missingcharlie

I just wanted to tell you that the lunch I go to did not start with Hospice of the Valley. I found another website, Widownet.org, a long time ago and they are the ones that have get togethers. If you're interested in checking to see if they have them in your area, go onto their website and click on the widownet bulletin board (you might have to register to get in....) and there is a "thread" of get togethers. Register and start chatting with people and see if there is one in your area. Gotta get to work, so hugs to all of you!! Patti

Wow!! It is so hard to believe that in 3 days I will have been without the man I loved more than anything, for 3 years. If I recall correctly, Larrysgirl will be at 2 years the same day. Amazing how fast time goes by... I can tell you that I am adjusting to my "new" life. I still miss Charlie so much, but mostly the crying has stopped. I've been busy working and trying to keep my "head above water" with the way the economy has changed. After the first of the year I'm going to put my house up for sale, mostly because I can't afford to live here. Charlie never liked the house we bought here in Arizona, so it's not really a big deal. (other than the fact that I don't want to move....I hate moving - and now I'll have to do it by myself) Hopefully I can sell it and make a little bit off of it, so I have some money to start elsewhere. I do want to remind everyone (maybe mostly the people in AZ...) that our Widow/Widower get-together lunch is this coming Sat. (17th) at Applebee's on Central Ave. & Camelback (downtown Phoenix). We meet at 1pm and we would LOVE to have anyone that is interested join us! It's only lunch, chatting and meeting new friends that have a common bond with you. We have all become fast friends and I truly enjoy seeing them once a month. So, if you can and would like to....please come join us!! Larrysgirl....big hugs to you this Friday!!! I remember when you first came to this website and we found out we had the same day...only a year apart! I have to work that day, so I'm hoping it just kindof comes and gos. I think of Charlie EVERY day, so I know I'll get through it. I know I don't write here very much anymore, but I try to read as often as I can. I'm keeping up with all of you! Take care and hugs to all!! Patti

Hi all! I know it's been quite a while since I've written. My work hours have changed and I just don't get a lot of time to spend on the computer, but I have not forgotten about you all. I still read all the posts and want you all to know I'm thinking of you. November is such a bad month for me. The 16th will be three years without my beloved husband, Charlie. It is so hard for me to believe that it has been that length of time already. Then, of course, we have Thanksgiving and then my birthday is at the end of the month. I still miss him so much, but I am trying to go on the best I can and make some kind of life for myself. As Bob said, someday I'm going to have to "face" my honey and he will be very upset with me if I haven't enjoyed (or atleast tried to) the remainder of MY life. Financially it has been very difficult, but with help from my sister I'm going to be OK. Hopefully I can sell my house once the real estate market here in AZ comes back, some. That would be a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders..... Well, I just wanted to pop in and say hi. I am TRULY sorry to hear of all the new losses here, but am VERY glad you all have found this site. There are so many wonderful people here!! Take care and hugs to all of you!! Patti

John - I, too, am going through the "pre" periods...Last month on the 27th was three years from the day we found out Charlie had cancer. He was admitted then for tests and was released on Oct. 5th with his oxygen machine. The next timeframe will be October 22 when I put him back into the hospital and then the DREADED DAY of November 16th...3 years from the day I lost the one I loved more than anything. It still seems crazy that it's been almost 3 years ago. Things have changed SO MUCH since then and definately not for the better. Life has been such a struggle, but as we all know...we have to carry on and get through it the best we can. I, too, am so glad that I have had the change to "meet" all of you and communicate with all of you. It definately has made a huge difference in my life - thank you all for all your kind and compassionate words!! I hope everyone has the best day possible. Just keep moving forward! Hugs to all of you!!! Patti

Wendy - I just have to put my "2 cents" in on the clothing issue. It took me 2 years before I could get rid of my husband clothes. I just couldn't stand the thought of them not being in the closet, but finally about this time last year, I felt like it was the right time. I got rid of most of his things, but I have a plastic container with alot of his T-shirts. My Charlie LOVED t-shirts and jeans!!! He rode a Harley and has quite a few Harley shirts - all of which I have.... I kept his bathrobe, which still hangs in my closet. I gave some of his shirts to his sister and his brotherinlaw, I gave some work clothes to a close friend of his that he worked with and the rest I donated to the homeless shelter. It was a huge thing, to me, to not give them to places that sell their clothing....I wanted someone who needed it to have it. PLEASE do not rush into giving his clothes away, if you are not ready. There will be another clothing drive or maybe get the Lupus Foundation's phone number and when you ARE ready you can donate them to them, then. I understand a little about Lupus. One of my dear friend's daughter has it and at one time they tested my husband for it. We found out later that he had systemic scleroderma, which is an autoimmune disease just like Lupus. Take care Wendy!! Hugs to all. Patti

