Patty65

I downloaded the meditation app Calm last night. I'll give it some time before judgement, so far not able. (((((((Karen)))))) Sending you white light to give you strength and help you burden such heart breaking pain. Gwen, we have always taped some political news comedies - and its so odd now - I have laughed I suppose on a rare occassion; but I just really watch like I'm outside of myself, and observe what it used to be, us watching together before bed, the half-hour comedic summary of the days' news all we had time for. Now the half hour goes by too fast with nothing else to really turn on that I can stand to take up the rest of the evening. Last night I found myself reaching over to his pillows and talking to him, feeling crazy. What really overwhelmed me was the disconnect in therapy. She has always understood and that helps with the loneliness. I hope that I can resolve that but I'm not sure I can.. Like a scrap of bread once a week to gobble up, my lonliness could abate for an hour a week. When I realized the disconnect, I went reeling and couldn't hear what she was saying anymore. It's just that so much of what I need to say and talk about -- I could ONLY do with him because of the trust, respect and love, you know? Patty

Let me know if the meditation app works. I finally managed to try it a few times and each time the result was very unpleasant. I saw violent, bright bolts of light in blackness -- all to assaulting and scary even when I tried to stick with it, it didn't change. I've never really meditated. Wishing for miracles for you that it helps, Marg! Patty

Yes, Stephen, Ron worked for Blue Hawaiian Helicopters as their controller for a while when we were first married, and we took one of those flights -- this island is incredibly larger than you think. Rationality -- yeah, totally gone, oh the things I mutter all too loudly under my breath sometimes. I had explained the whole "situation" to the pasta equipment person, and yet today, he asked to speak to my husband about the rewiring. Right in front of everyone I had to "remind" him. I'm not happy with my lack of control, but it is what it is, and everyone has learned to let it be and wait for me to turn sane again, I guess. They better not hold their breaths. Does this loneliness grow? Man, it feels like it is growing into a monster, crushing me.

Are we allowed to scream here?? Hellish grief attacks since the weekend and the 5 month mark, i'm pretty much done with my best friend who was mad that "I chose" to spend Saturday crying instead of hanging out and going down slides with her at a hotel pool. my therapist is not getting what I am trying to say regarding spirituality and trying to find Ron (meditation yielding scary results), our new ravioli machine finally came in, but had to be rewired (long story) and Ron did it the first time, and I had a sobbing/anxiety/frustration attack trying to do it myself (I did it though), &^%$%^ Hospice called in the middle of it -- I didn't RSVP to their "One year anniversary celebration" was I going to go? NOOOO!!! I'm not going!!! Then I looked up saw a Map of "Ron's Location" being sent to my employee's phone... why why why am I still here??? I have NOBODY, what's the use? I'm not strong enough. My perky business partner will be here any minute and we are to have an employee meeting, honestly, everyone should just STAY AWAY from ME today. How far and fast can I run??? I guess not far since its a damn island. AAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Thanks for letting me vent, Patty

It is 5 months, right now, that you left this world. Oh I miss you so much I can't stand it. I need you, I'm trying to find you, I miss you.

Five months ago today, right now, I was standing in the mall parking garage looking at my badly damaged stolen car that had just been found, only later to go back to Hospice after teaching my class to a nurse telling me Ron was changing, rapidly. Five months tomorrow, I was with him, but he too was not there then. I could feel him all around me, but not in his body. He was not there any longer in it. He was there around it. And then he wasn't. To go through this -- this reminiscence -- so soon... I'm so sorry Marg. I hope you feel us with you in spirit (((hugs))) Patty

