spunkye

Dear Janie, Myheart goes out to you and my tears fall for you - I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare...I was holding my husband, telling him it was ok to go, telling him "it's time for your nap now", when he took his last breath...that picture goes over and over in my head...and questions about if only I'd prayed more and believed more that he would get well, he would have. He was on a lot of medication when he died - and I've even blamed myself for maybe killing him, by giving him too much medication. I'm convinced that no matter how much time we had or didn't have with our loved one, it's never the right time for them to die...that whether we were there or not there - it's never the right place to be...that no matter how loving or kind we were (or not), it's never loving or kind enough. I'm convinced that part of our grief include these demons of doubt, and regret, and anger and "if only's"... and everything else that makes us feel s----y! Dear Mary - m,y heart goes out to you too. Feeling bad about not going to his funeral - my husband died August 24, and I still haven't even had a funeral. I can b arely stand to look at a picture of him. He was cremated and I bought an urn plot at a nearby little cemetary - and I haven't ordered a headstone yet. I bought a beautiful purple bottle that I have yet to put some ashes in to keep in my room...I also bought five beautiful little bottles originally to give to his five adult kids with his ashes in - and I have yet to do that. This road we're traveling is winding and confusing - every time I expect something, it turns out a different way. Yes, for the most part people don't understand unless theyve been through it - they don't say I'm being strong - they just say I'm handling it well...they don't know, they don't see!!!...like last night when I couldn't go to sleep, could only cry. But I really do understand that they don't understand - unless they've been through it...I can look back at deaths of friends and family loved ones, feeling really sorry about it, but not getting the entire impact of it. Even my own daughter. Her husband died unexpectedly 3-4 years ago and I remember thinking after a few weeks that she should get on with h er life and start DOING something - and that would help her - thank God I never said anything - NOW it sounds soooooooooooooo callous...especially now when I'll just spend days at a time in my robe and in or on the bed or the chair...not wanting to talk to anyone, even old and caring friends...not wanting to go anywhere. It's getting better - but the sorrow is still here. God bless you all, Love, Benita

Dear Derek, Thanks for your 'thanksgiving' reminders. It's funny, I was just thinking today about gratitude - all that I really do have to be grateful for, and one of the first on the list that came to mind was that Dick was in my life for 10 years - that we had that time together...I am so thankful for that. I also thought about all he taught me...he taught me so much about kindness, friendliness, patience and tolerance...he was such a good man and gave me so much to learn and practice about love. The last few weeks have been more painful than I could ever imagine...but a few days ago, I started feeling a bit better - and for that I am sincerely grateful. Love, Benita

Dear KayC, I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU.....Thank God, you got a job!!! Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love, Benita

Hi Deb, Not a very happy year anniversary coming up, is it? I'm sorry for all your pain. You said something in your last post that startled me - my husband, Dick, ALWAYS said, "That's the best _______I've ever had!"...whether I'd cooked something or someone else had cooked something. It got to be such a joke, that our friends would finish the sentence for him. He was always so sincere when he said it...he was such a sweatheart!!He, too, was brave, and strong - and one of the kindnest and most loving men I've ever known. I'm so thankful for the time we had together...it just wasn't long enough!! Love, Benita

Hi Lauri, I wish I could answer that question. I found myself, yesterday and today, yelling and sobbing and saying "I just want him back!!!! I can't believe this!!! This isn't happening!!!" It is such a nightmare - and he's been gone 2-1/2 months. Earlier on I thought I was feeling better - it's as if it's BEGINNING to sink in - the reality of it, and it's worse than it was in the beginning. I guess it's shock early on - although it doesn't feel like shock - it feels real then too. What a roller-coaster ride we're on. I'll pray for you - you can pray for me Love, Benita

Hi Joanie, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, Mike. 29 years with someone is a long time, and the suddeness of his death must have been such a shock and so hard to deal with. My husband, Dick, and I were married for 9 years - our tenth year anniversary is coming up in December, and he just passed away August 24. He, too, was in hospice - at our home for about three weeks before he died. It was truly one of the most excrutiating experiences of my life...and so unbelievable. I miss him so much - and the pain is quite harsh - the only thing I can give you right now is my understanding and shared grief. For me, prayer has helped eased the pain somewhat - the huge tidal waves of grief keep coming, but reminding myself that God is with me and loves me - and that Dick is in heaven with Him - does help... I'm sorry you had to find this site - but glad that you did. The people here are like family. Love, Benita

