Gin

Butch,. this journey is so hard. I lost my husband 4 months ago and it still hurts so much. This week I decided to try to act like the rest of the non-grieving world. I went to a knitting club. They make things for shelters, hospitals, etc. I made it through 1/2 of the meeting and made an excuse why I had to leave. They all still had their mates and the kind of lives we used to have. I cried all the way home.

Sure is, Gwen. Too bad we all don't live close to each other.

hH yes the weekends are so lonely. I am trying to fill up some time and joined a book club. I am going to another one tomorrow. At the one tomorrow, they also knit. I wanted to go to a grief group,but I had a hard time finding one in the daytime. Nothing will take his place, but I can't just stay in the house. Days go by and I do not see another human. No way to live.

The nights are so lonely and sad. Lately, the mornings are terrible. It is so hard to reach over and he isn't there---and won't be. If I cough or make some noise, I think,"Hope that did not wake him---oh yeah, he isn't here anymore". It is hard to think that it can get better.

Mitch, I always feel like I failed Al, also. He had so many problems and I thought we were dealing with it all. I kept telling the doctors about all his symptoms, but nothing was working. His feet, legs, thighs swelled and he went to the hospital to get IV diuretics. The swelling went down and I thought he was better. A few days later he died. He lost his vision the last few months and was so dependent on me. I keep thinking I let him down. We have to believe that we did our best. We would have given anything to help them and I am sure that Tammy and Al knew that. It is so very hard.

Kaye,. Thanks for your suggestion about the GPS. I actually have one, but I was not going that far and thought I would be OK. I was going to the town where my other daughter lives. Somehow, I got all messed up. Brain fogged up. Did not even know which direction I was going. I will always bring it with from now on. We are on a hard road with lots of bumps in it. Gin

Karen, thanks for your thoughts. This sure is a hard journey for all of us.

One good thing. My daughter works with disabled adults. Group homes and workshop. Most of these people have almost nothing. We packed up a few bags of Al's shirts, shoes and coats to give them. They were so excited to get some "new" things. She sent me a picture of one of them wearing Al's coat. This one has to wear a protective head helmet. Al would have liked that.

My husband has been gone 4 months and some days it seems like yesterday. Anything out of the ordinary sets me off. I drove my daughter to her job after she visited me today. I got lost coming home and got very upset. She has a new cell phone and I did not have her new number in my phone. I had absolutely no idea how to get home. I pulled into a shopping center and could not park. I asked 2 people and they were not sure. I always counted on Al for directions. Finally a nice man figured out how I should go. I will never go out of the neighborhood again without a detailed map. Things that would be a nuisance are now a calamity. I was crying because I was lost and crying because Al was not here to help me. I am really bad with directions and should probably stay home. Gin

Al and I were also so very close that it is so hard without him. I have been sick this week with a bad cold and cough. I sure miss him even more now. Just someone who cares and is watching out for you, even if he could not do much. He was blind near the end but he got around by "feel". It is amazing how much he actually did in his condition. This is sure a hard time for all of us.

Anne,. Isn't it a shame that this is our life, now? It seems so unbearable at times.

Life seems so heavy most of the time. I am trying to see some positive thing each day. Here are a few. I went to the health club the other day and saw a young man who had a stroke when he was in his twenties. He is paralyzed from the waist down and is in a wheel chair. He used to use an arm machine when Al and I went there. He would have to wait for a staff person to take the machine apart so he could push his wheelchair in position. Whenever Al saw him, he would go over and take the macine apart for him,,,removing the seat and foot rests. I did it a few times and I found it hard. Near the end, it must have been hard for Al also. Yesterday this gentle young man made a special effort to push himself to where I was to tell me how sorry he was to hear about Al. His speech is affected and it is hard for him to talk. I thought that was very thoughtful. My friend went to Texas to visit her sister. She is so kind to call me every day. Her sister plays the violin. She knew that I liked the haunting melody that was played on the Civil Was series. Her sister played the song for me over the phone...not sure of the name...Ashaton Farewell?? What a nice treat. My daughter invited me for lunch today. It was just me, my daughter, granddaughter and son-in-law. All of a sudden my grandson came in from college. Someone was coming home for the weekend and he got a ride with him. I told him that he knew I would be there so that is why he came. Even those these are so minor compared to having my husband, they were nice. The loss and loneliness are so overwhelming.