Walt - I apologize for not seeing the post about your's and Jeannie's anniversary before today. I too hope that the day of your anniversary was full of wonderful memories of Jeannie. She must have been one special person!! You certainly are. Thanks for sharing! Hugs to you. Patti

Sarah - My husband had 25 days in the hospital before he passed away and he was very lucid...we used to watch TV and play cribbage every night while I visited him. He, too, wrote me a letter and gave me the "ok" to find someone else again someday. He told me that I deserved to be happy the rest of my life, but he didn't want me to get into a relationship purely out of loneliness. It will be 3 years in November since my beloved husband passed away and I think about the idea, but don't know if I could actually bring myself to HAVE a relationship with someone else. Even tho it's been almost 3 years, I know that I'm not ready....and not sure if I ever will be. I just think it would be so strange...... I guess if it happens someday, then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but for now I'm not ready. As Derek said, if I spend the rest of my life by myself I'm OK with that. We missed you at lunch last Saturday. Hopefully you can come one of these months.... Hugs to all!!! Patti

Wendy & Gail R - I too am so very sorry to hear of your losses!! Your husband were so very young, as mine was....Charlie was 46. It will be 3 years for me in November and I can tell you that I STILL miss him SO MUCH!! Life has become different - hugely different! But as Karen has said, we have to go on and we do. I guess you find other reasons to continue on in life - like my daughter and 3 grandkids! They are pretty much my life, now. As sorry as I am that you HAD to find us, I'm very glad that you did. We are very understanding and hugely compassionate about what has happened to you. We are always here, so please keep coming here. Don't worry about the "water works", it happens to all of us - even after almost 3 years..... My heart goes out to both of you! Take care of yourselves and keep coming here. Hugs to you!! Patti

Sarah & Kim - I'm so glad that you will try to come and join our lunch this Saturday. As to spotting me?!?! Well, we usually wait in the front area (before the seating) until we think just about everyone that "told" Jan that they would be there is there. If you can, get there about 5 or 10 mins. before 1pm and I will try to be there at that time. Also, Jan (as I mentioned above) is kind of the "ring leader" and she is ALWAYS there. She's a lady in her early 60's, wears glasses (the frames look too big for her face), blondish hair and a little heavy-set. If you see someone sitting there matching that description, ask her if she is Jan. She's VERY friendly and will greet you with open arms. Me? Well, I'm about 5'1", with blondish-red hair, a little past my shoulders. I will let Jan know that you might be coming so she will be on the alert for possibly two new people. Once again, we would LOVE to have you BOTH!!!! And anyone else....... Take care and hugs to you both! I hope to meet you on Saturday. Patti

Hi Kim! First I want to tell you that my heart goes out to you over the loss of your husband. I lost my beloved husband, Charlie, almost 3 years ago and I STILL miss him terribly!!!! But I'm learning to live with myself and by myself....it has become the "norm" not to have him here (I'm sad to say...). We were together about 21 years - the best years of my life. He and I were very happy and loved each other very much - he passed from cancer, also. Hopefully Marty (our online support counselor, here) will read your post and give you some info. on places in Arizona. She lives here in Phoenix - I say "here" because I live in Buckeye. Are you in Glendale? I know it's sort of early, but I wanted to tell you about our widow/widower lunch get together that we have here in Phoenix each 3rd Sat. of the month. It's coming up THIS coming Saturday and as I said, I know it's early in your grief, BUT we would LOVE to have you come and join us.... We meet at Applebee's at Central & Camelback at 1pm. Some of us live in Scottsdale, some central Phoenix, some of us live way-the-heck out there... so we figured central phoenix would be the best place to meet. Our "group" is mostly women, usually only one guy named Gerry shows up, but we just have lunch. It's not a pity-party session or anything....we just enjoy getting together for lunch with each other because we all have something in common. You are MORE THAN WELCOME to talk about your situation or your husband or anything you'd like. We are there to listen and give you support and LOTS of hugs!!! We absolutely welcome anyone that would like to come. I think we are all in about the same age group. I'm 52...some are in there early 60's, some others in their 50's, maybe even late 40's. But we don't care how old you are!!!! It's a fairly small group - we usually only have 4-10 people, just depends on people's schedules. If you are not ready to come and join us yet, we completely understand. Just keep us in mind because we would LOVE to have you come eat lunch and meet us. Anyway, I'm glad you have found "our" website. Everyone here is very understanding and we all try to help each other. We are here for you!!! Feel free to email me. You can reach me through this website. Just click on my "name"...missingcharlie and it will take you to another screen that will allow you to email me. IF that doesn't work, just write me here. I check the posts every day even tho I don't post too much any more.... Hugs to you!!! Take care of yourself and if you can or want to, we'd love to have you come to our lunch. Patti

