missingcharlie

As I keep seeing new/different names come on here that live in the Phoenix area, I just want all of them to know of our widow/widower lunch get-together that we have here every 3rd Saturday. We meet at the Applebee's on Central and Camelback (we keep talking about changing the spot because of all the construction going on...but so far we haven't) at 1pm. There is anywhere from 6-12 people there - there are both men and women (actually there is usually only 1 guy). We chat and laugh and just enjoy getting out with some people that you have a common bond with. It's not a mournful thing by any means - we just have lunch and chit-chat. It's really a good time - must be 'cause everyone seems to come back! Everyone is welcome! (even if you don't live in phoenix or arizona.... if you want to "pop" in for lunch, come on down!!) If you have any questions or anything about the lunch, please reply here and I'll get back to you. March's lunch is 3/17 - hummm, think that's St. Patty's day! Patti

Our family KNEW exactly what to do with my husband's ashes. He had written a letter to me, while he was hospitalized, and told me what he wanted done with them. It took about 1 1/2 years before I could get his family to go with me, but last June (the weekend of his birthday) we went to California and spread his ashes in JUST the spot he requested. We had our own little memorial, said things to him and about him, made a cross from some sticks and spread his ashes in the lake as he wanted. I have absolutely NO regrets - I granted his final wish! To ME, that was the most important thing. It is a completely individual decision, I think. The one thing I am glad about is that we knew what he wanted, we honored it and everyone is content with what we did. My motherinlaw had a "reading" with a psychic and my husband "said" that he saw what we had done and thought it was beautiful. THAT meant everything to me!! Hugs to all of you!! Patti

I loved both of those poems!!! Thanks so much for sharing. Patti

KellyMarie - As KayC said, look how far you have come!! We all know it is a long journey and you have done wonderful so far - you just keep putting that one foot in front of the other and never mind what people say. I'm on 27 months and I get the feeling that some people figure I should be "over" this by now, but as we've said before....we'll NEVER be over it, just used to it. The second year has been easier than the first - guess I've adjusted. I still cry and talk to Charlie all the time - tell him how much I miss him and how much I love him. We are here for you and will definately be here on "the day"!!! All you can do is try to make it the best day possible. Josh would want you to.... Be easy on yourself. Take care and hugs to you. Patti

Chrissy - I think you're in that time period where things seem worse. I think they say somewhere between 6-9 months.... Basically I think it's because you are NOW in the reality of things; you know for sure that he isn't coming back. I'm on 2 years and I STILL hate that thought. Some things have become easier and other times I'm not so sure. Like....yesterday. I started my day off by reading a Valentine's card that my husband had given me some years ago. Fortunately, I have kept some of the cards....I have a Christmas one, a birthday one, an anniversary one and a Valentine one and when each one of those holidays comes around I get out my card and read it and CRY!!!!!!!!! I boo-hoo'd bigtime yesterday. As far as fixing things - I remember getting frustrated and crying, at first, but now I'm just so dang proud of myself, when I do something on my own, and I know that Charlie is too. He always thought I was such a strong person and I'm trying to make him proud of me. I KNOW Jason is proud of you!! After all, you are taking care of yourself and HIS son ALL BY YOURSELF!! That is HUGE, Chrissy! You need to give yourself more credit - chin up....you can do this! We are here for you, supporting you. You WILL get through this! Promise. I am sending you the biggest hug I could muster up! <<<<<HUG>>>>>> You are doing great!! We're here for you. Patti

I would have to agree with all that has been said. As you all know, I am a little passed my 2 year mark. Things are definately better - there isn't a day that goes by that my thoughts, at some point, don't turn to something about Charlie. I still miss him SO MUCH, but I am TRYING to move along in life - trying to focus on myself a little more. Some things hit me really hard - just last night I burst into tears after seeing someone on TV laying in a hospital bed dying of cancer. It just brought back the horrible picture that I have of my beloved laying in that hospital bed, but as someone said, the tears didn't last as long as they have in the past. I know I'm getting through it, but seeing others happy with their "spouse" STILL makes me very upset - I just want him in my life still. I loved him so much and we were so happy - I just want it that way again; yet I know I can't have it. So therefore I need to focus on other things in my life. I'm glad, Derek, that things are looking up for you!! Just keep a positive attitude and you should be fine. Things will be up and down but keep focused on the "up". Hugs to everyone! Patti

