Mom's angel

kayc, they don't have a special advisor and they rest of the staff knows how good I was in exams before my Mom died and so they are all convincing me to give It a try. But it is easy for them because they are not in the same situation. I'll definitely read her post if that helps.thanks Enna, that's true the grief will never go always but just 3months into it I feel so confused. It is so hard to focus on studies when the pictures from her death are haunting me. And besides all this I feel that this study thing is useless, the goal of my life is destroyed and I see no destination. Life has slapped me so hard. Yes, I'm at the end of the semester and this is the last semester, if I complete this semester then I'll have my degrees. They all know that I'm struggling and are supportive as well, they say I can do it, they say I will pass even if I go through the notes once but they are not getting it, it's not that easy. They are all forcing me to complete this two months in which there will be four exams- 2theory 2practicals. I know they are all trying to help me but it gets annoying sometime. I owe my triumphs to my mom, I had the ability to do or win anything when she was with me. Without her I'm nothing. I have lost all my confidence. I don't have a grief counselors, I'm trying hard to find one, a grief group will also help but I cannot find that too. There is no one around me who has lost a parent at a young age. Thanks for replying.

I cannot seem to handle things anymore, I need time for my own self, my own grief. I cannot take the stress of exams now. At some point I thought I would do it somehow but now I know I cannot do it anymore, my exam is after 4days, for the first time in my life I'm so close to an exam and I haven't prepared for it. There is no point in talking to the college authorities as they will all say that I should do it, it's better doing it then not Trying at all. But I don't feel like doing it. I don't know what to do, I'm blank right now. Any suggestions are welcomed. Thanks.

We all are living our lives for the hope of meeting our beloved again in heaven. I know that it hurts, somewere we are all on the same path.

No you are not crazy. You have helped me many times in my grief. You are not crazy. The stronger the love the harder the grief. The bond between you and your mom is very strong, I have read many people saying that grief has no time limits, it definitely does not have any time limit, feel the pain, let your self cry, maybe after some years you'll see how far you have reached in your journey and be proud of your self for managing things so well. Your words hurts me, I know I'm no one to say all this to you as I'm myself only 3 months in my grief journey, But sometimes it's not the time, the months or the years who decides how we will grive, it's our love, the bond, the affections and most importantly our own selves that has to feel the grief and let ourself go through it. I wish that you soon receive a sign from your mom. Takecare.

Today I talked with my Granny about my mom's childhood. Though I was familiar with most of the memories (as I have heard them from my mom) it was so beautiful to hear them again. I love hearing her name or her stories again and again. However at the end the unbearable, painful truth was standing there, ready to knock me down again.

I too have lost trust in hospitals and even in doctors. They kept saying that my mom is going to be fine, they made us trust them and then all of a sudden they said they cannot do anything.??!! The view of the same hospital or any hospital feels me up with sadness, guilts, anger and fear. My mom was young too, she was just 42.. I just got 20 years with her. I'm changed in such a way that I can never go back to the old me, I hate this new me. Now I won't see hospitals as a place that provides life but rather as a place where my mom died.

This is the first time I'm sharing a link, I could relate to it very well, hope it will help someone. http://glittergraceandgardenias.com/2016/01/my-surviving-self/

I lost my mom on Nov 20-2015, she was 42. I know our situation are different but I also feel the same anxiety when I try to study or focus on one thing, the only solution I found out to help me is by studying or focusing on things while sitting next to her large sized picture, I look at her picture often, talk to her picture in the same way I used to talk to her. I tell myself that now she has no limits and she'll be with me everywhere I go, I also imaging her standing right next to me whenever I go out for some work. I constantly imaging her presence. This all things have helped me. See if you can try some. After her death, I travelled for the first time without her, I was just thinking about her and I closed my eyes to sleep, in some second I didn't even imaging her but I could see her standing next to me, she was looking like an angel and smiling. So I believe she is always, everywhere with me. Sometimes our beloved show us their presence and sometimes they don't but believe me they are always with us.

Kayc, I feel for you. Oh god, I don't know what I will be doing on that day. Are you planning to celebrate it or give her some kind of tribute?

Okay so I just received another sign by my mom, I had a dream just now, I was at my new house and I was sitting outside, my mom came in a different form and called me by my nick name (the name she usually use to call me) I went closer and the form said that it is my mom, I asked for verification, I told it to say something that only my mom and I knew, to my surprise it said so, I begin howling, crying and opened the gate and ran towards it, then it transformed into my mom, I hugged her and cried harder, she kissed me on my forehead and wiped my tears ( it was a brief moment) , then she slowly started walking away saying goodbye, as she was moving away I suddenly realized about asking her for my apology, I asked her if she was angry at the things that happened, she turned with a smile saying no. Then she disappeared.

I believe in life after death. When I don't receive signs I think that lots of energy would be needed by them to show us a sign, so they keep collecting the energy in order to give us a sign when needed the most, so maybe they are collecting it now so as to give a sign at the right moment, may be they know that at some point in near future we will be needing it more. I don't know if you get this ( my thought are little childish though?). But yeah, this is what I think.

No Kayc, she did everything I said her to do -diet exercise. I'm saying that I thinks she might have found this annoying, She didn't died because of her high bp, this problem was years ago and was mostly in control, she was very health. I know my father and brothers were with her and the guilt I'm feeling is nothing compared to the guilt that I see in their eyes, There was a delay in an important discission that we took, that was the major cause of what has happened. My mom was never at fault, it was us that were at fault. I trusted the doctors who said everything was in control while in real it was all getting worst. That's why I feel like that.