Dear Jane, I could no more cook a big holiday dinner with family and/or friends than I could fly to the moon!!! I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving...I can't even think about Christmas - and December 6 would have been our 10th year anniversary...so these times , I think, are difficult for all of us. My advice about the holidays is to let someone take care of you!! You need to heal - as we all do - and it does seem to take time, time, time... God bless, Benita

God bless you, searcher...and thank you for being here. Love, aBenita

Dear KayC, What a terrible time you're having and I'm so sorry this is all happening to you right now. I don't know why it all comes down at once, sometimes.!!! I could barely, barely cope with the loss of my husband and get out of bed, AND take care of all the hundred-and-one things that had to be taken care of shortly after his death...then his three adult daughters got on a 'toot' (I don't know how to explain it without going into pages of details) and I haven't spoken with any of them since...plus they might be trying to sue me...I don't know - but I do know they have a lawyer and, thank God, I have a friend who is a lawyer and can help me out with whatever happens. What I'm going through is bad enough - and it sounds just awful what you're going through. You give so much love and encouragement and support on this site - I wish there was something more I could do for you. Dear God, please be with KayC - your beloved child - and take care of her and let GOOD things start occuring in her life, right now...guide her to her perfect and immediate job, and let your abundant blessings flow into her life now...thank you!! Love, Benita

Dear Laurie, I couldn't go to sleep last night thinking about all the things I SHOULD have done for Dick, all the loving things I SHOULD have said to him, all the touches and hugs and words of appreciation I SHOULD have shown...I know what you're talking about. During my lifetime I've often heard it said that we don't appreciate what we have until we lose it - and it never meant much to me until these last 2-1/2 months...I can hardly believe how much I miss my husband and how often I took him for granted. I still love him so much and I still miss him so much... and my heart still aches so muich...there are a few things that are beginning to make the pain a little more bearable - I'm not holed up in the house 7 days a week anymore, but the most healing and comforting thing I do is pray...talk to God...talk with God...and keep trying to remember I'm NOT alone and I am still loved, and there IS a purpose for my life...and Dick is out of pain and discomfort and sadness - he's so happy and feels so good right now...that's what I believe and it helps. God bless you, Laurie...and I pray that your pain will ease. Love, Benita

I'm sorry, Chrissy - the weekends can be really hard. It makes me feel very annoyed with your sister - sometimes people just don't think of others!!! If we were physically closer, WE could make plans!!! I remember when my daughter was little, there was a group called "parents without partners"...are they still around. I know they used to have outings with the children - men and women - and right off the bat everyone has something in common. Maybe it's worth a look. Love, Benita

Derek - I've missed you too. I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now. I keep thinking, for myself, things are going to get better - but I'll be darned if that's what's happening. Everytime I look at Dick's picture, my heart breaks one more time and I've been on such crying jags!! A friend of mine who lost her husband a few years ago just sent me a card and she said on it, "It does get better"...I just have to trust that and trust God that He can make something good out of heartache and loss and pain. Love you, Derek, Benita

Hi Chrissy, I'm doing the same thing...even though I try not to, my mind goes over and over the last time I saw him in the mortuary and kissed him on the forhead and he was so cold....and the moment of his death - I was holding him with my head on his chest when he took his last breath - and some of the crummy things he and I went through during the last year...I think I've thought of his smile and our hugs and cuddles twice since he died...it's like a nightmare. I mentioned on another message or two, that the last two weeks have been really bad and really hard...that I haven't posted much and I'm really going through it. Sorry I'm not being more positive - I'm depressed and I'm probably depressing everyone else. Sorry, but I do thank you all for being here anyway. Love, Benita

Dear Kay, What a beautiful sentiment - thank you for sharing that. I thought what a good idea it would be if I did that for Dick - I don't know if I could get through it right now, though....the past two weeks have been REALLY rough. Isn't it wonderful, though, that we can look back on all the wonderful experiences we had with our loved one...thank God for those precious memories. Thanks, Kay Love, Benita

Oh, Ann, what a beautiful dream. I wish I could dream dreams like that. The last dream about Dick I remember was that he got mad at me and was going to spend the night at his first wife's house - and as he was leaving I said to someone, 'don't worry - he'll be back tonight'...then I said to myuself, no he won't, he's dead. Yuk. Love, Benita

