spunkye

Dear Mrs. Charley, I'm so sorry for your loss - the anguish you're going through, I think we can all relate to!! I loved your story of the fish and the cross!! My husband, Dick, died August 24 - and one day I was sobbing and crying and calling out to him to please let me know he's ok...and I remember saying "I miss you so much". About an hour later, I was in the room where he died *trying* to go through some things and tidy up a little. On his nightstand was his little, black meditation book - he read it every day - and when I opened it up a card, a picture, of St. Jude fell out and Dick had written on it, "I love you, Benita. I miss you. Kim as well. (she's my daughter) But there's not much time left". I don't know when he wrote it, but I do believe that it was a message from him - to let me know he was ok. I love the fighting spirit evident in Kay C's post - that's enough to get us going!! Love, Benita

Dear Laurie, I feel so sorry for you - for the loss of your fiancee...and the guilt you're feeling - I know - is excruciating!! My husband, Dick, died August 24 - it was a combination of stroke, heart attack and emphazema (I know that's not the correct spelling) - and he was a smoker - wouldn't quit. One of the things I regret is that I didn't "try" harder to get him to quit smoking - "maybe if I'd have threatened to leave him, unless he quit", maybe if I got madder at him", maybe if I really did leave him and wouldn't come back until he quit", etc, etc, etc!!!!....the truth of the matter is I did what I could do and then the rest was up to him. He chose to stay in denial about the seriousness of his smoking - I believe that is what really killed him. He was a very sick man because of it., but he was an adult man - as was your fiancee. We can only do so much, and then it's up to the person to do what is healthy and right for them. Dick hadn't been feeling well for about a year or more before he died - he was just getting progressively worse - and I can't even count the number of times I was impatient, annoyed, and just plain fed up...and I didn't hide it many, many times. I'm very sorry I did that - but as I just read from someone elses post, we are HUMAN - and sometimes we make poor choices and do hurtful things, even though our hearts might be in the right place. Sometimes we feel we have to protect ourselves, and especially if we've been very hurt. I don't think you did anything more "hurtful" than any of us have done at one time or another with our loved one. If I could do it over again, I would do it 'better' - but would I?...I'm still my flawed self, trying to do the best I can. I think you can tell him *now* you're sorry - and ask for his forgiveness...I've done that with my husband. I also told God I was sorry and asked for His forgivenss...the one that still holds unforgiveness for me is ME...so I have to keep asking myself for forgiveness and asking God to help me learn from this and to be a better person and grow from this experience. In my heart I know Dick is fine and feeling fine and is not angry or hurt or upset with me in any way, shape or manner. I think what *he's* thinking about are the good and loving and fun times we had together. I believe that no matter what we had done, if it was their time to go, it was their time to go. I don't think I'm really powerful enough to have MADE Dick live longer than he did. Don't get me wrong - I loved him to pieces...he was my friend, companion and playmate - in addition to being my husband. If I could have him back, I would...I would try harder to be kinder, more loving and expressive of that love...but that's not how it turned out. Try to believe, along with me, that you gave him the best you could or he would not have stuck around...go easy on yourself - guilt is certainly one of the offshoots of grief...all the "if-only's"...be gentle with you!! Love, Benita

Dear Lori, I didn't even get through your entire post before I needed to address something that you said that hit me as very important. It was about depression and not wanting to take meds. Soooo many people think depression is merely a "thinking" problem and if "you're strong enough, you can get over it"....but that just is not true. I like to look at it as though it were any other disease - like diabetes...all the positive thinking in the world won't change the diabetes - only medication can help...and so it is with depression - it's a biochemical problem and has nothing to do with weakness or 'just change the way you're thinking'...medication for depression is not addicting and does not make people feel 'high'...it just gives the person an opportunity to get out of the black hole and *then* begin to work on thoughts and feelings and grief, etc. I know from experience! Love, Benita

Dear Penny, I love that candle idea. I think I'll do that for myself and Dick...although I am a little afraid of doing it because I think it will just set me off on a crying jag ....and I'm sooooooooooooooo tired of crying. Maybe in a little while I'll start it. Love, Benita