No deb, I can constantly see the sadness and pressure in my brother's eyes, his is the eldest son in my family, I know he is not showing his pain. I was with my mom all the time, except the last day. I hate myself for not being there. My father and brothers were with her but I know she would have wanted me there. I constantly feel guilty, I always wonder about the ways I could have changed what has happened. Her life was in our hands, I felt so helpless, I constantly feel like I could have saved her. I hate myself for that. I also think that I was a bit annoying to her as I constantly tell her the right kind of diet and won't let her eat fast food, she had high bp( it was mostly in normal range because of diet, exercise and tablets). I constantly buzzed around her, I love her so much, we were like sisters, we loved each others company but I couldn't take care of her, I hate myself for letting her go, I hate my self for not being there on her last day, she was my life and now I'm just a body without a soul.

Deb, I had to do the same help for my brother's wedding. I missed my mummy every second. All that I was thinking about was of the things she would have done if she was here, all the time i was having flashs of her bright smiling face. It is the first wedding in my family, I hate how she is not here. I know Kay is helping us a lot but it would be a lie if I say I understand, I'm doing okay because I don't understand And I'm not okay. I want to scream so loud, I want her back, I'm grown up I know but I need her so bad in my life, It kills me to do things alone which once I did with her, I hate how I have to be strong in front of everyone, I hate it when people call me strong, brave or when the say they are proud of me for handling things so well because that's not what the truth is, it's just I don't show them because I know once I let it out in front of them they won't be able to control me, I cannot do that because it will break the hearts of those who loves me. Dave, I'm glad your doing what your heart says, forgiving and apologizing form heart is not an easy thing but you're doing it and that's so nice. I wish you peace of mind. My mummy's mother and father are still alive and my father's mom is also living till date. There is no one in our relatives who have lost their parents at a young age.

Happy birthday Marty..!!

Thank you so much Janka, it means alot.

But it's getting worst day by day.

Kayc, it's so nice of you to share your experience and guide me, right now I find it cruel to even think of me being OK with my life and doing OK with my day to day work, may be 20years from now I will find myself in that position where I will be able to look back and remember the happy memories rather then the painful experience. I wish I too die soon. I wish god soon needs a flower like me in his garden so that I can bloom next to my mom. This world does not attract me anymore. The thought of going to the other world seems so pleasing. Sometimes people around us makes it so difficult, negativity seems to be more influencing then positivity. The only thing that gives me relief is the fact that I too will die some day, I wish that day comes asap so that I can meet her, tell her what I been through without her, hug her tight and cry as much as I want and then I will never cry again, we'll be happy ever after.

Deb and kayc, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate you taking the time to read and care to reply. Deb I feel for you. Kayc you've been through so much and you've managed to get through it and still going. I know I should have courage, but I cannot now, from what you said I may get better but right now it seems impossible. I'm living that too faced life, the calm, composed, Strong girl in front of the world and the weak, coward, cry baby when I'm alone. I still need her. The thought of living so many years without her are suffocating me. I used to be with her all the time, When she was alive I was not able to see fictional deaths of someone's mother as it made me emotional and now I'm living the nightmare. My brain has became my enemy, it makes me believe that mom's not dead and when I believe it , it hits me with the truth , the horrifying truth of her death. I constantly want to ask someone, why is all this happening? Why can't it be a dream only? Was I given this life to suffer this pain? It was her first major health issue, it was the first time. Why were my prayers not heard? Why no miracle happened that time? I know no one can give me the answers. I hate everything around me, people of my age are having a perfect life and my perfect life is destroyed. Sorry, I said too much. Thanks for the reply though.

Thank you Marty.I'll definitely read that.

Thank you so much deb, your words means alot. I know I'm being negative, I was not like this, I'm not what I was before. That girl died with her mom. I'm just a body and the burden of the body seem to much to carry around. I'm literally shaking all the times, I have lost all my confidence. Everything around me takes me straight to the memory attached with her, having the memory is not the bad part, the realization of her being no more is the worst part. I'm taking one day at a time but at night everything shatters. Her suffering, her pain, all the things she went through are killing me. I don't know but I won't last longer.

I don't know what to do. I won't be able to continue without her. I don't want to. This sudden attacks of grief are almost constant. I cannot do it. I just wish I be able to survive until my time of death comes but it seems so hard. I want to meet her so bad.

Beth, I also feel robbed off. I hate how every thing is changed. I wish she was with me, I don't understand why this happened?! Her struggle in her final days, her pain, the picture of the time when I saw her dead are all haunting me. May be you're feeling like that (about settling down) because you just lost your mom, who cared about you, loved you(she still do, all mothers do, even after death) and now it's all gone and you want that feeling, emotions back. I feel different, I don't want to settle down right now, I like spending time on my own. I feel like the other will not understand me, they will never know about my mom, what a beautiful person she is, how much she loved me. I feel like no one will ever be able to understand the bond my mom and I shared, the pain I am in, the emptiness I feel without my best friend, my mom. We were different, only we both knew what we were and now the other part of me is lost. All the secrets I shared with her are gone forever, I don't think I will ever be able to open up and share my feelings to someone else as much as I was comfortable with my mom.