Hi everyone, Sorting through stuff - yikes - I've started it a couple of times and I can't get very far. There are boxes and boxes of Dick's stuff in the garage that eventually I'll have to go through - butnot now. We had just moved when he got really sick, so most of our stuff was packed. The few boxes in the house that I started to go through, my daughter had to finish for me - I couldn't do it. I did, however, end up with a pair of his shoes - his dress shoes, in my closet and an old ratty cardigan that he loved - won't part with those!. It will just take time and I'm sure there are things that will never leave the house. I've had a couple of really bad weeks - so I haven't been posting much at all. I've missed everyone and I hope everyone is doing ok. Has anyone heard from Jamie? Love, Benita

Hi Laurie, I loved your story about the Christmas box full of cleaning supplies - it sounds like he really had a good sense of humor!! ..and I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad. I know what you're talking about...last week, I spent most of it in bed. Monday, I said I was feeling better and was going to do a lot this week - and I don't know if a day has gone by without my crying. Last night I told God all I wanted to do was see him one more time and tell him I love him -...so when I think I'm feeling better, bam - another crying jag starts. I'm sorry I don't have any words of solace for you today - I've been going through the pits myself. I really do need to find a grief group. I started looking for one last week and will start looking again this week. God bless! Love, Benita

Oh, Chrissy, He is SO adorable!!! God bless both of you - and thank you so much for sharing those pictures...it IS a pick-me-up!! Love, Benita

My dear KayC. I'm so sorry you're in such a sad, depressed and fearful state of mind. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have everything turn around to the positive for you. I like what Lori said about talking to someone and looking into antidepressants. Today is 2 months since my husband, Dick, died, and the last three days have been the pits. I need to join a grief group - I need face-to-face support. That's one of my projects for the day - to start calling churches in the area (and out of the area) to see if there are any grief groups going on. Kay, you give so much love and understanding on this site - so much encouragement and hope - I really hate to see you in such a down place - and I hate the thought of you losing your home. Can you re-finance or get a loan or something?...how old do you have to be to get a reverse mortgage - I know I'm pulling ideas out of my hat, but I so would like to be able to help! Lori also spoke about the possibility of getting a job that maybe doesn't pay as much as you're used to - maybe that's something that could even lead to something better. I think sometimes we just have to put one foot in front of the other - and as hard as it is - to really pray to trust God. Maybe he has a different - and better - plan than you have - than WE have. I have to keep believing that, because right now things look pretty bleak. I keep praying for enthusiasm, for hope, for trust, and for God to continue to heal my heart. Sometimes I feel close to God and sometimes I don't - I think the important thing is that we keep on praying - asking for guidance - regardless of how we feel....feelings are fickle and oftentimes they can't be trusted...the action is what counts, I've found - and to continue to pray regardless of what's going on or how I feel. I haven't been going to church either - every week I say I'm going and every week I *don't*...I don't know what that's all about - but I did start going to a bible study at the church two weeks ago. It's during the day and I really like it - maybe you could find something at your church (or another church) that's not a Sunday service that would feed your soul. So many of my words sound hollow as I write them - but my heart is saying I care and I trust that things will turn around for you - and I will pray that they do. Love, Benita

Hi Chrissy, It's only coming up on two months since Dick died, but sometimes I still can't believe he's gone...I know what you mean. It's like a nightmare - and some days are just better and some days are just worse than others. My husband and I had our house up for sale for about 8 months before it sold, and when it finally did, he had had a stroke and we thought he was recovering. We thought it was a mild stroke - there was no paralysis, and we thought he would get well. I had to make the move without his help- and it was very difficult, not having his help - he was always the strong one. Anyway, our original plan was to buy a mobile home and move it onto my daughter's property - then he had another stroke and after spending days in the hospital they discovered he had also had a heart attack and his emphazema (sp?) was not helping his health either. The doctor came in one day and said to the two of us,'He's in his last stage of life'. I thought I was hearing things - I couldn't believe what I heard. It was as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. I had to leave the room to scream. It was so sudden. He was older and he hadn't been feeling well for about a year or so, but we just thought it was because of the altitude, his emphazema and his age. It never occurred to me he was going to die soon. Anyway, the point of this story is that all of our belongings are packed from floor to ceiling in my daughter's garage, and the only picture I have of him is his drivers license picture, which I cut out and put on my dresser. Sometimes I make a point of NOT looking at it, so I won't cry...so I won';t ache. Some days are better than others - today is not such a good day. I really miss him today!! Love, Benita

