Patty65

So, so true. I want no label -- I hate the widow check box too. But yes, married, that is what I would have requested too. We ARE still married. IMHO.

Thank you guys - I have had tears flowing since before I got out of bed. But I really feel your love and support and will carry that with me today. Much love, Patty

Dear Siotara, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Reading your story was like hearing my own. I was with my husband the same length of time, he died of metastatic melanoma after clean pet scans for a couple of years, and he also died in two very short months. I also was by his side when he passed, telling him it was ok to let go, and to this day I don't know how I did that, but it was just the right thing, and I believed and wished for his peace more than anything, even though I was terrified of him going. It has been 7 months for me. I am so glad you found this place, I know for me that it truly saved me to have a place where everyone understands. I do not have anyone nearby in person who does, so this place is much more than a place of respite for me. I hope you find it the same. I am glad you are here. Patty

Hi Marg, I think one of the lessons I'm supposed to learn in this lifetime is overcoming guilt, except at this point - that old dog new tricks thing -- I'm not sure I can anymore. There are times a while back when with my therapist I could clearly see that Ron's fight was over well before we knew he was sick, and in those moments I can agree to the concept of not feeling guilty because of that. It is awfully hard to hold on to. And yes, absolutely Marg, all of us here, our hurt is as much the same and as it is different, as intense... if someone has their leg amputated at 20 versus 70, it is cruel and harsh and as intense and devastating at either age. Only with us, it is our hearts that have been amputated. We are left with the intense pains of a phantom, broken heart. Patty

Thank you so much, Steve, for this amazing, and very powerful and meaningful gathering... I have two pics to add... I'd put lots of those hearts everyone posts, but I don't know how to do that! I got a little overwhelmed missing my honey about halfway through,and I'm so sorry I did not spend more time with Karen and Ann! It was so special to see everyone! I am very proud and honored to have brought back home artwork from Maryann, Ann, Steve's granddaughter, and Kay! I will now have our beautiful group with me in my home which will provide me great comfort and support. Out of a potential of hundreds and hundreds of hotel room numbers between 1,000 and 8,500, my room number was "1119" -- our anniversary. When I saw that, I immediately smiled and knew that Ron was by my side and I was in the exact spot I was supposed to be in... And I think the second image below says it all... Love, Patty

Absolutely!!

(((Butch))) you are not a failure or weak -- you are strong for recognizing you need help and for letting yourself get the help that you need. It's something I have trouble with. I'm so glad you did that and you have such a supportive therapist. Patty

(((((Robin))))) we are all with you in spirit. Hold on, OK? This pain... its indescribable... all the feelings, so many of them. Curl up and cry or scream or whatever you need to... I wish there was another way through this agony. We are all standing with you. Patty

I've been calling it "lack of couth" but I like yours better

Dear JJ, There are resources out there to help you financially -- especially for widows with young children. http://www.widowshope.org/resources/financial-resources/ Your choices for your daughter are very difficult ones, I know you want the best for her, and your grief is overwhelming at the same time. Have you considered therapy to have someone not in the family dynamic and with the tools to help you work and talk through these incredibly hard decisions? Sending healing energy, Patty

Yes wow! What a beautiful, amazing frame, Steve! I'm so, so honored to have such a beautiful frame. Not sure I've seen anything I've painted in such beautiful frames as the work you've done!

I am reading (well, actually listening to audiobooks) the same extensively. It all makes such sense to me on a deep level, and yet it is hard to get past the crushed dreams, the loneliness, the ache -- still. I have not figured out how to let that alleviate the grief agony. Kevin, that poem is very powerful. I do make Ron a "household" name at work.-- because he was so integral here. And I believe it is good for me to mention him and not make it taboo... to make it natural like he IS just in the other room, and he still has all sorts of advice for everyone here (I'm sure he does!). I would have never imagined I'd be able to do that, but it actually helps me feel him. Remember his presence and part in the business. Imagine and see him at work here. Of course, that reality at home is between the two of us, and harder, and more emotional and wrought.