Oh, KayC, "How well", indeed. I know exactly what you're saying when you say you "want friends and drive them away"...I'm so afraid I'm driving my friends away when I don't return their calls, when I don't want to make plans to see them - but I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT, most of the time!!!! I just want to be left alone - but not really!!! What a confusing time this is for us!!! I used to knit (I'm not a great knitter, but I have made some pretty afghans and scarves) - in fact, every night when Dick and I were laying in bed with the TV on, I would be knitting and he would be reading and/or watching the TV - just 'hanging out' together. I haven't WANTED to knit anything since before he died, August 24, 2006 at 3:50 in the afternoon!!.. I miss him so much!! I just became a Christian a year ago and I was starting to go to church on Sunday's and I found a church I really liked and wanted to get involved in - I haven't been to church since Dick died!!... and every week I say "I"m going to go to church this Sunday!" I want to exercise and go to Weight Watchers - and every week, practically every day - I say "I'm going to go to exercise class today" ( there's one every day at the Sr. Center at 9:00am) and I don't go. Every Monday and/or Saturday I say I'm going to join WW and I don't go. Every day I say I'm going to start eating more healthy - fruits and vegies - and I eat cookies and muffins. It's like trying to fill up a black hole in the middle of my stomach. Every few days I say, I'm going to start cooking again - not just for me but for my daughter - and I have yet to cook a meal. I don't know what to do - except to keep on praying for God to heal my heart, comfort my heart and help me to live life again.... Love, Benita

Dear Jamie, I'll give you a reason to hang on - ME...your posts have helped ME so much...and ME is on my mind so much these days!!..since my husband died. I'm sure there are many, many others on this site that feel the same way I do. I don't think we go through this pain for no reason - we CAN be hope for someone else - and you are hope for ME. Sharing your memories, sharing some of Herman's life, sharing your feelings and thoughts, all of that gives ME hope for my own self...it allows me to know I'm not alone - that I'm not screwy. God bless and Love, Benita

It's very odd - I started thinking about how much I miss cuddling with my husband, Dick...Just about every day we would take a nap together - and I would fall asleep with his arm around me and my head on his shoulder and chest. I miss that so much - I keep thinking how much I want that back 0- how much I want him back. I really got into a crying fit today in the car thinking about that - and then I started trying to remember his voice and I couldn't. My brain is now frantically searching for something he might have left behind that has his voice on it. Love to all of you , Benita

Well, so far that makes three of us! I find that I'm afraid a lot of times...afraid I'm going to lose what I have, afraid my cat is going to die, afraid that something is going to happen to my daughter, afraid my mother's going to die, afraid that I don't have long to live healthy...I never had these fears or worries while Dick, my husband, was alive. I felt taken care of and protected by him... When I realized I was worrying so much, and fearing so much, I started praying that fear be removed from me and to be helped in turning EVERYTHING over to my loving God - it's still a work in progress. Thanks for sharing!! Love, Benita

I, too, am so sorry about your mother's death. She sounds like a wonderful and very special woman. Thank you for sharing a small portion of her life with us. Love, Benita

Dear Linda, I'm so sorry for your loss - my husband died August 24 - and sometimes - more often than not - I still can't believe it. I haven't screamed in a while - but I do cry a lot. This is a very painful time and I know what you're saying when you say you don't want to do anything or talk to anyone. Just within the last week, I've been doing more than I have in months - he got sick months before he died and I was pretty isolated. After he died, all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry - or wander around the house and eat - well, eventually that got very boring (and fattening), but no matter how hard I tried, I still didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I still don't usually answer my phone, 'cuz I just don't feel like talking. During all this time I kept praying for comfort and release - and I found this site and I'm just beginning to feel less raw - that's the only word I can think of to describe it. Keep coming to this site and sharing - you'll find comfort and understanding here - and what you're feeling and what you're doing is pretty "normal" considering the circumstances. Love, Benita

Hi Derek, It's Monday night - and I don't even remember if was here on Saturday night. Sometimes I can't come on this site every day - but I do look forward on a daily basis to see how everyone is doing - to see who has posted what...it's like checking up on the people I love. Love, Benita

Dear Lori, You made it through another day - that's all we can do - make it through another day...and you did that. You reached out and you received love , understanding and support - and that *always* helps - it somehow lightens the burden. There were absolutely days when I didn't think I could go on - days when I *didn't* want to go on.....thank God for this site...where I didn't feel so alone in my feelings of agony, lonliness and hopelessness. The burden, for me, is lifting somewhat...and I know a huge part of that is the support and understanding here on this site, from the compassionate people who understand and don't find fault or wish to HURRY anything along - the respect for all of our individual needs and individual pace. I also pray a LOT...for God to help me be grateful for what I do have...to remind me that Dick really is in a better place with no pain, no tears - just happiness and a healthy, pain-free body...and that God has a plan - a good plan for my life...and I ask Him to heal and comfort my heart. I still break down...but a little more life is beginning to surface, and I don't feel guilty about it. I still miss him more than I would have ever believed possible...I don't think he would want me to be suffering unendingly - and that helps too. One of the things he loved about me was my enthusiasm, my ability to make him laugh, my playfulness - I want to remain and grow in the woman he loved...that would be a tribute to him. I don't want to become someone he wouldn't be proud of and love. Lori, I send you my love and my hugs and my hope and prayers. Love, Benita