Dear Lauri, Have you been reading my old posts?....I swear to God, I never thought I'd ever feel anything again except incredible pain in my heart and such a feeling of longing and loss for my husband, Dick. All I did was lie around and cry...sometimes I didn't think I could truly stand the pain - the feelings were so overwhelming. Crying , sobbing, out of nowhere in the middle of traffic, in the middle of the market, in the middle of whatever I was doing and whomever I was with. It's been almost two months since he died - and although the grief and the sadness and the missing is still here, it's not as painful and not as unrelenting as it once was. I know that one of the reasons I'm feeling slightly better is because of this site - the people that share their hearts and hope here are such strength. I'm thankful for everyone of them. And I'm thankful for you, too, Lauri - I know your pain and I'm so sorry you - any of us have to go through this...it IS the pits!!!!...beyond anything I've ever known...but it does lessen and smiles and laughter does return...believe it or not. God bless and love, Benita

Hi Jamie, You may not feel that people understand your grief and pain, but I would say we, on this site, do. Sometimes the grief and pain are so all-consuming, it knocks everything else out of the way. I could relate when you were writing about the hugs to greet you no longer being there, etc. Whenever anything - even the slightest little upset - occurs, I miss my husband, Dick, being there to help me. He was always there for me..not matter what. I remember running after my cat once while we were on a camping trip and she had gotten out of the RV - and I fell and started crying (I am a baby (), and he came and just held me until I could finally get up. I fell off a ladder once while I was painting and broke my wrist - once again, he just came into the room and held me on the floor, until I could get up. Today my daughter's BIG dog attacked my little dog (didn't hurt him, thank God), but I just started to cry and wanted my husband - he could make everything better. But I know he wants me to continue to love him but not to ruin my life over him. I will never stop loving him or missing him, but I do know there is a future for me...I KNOW that is what he would want, no matter how hard itmight be. I hope you, too, Jamie, can see that Herman wants you to continue on and grow in your life and the giving of your love to others...the giving of your honesty, and warmth and tenderness...we all need you. Please, hang in there...and if it's too much, please go see someone that can be some strength and help for you. I haven't been to a grief group yet - and I know I need one...this coming week I'm going to look into it. Love, Benita Jamie, P.S...you have every right to feel however you feel!!...as for counting, my husband has been gone now one month and 2l days and 23 hours and 3 minutes... love, again, Benita

Thanks Shell, for your info about Derek...I'm not surprised. He always sounds so gentle and caring and loving... KayC, I wish we all could meet somehow as well - maybe we will. I've noticed on this site that some home locations are listed and some are not - I live in the San Diego area and I know some of us live in Canada, Australia, Oregon and I believe Washington... Love, Benita

Dear KayC, You have been through so much around George - not just his passing, but all the unforseen hurts due to drug use. I do know that when we become addicted to drugs and/or alcohol, at some level, it's not REALLY us that willfully speaks and acts - but it's the alcohol - it's the drugs - they take over and the takeover includes words and actions that would never have been said or done in our 'normal' state of mind. I know you have been hurting over and over and over again - with each new revelation...and you being able to find the power in your heart to forgive and move on is an amazing journey. Yep, I believe *that* is a journey as well...a few steps forward in the forgiveness and moving on department, and a few steps back. I know I've been praying on a continual basis around forgiving my husband's three grown daughters for their actions and the actions they are continuiing to take, since he died. Some days I feel no animosity and some days I feel really pi....!...actually, the only reason I WANT to forgive them is because I know God doesn't want me to have strife and unforgiveness in my heart...and I do want to please God...so for me, it's practically a daily prayer. Thank you, KayC, for your honesty, for sharing your relationship with George with us, and I will keep you in my prayers. Love, Benita

Hi Walt, Just want you to know my heart aches for you 'missing Jeannie'. It's only been a little under two months since my husband, Dick, died and I miss him very, very much. I hope you find comfort in knowing you're being thought about. Love, Benita