It will be 5 months next Saturday that my Ron has been gone. Each day since his service, I go to work at 5 or 6am, then come home after dark, crawl into bed, fall apart, eventually hopefully fall asleep, then do that all over again. I've been doing that now for exactly 129 days. As life moves forward, and I continue to try to run our shop without him, I can do things like do the business' food shopping at Costco or other stores. I don't like going out to the world for the business, but I do it. I don't even like being out front near the customers, but I do it. I used to love that. But I've even made a presentation to a restaurant by myself for the first time last week, and I set up our products at an event by myself, both were extremely painful and difficult and grief-ridden and scary. But I did them. But other than my work-related endeavors (I'm a workaholic and can push myself to do work-related things, and they actually have gotten less grief-ridden over the last months), I do NOTHING. And I am afraid to. And I'm afraid this tendency is turning into a phobia. Or many of them. I have never been like this before in my life. For example, I've been invited to go out for a glass of wine with a customer whom I love her energy, and she knew Ron, and has been coming to our shop since we opened a year ago. We were going to go tonight, but she canceled and I was SO relieved. Rescheduled though for tomorrow night! I've already cancelled it a bunch of times. Last night was my therapy night, and the stairway leading up to her office was damaged and taped off. I had to walk to the other end of the building, up a different flight of stairs, past a whole bunch of offices (mostly closed, it was evening), to get to her. I did it, but with extreme anxiety and fear. Both coming and going. There are more things, but most of them I just don't ever make it to do because of the fear and anxiety of it. I wonder if new phobias are common with this grief journey? If it is something I should push past and try to handle, or if I should give in to them and just let it all be, and keep to my closed little work-world? It was scary to be so afraid walking down a walkway, and I realized that is how and why I've kept so limited in going nowhere. I even rush from my car into our house. Thanks, Patty

Totally get that - the TV shows we watched together I am still like that with. Oh, how Ron loved Hawaii-5-0! From the time he was a little boy he dreamed of moving to Hawaii from his home in California, then he met me, and my E-Harmony profile said "I'm not moving from Maui!" and he was like, "Great!!". So, when we discovered Hawaii-5-0 a couple of years ago, we had seasons and seasons to catch up on, and he loved seeing a show about the place he loved so much. I can't bear to even see a commercial for it now. The music was the same way for the first couple of months. Then something, some urge, some need to hear the lyrics of our songs, came over me, and I didn't even care if I was going to be in pain and sob, which I did, and still do, when I listen. I don't even remember making a conscious choice to turn it all on. It's strange how this journey is so much the same, yet so individual for each of us at the same time. Patty

That's the only reason that I feel like I am remaining as well -- for my daughter and elderly parents. They already lost one son a couple of years ago, my brother. I think that your pain and grief are so with you -- so part of you right now -- that any talk of death will sound scary to those who love you. I imagine it is a pretty helpless and scary feeling for those who love us and see us in so much pain with no real way to take that pain away... then they hear us talking about dying ourselves, the logical train of thought to a "wanted" solution of being gone is not something they can accept easily. I could imagine that "wanting to die" or "being ok with dying" doesn't sound very different from "trying to die" to them in their worry for us, maybe.

I always "liked" music. Who doesn't, right? I had my favorites from my era, what I listened to in college. But Ron, he was the aficionado. From Pavarotti to Aerosmith (and worse, lol). But his passion made me look at music differently, and more closely, and I would seek the meaning of songs where he did not... and we would talk about the lyrics... so he introduced me to all new genres and songs, I added in mine that he did not know but grew to love. I was playing him his playlist when he was going. He went to "No Ordinary Love" by Sade, I'm sure I've said that before. For the first couple of months, there was no music, none, too hard, too everything. Then the need came. In the early morning at the shop, I would bake and BLAST his music. On his Bose little portable speaker that he cajoled me into purchasing on a 10-month payment plan. Then I would bake and BLAST and sing to it too. It's been going on a while. I did give myself permission, and it still feels very weird. Like a secret. It serves two things -- It keeps my mind (sometimes) from going to all the scary and sad things, and it keeps him close to me (sometimes sad too). In those moments, alone in the kitchen, baking and listening and singing, I can be a little at peace with him near. It lasts 2 or so hours a few times a week. What I felt/feel guilty for is singing. I'm not a good singer (AT ALL) but you know, just the regular sing along to the lyrics. All the messages. All the good memories. But to me, singing means "happy" and that is discordant to the situation. So, as employees come in and witness me blasting music and singing softly to myself, it feels wrong. How could I be singing amidst this tragedy??? But I've given up caring for the sake of survival - it is the ONLY time of day - 6am to 8am - that I even slightly feel I'm surviving ok. "Music soothes the soul of the savage beast!" Ron says. That's me now, the "Savage Beast"... The other morning, the new partner came in and started to hook her music up to our Bose. I let her, and I practically hated her in my mind for it. Not only did she interrupt my alone time, but she commandeered my music. That's when I really realized how important that time and that listening to the music was to me, I didn't even know how important it was until she did that. Now I have to figure out a way to let her know. I'm really really bad at doing anything that is caretaking of myself, I let Ron do that after a lifetime of neglecting it. But I do believe now that - in seeing my surprising reaction to my new partner using the speaker - that I actually am doing something that is helpful for me (and I didn't even really know it). Yesterday in the middle of the day with lots of people around, I was playing his list in our office, and our first dance song came on - and that time, since it was already a crying day, I had to run - I ran out to the back deck and hide with my speaker blasting as I held it against my chest. I could SCREAM out every word through my sobs, and I could not be heard over the speaker. So, listening and singing to music is how I am giving myself permission to keep hanging on for at least those two hours a few days a week when I can manage it. Singing along does not mean "I'm happy" - which feel like a betrayal of my broken heart - it means "I'm surviving this minute". It's literally ALL i have. I have not been able to paint, or write, or play the piano-- I want to want to, because I feel I need to in order to literally survive this hell, but I don't have even a tiny gram of energy to do any of that since I fall apart when I get to the house. So, singing-along is where it is at. I finally told that to my therapist, and I felt so guilty saying it! Like it was betraying Ron, but she was just happy I had any 'want' at all -- it is so hard to have any desire for anything anymore.

