Mom's angel

I couldn't remove the quote, that was by mistake*

I understand Marg M, I'm doing the same thing but I'll also have to face it sometime. I'm glad you have your family with you, having a supportive and loving family helps a lot, my family is the reason I'm trying, they love me a lot. The only thing that bothers me is the long life that lies before me, If I ever meet death soon, I would be so much pleased as it will reunite me with my lovely mom.

The day my mom died I tried to run away to go to someplace alone. I didn't know if I was going to come back or not but I didn't succeeded and from then on no one left me alone. I won't do something like that now. After that I stayed in my bed for straight 13days, I didn't even wanted to eat but everyone forced me to. I would have stayed for long in the bed but for some important work we had to go to another city, I went there in the same clothes I was wearing from the day my mom died. All I was doing those days was sleeping and crying. I'm saying this because I think it was okay and needed. The time was required. You also require some time to be able to function again but you're doing good, you also did you work and it would have required lot of strength to focus again but you tried and that was good. 2 months and 2days have gone by after her death and I haven't watched TV yet.

When she was alive I remember having a dream about her death, I cried so much that morning and found it very difficult to talk about the dream with her but then I told her what I saw, she comforted me and then explained to me that if her time comes she has to leave but she also promised me that she won't leave me so soon.. I never thought the reality would be so much much worse. Like you, I could normally spend some hours without her as I have been with her for the rest of the time but now it has been months without her and it's killing me. I want her back.

Kayc, yes that can be a reason but she seemed fake. I guess some people do that, like a friend of mine said that she also had a dream about my mom( it was good though), she said my mother was smiling, but like deb1 and you said, why would my mother appear in their dreams rather than in mine. People don't understand how deep something can affect someone who is grieving. Thanks beth for your concern. I also haven't thought about her earlier death, I always thought that when I'll grow old and she'll be too old we'll both hang out together. It's always seems unfair especially when we see other's with their mom.

Thank you all so much for helping me, it means a lot. I know I'm bothering you all but for me every explanation is leading to another unanswered question. I need time, maybe at some point in my life I would be able to understand and find peace but I'll miss her always. Thank you again

Thanks deb1, first I would like to congratulate you for your marriage. I know that will hurt even I will have to go through the same at some point in my life but I'm sure that our moms will always be with us though not physically but in every other way possible. God bless you. I have two elder brothers, one of them is getting married in march, it's such a big event in his life and we are all going through all types of emotions. I also think that the dream my aunt saw was fake.. I know and I believe my mom is happy. I'll try not to think about that. l also like lighting a candle. Talking to her is comforting but not getting reply hurts however some special things happens sometimes that are just awesome.

The same is happing to me.. I'm counting everyday.. Time is not just passing by, every minute is heavy. I fear forgetting the sweet memories with my mother that's why I write them down. I was doing okay but yesterday some relatives of mine showed up.. There was this aunty whom i never liked and she said that she had a dream about my mother. She said my mother was sitting in a corner and crying. I hate it how she made it seem, I felt like she was lying but I'm very much tensed about that.

That's really good Beth, I also write about my mom. I know that is comforting and it is very nice that you're finding your own ways in your grieving process.

Marty,thank you, I read that article.. It came out as the questioning part was more easy to understand rather then the explanation given. I cannot seem to trust the journey that takes sudden turns leaving me numb. I think I need to give myself time as kayc said.. Maybe than I'll be able to understand it( I hope so). Kayc, I often read posts in this forum but don't comment as I know it's different but I read this post and I cannot seem to avoid the questions that came in my mind, that's why I asked. I get what you meant to say, I should give myself time to understand all this. A part of me thinks exactly like this: "even if God himself came down and told me exactly why Jim had to die ...... the reason would not be good enough for me. Ever" And the other part wants to know the reason behind my mom's death. I have asked the same questions to many people and all they say is "it was God's will, we cannot do anything and you'll have to be strong" As a result I have stopped asking such things..

Kayc, Yes she is.. She is the most precious person in my life... She is the best and I'm really thankfully to god for choosing her as my mother but what I meant to say is that I read the above post.. So I'm asking is it because I didn't love god as much as I loved my mom, the reason behind her death? Does god wanted me to love him more then her? Or does he wanted me to be independent? I read that article Marty, thank you.. I could relate to it. Its just that I cannot find a reason for what has happened, I'm constantly searching for a reason.

So is it like, I loved my mom more than god and that's why he took her with him? But aren't mothers considered as high as god? I was all dependent on her, I seriously loved her more than anything in the world. So was it because of my love that she had to leave? I also heard her voice, three times..I was preparing tea in the morning and I heard her voice.. I didn't understood what she said but it was clearly her voice. Then somedays later I was getting ready in my room and I heard her calling me from the hall.. I just went there to check and nothing was there. Once I heard her voice from inside the house when I rang the doorbell. I even had dreams about her.

Yes, I'm doing okay, probably that's what people like us tell other people with normal life, You can understand what I mean. My mom was 42 when she passed away. Your mom died unexpectedly, that leaves so much emptiness behind. My mom too died unexpectedly. She was very healthy... I cannot talk about her death. But all I can say is that it was super super shocking to me and my family.. Even after the day she died all I think about was "mom's in the hospital, She'll be okay and come home soon ?". Whenever I see girls with their moms, I just keep starring at them... I once used to be like them, happy with my mom and now I'm not. There is a huge change in my personality. Too much about me?. I hope you're doing well too.