((((hugs)))) Yes the mixer is awesome... I have not used it myself yet but in an early morning quiet moment I will. A lot of memories and too hard a day already. It has already been used for big vats of dough already though! I was told I needed to name it so I named her Susie cuz Ron loved to sing me "Susie Q" Making every effort to reach out to u guys cuz when I do It helps. Cus the pit is deep. It is astonishing the blitz attack of anniversaries and dates have. The pain and longing, the tears all day even when trying to keep him near to help. And with so many dates around the corner. scary. My mom fell, fractured her pelvis, went from ER to rehab. She has Parkinson's and is now confused and doesn't want my dad to leave. I'm 5000 miles away. Life is so damn hard. I'm just following y'all's lead and waking up the next morning and putting my feet on the ground. Hugs. Patty

The grief-inducing issues of every day just keep coming... by the end of the day it is so exhausting. I think physically I know he is not here. Because when things happen, and I don't look over my shoulder to call out for him to see anymore, but I do still grab my phone to take a picture with the intent of sending it to him. Then I feel crazy. At the beginning of the business, we used a shared kitchen that had this gorgeous 60 quart floor mixer. We dreamed and talked about the day we would get one of our own. When we found this spot of our own, we peeked in the window, and saw a 20 quart mixer. We were like, oh well, that will hold us over. Well, today was the day. We got our 60 quart mixer. I ran to get my phone to take pictures. After snapping it, I hit the forward button to send the pic to him :'( Instead I'll post it here. Here it is Ron, our mixer we always wanted... You'd be so proud... No grief therapy for at least another month, and tomorrow makes 7 months since 'the day'. I'm trying so hard every day to find my numb in the minutes that allow it, and its always a crap shoot how many of those minutes I get. I look at strangers, especially men, in their 50s and beyond, and I feel this pang of resentment that they are still here, and their bodies are working, and Ron is not. I feel guilty for those thoughts. Thanks for listening... Patty

I'm glad you found us, Cyndi and Freeds. Cyndi, my husband died of malignant melanoma too, less than two months from when we found out, and he was gone. He had a melanoma removed years before, but clean PET scans all along the way. He was 56. I found this site 4 months ago, and it has really, really helped me. It is one tenacious group of survivors here. I hope you find comfort here. Patty

Me too. This is what I wrote yesterday, last night. "..........Already fragile I cant find the speaker to ply my music making bread. When I do its playing on shuffle all the fringe songs I can’t connect to. Things we didn’t necessarily listen to together. I YELLED alone at the shop, RON! PLAY A BETTER SONG! he would know what I meant and needed. The next song was “Stand by me”" (his favorite band, Journey)... What I heard in the lyrics was different -- it wasn't the pain of having nobody to stand by me when the night has come, it was as if "he" was saying it. Sung to me. With the verses telling me that I stood by him and helped him go, and now I can stand by him for strength - his spirit - as I struggle (last verse). Uggh not sure if that makes sense. And yet today I can't hold on. I try to imagine him by my side helping but it just hurts, like you said Butch. I guess we just have to hold on together. Mary would never feel that way about you. You have nothing to be guilty for. Even if you don't believe it, believe that we believe it for you. STAND BY ME, JOURNEY When the night has come And the land is dark And the moon is the only light we'll see No I won't be afraid Oh, I won't be afraid Just as long as you stand, stand by me So darling, darling Stand by me, oh stand by me Oh stand, stand by me Stand by me If the sky that we look upon Should tumble and fall Or the mountain should crumble to the sea I won't cry, I won't cry No, I won't shed a tear Just as long as you stand, stand by me And darling, darling Stand by me, oh stand by me Oh stand now, stand by me Stand by me So darling, darling Stand by me, oh stand by me Oh stand now, stand by me, stand by me Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me Oh stand by me, won't you stand now, oh, stand Stand by me

You can totally feel it through your own eyes as you look out. This is just one of those hard days. Our first order today, and I'm chef on Sundays, was from a guy who walked up to the edge of the kitchen to say hello to me. He was the guy who, with his wife, and sometimes his kids even, would share the "by the hour" kitchen we used for the first two years of the business. He was him, his wife, me and Ron. They were cooking mexican, us italian. When I saw him today I burst into tears and have not been able to stop since. Staff doesn't know what to do/say to me today :'( Oh god I miss all those times so much. We were such a team. Thanks for listening..

I can feel the healing energy from here! It's so beautiful, and I mean it -- such a warm, loving feeling when I look at those pictures.

Yesterday was my parents' 61st anniversary. They drove from Connecticut to upstate NY with my sister, nephew and uncle to go to a family wedding on my mother's side, the side of the family just filled with love and caring - a huge side of the family -- all my first cousins, once and twice removed. I ached to be around family, and I told my sister to Facetime me when they were there. Then the thought of it made me cry. But I didn't, while facetiming with everyone -- I waited until after. But then the last thing my sister said to me this morning, after the family reunion breakfast they just had the day after the wedding and we were facetiming again... "It's great to see you smile, now I recognize you, who I saw in March (at the funeral when she flew out) wasn't Patty. It's good to see Patty back." So hard to recover from. I'm so not up for my "happy Patty" role anymore, and yet I have such need to connect with family. I don't think they know how to connect with not-happy Patty. Ron loved my family so much. His was a mess. I know my sister said what she said because she hated seeing me in pain. But the loneliness just gets so overwhelming. To connect, I have to pretend. I know sometimes we have to. But its such a burden when I have no more strength for a gram of more load on my back.

