Gin

Patty,. I never want to go home either. Just walking in to the empty house freaks me out. My daughter and son-in-law took me out for lunch today to a restaurant where Al and I used to go. I kept staring at one booth where we used to sit. I wanted to leave, but I sure did not want to go home to that empty house. It has been 6 months and I do not feel like I am improving. gin

Thanks Butch for keeping us updated on your precious Gracie. I know how can hard it is for you on top of your grief. gin

Mitch, i am not doing nearly as well as some people think I am. Al and I were also two peas in a pod. He had so many medical problems, but he was a fighter and we thought we were doing OK with it all. The doctors used to tell us that we were a great team. I guess because I am not blubbering all the time, some friends think I am OK. I am not. Now I am having medical problems, and do not have my team mate to be here. It is all so hard! gin

great news Butch. Our prayers were heard. gin

Welcome back, Marty. We will try to be good for a little while.

Cookie and Joyce, let me join your group. Springtime offers no appeal to me. We used to do a lot of planting of veggies and flowers. I want nothing to do with any of it anymore. Al has been gone 6 months, and nothing helps. I joined a knitting club and a book club. Seems pointless. Still all alone. I do not care about the weather...I stay in my bedroom most of the time. The doctor gave me an antidepressant and I had a bad reaction to it. Will not take anymore. The days are so long..and the nights. I too look back to last year at this time. He was struggling so very much, but at least we were still together. This grief stuff is so hard. I guess we are all struggling together. gin

People talk about honoring the loved one you lost. I do not know how to do that. Al loved to garden, BUT we did that together. In the evening after dinner we would sit outside and admire our work. Now I have no desire to garden or sit alone. We went to many, many live plays. No more plays for me. We loved to composes verses for birthday cards, but that would not be fun anymore. I do not know what I can do to honor his memory. Nothing seems worthwhile without him here. We took several trips every year, but again not any more. He has been gone 6 months now, but things don't seem to be looking up.

Kay,. I appreciate you being here!! I do not always post, but I always read your posts. gin

my prayers are continuing for Gracie and her whole family. gin

Anthony,. Truly sorry for your loss of Crystal. It is such a hard journey we are all on. I met my beloved Al on the Internet, also. We fell in love through the written word. We were so fortunate that we lived close enough to meet. We were both widowed and both came out of marriages that were not rewarding. We were so delighted that we got another chance for true happiness. I was 61 and Al was 65 when we married and spent the next 15+ years together. He had lots of medical issues, but we still were so happy. Know how happy you both made one another, in spite of your complicated togetherness!! Gin

Gracie is beautiful! She and you all will stay in our thoughts and prayers. Gin

Polly, so sorry for all your pain. It was so fast for you. Gin

Gracie and Butch...we are all rooting for you.

Gwen,. I often get those punched in the gut feelings and don't know where they come from. Yesterday I came home from the store and as the garage door was coming down I burst into tears. Maybe because all of his tools and stuff still in the garage? Maybe knowing he will never be waiting for me anymore? Maybe knowing this is the way it will always be. I guess we can not avoid them. gin

My good friend has been so good to me through all this. However, she still does not get it. Yesterday she gave me a blow by blow description of all the great things that she and her significant other did all day...go to church, go out for breakfast, toured her old neighborhood, shopped, went out to lunch, drove along the lake shore, etc.. Any one of those things I would love to do with Al but....... No matter how much they feel for us, it is not THEIR journey. It is OURS, even though we do not want it. gin

I always wished we would go together, also. This was not our first marriage and we were so happy that we found each other. I was 61 and Al was 65 when we married. This was a marriage that we dreamed of but never had before. We were so fortunate that we had 15 wonderful years, but like everyone here, we hoped for and wanted more. I guess it was a blessing that he went first. Al had so many health issues and was also blind for the last year. Blessing for him but a curse for me. gin

Thanks Marg and Ana. It is a rough road for all of us.

It is so hard to believe that it has been 1/2 year since I lost my husband, best friend, lover. I can show nothing that I have done or accomplished in that time. Just lots and lots of tears. The days are so long and yet the time just passes. Weekends are the worst. Even when I see a friend, everything is just so empty and meaningless. I have to really work hard to put some purpose and meaning in my life. Even just a little. Gin

Mitch, I blamed everyone when Al died..doctor, hospital and most of all ME. Why didn't I see something the doctors missed? We sure do not have control, or none of us would be here. Gin

Bill,. I know what you mean. My husband loved his garden. I want nothing more to do with it. We worked so hard together and loved the flowers and all the beans, tomatoes, peppers. Now all it does is make me cry. We used to sit outside after dinner and admire how it all looked. No more. You would think that after almost 6 months, I might be better. I am not. It is a hard road.

Froggie...it sure is a horrible journey we are on, isn't it? gin

Same for me. I wanted to die, and yet, why do I go to the doctor? Today was a particularly lousy day. I went to the foot doctor, who is very nice. First I am met by the receptionist who tells me what a beautiful day it is. Doesn't she realize that there are no more "beautiful days" without Al. What do I care that the weather is beautiful and sunny. It is not sunny in my heart. Then the doctor starts saying the same things. He can hardly wait to get to the ballpark. I don't care about the weather or the ballpark. Spring just means more outside work, which used to be fun, and now is not. All day I had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach like I used to have right after AL died. Really wonder if things will improve. I had to deal with the plumber a few times this week. Al used to take care of that stuff. And a oil leak in the car. Gwen...chase that grief demon away for me, too.

Gwen,. I have never felt Al or dreamt of him. I look at his pictures every day and wish for some contact, but it never comes.

Al's robe is still hanging in the bathroom. Some shirts are still on the doorknob. All his tools are in the garage. Don't know how I will ever deal with them. He had lots of baseball hats, still where they were. We would get him a new one when we went on a trip. It is so very hard.

Mitch,. Yes, we found our soul mates! Al and I were widowed and got married to each other when I was 61 and he was 65. We were so grateful and blessed that we found each other. We were always together, went on trips, concerts and many, many plays. We weathered his quintuple bypass, artificial arteries, COPD, diabetes, and much more. We thought we were really doing great until all of a sudden it came to a screeching halt. We spent 16 years adoring each other. Nothing could ever come close. People tell me to remember the good times. Of course, but they do not realize how sad that makes me feel that I will never have that again. We just have to make the best of what we have.