Yes, Gail, I would say that what you are experiencing is completely "normal" -whatever that means when you are grieving... There are stages that you go through in grieving and it sounds like you're in the "angry" stage - wondering why God could have taken this precious man away from you and what the two of you did to deserve this. You have to remember that you didn't do anything. It's not a vindictive thing - God just needed him back with him for a special reason. None of us will ever know what that reason is. I definately recall those feelings and sometimes I still have them - it will be 3 years in November. Being by myself has become the "norm" - I don't like it, but I've gotten used to it. I'm trying to make my own life at this point and you WILL get to that point, but it's going to be a long journey. Cling to your children! They need you as much as you need them - they too are suffering the loss. Please continue to come here and post anything you want. We are ALL here to listen. Are you getting any professional help? Any support groups? Do some reading of the books that Dusky (one of the people that posts here) has suggested. Look back in some of the newer topics, within the last couple of weeks, and you will find a list of books he has read and suggests. They just might help. My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you hugs!! Patti

Teny - I, too, wish for you to find peace on your wonderful trip with your children. Try to enjoy the time with your children - I know that's what they want and now it's time to live for yourself and them!! Remember that Yiany will be there with you in spirit, watching over you and wanting you to enjoy this time with your children. (I, personally, am jealous of you going to one of those beautiful Greek Islands!!!) We will wait for you to come back and write here some more!! Hugs to you and yours, Teny! Patti

Jan44 - I don't think you are losing your mind. You're right...your mind isn't ready to face the reality of losing David. My heart goes out to you!!! It's tough! As long as you are still counting in weeks, you're no where ready to face it. I think that once your counting turns into months you are getting closer. It's going to be a while.... Wow! 43 years is a very long time to spend with someone - I wish I had had that much time with my husband. We only had 21 years together and they truly were the best years of my life. He was only 46 years old when he passed away, which will be 3 years ago in November. See, I'm in the timeframe of years, now. I still miss him so much and I know that I always will. As you said, he was my best friend and the love of my life. I do think that going to talk with a professional might help. I never did, but I had and still have tons of support. Charlie's whole family lives near me and we all grieve together; plus I have my daughter and my 3 grandkids. Reading books about death and grieving is another great idea. I've read a couple, but if you need suggestions I know that Dusky (here on this site) can give you an entire list. Also, Marty (our site monitor) can suggest alot of information, too. I'm sure if either one of them reads this post they will do that for you. Please keep coming here! I think you'll find that it helps alot - I know all of us think so. We are here to help "hold you up" and walk beside you during this journey. It's a comfort to know of other people that have been through this. Hugs to you!!! Take care of yourself! Patti

Kayc - I have to agree with you. November will be 3 years for me and I can honestly say that I have moved to the acceptance part of grieving. I don't LIKE it, but I have accepted that he is gone and now it's time for me to think about ME. I miss Charlie so much that my heart hurts and I still cry from time to time, but I can honestly say that I'm in a better frame of mind these days. I can talk about him without falling apart even through these trying times...I'm having. I'm trying to find a different career path and it is very difficult. I've been looking for employment for about 2 months and at times I feel like "chopped liver". I just don't understand!! I'm hoping this "road" is going to take a turn, soon!!!! Teny - you need to hang in there. It WILL get easier. 9 months is a bad time because the reality has really hit you. You really need to get through all the "1st year" things...it will help!! We're here for you. Hugs to all. Patti