Oh, Chrissy, It's so painful what you've gone through and what you're going through now. All I can say is I'm so sorry for you experiencing so much pain and loneliness and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better - but I can't. Having a new baby, of course, is bringing you joy - but you still want Jason there to share with. I can't imagine what that must be like. My husband, Dick, was 78 years old and had been married for something like 38-40 years to his first wife who died of a brain tumor 12-13 years ago. He had five kids with her. When he and I got together, my daughter was grown and all his kids were grown - so we only had eachother, and that was just fine. I just turned 66, and sometimes (I hate to admit it) I feel like my life is over - or will be soon....negativity is something I've always had to fight against, and lately it's been hitting me full force! Even though he was older, he was still my sweetheart and I feel like he always will be - whether another man comes into my life or not...he was also my friend and the one I could go to if I was hurt - physically or emotionally. It's so strange, when I'm going through the worst time of my life, I can't go to him! Living through his illness and his death is the hardest, most painful experience of my life - and I still wish it weren't happening. I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry we have to go through this. Love, Benita

Dear Dusky, Thank you so much for sharing that "love" with us - those emails are very heartwarming and touching...Jack sounds like a wonderful man and you sound like a very special and sensitive and caring man as well. It's a gift to be able to hear and share in loving remembrances - such as you shared. I'm so glad you and his son are communicating - it does bring peace to the heart. Love, Benita

Oh, Leann, I'm so sorry you were so sick. Being physically sick plays havoc with our emotions too, doesnt it? Glad you're home and I hope you continue to feel better every day. I'll be praying for you. Love, Benita

Hi, I know what you're all talking about. I just don't feel like going anywhere, talking to anyone...doing anything...although I am doing a bit more than I was a week or two ago. I'm retired, so my time is basically my own. I find if I don't do anything - like run errands, go to the market, do a little "therapy " shopping, I just "hang around", feel bored, sad, depressed and I eat. So I'll go somewhere - but I don't usually stay long - I just want to get home!! Today I did that - and I was really tired when I got home - so I decided to take a little nap...I ended up in bed crying instead. I still miss Dick so much - I just want to see him one more time and tell him how much I love him and what a wonderful life I had with him - and thank him for being such a good man and such a good husband. I wish (I pray) I could accept it all the way through, that he's gone...I guess eventually I will...but so much of it is still so unreal...and it just feels crappy! Love, Benita

Hi Penny, Ihope your birthday was ok - not too painful...and yes, when I'm physically sick, my emotions get the better of me too. I had a birthday Sept 27 and I didn't feel like celebrating. It was ok. My daughter gave me a beautiful necklace and the BIG present is in the future - since I haven't felt like doing it yet - she got me (and her) tickets to go swim with the dolphins at Sea World in San Diego. I've ALWAYS wanted to do that - so that will be sooooo special. I told her I didn't want to put on a bathing suit - she said you don't have to - that they supply a wet suit. That's fine with me! I told my girlfriend in Oxnard about it to see if she wanted to go as well and she said "NO - I would like a seal!!" Gave me a few laughs. Hope everyone is 'copasetic' - and love to all. Benita

Hi Deb, Welcome to this site...it's so helpful to me... to be able to say what I feel and feel that others understand and don't pressure me to feel differently. Oh, boy -I can understand the guilt you must be feeling. The last three months of my husband's illness, he wasn't thinking clearly all the time and he also could be a real pill. I think back over times when I could've been kinder and more patient - when I WANTED to get away from him (and did), the irritabilities I felt and expressed from time to time -....I remember even thinking one day "I didn't sign up for this" - like I was the one with the problem, when my husband was in the other room literally on his death-bed. Sometimes I just wanted it to be over, 'cuz I was so exhausted. I saw parts of myself that are - putting it mildly - less than lovely. I have to try to stay away from guilt-tripping myself. My consolation is that I prayed a lot during his time of illness - and mostly I prayed to be more patient, kinder, and understanding...and I have asked for forgiveness (and still do from time to time) - and I do believe God has forgiven me - and Dick has forgiven me too. The times of the illnesses are very stressful and unsettling - not only for the sick person, but for us as well. I really believe it takes superhuman strength to get through it - and God knows we do the best we can!! Love, Benita