When it comes to that type of thing, the U.S. really sucks. Canada is so much more ahead of the game!! Look at all of us that are uninsured medically - Canada definately takes care of their own. Yep, going from two incomes to one is really the pits. The bills, of course, don't get cut in half.... I live in a community property state, so all of his assets AND all of his bills were then MY responsibility. I have worked too hard over my lifetime to keep my credit good - not going to file bankruptcy. Fortunately I was not left with any medical bills because apparently the insurance through his work covered all of it. Thank heaven!!! Maybe we should all become Canadian citizens...... My best to all of you!! Hugs. Patti

Jane - I completely understand what you are saying. I lost my husband just over 2 years ago. We co-owned a motorhome with his sister and brotherinlaw and we used to go to the lake and the Colorado river together almost every weekend. We had been going to the river for a couple of years prior to Charlie's death and there were lots of people (couples) that we hung-out with there. Since I've lost him I don't frequent "the river" very often. It's just not the same since I don't have him to go with anymore. My inlaws still go, we still have the motorhome and all the friends still meet there. They were all terribly saddened when we lost him and all of them came to the "life celebration" we had for him. He had been ill and all of them knew it. It's the "couple" thing that is so hard for me, too. Everyone there HAS someone and now I don't - it's awful! I love all our friends there and they are always so wonderful when they see me. I get big hugs and am always asked as to how I am doing. I try to go about once a month and it has gotten easier (until I see couples hugging or something....)to be there. I just try not to dwell on it too much. All of them are so understanding (well, as much as someone can be that hasn't experienced this) because they all loved him too. I hope in time going to your lake house will become easier for you. I would LOVE to have a house on a lake! It's so peaceful.... I'm thinking that Rick would want you to continue to enjoy the place that the two of you loved together. They want us to continue on with our lives and not mourn for them forever. I hope this has helped, atleast a little.... Hugs to you and you are in my thoughts. Patti

Marty - I am so glad you gave us that information. I KNOW that will be of help to so many - it truly was to me. Those thoughts have been going through my head and it has been scaring me. To know that those feelings are a part of everyone's thoughts makes me feel better. I definately never want to forget the wonderful man that was such a huge part of my life - I know I won't!! Thank you again! Patti

Missing Rick - We DO understand!! I lost my wonderful husband a little over 2 years ago, from lung cancer and he was just 46 years old. We had been together for almost 21 years. He was diagnosed 9/27 (with stage 4) and I lost him 11/16. Very quick! We, also, thought it was something we could get through....guess not. He just got thinner and thinner until finally his body just couldn't take it anymore. He had been diagnosed with Systemic Scleroderma (autoimmune disease)a couple of years before, but he had had this disease for years. You are absolutely right - no one has any idea what it is like to lose someone you loved so dearly until they experience it. People THINK they "understand", but they haven't a clue! It's a long journey, but we are all here to help. We would LOVE to help you through, now or when you get done with your grief counseling. We don't judge, we are just here to listen and give you some comfort. Please be sure to come back...whenever you want. My heart truly does go out to you!!!! Hugs and you will be in my thoughts. Patti

I can tell you that I am now about to go through the 3rd Christmas without my beloved husband, Charlie. I lost him in Nov. 2004, so the first one I really don't remember. The 2nd one I just focused on my grandkids - it was still terribly hard; now I face the 3rd one and yes, I am depressed that he's not here, but I have to admit that it's a little easier this year. I'm hoping this will give you all a little hope for the future. I still miss him so much, but I think I have finally gotten "used" to him not being here. I talk to him alot and I think that helps me. I now can actually smile and chuckle to myself when I think of funny things about him.... I so much hope that all of you will find peace in the near future. We will be here for you, so be sure to come here often!! We're our own little "family", here. I hope all of you have the best holiday you can! Hugs to all of you!!!! Patti

Jenn - That is one step I can't deal with yet...if ever. I am one of those that may NEVER take off my rings, but as the others have said, if it's good for you...then do it. I've just now decided that I'm OK with taking Charlie's clothes out of my closet. I'm going to get some of the plastic containers and get those put away before Christmas. It's been 2 years for me.... I am wish for peace and contentment for all of us during the holidays. Hugs to all of you!!!! Patti