Dusky - I too am thinking of you today! You have been such a comfort to so many here with your list of books to read, your poetry and just your wonderful words of wisdom. I know that Jack looks down on you and smiles - knowing that his life partner has done so much for so many!! Have the best day possible and know that I am wishing the best for you. Hugs to you!!! Patti

Gail - My heart goes out to you! I lost my husband 13 days before I turned 50 and it was absolutely the worst birthday...I don't even remember it. We were supposed to have a party and be celebrating, instead I was grieving and mourning the loss of the most wonderful man that ever came into my life. This November will be 3 years, 3 birthdays I have spent without him. It is so hard to believe that I have gone on this long without him, but I have by just taking it one step at a time. It's a long journey and ALL of us here are here to help. We're here to listen and to lend a shoulder to cry on. As I said, it's been almost 3 years for me and I still come here EVERY day. Quite often I don't write anything, but I read all the posts here. This website has been very helpful to me - all the people here completely understand what you are going through; it's comforting to know that there are others out there going through the same feelings. It's a kindred friendship and I often wish I could meet each one of them and just give them a hug. I think that Bruce "told" your mom and dad to get those roses for you! They were actually from him - he just couldn't be here to get them for you himself. You have to remember that he is around you all the time. Talk to him, cry with him and just continue to keep him a part of your heart. I know you can get through this! There are people counting on you and trust that you and Bruce will be together again - you just have to wait your turn. We are here to help in anyway we can. Hugs to you, Gail! Patti

I am definately stronger. I am also a lot stronger than I EVER thought I would be. I just keep going - what other choice do we have? I have family that would never forgive me if I didn't keep going. I'm going through some rough times, financially, right now, but I'm bound and determined I'm going to get through this SOMEHOW!!! I may end of having to sell my house and move on, but I'm going to persevere! Charlie will have been gone 3 years in November and I never thought I would make it this far alone, but I have! WE ALL HAVE!!!! In a huge part to all of you, I'm going to be OK. Thanks for being there! Hugs to everyone, Patti

Teny - You're right...it has been quiet in here lately. Sometimes that happens here - I think we all get wrapped up in our lives and sometimes just don't have anything to say. I know we're glad you started a topic. I am sorry that you are having so much trouble with the acceptance of Yiany being gone from your life. I remember how hard that was, but as Kayc said it comes a little tiny bit easier with each passing month. I also agree with what Derek and Kayc said - the loss is something you need to try to come to accept, otherwise you can't get on with YOUR life and I am SURE that is something that Yiany wants you to do. You have to think along the lines of how lucky you were to have had this wonderful man in your life for as long as you did. Some people aren't that lucky to have experienced the love that you and Yiany had. It was a blessing! I know you have told us before that your children (or son) are very worried about you. I am SURE that they/he misses Yiany almost as much as you do, but they know that he wants them to continue on with their lives. We are here for you Teny! I hope you have better days in the near future. Hugs to you!! Patti

Thanks all of you! I'm glad I was able to show you my wonderful husband. If any of you can, we would love to see what your loved ones looked like! I know some of you already have your "thumbnail" pics on here. Hugs to everyone today. Patti

Dang!! I'm not quite as computer illiterate as I thought! I just put a thumbnail picture of my sweet husband on here for all of you to see. Isn't he handsome.... I love him and miss him so much! Patti

Thanks for that, Marty. I think we are all trying to help each other... I actually bought the Secret some time ago and have yet to read it. I'm thinking that this is the perfect time to do that, tho, 'cause things have not been going well for me lately and I could certainly use some positive thinking!! Thanks "missing rick" for bringing it back to mind. As they say, our destiny had been "written" long before we came "here", so I don't think that positive thinking would have changed any of our outcomes. I have to agree with Kayc that it probably would have helped us "deal" with the situation(or situations) better... Positive thinking sure couldn't hurt anyone, right? I'll be back to THIS thread after I finish the book.... Hugs to all!! And let's think positive! Patti