Hello Beth, Losing your mom before Christmas would have been so hard. When I lost my mom a festival was being celebrated here. I know how bad that feels. I just turned 21and I too live with my family. I was so close to her, she died on Nov 20 2015 I also stay awake at night, sometimes I don't sleep at all or somedays I sleep all the time. That's normal I guess, one cannot function normally after losing a big, great and important part of life.

Even the thought of that is pleasing . It would be so nice if we all who actually understands lived near each other. But we don't. But thanks for saying that.

I feel exactly the same. Even though my family was with me and they were trying their best to cheer me..I felt bad, I can't imaging how lonely you might be feeling on your birthday. I was already sad to add up the result of the exam that I gave came today.. Bad. I so badly wished she was with me, she would have comforted me. Miss her so much. At least I'm talking to you, that's making me feel little good.

No, it was worst. I cried the whole day.. (Probably will cry the whole night) I'm so much depressed, I don't know what to do.

So sorry for your mother's loss. But I'm so happy that you have found a loving family. Wishing you courage and strength to go through the grief phase.

Time is so evil, it always flies.. Why didn't it stop when one dies.. Things remain the same for the world its just us who cries.. Missing them in our lows and highs.. Wishing them to come back in disguise Time is so evil it always flies.. Taking us away from the last moment we saw them with our eyes.. People says it will get better but that are lies Nothing gets better just the time flies.. So tomorrow is my birthday, first one without the lady who brought me in this world. I have started receiving the advance birthday messages, they don't mean anything to me as there's no happy in my birthday. I won't lie, I was crazy about my birthday just like a small kid. My mom knew this very well so she always arranged something amazing for me. I hate this day now. I never felt so empty. I feel like what's so good in it, it was important only until she was with me. She gave birth to me, going through lot of pain, it was her new birth.. The day is for her.. It has no meaning without her.

"The Scientist" by coldplay. Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry You don't know how lovely you are I had to find you Tell you I need you Tell you I set you apart Tell me your secrets And ask me your questions Oh, let's go back to the start Running in circles Coming up tails Heads on a science apart Nobody said it was easy It's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be this hard Oh, take me back to the start I was just guessing At numbers and figures Pulling the puzzles apart Questions of science Science and progress Do not speak as loud as my heart Tell me you love me Come back and haunt me Oh, and I rush to the start Running in circles Chasing our tails Coming back as we are Nobody said it was easy Oh, it's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be so hard I'm going back to the start

Thank you so much Wolfskat for those kind words.. They really made me feel better. Thank you again. I don't like to tell people (who know me a little) about my mom's death so I try to be very strong, its like I'm have two personality one for the world and the other one I'm when I'm home. Many of the classmates asked me "where have you been so many day? Were you on holidays?" If find saying 'yes' easier than explaining what has happend. Kayc I so wanted to get up and go out.. At two moments I was so ready to run away then I controlled myself,I didn't wanted to do so in front of the whole class, half of them don't even know about my mom's death and I don't even want to tell them as I have seen a change in their behavior, they look at me with sympathy, they pity me and I don't like that. Marty I even thought about telling her as she was a visiting faculty and didn't know about that, but then I thought that this is just one situation from which I'm able to run but what if there might come situations were I have to face it.., Then I thought about my mom, she would never want to see her girl run away from difficulties. I don't know if I felt right or wrong but it gave me strength to sit there. She is a good lecturer, if my mom was alive and my life was normal then that same lecture would have been normal for me too, may be their situations were right, their life's are perfect, They don't think about the death side, may be they won't feel the pain, it was my situation that made it so hard for me,. I somehow blame god more then I blame people. That poetry could have been taught when I was absent for so many day, she could have chosen any other poem but I feel like god made her choose that one only. I know I shouldn't blame god, he'll keep my mom safely in heaven, but I don't find any other reason. Sorry, I know I'm messing up, but my mind is all messed up.

Going to college is not easy, doing the same routine work without mom is not easy, getting up from the bed, getting dressed up and all that is not easy but somehow I do that. I'm studying about things related to the cause of my mother's death and I don't know how will I be able to focus on my studies. Inspite of all this I somehow manage to go but today was bad .I was feeling low the whole day and then we had one lecture in literature.. It was a poem about how the spirit of a dead women was able to see her funeral and what she felt. Sitting in the class I was at the verge of breaking down, it was like if someone would have asked "are you OK?" I would have started howling right there. I was literally shaking when the 'after death' poem was selected and to add a little extra to the topic the lecturer was going deep in the death topic. They were all joking about how can the women write a poem after she's dead and joking about death, It was killing me inside. I don't know why but every word I listen to somehow leads to the grief of losing my mom.

Mdc0128, Not much difference between us as my mom died on Nov20 and she was only 42. I couldn't bear seeing things or places that made it obvious that she is dead but on the other side I love to see her in videos, pictures and hear her voice. I don't cry and open up in front of those who don't know very much about me, to the close ones I feel no difficulty to open up.. But yes I don't bring out all my feelings because I think that might depress them too. I find it very difficult to talk about or even remember about the time she was in hospital, about what she went through.. It breaks me down.. I just cannot talk about how she died.