Chrissy - Wow, it's hard to believe that you've been here with us for 5 months already. It's amazing how fast time goes. I just passed 2 years since I lost my beloved husband....haven't figured out how I managed to get to this point. I'm so glad to hear that you have dreams of Jason - that's him coming to you to let you know he's OK and around. I'm sure you'll be back in full force, with work, soon. Kind of like riding a bike..... We're so glad that you are part of our "family". You KNOW we're always here for you!! Hugs to you and that sweet little baby!! Patti

Thank you all so much for your replys! It was a good day. My daughter took me to lunch and we had a cake at work. Phone calls wishing me a happy birthday from my family and his..... Now, I'm just ONE more year older. Ugh! You guys are the best!! Hugs. Patti

Today is my birthday - it's the 3rd one that I haven't been able to spend with my loving husband. He passed away 13 days before my birthday and here it is....2 more gone-by since then. I used to save the cards he would give me for birthdays, anniversaries, etc., so this morning I pulled out 2 birthday cards and read them and cried. I miss him so much still. I am so sorry for all of you! It's a horrible road to go down - I'm glad I have you all with me. It just makes it a little easier knowing that I am not alone in this journey. Hugs to all of you. Patti

Sometimes it's hard to "see" what we should be thankful for when we are so sad. I just did my 2nd Thanksgiving without my wonderful husband - I must say, it was a little easier than last year.... (something for you all to hang on to) Wednesday is my birthday - November used to be a happy month, but now it is one of my worst months. Besides my daughter, my grandkids and my family (especially my inlaws...) the one thing I am truly thankful for is the 21 years I had with my husband. They were the BEST! As you all mentioned...just not long enough. Yeah, putting up a tree last year was really awful - the only reason I did was for the grandkids. Hopefully this year it will be easier.... Hugs to all of you!!!! Patti

KayC!!!! I am SO happy for you!!!! As Marty said, NOW we have something to celebrate and be thankful for at Thanksgiving! Congratulations!! Patti

As I posted earlier on another thread, today is my 2year "sadiversary" without my dear, sweet husband, Charlie. I lost him 2 years ago tonight at 10pm from cancer. He was just 46 years old. I miss him terribly, still, as I will forever!!! I found a website that you can light candles for "lost loved ones" and I wanted to pass it along. I went in and lit one for him and sent the link to friends and family to do so also. The website is www.daycarter.com/candles/. Take care all of you! Patti

Larrysgirl - You know my heart goes out to you, today!! As I mentioned to you the other day, this is my 2 year "sadiversary" - I am truly missing my best friend!! I lit a candle for my Charlie this morning and I just lit one on the internet for him. You should light one for Larry! Go to www.daycarter.com/candles/ You can email the website to friends, too. The people at my work took a couple of pics of my honey that I have up on my wall and had them enlarged and framed them for me. Got me some flowers and had them on my desk when I walked in this morning. Very sweet!! Hugs to everyone! Patti

Larrysgirl - I can guarantee that there will be other people upset this coming Thursday...I WILL BE. That will be 2 years for me without my beloved husband, Charlie. I think you and I have spoken about the fact that we are "on the same day". This week is not going to be easy. I remember this time last year and my heart goes out to you!! Believe me...it's not much easier this year. This year seems like I have more worries than I did last year; most financially. I sometimes wonder how I will get through the rest of my life...without the man I loved more than anything. I wish I had some words of "wisdom" for all of you, but it doesn't really get easier - it just becomes "the norm". I have heard from people that have lost their spouses years ago that they never miss them any less - the pain is ALWAYS the same. My heart is with all of you in this journey. Patti

John - You and I must have been typing at exactly the same time, but you must have gotten to the "add reply" button before I did. The last post I saw was from Jenn, that's why I addressed my post to her.... I wanted to let you know that I loved your post, too. You always have the most beautiful way of putting things and expressing yourself. I love to read what you write!! Take care. Patti

