Gin

I had a very bad reaction to the anti depressant I started. No more. Interesting that I always say that I want to die and be with Al. However,. all I wanted was to figure out how to get to the ER if needed. Had it all planned out. Go and open the front door, call 911 and then sit there and wait. Makes me wonder. Maybe the will to live is the strongest instinct. I would not have guessed that.

Gwen, the doc prescribed lexapro. Claimed I would not get addicted. My biggest concern is being alone and taking something new. I am more anxious than usual because my son in California is having surgery tomorrow. He works for a power company and fell from one of those tall power towers. They did one hip and now they are doing the other. I feel I Should be there for him, but I just can't. My knees are bad and I can barely walk. I get lost easily and I just do not want to go there alone. This alone thing really impacts us in a lot of ways. I tried to get him to come here for the operation, but I guess the insurance stopped it. If Al were here, we would go together, if Al were well.

This has been a hard day. Felt extra depressed this morning. Then I went to a grief group. That got me more down. All that pain! Then I picked up the anti depressant the doctor wants me to try for a month. I read the side affects and I do not want it. I am afraid to take a new drug when I am alone. No one to even notice if you have a reaction. This way of life stinks.

still praying for the family!

Thanks Kevin. It is so strange that everyone around me thought I did great with Al during his illness but me? He had all these terrible bruise marks from the blood thinner. I pointed it out to the internist, cardiologist, pulmonologist and vascular surgeon. They all told me not to worry about it. His legs swelled....just keep those compression socks on and don't worry about it. Maybe I should have worried MORE about it. We all devoted ourselves to our loved one and wish we could have done more. I hope someday I will believe it was my finest moment.

Mitch,. I have a terrible problem with guilt. Al depended on me so much, especially the last few months. He was completely blind during this time. I did not realize that the end was so near. One evening he wanted me to just sit next to him. I wanted to go lay down so I did not sit with him. Why, oh why!! I stayed with him in the hospital for the last 2 weeks. For 3 days I had a cot, instead of just a chair. He wanted to hold my hand and I could not reach him. Why did I not move the furniture? What was wrong with me? I still think that I should have reported something that I missed. I feel I let him down big time. I told our doctor and he said I was being ridiculous! He said I extended his life for several years. That did not help. Nothing anyone says takes away the guilt. So Mitch, you are not alone. We know that Tammy and Al forgive us. We just want what we had so, so much.

The wounds don't heal! I live in a big city and everything is close by. On my way to the health club (where Al and I used to go) I pass our favorite restaurant, one of the theaters we uses to attend, the grocery stores, church, etc.. I made it today with no tears. Then I saw a woman that had not been there for a while. She called me over and asked me where my friend was. I told her my husband died . Then the tears flowed and are still flowing. Yeah!! Where is he??

Hi Ardeer, some days are so much worse for no apparent reason. The other day I picked up some food at a local restaurant. Al and I used to go there and knew the owner and some waitresses. I have been there several times since he died and it was tolerable...just the normal crying. This time I barely made it to the car. Cried hard all the way home. Why was this time different? Don't know. This is such a hard journey!

Just noticed again that the monitor recording Al's pacemaker/defibrilator device is still plugged in and lit up. Anyone think it is time to remove it? I wonder what signals they are getting. Maybe I am pretending that he is still here and everything is normal?

I joined a knitting club and went once. It seemed like a good idea then. The people are all very nice, but I just did not fit in. They talk about their families, husbands and things they are doing. I have none of that and I do not do anything anymore. I do not think that they would be fascinated to know that I finally did some laundry and dishes. For me those are big deals, now. I was supposed to go today and I found all sorts of excuses why I just could not. Maybe I could tell them that after 5 months I finally sat in the loveseat where Al and I sat every night. I used to knit and he would play his mandolin. Then watch TV. It is just so hard.

I got a bargain. Al had a pre-arranged cremation. I got 2 boxes for free.

We all want the same thing...to have them back. I went to Aldi's today and felt so bad because we always went together. Nothing seems good anymore. Al has been gone for 5 months and I am waiting for it to get a little better. My kids from a previous marriage have no idea how sad and lonely I am. I tell them, but it just does not register. Al was so good to them and their kids for the last 16 years.

I feel so alone in all this pain. My friends are sick of my grief. My niece has been very good, but as soon as I mention how much I miss Al, she texts me one of thse little sad faces. No words. It is too bad that they all do not understand? at all.

yesterday I shocked a friend when I told her that I have Al's ashes in the back room. He wanted them spread in his home town in Pa. I did not know I could make that trip, so I just brought them home for now. I would like mine mixed with his and then bury them or scatter them. She kept asking, "not even in an urn?" She genuinely was shocked. Maybe I lost another friend!

Kay,. Good luck to your very lucky dog(to have as his mom). I am thinking of getting a dog. I wanted one before Al died. Al did not because Al was completely blind the last year and was afraid of tripping over a dog and falling.

mandeldog, marg you both express so much that is true for all of us. Our loved ones were ripped from us and things will never be the same. We hope things get easier, but still wonder if that will happen.

Thanks Andre for sharing this beautiful tribute to your Margaret! They were all gone too soon.

iheartm, I feel so useless. The days go by and I feel like I am worth nothing to anyone. I hate this feeling and this life. I have some friends, but they really do not understand this horrible journey.

Today it seemed that everything I did used to involve Al. I went to the Post Office and then the gas station, both things I always went with Al. Then the health club, again always with Al. Visited a friend in a nursing home after stopping to get us sundaes. Always with Al. Ordered a dinner for take out from our favorite restaurant. Our favorite waitress waited on me. It is hard to think it will ever get better. Now I am safe in my house to be alone all night. I used to have Al and was never alone.

We all wish they could come home. Some days every thing bothers me.. If I hear on the news of something that happened a year ago, I think, "Al was here then". Or just the Month change..."Al was here last March". There is nothing that does not make me think of him.

Guilt is a big issue with me, too. I do not know how to get rid of it. I tried so hard but keep thinking I should have noticed something that the doctors did not. Al was so dependent at the end. Couldn't walk, blind and oh so many problems. I felt he needed me so much and I let him down.

thanks, Butch for sharing your great news and the beautiful picture. Gin

At the beginning of this terrible journey, I wished I had gone first. Then I realized what a mess Al would have been in. He was almost completely blind, could barely walk, could not drive. Who would have helped him? No one I know of. He would have hated a nursing home. Between the two of us, we got along reasonably well. So, if we could not both go at the same time, I guess this was the kindest for Al. Certainly not for me.

Yesterday my friend told me to enjoy the nice weather, like that would happen. Then she told me to get out and take a walk. She knows I have a torn meniscus and can barely hobble around. Sometimes people just don't think.

Marg,. I am not young, either. 76. I am devastated by all this. We just have to do the best we can. I went to a restaurant where Al and I always went. I called ahead to pick it up. The owner asked how I was doing. I don't think I even answered him. Then our regular waitress came over and asked the same. I almost made it back to the car. I cried hard all the way home. It is so hard.