I cry already just thinking about the holidays. We arrived last Christmas evening in Connecticut, having traveled all night, and we celebrated Christmas on the morning of the 26th. It was the same day the lump showed up on his face, and he was gone less than two months later. Christmas represents all of that. I don't know how I will survive it. But I know I have to be with my family, whom he loved so, so much. He was so looking forward to that trip. Robin, I do believe it is your choice, but yes, it will be here with all the hardships (understatement) whether we celebrate or not. Patty

I have to say, I have been listening and listening albeit obsessively to Michael Newton, PhD "Journey of Souls" and "Destiny of Souls" - his books describe hundreds of past life and spiritual life regressions that he has done... and my initial reaction was "Great." (sarcastic). They are having a grand old time, what about me? (selfish). I try to glean and glean anything I can about a soulmate's connections to this world, should I be able to believe, Then I secretly fear, by some cruel joke of fate, that he wasn't my real soulmate as he feels to me, and that I will not be with him in the afterlife. Then I worry he will be reincarnated and gone by the time I get there! This is when I try to accept and believe in what is being said, which is on and off. Then because of my incessant, pervasive tendency to blame myself for everything, as far as I get is to wonder what I did in some past life to karmicly "deserve" this pain and the trauma I have been through in my life, before Ron, and with his death. No road is easy right now -- not even trying to find a path out of the pain, or trying to marathon it down the path. But there are new perspectives, especially about leaving this world before the body gives out. And every once in a while, I can reach out to him and blow him a kiss, and believe his Soul Knows.

We are all witness to your beautiful story, Kathie... as heart-wrenchingly painful it was for you at the end, the end was beautiful too in the sense of your love and holding his last days and minutes with him. I believe his spirit is with you in the best-you-ever-had wheat fields. (((Hugs))) Patty

Dear Robin, I have been worse the day before the month anniversary dates - and I was like that yesterday too, not near any date -- sat in my office and cried, couldn't get images of him and all we had planned for the business out of my head. It was like -- how could the sky be blue and the sun be shining? The images of him healthy and sick so vivid in my mind. When I took my plane trip to the neighboring island the other day, a very young, in-love 20-something couple were giddy with love, and I felt my eyes glaring with lasers of disgust, their joy and kisses and laughter were so hard to watch. Same with my business partner's stories about her marriage. Then I was horrified at the feeling I had. The thing is, I've been told so many times that I do not need to feel guilty for any feeling -- those just happen -- it's the actions we take on those feelings that I want to watch -- but there's never any actions by me, at least lately. I've been told it's better to just observe and identify the feelings, and be gentle and compassionate with myself for them (ha). I'm horrible at not making myself wrong for my feelings. Someday I'll work more on that when I'm stronger, I guess. Patty