That was beautifully said, Jenn! Lori - You can NOT beat yourself up about all this. You did what you could for your Mom and you have to know that she appreciated all the time you did spend with her and that she loves you. You know that when our loved ones "cross over", all is forgiven. They become pain and disease free and enjoy a wonderful spiritual life!! There are no hard feelings for anyone and no blame! Maybe you should check into reading some books about the after-life or spirit life. I have read a couple and am on my next one - I've thoroughly enjoyed them and they have lightened my heart, some. I KNOW he's in a good place and that he is listening and watching me always. Something that might help you is to "talk" to your mom about what you are feeling. They hear us and that would be a way for you to ask her for forgiveness (even though she already has....)if that's important for you to have. Then you'll just have to give it time. We all understand about being scared about our loved ones dying. My husband will be gone from me 2 years this next Thursday and I still am so sad! He spent his last 25 days, in the hospital, on oxygen. He knew he was dying, but I just couldn't let myself believe that...I was scared! I couldn't bear the thought that he would leave me. I'm sure that's where the anger comes from - being afraid. Your loss is still so new; in time your heart will feel a little better, I promise. Check into reading some of those books, if you like to read. Quite a few people on here have read different books and I think it helps bring an "understanding" to yourself. Be sure to keep coming here. We are all here for you! Patti

DoubleJo - I don't really have anything to say because I can't even imagine. I have often wondered how the rest of my life will go because I don't think that I could ever be intimate with anyone else. I WOULD feel like I was cheating even tho my husband left me a letter in which he told me that he wanted me to be happy and find someone again someday. That I deserved to be happy again. Maybe so, but that will be very hard for me. I think maybe KayC might be right...maybe you're not as ready as you think. I understand the "wanting" but you need to let this guy know that he's going too fast. Men are different when it comes to that kind of thing...(OK, SOME men) I also noticed that you live in Arizona. I do too, and we have a widows/widowers lunch every 3rd Sat. We would LOVE to have you come and join us. We're a fun group and there are more women than men(go figure!), but we enjoy getting together and just chatting. There are a couple of women from this website that I have gotten to come; most of them are from Widowsnet.org. There is usually only 6-10 people there, but I think you would enjoy it. We meet at 1pm at the Applebee's on Central and Camelback. We even have a couple of ladies that come from Prescott area..... If you are interested just show up on the 18th this month!! I hope you will come and meet us! Patti

Laurie- I, too, am so sorry for your pain. I miss my husband something terrible, too!! Time does make the pain a little easier; you'll see eventually. It will be 2 years for me next week and I still cry almost every day. Not necessarily sobbing, but I have tears in my eyes. I was just out on the back patio last nite talking to him and crying...telling him how much I miss him. I think laughing with him is what I miss the most. We was funny, too, just like Sean - used to make me laugh all the time. I don't laugh alot anymore. Nothing seems funny to me..... Nothing will EVER be the same. We, too, had the best relationship - we loved each other, enjoyed being with each other and did everything together. HE will always be the one man I loved more than anything - even if I find someone else, someday. I, too, miss him and want him back; my life just isn't my life anymore.... The only thing that makes me somewhat "happy" is knowing that he is not suffering anymore. I want him back, but not with his disease. He had what they call Systemic Scleroderma (we didn't know until a couple of years before I lost him) which depletes your immune system and eventually cancer moved in and that's what I lost him from. I'm happy that he is disease free now!! Just keep coming here to the people who understand how you feel. We'll always be here for you!! Take care. Patti

No one is feeling sorry for themselves...if we are, we deserve to. I don't know what to tell you because it will be 2 years for me on 11/16 and I still can't believe I will never see him again. I look at his pictures around my house and he looks so young and healthy...this JUST shouldn't have happened. I'm angry about it - I'm angry with everyone and I don't know how to change that. I take it out on my daughter and grandkids and I wish I could stop - I'm just so DAMN sad and want the man I loved more than anything to come back!! Bargaining doesn't help - I've tried it. I guess we will all just keep going on whether we want to or not. I wish I could tell you guys WHEN you will feel better, but I don't have any answers. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing better, like I might actually be able to survive this and then WHAM! I'm depressed all over again. It's a big roller-coaster and I would imagine that's the way it will go for a very long time. I know it's a stupid saying, but we all need to "keep our chins up", just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep writing here...to people that REALLY understand what we feel. All of you take care and hugs to everyone. TRY to have a good day!!! Patti