Mom's angel

Yes, I feel the same. My mom is the main center of my family. She is the heart of my family. When she died the heart stopped beating, we still don't know where are we heading.. It's like we are living for each other. There are certain things that comes attached with grief.. Guilt is one of them. I don't know why you feel guilty but its OK to love our surviving parent more as they have lost their significant other and they are under much pressure and grief and they cannot even break down as they have to support their children. Your mom will also be happy if you take care of her husband In absence of her. My mom always told me that if something happens to her, I should take the best care of my father (I never liked it when my mom discussed something about her death but now I'm glad that she did so as I at least have an idea about what she wanted).

Wolfskat, You went through loss after loss.. I can only imaging how hard it would have been. When such thing happens it seems like life is playing game to see how long can we survive. When we don't have anyone to turn to, that's when we are ready to give up.. Life tricks you in such a way that you cannot live or cannot died. You just have to continue.. I saw this picture (below) once when my mom was alive.. I didn't noticed it much or didn't even understood it deeply but know I clearly understand the picture and seems like I am pretty much doing the same.

No its not strange, it's okay. From the day she died I constantly felt her presence around me and it's so strong and comforting, I cannot explain it to someone but I know it's her. I saw two dreams about her (I mentioned them in special days forum). I still look for sings and when I feel something I believe it's her. I'll pray for you, hope you'll soon receive sings from your mother.

I always send messages on my mom's phone.. And put her phone near me. Yesterday when I was typing something and just sent it, my brother was there and he thought I was casually sending messages so he replied with a 'hii'.. For a moment I thought my mom replied me. In just one second I had every emotions swirling around me. Then I suddenly looked at my mom's phone and realized it was him. I started crying.. My brother still apologize for this.

Thank you amw25, after my mom died I was not able to be in our old house as everything I see or do was reminding me that she's dead and will never be with me.. At times when I go deep I cannot even breathe, it starts paining physically. We shifted to new house (the house in which we were planning to settle down with my mom in December). Now my mind is playing tricks.. No matter how hard I try to make my self realize that she is no more, deep inside I'm thinking that she is in our old house and I'll meet her when I'll go there. I always have that anxiety type feeling of having to go there but whenever I went there I cannot stop crying. I don't know if you understand this as I'm not so good in putting my feelings in words but this is what I feel.

I understand what you are going through. In the initial time You just don't know anything, you don't feel anything and you also feel everything. Every minute you forget what happened and then suddenly realize what has happened. For me the pain is increasing everyday.

Maybe you should frame pictures of you&your brother and hang them in your house. Start writing a dairy about the things he did for you,how much he meant to you and important stuff like that. Tell your kids about your brother, tell them about the sacrifice he made for you. Celebrate his birthday or day that was important for him. Ask your mom to tell you some joyful moments from your childhood. I don't know but I think this might help.

Hollowheart, I'm here to listen to you whenever you feel like sharing something,... At least that much I can do☺.

Birthdays are hard. I don't know why but most death are around or near a person's birthday or some featival. My mom's birthday is in Oct and she died in Nov.. She just turned 42. Blaming comes from the thought that "there was this one thing that if I would have not done or would have done then she might be alive".. I have gone through it. But there's nothing we can do about it and that hurts.

Though our losses are different but our feelings are same.. Mornings and nights are the hardest part.. I be wide awake at night with all her thoughts and in the morning waking up with the reality that the dream I just saw about me and her being together was not real.. I do forget sometimes that she's no more and then realizes the truth, this thing seriously hurts. I got to go to college on monday as they are calling me.. They all thing I'll be normal once I start back my normal routine. Normal? How? Normal was when she was with me.. They don't understand that doing the same routine thing without a person who was a major part of your 'normal' routine is not easy and in no ways will make me 'normal'.

They don't have any grief support kind of thing

So true,2016 was just 1month and few days away when my mom died. It's like I'm leaving my life behind in 2015. 2016 just don't feel right..when the important things were going to happen in my life, the most important person was taken away. I understand your feelings hollowheart. They all text happy new year to me but I didn't liked that. The same thing will happen on my birthday now.

Thank you Marty, I would love to read them.

After somedays of mom's death we went to my uncle's house, a girl in the neighborhood came to talk to me as she lost both her parent's when she was a child, the only things she said was " you'll have to live with the loss." I have thought about that men in black device many a times? but than I thought about the beautiful memoires we had and neglected the thought.