Thanks George -- I am just starting to make some headway with this. It is easy to scoff at the idea of making a Grateful List when you are in great misery. At least for me. I am very grateful for this group, and I am very grateful that my therapist magically showed up in my life right after Ron went into Hospice, after being out of my life for my Happy Years, She had stopped practicing for a while, and had just started up again. And despite the hardships of the transition, I am grateful for my new business partner - the shop must be meant to keep going, and even if I'm unsure why and if I want it, here I am with something to put one foot in front of the other for, and I don't have to stress about money right now for the business, there is some reserves from her investment and more steady contracts coming in. In talking with my therapist last night on the phone, I am working on ways to set my boundaries/needs with her, like having my morning alone time to listen to me and Ron's music and cook, and shed some tears with nobody watching me. Haven't booted her out of the morning hours yet, but I will try to explain it to her its part of what I need to keep going. Hey three things aren't bad, it will carry me through today anyway, and I guess that's all I have to survive at this moment.

Yes, Marg, I've been feeling that big lately. Selfish. It doesn't help, I know that, it's just hard to not go there...??

(((hugs))) thanks laura & kayc -- yes, everyone here is trying to get me to take a day off. I've burned my arm 6x yesterday, looks awful, and too visible, no way to hide it. ughh. NOT on purpose, and not since the last time a month or so ago has it been this "out of sync" with accidents... Hard to connect with my body after the day before... An important chef who is a small, early investor of the shop and an early restaurant customer told me I should go to this food-service expo that he was going to on last Thursday on Oahu, a different island. Everyone thought it would be a get-away day for me. The thought of going on a plane without Ron etc. was repulsive and scary. I told everyone I couldn't, partner wanted me to go, but understood. I convinced my therapist I should not go. But then a day later I hated the idea that I was keeping myself from doing something valuable for the shop, and maybe I should get away. So I changed my mind. Mistake. By the time I got on the plane I was nearly hysterical, crying audibly the whole flight, with my face glued to the window so nobody could watch (the only tissue i had was the napkin from a drink of water). I don't cry in public in front of strangers!! By the time I arrived on Oahu my eyes were bright red and puffy and well, I managed to stop crying but we all know what that after-effect feels like for the rest of the day. It was a rough day that was informative but not extraordinarily valuable. I'm my own worse enemy. Soooooo exhausted of trying to hold on. a customer wanted me to go out for a glass of wine tonight, we had made arrangements. i like her and have no friends but there's just NO WAY i can do it, not after Thursday. Instead I will hide in the office here and hide my tears, go home, crawl under the covers, and check in with my therapist with whom I've set up a check-in call. That's the best I can do for now. I'm sorry I'm so out of touch with things here, and posting. I think about you guys all day, and think if you guys can hold on, somehow I can too.

hi laura, i guess it is bad depression. im going and going a million hours a day, i hate home, and work -- i just don't know why i'm doing it anymore. kinda feel purposeless. and the weird thing is -- yeah still an adjustment with the business partner - the business is growing rapidly. and i don't think i care or even want it too. but shhhhhh.... i can't tell a soul. not that i have anyone in my real life that i have to tell anyway. yeah, a giant eyore.

off the current topic... just wanting to connect. kinda been deteriorating and isolating, and hard to go on with this "new" life. hard to have any desire to anymore. i just miss you but havent been able to post. much love, patty

Hi Mitch, I agree, I just will be with her hours upon hours each day... grinning and bearing it is hard to do for the majority of your day, every day... most people I just escape... in fact that's my existence now. But yes, I have to come to terms with while I may get her to stop some of her behaviors, there is indeed a good chance she won't get it still. My employees most definitely don't but given that I am their authority figure, they don't 'direct' or 'suggest' stuff to me, that's my job to do to them! Now that I think about it, that's what made keeping everything going survivable. I was in control, now I have shared control, to some extent. I still do own 51+% though! Gwen that's so true! I constantly say in my head, "Don't you think I've thought of (or tried) that???!" I will have to try that, hopefully I'm strong enough to say "please no advice". I've just about lost my one old friend for that though... but as I've heard so many times here, I know that if they can't accept that, then they are not meant to be in my life so much - now, anyway. I love the speaking in tongues idea Thanks everyone, she is here now, and when we can JUST stay focused on work (like today) I can keep it together. But it's time for home-hell. Patty