Dear Derek, I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time!! You are so dear and have so many wonderful things to post - and you're so honest and caring...I appreciate you very much. I relate to not particularly wanting to 'give' anymore. I feel like I could care less, right now, about anybody else - just me and you guys. I'm usually so willing to b e a good listener, empathizer and "helper' with my friends - there's one friend in particular that's having a tough time and calls periodically - and I don't even want to talk with her! Grief takes many shapes and sizes, doesn't it? As far as parenting goes, we do the best we can - and it's hard to imagine you could be anything but a good father to Carson. This is a particularly hard time - but your love will see him through, I'm sure. My prayers are with you and I send my love, Love, Benita

To Lori and Kim, Thank you so much Kim for forwarding on Herman's eulogy - it was so lovely and so moving....and I so admire Herman and his family and you, Lori, for all you've been through and your sustaining faith. It saddens me so much to know that you all had so much to go through...I just sat and shook my head as the tears fell. God bless you Lori - and may He comfort you!! Kim - It is a small world. Dick and I lived in Julian for only 3 years - we moved to Ramona to be closer to my daughter and to have more people around...then he just started getting sicker and sicker- and now I'm living at my daughter's in Ramona. There are certainly more people around, and the truth is I can do anything I want - I just don't want to. I'm trusting that will change - but right now I'm just so sad and teary and depressed, I don't want to do anything. And then when I don't do anything, I don't want to do 'nothing' either - I sit and eat!! My daughter's name is Kim as well - there's another coincidence.! God bless us all and love, Benita

Lori, I'm so sorry I can't read Herman's obituary. I can't get it to come up on my computer - but Kim said he must have been an amazing man and I, too, am so sorry for your grief. I wrote a tiny little obituary through our mortuary and it was posted (supposedly) in my old town's (Oxnard) newspaper - but no one has seen it. I haven't even had Dick's ashes buried or a memorial service for him. It sounds terrible - I just don't want to deal with it. I don't feel like I'm doing anything to disrespect his memory as far as HE'S concerned, because he did have two wishes about his funeral (his daughters say he had three) and those two wishes were answered, even though not by me. Dick has five grown kids - three daughters that live a couple or so hours from us, one son with whom he had a big fight about eight years and they haven't spoken since and one son in Minnesota. The daughters and I and the son in Minnesota got along ok - I was annoyed - as was my husband - for some selfish and uncaring things his daughters had done throughout the years, but there was no tension or nastiness with any of us....that's why his memorial mass - planned and executed by them - was such a shock. They were here during his last few hours and when he died. Before he died one of the sisters got me in the kitchen to ask what plans I'd made for his funeral. Well - I hadn't made any. I had gone to the mortuary and made arrangements there and I had gone to the local cemetary to make some arrangements there, but other than that I hadn't made any plans. Most of our friends live in Oxnard (about 4 hours away) and since we moved to the San Diego area, we didn't really have any friends to speak of, so I was very torn about where and when to hold a memorial service....in Oxnard where his friends are or in Ramona, where we live but only about five people would attend. All I knew was that he wanted a Catholic Funeral Mass and he wanted certain music played. After he died, the sister started on me again about a funeral...I was in no shape to talk about it. The sisters left about 10 minutes after he died and about an hour later one of them called and started talking to my daughter about a funeral. SHE told them I was in no shape to come up with those decisions yet - and that it took her a month to finally have a memorial service for her deceased husband. Later - maybe the next day - another of the sisters called and talked to my daughter and said their dad had three wishes. One was for a Catholic Funeral Mass, one was for certain music and the last was to be buried in Oxnard (in the same cemetary as their monther)...she also said they were going to go ahead and make arrangements for the funeral mass, because they couldn't wait a month and "the sisters need closure". A day or so after that, another sister called and told my friend (who was staying with me) that the funeral was scheduled for that Saturday, they had the priest set up and "Tommy is coming" (that's the brother we hadn't spoken with in eight years) "and I don't think Benita would be very comfortable being there." Needless to say, I was beside myself...I can't remember when I have felt so sickeningly ill - my husband had just died and his daughters are making all the plans for his memorial - and I'm not welcome. It was utterly amazing and shocking - because we had all gotten along just fine on the outside...and there were no arguements or fights in the past - it was just so weird. Anyway, another one called and told my friend, "of course she can come - we're mad at the other sister - she's done and said some strange things. Have Benita call me and I'll give her the address." I wasn't going to call, but I did - and left a message on her answering machine basically telling her and her sisters off by saying that what they had done was the meanest, cruelest, nastiest thing I had ever seen or heard and if their dad had been alive he would have been very upset...and, of course, I would NOT be at their funeral...and if they wanted to bury their dad in Oxnard they could buy the plot...I was burying him in Ramona. Haven't heard or talked to them since. I, of course, gave my permission to the mortuary to let them have some of Dick's ashes, and I bought two little "urn plots" for us at our local, very small and lovely cemetery..but no service from me yet. I feel that Dick DID get what he wanted by the girls giving him a Catholic mass and playing the music he wanted. I am sorry this is so long - I needed to post it and I want to thank everyone who was ab le to get through it. God bless and Love, Benita