No distractions worked for me today! My computer got hacked last night and Al would have been the one who would have helped me. I decided to stay at home and work on it. I thought that the distraction would have helped.. Well, it did not. I finally figured out how to group contacts and sent out email to most of my friends to watch out and do not open links inside the e-mail. Then I went to the health club for a while. Another distraction, but only momentarily. I ran in to a few people who knew Al and wanted details. Goodbye distraction. Then I went to our regular grocery store and had memories. MEMORIES!!! Then stopped to get lunch at a drive thru where we always went. AGAIN. THEN home to the empty house. Had at least 3 crying spells before I even got home. Every thing I do has those memories. I hope they will sometimes be welcome, but now it is just so painful not having him. Then I foolishly look at pictures stored on my computer, and the memories explode. It does not seem as though these distractions help at all anymore. Al would have liked it that all you kind folks are out there helping me get through this. I am glad that he did not have to endure all this pain.

Thanks Janka, Brad and Kay. I spent alone time with my memories. Someday they will be happy, but not yet.

I miss the touching, snuggling, holding hands, etc.. It is hard to think that it is gone forever, but I guess it is.

Brad..what is a Fairy Garden and WWDD?

Thanks to all of you, my new friends. My husband played the mandolin and loved mandolin and guitar music. I have not wanted to hear music since he died, but tonight I will play one of his favorite albums...Chet Atkins and Les Paul. I have a special candle from our wedding and a few pictures set up. I will say a few prayers thanking God for letting me share life with him for 16+ years, although I certainly wanted a lot more. We usually went to our favorite Chinese restaurant on his birthday. Then on the weekend we would have the family over and have an Unbirthday party for every one else. We would go the Dollar Store and get little silly gifts for everyone. Al would write poems and put them on all the gifts giving clues to the contents. We would play the Alice in Wonderland CD to show the kids the Unbirthday sequence. This is the first birthday without him, but I sure have great memories, even though they hurt right now. I will have a glass of wine and toast him.

Thanks Kay. These are hard days. kevin- I will have some wine instead of the beer...Riesling.

My husband Al's birthday is tomorrow. I will be alone and wondered how all of you honored your loved ones on their day. I was thinking of lighting a candle (the one used at our wedding) and reading something to him. Maybe toast him with a glass of wine. Have his picture there. I was going to watch a video from one of our trips, but I don't think I can do that, yet. He has been gone 3+ months.

I am also plagued with guilt. My husband had so many things wrong. He had multiple doctors. Cardiologist did not think all his problems were from heart failure. Neither did his internist. All the docs that saw him in the hospital did think so. I keep thinking that I should have reported something to them. He had filled up with fluid and they seemed to have solved that. His pressure kept dropping. I would think they could have given him something to raise it. Anyway, I just felt that I let him down. His internist said that I took such good care of him that I probably gave him extra years. That did not take away the guilt I feel. Maybe I should have changed doctors. It is hard to think that maybe there was something I could have done and he would still be with me. gin

Al and I used to go out to eat usually 3 times/week. Now I never go. I might order something to be delivered. It sure is different not having your loved one with you. Alone is no fun.

People always say to remember all the good times. That makes me sadder because I do not have it any more. They just do not understand!

wi am not ready for music, yet...if ever. Al played the mandolin. The last week in the hospital he would not let them stick his left fingers for blood sugar because it would affect his playing. He certainly intended on coming home. No music for me for now.

Isn't it terrible that we have to kill time? I count how many hours I have to deal with until the day is over (I hope ).

I feel my so-called life is dribbling away. i do so little of any worth. Days go by and I do not interact with anyone. I live in my bedroom..TV. books, bathroom and kitchen close. I used to talk to a lot of people on the phone, but that is getting less and less. They are getting tired of my whining. I try to go out somewhere every day, but it seems so pointless. I do not look forward to anything. Al and I had such a full life before. People used to say that they were tired just hearing about all the things we did. Now I am very boring.