Eagle-96

Lori and I were the same. We just liked to do the same things. And an even happier thought for me are the things that I liked that Lori didn't particularly enjoy. But she did them anyway because they brought me joy. I really makes my heart swell to know that she loved me so much she would sacrifice her enjoyment just to make me happy. I would do the same for her.

Do not ever feel guilty if someone seems put out by you sharing your true emotions. If they have a problem with your feelings and it makes them feel uneasy or awkward then they shouldn't have asked the question in the first place. Kinda like the saying, "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to." The biggest slap in the face is that we feel bad for making the other person feel uneasy. As if we didn't have enough pain and despair in our lives. Now we have to walk on eggshells around people so as not to upset THEM.

To have that one person who is in your corner no matter what. That has your back until the end. It's the purest feeling in the world. To know that if everyone else on earth was against you, you would have that person there ready to do battle with you. Willing to die for you. I can't recall a better feeling. No matter how much I reflect on it, THAT is a feeling that surpasses all others. That is true love. I could always count on Lori. She would back my play no matter what and I would always do that for her. We both knew it without having to say a word. At one of the last family gatherings we had, Lori was speaking with my brother's wife about love and relationships. Lori told her, "We just get each other". I couldn't put it any better. We just got each other. I have nobody to lay my life down for and nobody who would do the same. To know that I'll never have that again is the hardest reality to accept.

It brings back guilt, second-guessing, regret, etc... Did I do enough. Did I do something wrong. I think about finding her on the bathroom floor. The fear in her eyes. Seeing her slipping away no matter how hard I tried. If anyone wants to know the definition of "helpless", just perform CPR on the love of your life and watch them slip away. I will never be able to get those few minutes out of my mind. It's not beneficial to my healing but my mind keeps taking me back to 3:30 AM on 04/01/17. To the worst few minutes of my life. Or what's left of it anyway. I wake up at 3:30 in the morning constantly. For the first month I couldn't figure out why I was waking up at that time every night. Then it hit me. It's like the grief monster wants to make sure I know he's there day and night. That he's not going anywhere anytime soon. The monster wants me to know who's running the show now.

It's so hard knowing that if I died that there would be nobody that will grieve for me as much as I grieve for Lori. Nobody that hurts with such a force as I hurt for Lori. There is nobody that depends on me and counts on me like Lori did. Sure there would be tears but nothing like those that I shed for Lori. It's a punch to the guts to know that I am not that person to anyone anymore. It's a stark 180 turn from the life I had before 04/01/17. It's literally going from Eden to the desert in a fraction of a second. I too find it hard to be grateful for what we had because those highs make the current lows so much more painful. If we never knew the joys of a full and complete marriage then the loneliness we feel now couldn't be as deep. Could it?

That is reality smacking them in the face. A reality they have a 50/50 chance of facing one day. They had probably secretly hoped you would say you were doing "great" or "much better". If you tell them that then it is a relief to them. Not because you're doing much better, but because it makes them feel better about any grief they have in store down the line. The rest of the world wants nothing more than for us to be "back to normal" after a month or two. That's THEIR best case scenario in all of this. Then they can tell themselves that they will do fine in 10, 20, or 30 years when it happens to them. It's interesting when they get "the look" on their face when they ask about how we are doing and we actually tell them how we really are. They get that pained look like we are putting THEM out and making them feel bad for a minute or two. The reality is that we STAY in that pain for the rest of our lives. I wanna ask them, "Would you like to trade places. I'll feel awkward for a minute and you get to be in complete despair forever. Sound good?"

I remember praying in the hospital for Lori to live. I prayed harder than I suppose I ever had. Then a peace came over me and I prayed for Gods will. I knew that meant that His will could be for Lori to go. I was scared of His answer. I battled with this realization but at the same time knew that Gods will was better and greater than anything I could want. His answer that day was no but I have felt at peace with what I asked for even though it meant that she is gone.

I too replay the final days in my mind. Over and over and over. Second guessing. Playing alternate scenarios. Trying to find one where she lives. Where my CPR works. Where I get a 2nd opinion. They all lead back to here. Alone. That is my new lot in life. When I married Lori, I said forever and I meant it. I will honor our marriage until the day I die.

That is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. Whenever I hurt. Whenever I am low. Whenever this journey seems like it is too much. The one person I could always turn to for comfort, advice, or just someone to hold me isn't here. I need so badly to talk to the one person that knew everything about me. That knew just what to say. That could put out the fires of anxiety that burn so fiercely right now. I'm 45 years old and it frightens me to think of 30 - 40 years without her. Our 14 years together seems like the blink of an eye right now. I'm not sure what your additional loss is Gwen but I will pray for your comfort to get you through it.

It's kind of like we have been in a terrible accident and have woken up out of a coma to this new life. We open our eyes and everything has changed. We have to re-learn everything we used to do with ease. Like the person with the injury we have to learn to walk and talk again. We have to learn to do life again.

They want us to get better. In fact, they NEED us to get better. They selfishly want some assurance that grief is finite. That it somehow isn't that bad. They don't want us to be the living reminder of what death can do to a spouse left behind. Just in case they are the half of their marriage that is left without their spouse

Exactly. There are tons of marriages out there where the couple simply co-exists or stays together despite everything. There are people who lose a spouse that aren't affected very much because the love and connection wasn't there. There were married for all the wrong reasons. Those on this, and other, grief support forums lost their soulmates. Lost the person that meant everything to them. Truly lost 50% of their being.