((((Hugs)))) everyone... thank you... I have written her a detailed message a couple weeks ago about how I was feeling, and that the partnership is a point of mourning my lost future in it with Ron in lieu of a new one. I read it back now, and I can be more direct (I thought I was, but reading it back, I wasn't quite as blunt as I could have been), and because we are new in our "friendship"/partnership I think I can do what Marty suggested, printing out an article or two for her. I think I'm being very direct. But I think my view of "direct" is not so direct. But it just may take longer, and Gwen your idea of separating business from pleasure (she's dying for me to be part of her social life, and I want none of any of it) is a good start. It just may take a lot of "No's"... which I guess is a good life lesson for me to stand my ground. Sigh. Like I need life lessons right now. Thanks so much guys.. Patty

so... I've already deleted what I wrote once. let's see if i can get through it this time. My new business partner. Her presence will relieve a ton of financial stress, already has. Nothing official yet, but she's bought shares and infused money to keep us going. She is ecstatic to be part of the business. But she doesn't understand. And it is SO hard to be around her. I know she doesn't know what she is saying. But it is like dagger upon dagger. Her personality is ultra cheerful (read 'cheerleader'), and she has spent the last week trying to convince me to go to a 4th party with other couples tonight, even though I've told her I couldn't at least half a dozen times. She comes in today wearing a holiday head piece with bouncing dangling flags and stars, and one for me. I say I can't. She keeps trying. She 'catches' me in the office sobbing today. She tries to cheer me up. Ron would want me happy, she says, maybe even finding someone else, and am I sure I won't go to the party tonight. There's been much more. Like when I confided in her my sleep issues, she told me to go to bed thinking of 10 things (including her) to be grateful for. She means well, but it tears out my heart. This is someone I will be working close with. I don't know how I will survive. I feel my reactions make me judgmental of her and a total b*tch. I don't know how to handle the dynamics here anymore. I don't know how to take the well-meaning daggers. How do you deal with people you have to be around that just don't get it? Patty

(((((((Gin))))))) Much love, Patty

I want to write this, so I will, and hope it is ok, it is something that is based on much less a significant event. One time, my daughter with her Montessori School, took a four-day trip to this very special, an unihabited Hawaiian Island called Ko'ohalawe. It is a sacred Hawaiian Island that was used for bombing practice by the US Military in WWII. There, she, along with small groups of students from other schools from around Hawaii, spend those days planting native Hawaiian plants, bonding in dorm rooms that had mice running around, and singing and playing the ukulele around camp fires. She was maybe 13. They even had to get dropped off IN the water from a boat and swim to shore because no boats were allowed to dock at the island. The beaches were pristine and they were the only ones there with brilliant skies and close bonding with others their age. When I went to pick her up and she got in the car, she was SOBBING and SOBBING hysterically. She NEVER EVER wanted those days to end because they were PERFECT. She was in grief in her young mind over having something so perfect taken away, and having to get back to life. I was shocked at her strong emotions. And I thought of that when I read your post. So I'm writing it, because I see the analogy. Your dream sounds precious, and heartbreaking that it was not true - at least true in how we understand it. Maybe it was more than a dream, maybe he was connecting with you, maybe, maybe. If I saw Ron in a dream like you did, I too would be so heartbroken all over again like the first days, to wake up and realize it was a dream. And I would CLUTCH the fresh vision of my eyes upon his face. I'm so sorry for the pain of the wake up. I hope the comfort and joy from the dream though will give you strength to get through the rekindled grief. Patty

I don't see that is a screwed up. It makes total sense from my reality. I remember when the signs were coming very fast at the beginning of this nightmare, it could make me smile (a real smile) -- which seemed so, so foreign to feel my lips and face move into that position. It may have faded to tears of the loss, but the ache only grows stronger if I feel him drifting farther away (eg. no signs). And, after a while, I get so panicked that I've had the last one I'll ever have.