Maui Pasta just had its biggest sale day since I ran the GoFundMe campaign to save the business when Ron went into Hospice. Even in that time period, there were only 6 days better than today. Holy Mackerel! Maybe we will make it after all! I bet Ron's helping Thanks Ron! And thanks to everyone here who kept me sane enough to keep going...

Totally, Kay -- thus my return phone call with steam coming out my ears ... why would a Pasta Co. buy jewelry online from Idaho?? Ron used to be so much more diplomatic. They were to call me back when the fraud department decided to answer their phone, and I said fine, but if it's a negative response, I WILL talk to the manager and I WILL switch banks! When the bookkeeper asked how the call went, I put up my hands with my fingers curled and went, "GRRRR" and we all laughed.

They're an ornery bunch, sometimes, aren't they? Yesterday I had our bookkeeper intern call the bank to check why the fraudulent charges had not shown back up in our bank after the 10 days as they promised... they said it could take up to 90 days. The bookkeeper said to the bank, "the owner is NOT going to like that answer!" and when she told me, I said, "GET THEM ON THE PHONE AGAIN!" and everyone laughed and said, Ut Oh! They knew my tantrum was on the way. And it was, and it felt good, and righteous, and a great way to channel my apparent anger. I'm not sure if it was Me, or Myself, or I.

Thank you, Yes, Marty -- and I do have to change my thinking on what IRL means to me. I'm way better at expressing myself in writing than verbal anyway, so I do consider this almost more "real" so much of the time in this surreal life. ((((hugs)))) Patty

My therapist, PJ whom I've known 20 years, is going in for knee replacement surgery Monday. I probably won't meet with her again for 6 weeks, though we may be able to talk in a few weeks. I rely on her for my sanity. Even just to vent about the business. She's having it done at our horrible, horrible hospital. The last time I was there I was rushing out the door to follow the ambulance transport to Hospice. Ron and I had built such a cocoon with our life and building the business that I'm left with the one new friend who does not know me well, and one who does that I cannot talk to, and PJ. Looks like all that's left for a while is my three buddies for a while IRL -- me, myself and I. I may end up babbling here a lot, as I'm heading into a rough season of firsts (both of our birthdays and our anniversary), even before the holidays and the anniversary of his illness and all of that.

Yes, so true, we are so different now, and yet we have our connections that we used to have that becomes just another loss if we lose them too. Like Gwen, I think there are many friends we can only interact with when we are strong enough to take the triggers and not say too much (or anything) about them - because the result is often -- well, I guess just harder to deal with. I've made a new friend since all of this. She was a customer who came to our shop since we opened. At the same time in Jan. that Ron was in Hospice, her husband got a serious infection, she had a miscarriage, and when her husband got better, he got mean and left her. She invited me up to her little cabin, next to the home she was trying to build with her husband, it is like a very simple camping cabin with no plumbing or electricity, but it sits on the West Maui Mountains looking out at the south bay of the island, and it's beautiful, and simple, and about once a week we drink a glass of Chianti and talk and watch the evening light leave the island. It's a real gift, in that it just happened, I did not, could not "try" to make a new friend, for which I have virtually none outside of here. But I know, I hear myself, saying things that I know would be hard for her, like talking about my daughter, or about the baby that comes into the office these days. When I say them, I catch myself and apologize, because I know, I see what I've done. I didn't mean to. It just came out in the mire of my thoughts. She ends up doing the same from time to time. But at least, despite stepping on each others' toes a little, it is real. And finding "real" with others now feels near impossible. For my other friend who doesn't get it, I talk to her when I am strong enough, just to keep the connection, maybe every couple of weeks, and I know full well that I cannot be "real" in the fullest sense of my life now. I can talk to her only about the business and a few other safe topics, and then let her tell me about how wonderfully she is doing these days. I actually encourage that, since I have so little else to say. Maybe that will change back someday, maybe not. It's like that movie, Avatar. They would say to each other when they were strongly connecting to each other, "I see you". My long-time BFF doesn't see me anymore. My new friend does. It's a mine field out there now. Patty