I am saddened for your loss and so very sorry you have to go through this journey again. You were very brave to open your heart to love again after the loss of your husband 9 years ago with the full knowledge of what loss truly means. That is a strength that not many people have. I wish I had the words to help you through this. Just know that we are here for you. I am praying for your peace and comfort.

Thinking about you Tom as I know today will be tough. You can do it!

I would be upfront with that person and let them know how difficult it is going to be for you(and it will be difficult Tom). That you may cry at a moments notice or for things that your friend may not bat an eyelash at. Hopefully some of the tears will be tears of joy as you reflect on Susan and the happy times she spent wearing those clothes. I have a feeling that Susan will be there with you to help you tomorrow.

The cards are so so tough. I was getting some shorts out of the closet the other day and noticed something underneath them. I pulled it out and it was Lori's last birthday card and Valentines day card to me both from February. I opened them up and read them and there were her words. "Can't wait for the next 45 years", " Can't believe we are so blessed", etc... I went from feeling ok to a pile of tears and sobs within 1 second. It's also hard knowing that I won't ever have those celebrations with her. No more cards. No more singing Happy Birthday to her. No more opening my eyes in the morning and seeing her face. I'm glad that you got to spend her birthday among friends and got to visit your special places. We have to hold onto those memories and touchstones.

It's a strange new realization we come to when we lose our spouses. Most of humanity sees our plight and wants to do whatever they can to assuage the pain we feel. They want to do anything in their power to help us but most just don't know how. BUT, that large percentage of humanity has their hearts in the right place just not the know-how to turn the sympathy into actionable and meaningful help. It's not their fault, they simply don't know what to do. THEN there is that small percentage of people(I shutter to refer to them as humanity as they are far from human) that treat us as if we have done something wrong. It's as if it is our fault that our spouse passed away. Or that we are to be punished because we are the living reminder of death and the pain it brings. To most of society, we are to be pittied. To some we are to be viewed as lepers, best to be stowed away on an island or in a cave as to be far out of view.

It's like when people tell me they're pulling for me or they are there for me. It's nice and I understand the sentiment but I only want ONE person and I can't have her. What people forget is that we could be in a stadium full of people and still feel alone. The team analogy is spot on. It's like we're a pitcher standing on the mound and our catcher is gone. We have no one to throw the ball to. We're all alone out there and everyone is staring at us and we just don't know what to do next.

People tend to project on us what they think they would do in our situation. They imagine that if they lost their spouse they would pull themselves up by the bootstraps and handle every situation with a glass half full attitude. We represent the effects of death. We are a living reminder of the ultimate pain so they project to make themselves feel like they would be ok. Our reactions to the cornucopia of situations and stimuli we deal with have nothing to do with any choice we make. And sometimes the same situation garners a different response on different days. It's like taking every possible negative human emotion and throwing them into a blender. We mix it on high for 2 minutes and then we get to pour some out several times each day. We get what we get whether we want to or not and we have no choice but to drink up and pretend we're enjoying it.

The terrible part is that we're not sitting in solitary confinement with no windows. We actually get to suffer in this prison cell while being able to see out the window to society. We get to see everyone else go on with their lives with their spouses. We see the births, engagements, marriages, holidays. All of the moments and times that we so desperately long for that we cannot ever have again. It's torture magnified.

Such an amazing way to put it. It is so very much like serving time. I was living the high life and had everything I had ever wanted. Then, in the blink of an eye, I am in prison for the rest of my life. Serving a sentence for a crime I didn't commit. Sometimes I wish the executioner would just flip the switch.

Powerful words that I hope I can remember when the opportunity presents itself.

It's really tough Tom. It's like the whole "meaning of life" question personified. Why am I here and Lori is gone? What is my purpose? Am I supposed to learn something from all of this? Is there something I am supposed to change about myself or a task I must accomplish? I wish I knew so I could get on with it. But God has his timeframe and it definitely is longer than mine I suppose. Truth be told, I would have rather He took me when Lori left so I wasn't stuck here in the mud spinning my wheels. BTW: Those people telling you there is more for you to do. Oh how I wish I could have a frank yet short discussion with them. The phrase "Easier said than done" never rang so true. If they only knew.

I keep the TV on all night. I need the distraction as it's the silence that scares me. The darkness and the silence. Kay, those times are tough for me too. Hearing news and wanting to tell Lori, only to realize she isn't here. I came home from work the other day and pulled into the garage. I saw Lori's car and my first thought was, "oh good, Lori's home" then it hit me like we all know and I just sat there.

Praying for you on this difficult day. These days are tough. Sunday will be the anniversary of Lori and my first date. We both worked at the same company and we had been emailing(back in the days before instant messaging) each other on the company email. Lori saved and printed a great deal of the emails for posterity and, my how glad I am that she did. I wonder how we got any work done as we emailed each other constantly. We had worked together for about 9 months and we had a mutual friend that always had to hear about us talking about the other one and how we were interested. Well one day she stopped us both and said. "Lori this is Sean. Sean this is Lori" and walked away. We started emailing and then one day she invited me out for drinks after work. I agreed but we both wondered if the other would invite co-workers for a happy hour. In the back of our minds we both hoped it would be just us but we were not sure. I got to the restaurant and saw her there alone. I walked up and asked if it was just us. She said yes and I said I didn't invite anyone either. There were those million butterflies. We saw each other the next night and the next and the next and the rest is history. That was the first day of the best fourteen years of my life. I read those emails last night and balled like a baby. BUT. There were many happy tears mixed in. It was like I was living it all over again. It was like she was there. I got to escape to a place I haven't been to for a while and it felt really good. I hope you can get to that happy place no matter how fleeting.