Dear Dusky, Although it's been almost a year since your post, I just read it today as I am new to this site. I could so relate to your pain and the grief before our loves deaths. My husband, Dick, started feeling less and less energetic and had more and more trouble breathing and getting around in the last two or three years of his life. T he last year of his life it was to the point where he/d have some good days and some bad days - we never knew how he would feel, and the last few months he started on oxygen. The doctors always diagnosed him with COPD - chronic obstructive pulmonary disease - emphazema (sp?),,,yes, he was a smoker. During the last three months of his life, he spent time in the hospital, had a heart attack, had a couple of strokes, spent some time in a nursing home and then came home to be under the care of hospice for about 8 weeks, until he took his last breath on August 24, at 3:50 in the afternoon. I was with him - as were his three daughters - and I was holding him and he just stopped breathing. He had been in a sort of coma-like state for about two days - we were all telling him it was ok to go - we didn't want him to linger unnecessarily - but he kept hanging on. Finally, at about 3:30 I held him and told him it was time for him to take his nap - he always took a nap every day between 3 and 4 - and I said it was ok now to go to sleep....and 20 minutes later, he did. Dick had just turned 78, but he was so very young in spirit. He was fun, funny, silly and so terribly kind...he was interested in everybody and everybody loved him. He was also remarkably intelligent - although he never thought so...but he was the one everyone went to when they had a question about ANYTHING!...he was a scientist and had worked on space programs - he knew a lot...and was interested in a lot - history, geography, numbers, anyting and everything - but he never acted "better than" or superior to anyone. I miss him so much every day - every night -....your post was so positive in terms of how you will continue to grow and spread his light - I don't feel that positive yet. I hope I will someday...right now I just feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. God bless and love, Benita

Oh Dusky, Your poem is so beautiful and sweet and meaningful..thank you for sharing it with us. I feel inspired to write a poem to my sweetheart - Dick. It's been over a month now and it still hurts very much. Today is a beautiful day, but I don't feel like doing anything. I've been reading a lot lately - about death, about grieving, the Bible, God's caring - and that's all I feel like doing today - going back to my room and sitting in my comfy chair or lying on the bed, and reading some more. The quilt is a wonderful idea. About one week after Dick died, my daughter and I had someone come over to move some personal belongings that were still in the little rental house below her house, that he and I were staying in on a temporary basis - until we bought our own manufactured home or mobile home to set up on her property. Well, needless to say, we didn't get a chance to get that far - he got so much sicker we moved up here to her house and set up hospice in the dining room - made it a cozy area for him. Anyway, when this fellow brought up all his clothes, I remembered hearing about making a quilt out of his shirts and pants and giving it to his grandchildren (he has 14 from his previous, deceased first wife). I started so bravely putting shirts aside and washing them, folding them, beginning to cut them...I don't know what possessed me!! About an hour into this, I broke down and I don't think I stopped crying for an entire week. That was the worst. My daughter ended up packing everying in boxes and putting the boxes in the garage - I have a couple of his shirts hanging in my closet, but I'm in NO WAY ready to handle the clothes. Maybe one day...there's no rush! The quilt is still a good idea -just don't know when or even if I'll be able to do it. God bless and hold us all. Love, Benita

Oh, Chrissie - He's sooooooo beautiful!!!....and look at all that hair!! Give that sweet little baby a kiss for me!! Love, Benita

You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers, Derek. God Bless. Love, Benita