Thank you, I guess I need a little time. I'll continue few days later. Yes, grief group might help and I'm searching for it but it seems like there are no such groups around me.

I feel the same. People celebrating and enjoying and I feel hurt sometimes seeing them.. The loss of that one person that made 90% of myself numb, isn't even a thing to consider by the people. Everyone be like "I know it's hard but you should be strong and move on" First of all they don't know how hard it is, secondly being strong doesn't come in tablets or pills so that I will take one and be strong.. And thirdly move on? Move on from who,? From the memories that are the only thing I'm left with, from the person who is my life, forgetting her is not something that my heart would allow. May be they are trying to help me, but wrong words coming from someone who is not in the same position are annoying.

Its been 17days since I'm not going to college.. Friends told me that they had started the important things & practicals and I'm missing out and I should come, But I don't feel like going.. Is 17 days too much? Or is it okay to not to go until I feel so? I know how it felt when I went for the exams and I didn't liked that. I don't know if I'm missing out studies or what, But I sure that I'm ignoring college as I feel so different from all the students that roam there laughing and enjoying their life.. I feel like a stranger among them all..

Thank you,

Sorry..! It meant ceilli..

Thank you Ceiling, Festival now don't feel good as they were before, once they used to be the days were joy doubles but now they are days were grief doubles. It feels so bad to step in to new year without her, I so badly wish her back in my life, I'm willing to give everything to god if he makes it so.. that I wake up and it all be just a dream. peace to you too.

I can relate to you. It's so hard to lose someone who was like your other half, someone who understood everything about you. Life's so lost. I also understand the thing about feeling depressed after getting a car because your sister's not with you. I so wanted to finish the college and get a job because I wanted to give mom my first salary, my first earned money, the thought that everything will happen accordingly just she'll not be here.. hurts. You should hold on for yourself, for your sister, for those who loves you.. I'm doing the same for my father and brothers. Sorry, if I said something wrong.

Losing mom is hard. Watching her videos or listening to her voice notes brings tears but I love to watch her.. I don't want even the slightest detail about her to be forgotten by me as time passes and so I keep on recollecting all our memories.

Yes, very special

I'm not talking about birthday or anniversary but yes today is a special day. Today I had the most amazing dream about my mom. I dream about her every night but the one I saw today and the other I saw a few days ago were different. After she died I had normal dreams about me and her being together like we used to but one morning I just feel asleep and saw my mom was preparing something in the kitchen..I was completely aware of the fact that she is dead and it is a dream. I went up to her and sat on a chair and started crying.. She turned up to me and asked the usual question-she always asked when I cry, it was in Hindi but it meant- baby why are you crying?.. What happened my baby? I said "you are dead right,? I saw you dead." Hearing this she sat on the chair near me and was sad, as if all the past days she was hiding the fact that she's dead from me and was living a normal life with me in my dreams. I apologized for not being able to do anything for her, I kissed her on the forehead (it was so real) and said we'll always be together and she agreed.. I don't know why but I said goodbye and then I was awake. After this dream for 6-7days I didn't had any dream about her.. Not even a single one. I was so sad, maybe she was trying to ease the pain for me by being with me and not letting me feel the reality. Then today in the morning I again dreamt about her. This time she came as an angel.. She was glowing so golden as if a spotlight was on her. She was wearing the same dress which I was wearing yesterday( as I was feeling very sad,depressed and was missing her that day so I thought about wearing her dress). She looked so beautiful and happy.. She had a big smile?on her face. (For few days I was in a dilemma about a thing, it was so confusing and I was unable to find a way.) She sat beside me in our old house, my brother was sitting next to me.. I told him that look how real mum felt even though its a dream and he touched her hand and agreed while my mum was laughing all the time. Then she gave the answer to my confusion. It was so obvious as if she was giving me hints that I should do that. I abruptly woke up as someone knocked our door. I then asked my brother if he had any dream today.. He said "yes, it was about our mummy and we were sitting in our old house talking and laughing together." I know it was her.. She's always with me. She in no ways can be without her little girl whom she loves so much and she came to help me out of the confusion. This all dreams are so beautiful..I wish I could live in dreams with her rather than living in the real life without her.