

My husband Al has been gone for 3 months and his several boxes of his many, many drugs have been on his dresser all this time. Today I took the first step and got rid of one box. He sorted them every Saturday for the week. He was so careful doing this. I hated to do it, but it was a start. I was going to start on his clothes, but this was easier.

Kevin, Guilt was my major problem after Al's death. I took care of him with his many health problems, but still did not think he would leave me so soon. I kept thinking that I must not have reported something to the doctors. Or maybe should have changed doctors, even if he did not want to. He was completely blind the last few months and he depended so much on me. I felt like I let him down. We all are hoping for better days ahead. Gin

My husband Al has been gone for 3 months and his several boxes of his many, many drugs have been on his dresser all this time. Today I took the first step and got rid of one box. He sorted them every Saturday for the week. He was so careful doing this. I hated to do it, but it was a start. I was going to start on his clothes, but this was easier.

Gwen, i understand your anger. I have so many feelings and sometimes I do not even know what they are. I feel so isolated and alone. I have a few good friends, but several of them are sick now and causing me more concern. One in a nursing home with a stroke and one fighting cancer. I never dreamt that it would all end like this. The weather is so cold and icy that I have been staying in. I cannot afford to fall with a bad knee. I, too was a caregiver for quite awhile. I never resented it. More than happy that I could help him. The last year he was almost blind from glaucoma and he was so frustrated. I do not really know what I feel, but I certainly understand your anger. It is such a hard road. I wish everyone on this site lived in one geographical area so we could help each other. gin

Marg, after my husband died, my daughter drove me home. I kept saying, "I never want to come down this street again, never want to go in this garage again, never want to go in the kitchen again. Never want to do anything again without Al. Still feel that way. Tonight I went to the restaurant that Al and I used to go to. First time. Not nice. All these things are so hard. I only had my love for 16 years. We were both widowed and came out of marriages that were not that great. We felt so blessed to have each other. We were hoping for a lot more, as we all do. gin

Gwen, i feel much the same as you. There seems no point in doing anything. Everyone tells me to remember the good times. That does not work. I want those times back! Feel so empty and useless. I am having a hard time taking care of all the stupid details involving banks and lawyers. Gin

My prayers are for you Janka. It is so hard! Gin

Wolfskat, I am sure your husband heard you read the letter. When my husband did not respond anymore, I just sat the whole night holding his hand and talking to him. Told him how much I loved him and what a great husband he was. Right before he quit responding, he said something I could not hear. I got closer and he said "It's so hard to say goodbye". I believe they heard us and knew how much we loved them. Gin

Kay, must have been a very lonely Christmas for you. No one but those who are grieving understand. Gin

Gwen, the bank accounts were a big mess. I am just about done, but still have to take care of some bonds that he had before I knew him. No beneficiary. I have to fill out more forms. The days seem so long and pointless. I don't care much about anything. I see my daughter every other week, which is nice, but not enough. I do not think she knows how horribly lonely it is. Gin

Hi Tfer, i am so drained looking at death certificates, wills, etc.. The bank would not cash the bonds and I have go to the Treasury to do it. Then I got extra keys, since I locked myself out recently. Tomorrow I have to get another remote garage door opener, since I "misplaced" my other one. I'm doing great. Thanks for your support. Gin

Dear Hollowheart, Things like your cards really tear you up. Even little things take on big proportions when we are grieving. Hope things improve for you. Gin

Brad, It sure is hard to change bank accounts, etc.. My banking went badly today. Have to deal with the Treasury Dept. to cash some bonds! More forms. It is just so sad and having to do it all alone. Thanks for your support. Gin

Thanks Wolfskat, we are all on such a hard journey. Glad we have wonderful people to talk to. gin

TH, Thank you for your thoughts. Today I have to get extra keys made, and another garage door opener. And take Al's will, etc. to the bank. It is hard to think that things can improve at all without him. Gin

thank you Gwen. I caught myself several times yesterday saying "us" inappropriately. We were always together. Today I have to take Al's will, death certificate, etc. to the bank. It is all so very depressing. Gin

Thanks, Brad. I sure hope we all improve. This is no way to live. Always feeling so empty. Gin

Tomorrow morning it will be 3 months since my beloved Al died. I miss him so very much. We had 16 wonderful years together, but I sure wanted more. I still do not sleep well and find it hard to find meaning in anything. We were retired and were very active every day. It was never HIM or ME, but always US. Can never replace that. I am doing things that I never did before...locking my keys in the car, losing the garage remote, etc.. It is so stressful taking care of the trust he had and dealing with bankers and lawyers. So much focusing on his Will, Trust, death certificate. I am worn out. I am glad that you are all there to let me vent. I know my family and friends are getting tired of listening. It seems that I am very good at coming up with more reasons why the doctors should have been able to save him.

That was one of my husband's favorite hymns, also...In The Garden. My husband played the mandolin. At his memorial service my nephew and niece accompanied the hymn singing on the mandolin and flute. Al would have loved it. We had 5 of the old, old hymns at the service. We old timers loved it. Then the final hymn was a jazzed up version of Just a Closer Walk With Thee done in Dixieland style. Al and I saw the Canadian Brass do that at a concert last year and he loved it. Gin

Thanks Janka, then for sure we will be.