Pamm - I, too, am so sorry for your loss!! As you have read, we all understand how you are feeling. I know that doesn't make it any better, but knowing you're not the only one that has felt what you are feeling should help some. It's going to be a long tough journey - WE are here to help you get through this as best we can. Take one minute at a time - don't push yourself. You need to be there for your children and remember that they are there for you, too. The loss of my beloved husband, Charlie, was not totally unexpected. He had cancer, so we knew it was inevitable, but that being said doesn't make it any easier. He's been gone a little over 2 1/2 years, now, and I still miss him terribly! I'm going thru some financial hardships right now and what I would give to have him here to talk with....but I don't and I will just have to get thru this myself. He's still "around", so I DO talk with him, but a big hug from him would sure make me feel better. As far as what people say; you can't expect them to know what you are going through. No one does unless they have experienced it. They don't know what else to say, but that "it will be OK" and that "things happen for a reason". They don't know how to help you and they haven't been down "our" road. I can promise you that someday it will be easier. Right now you can't imagine that, I know. I know that none of us understand why our loved ones were ripped away from us. I wish I could be with you to comfort you and give you a hug...we ALL do!!!! You can ALWAYS come here to talk or cry or scream or whatever you feel you need to do. WE will understand - I promise. Please...take one moment at a time. That's all you can handle now. Don't let others tell you how to behave or what to think...remember, they don't "get it". We are sorry that you HAD to find us, but we ARE glad that you did. It's a wonderful group of people and I would have to say that we have all been a comfort to each other. You can talk about anything with us. HUGE ciber hugs to you and your children! We hope you will come back and talk with us soon. Patti

Lyn, Vddawk and Jess22 - I am a little bit further along in my grief process than even Karenb.... The 16th of this month will mark 32 months and I still miss my husband, Charlie, with all my being! I don't think we will EVER stop missing them but, as Karenb said, the pain does lessen. You all are still so early in your grief process that you can imagine that that will ever happen. I understand and remember the feeling. I cried all the time. Charlie and I loved each other dearly and had such a wonderful relationship - we had been together for just over 20 years and he was absolutely the best thing that ever happened in my life (outside of my daughter and gkids!) He was quite young(only 46) when he passed away and I wondered then(and still do) as to why we couldn't have had more time together. After 2 1/2 years I still cry. Not like I did, but there are definate "triggers" that set me off. I feel so lonely most of the time and seeing happy couples together really bothers me. I am at a point, now, where I am really trying to get MY life back together. Charlie would want me to do that and to live out the life that has been designated to me. I have lots of support and that really helps. I hope you all have support from your families, too. It is key to getting through this long journey. Remember that WE are part of your "family" and we will help you get through this. I know it seems impossible, now, but I promise you that it will get better. It definately takes time, but just keep moving along even if it is one minute at a time. You have to remember that our loved ones would NOT want us to give up and that they are always around us for support. They still love us just as much as we still love them! All of us here are here for you! We have all been in your shoes and we completely understand. Keep coming here and all of us will make it through these tough times. Hugs to all of you!!!! Patti

Don't you worry, Teny....we understand your English! I am so sorry that you are not doing better. You DO need to start taking care of yourself. YOU are what matters and I'm sure your son wants you to, too. I am sure that you are angry - I think we all are, but since we ARE the ones left here, we need to do all we can to go on and take care of ourselves. My Charlie has been gone a little over 2 1/2 years(so hard to believe!) and I am really trying to focus on myself. He would want that - he's ALWAYS wanted for me to do that, but I'm just now starting to see that that is what I need to do. No one else is going to take care of us, so I'm afraid we are on our own. Your husband wants that for you too!!!! He would not want you to be suffering so much. He loved you and wants you to take care of yourself. I hope keeping a diary will help you. Keep posting here and we will ALL help you through this rough journey. Hugs to you, Teny. Patti

Kay - Thanks for your post! Funny that you should mention Office Team....I was just there yesterday! Hopefully they will find something for me to do. They were very nice. Taking those tests was interesting, to say the least. I found out that I really DON'T know anything about Excel! The other tests I did good on, so keep your fingers crossed! I told the girl I was interviewing with that I wanted to learn more about Excel and she told me that she would send me a link to the course. Hopefully, this "old dog" can learn it!! Good for you!! Like I said, you need to focus on YOU!! YOU are what matters. John will do what John wants to do... Hopefully he will come around. Hugs! Patti